"I promise to go in with an open heart and an open mind."

...is what I wrote on a post-in note and tucked it away in my purse, as I was packing for Flo-rida.  

My lack of female-based-friendships stems from my own insecurities.  I have never really had girl friends who have accepted me completely and authentically for who I am.  Perhaps this insecurity lies in the type of relationship I had with my mother.  Her and I were never close, so I never really grew up knowing what it was like to have close relationships with anyone.  I've had girl friends come and go, and in the end, the all seemed to have betrayed me one way or the other.  Even my friendship with my best friend isn't that close-knit, and this is a girl I have known for about 15 years.  

I find it difficult to relate to most girls I know or meet because of my past.  I shouldn't let my past hinder me from building new relationships, but those past experiences have resulted in crossing over into adulthood a lot sooner for me.  It's hard to connect with someone on an emotional level when the other person is at a different level than you.  

It wasn't until recently when I starting building close friendships with girls.  Blogging does wonders.  My non-blog friends find it weird when I talk about my blog friends.  The reality is, my non-blog friends just don't get it.  I may not reveal my job, my work, or my identity on here, but I do reveal deep, dark, intimate details of my life - past and present - that I wouldn't normally talk about.  And it's not because I share it for my readers (hi readers!), but I share it for myself, because writing - whether it's in a journal, on a post-it note, or on my blog - is my creative outlet.  And I do enjoy looking back on my old posts to see how far I have come in a week, a month or a year.  Self-reflection can be therapeutic. 

I never did the Spring Break thing, and I grew up with 2 older brothers, so sharing and living with girls is a big adjustment for me.  I've lived with two different sets of girls for about two years now, and I am always very self-conscious of what I do around the house, what I say to them and whether they think I'm hogging the televisions too much.  I spend my time at my house alone, watching TV in my basement or watching a movie on my computer in my bedroom.  I just don't know how to bond with my roommates.

Today I am off to spend a long weekend sharing a beach house with a bunch of girls (and a couple guys).  I know the girls.  I play hockey with them.  They know who I am, I know who they are, but I've never really gotten to know them, and maybe that's my fault because my first impression was that I just didn't like them.  Except now we will be forced to live together, drink together and play hockey together for four straight days and I don't have an excuse not to get to know them.  So, I made a promise:

Go in with an open heart and an open mind.

And who knows, I may come back with a couple new friendships.

Or, I may come back wanting to kill hurt them all.