a clean slate

{via} 

 "The world is but a canvas to the imagination."

- Henry David Thoreau -

I feel like I failed.  Spending countless hours working on something that I consistently put my heart and soul into, only to have it crash and burn in the end.  At least to me, it felt like it crashed and burned.  Wasted time.  Wasted effort.  Wasted talent.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have it in me to do this, but I'm sinking and I don't know how to stay afloat. 

I want to make a change.  I want my efforts to be powerful and effective.  I want others to know how much this means to me.  But it's tough to continue with those efforts when you realize that everything you worked on - and for - has failed.  

The decision didn't come easy.  I consulted quite a few friends and colleagues in the industry for advice and suggestions.  Frankly, I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want to make a bad decision, especially after working so hard for so long.  I wanted someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

It's back to the drawing board.  Again.  I'm having a tough time finding my creativity and motivation with this.  I feel like all of my energy has been sucked out over the last three years.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.  

When I let go of my friendship with my best friend, I questioned whether I would have the ability to continue working on our nonprofit - which we founded together.  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to truly let go of our friendship, knowing she would continue to be a part of the story and background with the nonprofit.  But the idea of starting all over again terrified me.  I'm not cut out for this. 

It's tough to find the motivation to start all over again when I feel like I completely failed at it the first time.  I know it's for the best though.  I know that in order to do what I want and get to where I need to be in the nonprofit industry, I need to start all over again.  New nonprofit.  New story (kind of).  Fresh start. 

I just hope I can do it better this time around.

on meeting Senators, feeling powerful, second-guessing,making a difference and realizing my life's passion

(photo via, me.  i take awesome photos, I know.)

January 27, 2010.  What did YOU do that day? 

I bet most people went to work, went to the gym, went to happy hour.

But me?

I advocated and lobbied for increased federal funding for cervical cancer treatments on Capitol Hill.

I met with Senator Arlen Specter, Senator Bob Casey and Congressman Mike Doyle to discuss their support with the health care bill and their stance on increasing federal funding for women's health issues in 2011.

On January 27, 2010 I MADE A DIFFERENCE.

It was my first time on Capitol Hill (shocking, since I love that city and visit nearly eight times a year) and it was my first time attending a briefing for something that directly affects me.  It was the very first time in my life that I felt powerful and I had the ability to make a difference for me, my friends, my family and my future children.

By lobbying for more federal funding for cervical cancer programs, it allows all women to receive proper treatments (including vaccines and surgeries).  It allows my future children and grandchildren [and your future children and grandchildren] to hopefully never have to worry about getting HPV or cervical cancer.

Yesterday was nothing short of thrilling and invigorating.  Standing in rooms with Senators and Congressmen who have the ability to change health care with a snap of their finger was absolutely priceless.  Most people don't get that opportunity.

Yesterday was eye-opening to my decision to pack up and leave for the West Coast.  Yesterday, I fell in love with Washington, D.C. all over again.  I fell in love with the ability to make a difference in today's current [and future] health care situation.  I fell in love with my passion to one day work on Capitol Hill and live in D.C., and this could very well change my decision to move out West.

There's something about that city that keeps drawing me back.

Yesterday, on the train ride home, I realized that I want to pursue a career on Capitol Hill in nonprofit, advocating and lobbying for women's rights. 

(and not just because there are so many HOT legislators in D.C.)

I want the ability to continue to lobby for health care changes (especially for women) and continue to make a difference in this world.  I want to know I'm making this country a better place for my children and grandchildren.  

This is my passion.  This is my goal.  This is my life. 

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they

thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you're kind,
amazing things will happen."
- Conan O'Brien -

it's time to think teal

I say: "pink" you say: _____?

Panther?  Flowers?

No.

I bet 99.9% of you would say "breast cancer."

I say: "teal" you say _____?

::crickets::

Exactly.

Pink is automatically associated with breast cancer.  Teal is automatically associated with nothing.

During the month of October, I couldn't get away from seeing pink everywhere - in bars, in restaurants, at work and even on the jerseys of the Philadelphia Eagles football team.  Even as I type this, I realize that certain things on my blog are pink and I hate it.  I'm starting to despise the color because of how well branded it is with breast cancer.

What about all of the other types of cancers that are out there?

Did you know that the pancreatic cancer color is purple?  How many people do you know who had pancreatic cancer?

Did you know that cervical cancer is nearly 100% preventable if detected and treated early enough?  Did you know you can get HPV from heavy petting?!?!

I am proud to say I am a cervical cancer survivor.  A survivor.  That means I battled through intensive radiation and chemo therapy and survived.  That means I fought for my life and beat the odds.  That means I now have a story to tell, and a reason to care.  I'm starting to learn that there are very few people in this world (whom I've met) that actually care about my story.  Now granted, I haven't told my story to every person I've met, but I have been outed in Shape and Glamour magazine over the summer (and if you missed my article, well shame on you!).

Being an advocate for a disease like this isn't easy.  One hard truth is that I can't force people to care; they have to care on their own.  I can't force people to attend my fundraisers or donate money; they have to do it willingly.  I'm working so hard to raise awareness but most days I feel like I'm failing.  Most days I feel like the fundraisers we hold just aren't good enough because we aren't raising hundreds of thousands of dollars and hundreds of thousands of women aren't coming out every year to walk for our cause.

I raise awareness for this because when I was diagnosed at the age of 23, I knew very little about HPV and cervical cancer.  All I knew was that women get HPV from having sex.  I raise awareness for this because I want to educate the public on how important it is for women to get tested and checked every year; I want men to know that they are the reason why women get HPV.  I want people to know that it's OK to talk about what's happening below the waist - it's OK to stand up and tell your story.  How can we possibly raise awareness for cervical cancer if no one wants to talk about it?  How can we raise awareness for this if no one cares about it?

Yet, everyone seems to care about breast cancer.  Everyone seems to donate $5 to Susan Komen and her yearly Mother's Day walks.  Everyone seems to be OK with talking about breast cancer.

When it comes down to it - cancer is cancer.  No matter how you look at it, no matter what part of the body it's located, it's still deadly.  So why does breast cancer trump cervical cancer?  Why is prostate cancer starting to trump testicular cancer?

I'm making it my life to eradicate cervical cancer because I truly believe that no other woman should ever endure the physical and emotional pain that I went through.  I believe in making a difference and saving another woman's life.

And that life I save?  Well, it could be your sister's or your mother's or your best friend's.

Or maybe, just maybe, it could be your own.

"The saddest thing in the world is wasted talent.  You can have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, nothing happens.  But when you do it right, good things happen."

- A Bronx Tale -

on educating others

FACT:  Human Papallomavirus (HPV) is the most common sexually transmitted disease in the United States.

FACT: In 2008, over 3,700 U.S. women died of cervical cancer — a deadly disease that is 100% preventable.

******

Last night I talked to a 25 year old woman who knew practically nothing about HPV and cervical cancer.  She didn’t realize that she should continue getting a Pap, even though she’s engaged and knows her fiance will never cheat.  “But cervical cancer can take years to develop and he could have very well contracted HPV from a girl he slept with prior to you.” She didn’t know what Gardasil was.  And even worse?  She didn’t know the difference between HPV and cervical cancer.  I wanted to slap her across the face cry.

FACT:  An HPV infection can take years or even decades to appear.  Even if you’ve only ever had one partner in your life, you could have been infected by HPV.

It breaks my heard to know that most women are just ignorant towards and uneducated on HPV and cervical cancer.  Even worse, this woman could very well have HPV and not even know it.  Hell, most women out there could have HPV or cervical cancer and not even know it.  Now that’s scary.

******

FACT:  Gardasil is the only cervical cancer vaccine that protects against four types of HPV — 2 types that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases and 2 types that cause 90% of genital warts cases.

******

There’s big controversy over the Gardasil vaccine recently.  U.S. schools want to mandate that girls 11 and older get vaccinated for HPV and cervical cancer.  Mothers are protesting against this, saying that it isn’t necessary and because the vaccine has dangerous side effects.  Since when did saving your daughters life become unnecessary? As bad as it is to think that your 15 year old daughter could already be sexually active, it would be worse if she was diagnosed with cervical cancer by the time she’s 30. The reasoning behind getting 11 and 12 year old girls get vaccinated is so that the vaccine is already completely in their system by the time they become sexually active later.

GSK has come out with a similar vaccine, Cevarix. And while the FDA hasn’t approved use of it in the States or the UK yet, it’s only a matter of time before it will be.  I can’t wait to see the top two pharmaceutical companies duke it out over a cancer vaccine.   I’m hoping that once Cevarix gets approved here in the States, more girls and young women will get vaccinated.  And maybe more people will support raising awareness for HPV and cervical cancer.

I wish more people knew about this.  I wish more people knew how serious it is.  I wish more people knew how a deadly disease can be completely preventable with proper education, treatment and awareness.  I wish more people cared.

******

FACT: 80% of all sexually active women will test positive for HPV by age 50.

It’s a shame there isn’t more awareness and education on HPV and cervical cancer.  But breast and prostate cancer?  It’s all up in your face like a dirty prostitute with syphillis. I wish *Susan G. Komen would take a year off from having stupid races/walks for once.  But I guess that’s what my purpose is, eh.  It starts with awareness and education.  You can’t prevent this from infecting other women if those women (and men) don’t know about it.

So for all you women out there reading this, consider this your educational session on HPV and cervical cancer.  Get tested.  Get PAP’d.  And get vaccined if you are between the ages of 9 and 26 and have not had cervical cancer.

It’s all about being “one less.”

*Susan Komen, if you are reading this, I am kidding really mean it.  Take a break.  You already have enough money to support breast cancer.  How about spreading herpes breast cancer the love, shall we?

MY BATTLE

You always remember those moments that change your life - you will always remember what you were doing and how you felt.  You will always remember that you can't take those moments back - so you accept the change and keep pushing forward, despite how hard it will be.

I remember that moment like it was yesterday....

I was 23 years old, settling into a new(ish) city, a good job and spending whatever free time I had with friends or playing sports.  I received a phone call from my gynecologist a couple days after getting my annual exam. 

"We found abnormal cells in your cervix,"

My heart raced.

"But don't worry, I'm sure it's nothing.  We get a lot of abnormal paps that don't turn into anything."

Frankly, I had no idea what she meant by "turn into anything."  But I didn't really think twice about what she said, so I continued with my day like it was any other.  A few hours later, I received another phone call from my gynecologist.

"You have Stage IIA cervical cancer."

I dropped my cell phone the moment I heard that and tears started pouring down my face.  Cancer was all I heard.  And it was enough to send me into tears.

The next day I went to see an oncologist.  He recommended I get a hysterectomy.  I wanted to know how the hell I got this.  He told me I had contracted a sexually transmitted disease - HPV.  I had no idea what HPV was, except that it stood for Human Papillomavirus. 

HPV is the most common sexually transmitted disease in the U.S.  80% of all sexually active women will test positive for HPV by age 50, and while most cases of HPV go away on their own, when it doesn't, it can turn into genital warts or cervical cancer.  Mine turned into cervical cancer, and not over a few years, but over a few short months.  That's the thing about HPV - all it takes is one time, one guy, one girl. 

I told my oncologist that I wasn't ready to give up the option of bearing children.  I was 23 and planned to have kids of my own one day.  So I started radiation treatments - every day for six months.  Then it was every other day for six more months.  The treatments did a toll on my body.  I have never been that sick in my life - nausea, vomiting, fatigue.  Most days I was too weak to even get out of bed, let alone go to work or run at the gym. 

When I found out the radiation wasn't working well enough, I started chemotherapy treatments.  Those were even worse.  I started losing my hair and that's when I became even more self conscious about myself.  No guy wants to date a bald woman.  To the outsider I looked like a normal, pretty woman, but to myself I looked sick and disgusting.  Those were the moments when I started giving up on myself and realizing that living through something like this just wasn't worth it.  I had officially sunk to my absolute lowest point in life (and cancer treatments).

But through all of the emotional and physical pain I went through, I finally beat my cancer and I am now in remission.  I beat cancer.  God, that feels so good to say. 

Now, I'm taking the steps to eradicate this preventable disease.  Over 4,000 women die from cervical cancer each year. 

Looking back, I wish I had known more about HPV and cervical cancer.  But I can't continue looking back on my life - a life I almost lost to cancer.  I have to look forward to all of the wonderful things that lie ahead of me.  I have to do whatever I can to save women's lives from this deadly disease.

My best friend and I started a non-profit organization, Run 2 Inspire, one year after my diagnosis because we both truly believe that no other woman should EVER have to suffer the emotional and physical pain that I went through.  We may be small, but we're large in raising awareness.  And we will make a difference and help educate men and women. 

We're saving women's lives.  Your life could be next.