giving thanks

 {via, yours truly}

for my oldest brother.  the one who has always guided me through life and helped me find the right direction.  the one who has provided me with more love and support over this last year, than ever before.  the one who nudged me to apply for graduate school to make my dreams reality.  the one who has always offered honest, valuable advice, even if I didn't ask for it.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my older brother.  the one who sacrificed six years of his life so that I could graduate from college, get a job, and move across the state.  the one who has put my needs before himself, to make sure that I was happy.  the one who always brings us together on Thanksgiving and Christmas, to continue our family traditions.  the one who is struggling, but won't show it.  the one who always wants the best for me, whatever that may be.  the 'glue' that holds this family together.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my parents.  the ones who gave me a better life.  the ones who provided me with a good education, good manners and kindness.  the ones who raised me right, who taught me the importance of gratitude, and showed me how to cook really good food.  the ones who put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and delicious food on the table.  the ones who told me to fight for all of the things I want in life, to believe in myself, and to never stop smiling.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.

This Thanksgiving holiday (and every day), I'm thankful for my family.  The wonderful memories I have of my parents, and the wonderful moments I spend with my brothers. 

What are you thankful for?

......

How do you say goodbye to someone?

I hate goodbye's.  Not in the 'Goodbye, I'll see you later' sense, but the 'Goodbye, forever.' sense.  I'm not good at saying goodbye to someone, knowing it's the end of everything.  I hate endings.  I hate the emptiness you feel when it's all said and done.   

Ignorance is bliss, afterall.

Over the last couple weeks, I've had to say goodbye to two people in my life.  One of whom, has already passed, and another of whom, is barely hanging on.  They say deaths happen in three's.  I don't want to know who the third person is.

Two years ago, doctor's found a brain tumor in my brother.  It was on his pituitary, which made the surgery less comprehensive, and it was also benign, which was a great thing.  The surgery went well, but he didn't recover as well as the doctor's would have liked.

This past Thanksgiving, I found out my brother needs another surgery.  This time it's more complicated and more extensive.  But just recently, I discovered that my brother has a 2% chance of survival from this surgery.  TWO PERCENT.  If he doesn't go through with this surgery, then he'll spend the rest of his life in pain.  So, my brother decided to go through with the surgery.

"I can't live the rest of my life like this," he told me.

I wanted to be selfish and tell him not to go through with the surgery, but I knew I couldn't.  I don't know the amount of pain he's experiencing right now.  I don't want him to spend the rest of his life being miserable and in pain.

His doctors have told us to hope for the best, but expect the worst.

When someone has a two percent chance of survival, how can you ever hope for the best?

My brother met with his attorney to draft up his will and make funeral arrangements.  I don't understand how he can remain calm and collected through all of this.  I can barely process any of it.  It's hard to say goodbye.  It's even harder knowing when you have to exchange those goodbye's.

I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. 

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

family importance

Today is really Friday, but it feels like a Sunday.  I'm heading back to MY home tomorrow evening and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.  As much as I love spending time with my brother, I'm looking forward to going home to my own bed, my own room, my own house.

It's weird being home.  It's weird to drive down the same street I grew up on.  It's weird to walk into the same house I grew up in.

My brother asked me if I would ever move back to Pittsburgh.  Truth be told, never.  I know that sounds harsh, but Pittsburgh just isn't doing it for me anymore.  Besides my brother and a couple friends, I have nothing here for me.  The job market is lousy because the Steel City is still recovering from low-class economy.

I like the big city life because I never experienced it when I was growing up.  Our vacations were spent in upstate NY visiting family.  I guess I lived a somewhat sheltered childhood because I didn't grow up with cable television (my brother still doesn't have it - shocking, I know), central air (again, my brother still doesn't have it) or big vacation destinations.

My brother said something this weekend that really struck a cord in me:

"We were a poor family."

I never really considered my family to be "poor" growing up.  Sure, our parents never really bought us much stuff and we never wore labels, but I didn't think that meant we were poor.  But looking back on it now, our neighborhood is a low-class neighborhood (although you wouldn't think by looking at some of the houses in the area) and we went to a poor school district that was a center for school shootings (true story) and fights.
It's definitely not a school district I would ever send my kids to.  And while most school districts get better over time, it seems that ours has gotten worse.

I moved to a big city to give myself a better life.  I work hard for every penny I earn and I take pride in every penny I spend (regardless of my reasons for spending).  I don't have my parents income to fall back on.  I've used up some of my parents estate inheritance so I could put food on my table and a roof over my head.  I always thought I'd save that to buy my first house, but I've been using it to live my own life.

Last night my brother and I talked about something we rarely talk about - money.  While I've been trying to make a name for myself, so has my brother.  And only to realize now that he is a lot less fortunate than I am.  My brother basically put his own life on hold so that I could have one of my own.  He sacrificed his future [with his wife] so that I could have my "big city" life.  He's barely making ends meat.  He has no full-time job and barely any health insurance.  I want to help him but I'm at such a huge loss.  I owe him so much but I don't know where to begin.

Sometimes I really despise living 300 miles away from him because I can't spend more time with him like I have this weekend and I can't help him out with finances like he needs it.  Sure, I can send him money every once in a while, but I'd rather take him and his wife out to a nice dinner on a Saturday night because I know they'd appreciate that more.

It's been a rough Thanksgiving weekend for me between my dog dying and both of my brothers being very sick.  I'm shocked I haven't had a huge mental break down yet.  But this weekend definitely made me realize and value the importance of family.  It's difficult when all three of us live so far away from each other, but it makes "going home for the holidays" so much sweeter.


As much as I'm looking forward to going back to my home, I can't wait to come back to this home for Christmas...

praying

As the last hour of Thanksgiving Day ticks, I feel myself being more thankful for my family now, more than ever. 

Last Fall my brother underwent brain surgery to remove a benign tumor on his pituitary.  It was in the smack-dab middle of his brain and they had to go up through his nose to remove the tumor.  At the same time, he was diagnosed with diabetes and vertigo, making his health now even worse.  His tumor came back about six months ago, so they put him on anti-tumor pills, but his sinus infections seem to trigger his vertigo, making most days unbearable for him to even get out of bed.

I'm not religious, but I find myself praying for my brother with every day that passes.

Today, I'm going to pray even harder.

My brother called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and update me on his life.  We don't really talk much over the phone (mainly because he's too sick to talk for extended periods of time), so any communication we have is via text message or email.  It was nice to hear his voice though.  I haven't seen him since last Christmas, and I really missed him at Thanksgiving dinner tonight.

Anyway, tonight as he was updating me on school, work and health, he mentioned he will be getting another surgery in late January.  This time it's to help alleviate his meniere's disease.  While the surgery has a 70% success rate, it could also permanently make him deaf. 

It's all overwhelming and I'm barely processing all of it.  Mainly because I don't want to process any of it.  I hate seeing my brother so sick.  He's supposed to be the strong one in the family.

Today, I'm thankful that my brother's are still with me.  I'm thankful for quality time together, for laughing with them, for making jokes (and being the butt of them) and for all of our childhood memories that I'll carry with me to my grave.  Today, more than every, I'm thankful that I have the two best brothers in the world, even if we don't have the best relationship, even if we aren't that close.

Be thankful for your family, your friends and everything you've experienced in your life ... because you never know when it will be taken away from you.