knowing what you're worth

{photo credit}

Trial and error.  Test runs.  Experiments.  Chances.  Risks.  

Everything we do, every lesson we learn, and every mistake we make starts out as a risk, a chance, a test run.  We test the waters of a new career or job.  We take a chance on a relationship.  We risk starting over to find our own happiness.

After a while though, after all of the experiments, test runs, chances, and risks, and underneath all of the shit and the tears and the failure you begin to learn that you are worth it.  You learn that not every connection will turn into a long-lasting friendship and not every spark will turn into a relationship.  You learn that something that turned your world upside down (in the good way) can tear you to pieces in an instant.  You learn that sometimes following your heart isn't always the right thing and that sacrifices always come at an emotional cost.  You learn to not believe everything you hear and that promises can be broken.  You learn how to put yourself first in a way that everyone else won't understand, but it doesn't really matter what they think, as long as it's right for you.  You learn that happiness is fleeting but it shows you how to live for the moments.  You learn that loneliness can be excruciatingly painful but if you can sit with it, it will make you a stronger person.  

But most importantly, you learn how to start over.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Because you've already done it once, in a place you thought made you happy.  And now you have to do it again.  In a new city.  To find new happiness and new adventures and new gratitude.  But it's not because you're running away from what you started; it's because you know what you're worth and you're going to get it.  

solitude

Silence is golden.

I miss those moments of pure silence.  The ones where you can just sit on a bench in a park and stare out into the world.  The moments when you can hear yourself breathing and it becomes mesmerizing.

Today was one of those days.  A day when I just craved pure silence and moments in solitude but I was forced to be surrounded by people because of a planned Sunday potluck dinner and a friend's going away party.  All I wanted was five minutes to sit, stare, breathe, and think.  

Today was one of those days when I missed having my own room to escape to.  

Today was one of those days when I missed being around the friends who know me.  

Today was one of those days when I didn't want to participate in conversation and I didn't want people to ask me if I decided on staying or leaving Australia and I didn't want to hear about someone's trip overseas to the U.S.  

Today, I just wanted to be alone, but you give up your solitude when you make the choice to live in a hostel and create friendships. 

Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day...

on facing another difficult decision that won't leave me in Australia

"You need to be good to yourself.  Stop taking care of everyone else - let them make their own mistakes, let them find their own way.  Be the kind person you've always been, but know when to let someone go."

I met Trina last Tuesday evening at a cafe next to the Hostel the same night I met the boy.  Trina's an older Australian woman who's extremely kind, warm-hearted, and I've been exceptionally grateful to be able to spend quality time with her.

Today, I gushed and vented and revealed.  A woman who I've only known for a week knew all about my past, present, and future.  I told her the real reason why I'm traveling abroad and I confessed the loneliness that I've been struggling with. 

Everything happens for a reason.

It's so cliche, I know but I believe that everything that's led to my journey to Australia has happened for a reason.  Something made me get here and something deep in my heart allowed me to fall in love with this country.

But over the last 48 hours, a lot has changed.  Happiness is fleeting.  I've been battling some emotional demons that have risen and I've been trying to work through - yet again - a way to cover the damaged and broken with gratitude and love. 

Australia was supposed to be a holiday, and boy, a holiday it was.  I met a girl from Hollywood who I wouldn't normally be friends with and I met a man who made me feel things I've never felt before.  But I don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices hopes and dreams and a life worth living for a comfortable lifestyle or a relationship.  

I haven't been myself lately, and I don't know if it's because I've been partying every night with Ms. Hollywood or if I've been consumed with spending so much time with the boy, but I just haven't felt right and today it all caught up to me as I spent five hours at a cafe crying with Trina.  

I was offered a job in Taiwan teaching English at a summer camp.  It starts on July 1st and I can stay for as long (or little) as I want.  They have already provided me with an apartment and they will arrange airport pick up for me.  

As much as I'm enjoying my time in Australia, this country is ridiculously expensive and I could really use a paycheck right now.  But just as I start building a foundation here, I'm faced with another difficult decision. 

I thought about staying in Sydney for a year, but after analyzing that decision tonight at the cafe, I realized that it would have been based around a boy and a relationship that might not have worked out.  I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices their future for a relationship.  That's so not my thing. 

I believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.  Maybe this isn't supposed to be it.  Maybe this is supposed to show me that I have what it takes to feel something for someone again, and that it is okay to believe in falling in love again.  Maybe he's supposed to show me that it's okay to trust someone so quickly and it's okay to feel something for someone so soon. 

Maybe, just maybe, Australia was the stepping stone for me to feel whole again. 

on taking chances

 {via}

"If you get a chance, take it

If it changes your life, let it

Nobody said it would be easy

They just promised it would be worth it."

The problem with dating abroad is that I haven't been able to stay long enough in one city to justify dating someone.  I don't want to start something knowing it's going to end in a week because I have to leave the country.

When a certain chain of events didn't work out as planned for Thailand, I decided to stay in Australia for a while because I love it here so much.  Truth be told, I didn't think I'd meet someone here who could make me consider staying for this long.  

I am starting to realize that when you live abroad, and you know that you're only here for a certain amount of time, things start to move faster than usual.  I didn't think I'd want to take a chance on a man who lives in Australia, but I am ... and after spending six straight nights together at his bar, meeting his friends, brother, and coworkers, and going on our first official date last night, I don't know what to do now.

My intention was to visit Australia for five days, but then I started meeting people in the hostel and at the local bar, and suddenly I've been living here for three weeks.  My feelings of loneliness and homesickness have been crushed now that I have finally been able to build a [small] foundation here in Sydney. 

I want to give this a chance.  I owe it to myself now that I've finally found a genuine man who doesn't play games, but it's tough to do all of this knowing that I'll have to leave the country at the end of August.  All of his friends have asked me how long I'm staying and at this point, I just don't know. 

I suppose it's true what they say: you meet someone when you least expect it.  

I wasn't looking for anyone, but suddenly I've found someone. 

on needing a mental break from everything right now

I don't do well with crowds.  I like small groups, 5 people max.  I like intimate, stimulating conversations with people to learn everything I can about them - their family, their hometown and what brought them to wherever they are today. 

I'm also the kind of person that craves relaxed nights in with a bottle of wine and a good movie.  Or a Friday night to just decompress. 

I like drinking and hanging out with friends, but after a while, it does get to be overwhelming.  Especially when you see the same friends for 30 days straight, and you end up going to the same bars/night clubs week after week. 

Truth be told, I think a part of me is over that hump of partying till the wee hours of the morning every weekend.  My first two weekends in Prague, I stayed out Friday and Saturday nights until about 6 or 7AM both nights/mornings.  It. was. brutal.

All I wanted to do tonight was relax and watch movies, but instead I forced myself to be social and spend a few hours drinking some beers with my new friends.  It was certainly a fun night, but by 1AM I was exhausted.  I need to be productive this weekend (thanks to homework that consists of a grammar exam on Monday, a lesson plan on Wednesday, a grammar presentation on Wednesday, and a 10 page paper due on Monday).  I also want to spend this weekend going to some museums and actually doing fun touristy stuff downtown.  Without a massive hangover.

Truth be told, as much as I love my life in Prague, I miss my girlfriends back home.  I miss our Sunday brunches and our Saturday nights drinking wine and playing Phase 10.  I miss having friends around that I really connect with, because most of my new friends are a lot younger than I am, so they are still in that 'lets party every night' phase, and I've certainly grown out of that.  Sure, I like an occasional bender, but not when I have a weekend full of homework and the desire to explore my new city.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm getting too old for this.  Except, I feel guilty because I'm in Prague and it's beautiful and the bars never close and I feel guilty if I don't go out on a Friday or Saturday night with my classmates.

After graduation next week, I think I might just hop on a train and go to Paris or Italy for the week.

I just need a mental break from everything right now.