on facing another difficult decision that won't leave me in Australia

"You need to be good to yourself.  Stop taking care of everyone else - let them make their own mistakes, let them find their own way.  Be the kind person you've always been, but know when to let someone go."

I met Trina last Tuesday evening at a cafe next to the Hostel the same night I met the boy.  Trina's an older Australian woman who's extremely kind, warm-hearted, and I've been exceptionally grateful to be able to spend quality time with her.

Today, I gushed and vented and revealed.  A woman who I've only known for a week knew all about my past, present, and future.  I told her the real reason why I'm traveling abroad and I confessed the loneliness that I've been struggling with. 

Everything happens for a reason.

It's so cliche, I know but I believe that everything that's led to my journey to Australia has happened for a reason.  Something made me get here and something deep in my heart allowed me to fall in love with this country.

But over the last 48 hours, a lot has changed.  Happiness is fleeting.  I've been battling some emotional demons that have risen and I've been trying to work through - yet again - a way to cover the damaged and broken with gratitude and love. 

Australia was supposed to be a holiday, and boy, a holiday it was.  I met a girl from Hollywood who I wouldn't normally be friends with and I met a man who made me feel things I've never felt before.  But I don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices hopes and dreams and a life worth living for a comfortable lifestyle or a relationship.  

I haven't been myself lately, and I don't know if it's because I've been partying every night with Ms. Hollywood or if I've been consumed with spending so much time with the boy, but I just haven't felt right and today it all caught up to me as I spent five hours at a cafe crying with Trina.  

I was offered a job in Taiwan teaching English at a summer camp.  It starts on July 1st and I can stay for as long (or little) as I want.  They have already provided me with an apartment and they will arrange airport pick up for me.  

As much as I'm enjoying my time in Australia, this country is ridiculously expensive and I could really use a paycheck right now.  But just as I start building a foundation here, I'm faced with another difficult decision. 

I thought about staying in Sydney for a year, but after analyzing that decision tonight at the cafe, I realized that it would have been based around a boy and a relationship that might not have worked out.  I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices their future for a relationship.  That's so not my thing. 

I believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.  Maybe this isn't supposed to be it.  Maybe this is supposed to show me that I have what it takes to feel something for someone again, and that it is okay to believe in falling in love again.  Maybe he's supposed to show me that it's okay to trust someone so quickly and it's okay to feel something for someone so soon. 

Maybe, just maybe, Australia was the stepping stone for me to feel whole again. 

time heals all wounds

{via}

Eventually a broken heart will heal.  Like anything, it takes time.  Sometimes it means having to hit rock bottom before rising back to the top.  But with every big experience in life, there's always a lesson to learn.

A messy, complicated, soul-shattering three-year relationship with a man who couldn't commit was heart-wrenching to get over.  Maybe because he was the first man I truly fell in love with, or maybe because I wanted what I couldn't have.  Regardless, that relationship broke me down and tore me apart, but it also helped me glue my pieces back together. 

It took me nearly three years after our relationship ended until I finally got my closure.  Accepting the fact that I wouldn't ever be good enough is enough to shatter any woman's soul.  I finally got it.  It was always her; I was just the string he wrapped around his finger.  Acceptance was the hardest part.  Because I wasn't just losing a lover, I was losing a best friend.  

Three weeks ago I sent him a final e-mail, forgiving him for our messy, broken past.  I forgave him for all of the things he did, the things he didn't do, and the things that shattered my soul.  But most importantly, I forgave myself for beating myself up over it, for the heart-wrenching pain I felt those three years post-break up and for allowing myself to believe that I wasn't worthy enough for a man.  Sometimes the most painful feelings are the ones we inflict on ourselves.  

It's been a long three years, but I know I'm in a much happier place thanks to therapy, self-reflection, and forgiveness.  Realizing that I spent two years chasing after a man who couldn't commit.  Accepting the fact that maybe we weren't really soul-mates.  Forgiving him for breaking my heart.  He didn't do it intentionally. Understanding how delicate hearts truly are.  Believing that this relationship made me stronger as a woman searching for love.  Knowing that sometimes the risk isn't always worth the reward. 

I never thought I would get here.  To a place where my heart doesn't ache, and my soul is being glued back together.  As much as it hurts, I believe that everyone should get their heart broken at least once.  It's going to tear you to pieces and leave you lying in a puddle of tears on your bathroom floor for days, but it makes you understand and appreciate what true love is.  

Because if you can recover from a broken heart, you can do just about anything. 

"So go on, go on and break my heart

I'll be okay, I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless" 

putting a ring on it...too soon

{via}

How soon is too soon to get engaged? 

A friend of mine proposed to his wife six weeks after dating her.  They were engaged for two years and have been married for 9.  The first time he told me that story, I was shocked.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe in savoring a relationship, and living with your partner before even considering getting engaged.  Because you don't really know someone until you live together.  I dated my college boyfriend for three years, we spent one summer living together and at the end of that summer I broke it off because we weren't compatible. 

I know for some people it works.  You get caught up in the thrill of the relationship and you rush into everything.  But even my friends who are now divorced say that they wouldn't rush into a relationship or an engagement.

A friend sent me a text this morning asking if I had heard the good news.  Considering this was someone I hadn't talked to in a while, and someone I don't really talk to often, I was surprised when I received a message.  

"She proposed and he said yes!"  

My ex-best friend met this guy on Match.com in July in Florida.  They went out on one date, hooked up that night, and the next morning he left for Texas, where he was stationed (he's in the Army).  They haven't seen each other since that night, although they talked via text message and phone frequently.  I knew she was going out to see him soon, and I had also known (through word of mouth) that she had applied for a marriage license in the State of Texas.  So it wasn't a big shock when this mutual friend of ours told me she had proposed to the guy and is now engaged.  

I suppose what I can't wrap my head around is the fact that she completely rushed into this relationship.  How do you know you've found "the one" after just one night of being with someone?  I don't get it, and maybe I'm not supposed to, but I have always wanted to believe that my ex-best friend was an intelligent person and made decisions that would better her life.  I can't support this decision, and I can't help but feel like they are headed for divorce.  I just hope they have what it takes to beat the odds.

"sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem"

 

{via}

I had two choices - be gentle and sugar coat, or be brutally honest.

"I think you're amazing.  I really enjoy talking to you because it's so easy and so comfortable for me... and I don't usually connect with a guy this well, so soon.  But I felt like you punched me in my ovaries.  It really stung.  And for a while I was mad at you, but now I'm just bitter at the situation and how this played out.  Because you knew from Day One how this would end, and instead of being up front and honest with me, you chose to let things continue.  And now it sucks because I really liked you and now I don't know what to do.  So yes, that makes you a douchebag."

I chose the latter.

Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said that there are no right moments, right guys, or right answers; we just have to say what's in our heart.

I leave for Prague in three months.  I have a check list of things I need to do before I leave, but I also created a list of things I want to do for myself.  I'm closing a big chapter of my life and in order to move forward, I really want to focus on finding personal closure with what I've made for myself in Philadelphia.

While it wasn't my ideal situation to tell him (in my car, after a hockey game), I owed it to myself to explain why I'm bitter.  I needed a sense of closure, and I needed it to be on my own terms.  He's not a bad guy, he's just a bad person [for me] to date.

As much as this dating experience sucked, I don't have any regrets.  I learned that I really do have the ability to feel something for someone after getting my heart shattered.  It's okay to become vulnerable, just don't let a man use that to his advantage.  And most importantly, know what you're worth and don't be afraid to tell him (or her).  

I wasn't sure I would be able to stay friends with him once he returned from Brazil.  I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a guy that I've been involved with.  But I'm leaving in three months, and I don't know what will happen with our friendship while I'm abroad, or when I return, and at the very least, I want to be friendly since we still have to see each other every week.  I want to be able to end things with a man on good terms, because I owe it to myself to at least try. 

 

* title of the post from Misery by Maroon 5

the wounds will heal, but the scars will remain forever

{via}

Time heals all wounds, but scars leave a permanent mark.  On your skin.  On your soul.  On your ego.  On your heart.  And sometimes the wounds that take the longest to heal are the ones that have penetrated the deepest part of your soul. 

I used to believe in second chances.  To make amends.  Show growth.  Believe that the other person has the capacity to change their ways.  I give someone a second chance because I want to believe that they are a good person and that they do, indeed, have the capacity to change.  The reality is: people don't change - we are who we are. 

Nine times out of 10, I get burned on the second chance.  Betrayal.  Deceit.  Heartache.  The second chance always stings more than the first.  But I choose to get burned because I learn from every opportunity, decision and mistake I make.  I want to believe that there really are good people in this world and I just want someone to be that person.

I thought I would be okay.  I am, for the most part, but I still have that stinging feeling I can't shake.  Feeling taken advantage of.  Feeling vulnerable.  Feeling like a man got the best of me and ran away the first second he could.  Just thinking about it is enough to knock me down on my strongest day.  

If there's one thing I learned from therapy, it's to work through any pain you feel.  Acknowledge it, work through it, and then let it go.  Ignoring or hiding the pain will just make things worse.  Acknowledging the pain is easy; it's working through it that's the tough part.  Realizing that even the smartest man has his flaws.  Understanding that sharing too much too soon is never a good thing.  Knowing that your life was fine before he was a part of it and it will be fine again after you make him leave it.

Sometimes second chances aren't worth it.  Sometimes friendships and dating just don't mix.  Sometimes you really can't be just friends after you've become completely vulnerable to someone.  And sometimes you realize that it's not you, it's him and his flaws.  

"The things we said and did have left permanent scars..."

- Just a Feeling, Maroon 5 -

asking permission, the guy who's falling madly in love with me, cheesy wedding songs and just letting things happen

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

No, I'm not engaged.

(just wanted to clear the air) 


It seems like everyone is talking marriage/weddings lately.  And no, I don't say that just because she recently got engaged (who, by the way, I am so happy for!), but because a good handful of my friends have "wedding/marriage" on their minds.

My best friend is talking weddings and marriage in 2010 and she isn't even engaged yet.  Another friend of mine is getting married in June 2010.  And another friend of mine is getting married in August 2010. 

And you can bet I'm buying one dress and wearing it to all three weddings.

So, I have a huge fear of getting married after 30.  I don't know why, I just do.  Maybe because a lot of my friends are married and living their "happily ever after."  Or maybe because everyone says: "it's all down hill after 30" and I'd like to at least be engaged before it all goes down hill.  Or maybe because I'm afraid if I don't get my "happily ever after" by the time I'm 30, I'll never get it.

Yesterday I had a conversation with the guy that is falling madly in love with me (true story).  I commented on how it's supposed to snow over Thanksgiving break back home.  And I may or may not have said something like: "I knew I should have gone to Florida with you."  

His reply?

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

So about two or three months ago I had a conversation with the guy that is falling in love with me (I need a better nickname for him).  He told me he was moving to Florida in March for his job and I jokingly said something to the effect of:

"I expect an engagement ring before you leave."

I was joking!


After I said that, I immediately kicked myself and then told him I was kidding.  We haven't discussed engagement rings, marriage, weddings or the like since then.

Actually, that's a lie.  We drove down Walnut Street about a month ago and passed Tiffany's.  He made some comment about it (can't remember what) and I think I said something back (again, can't remember what).  I may have been drunk at the time.  Or I may have been not listening.

Sometimes I block people out when they talk to me.  Don't judge me.

Anyway.  We were in Tampa for a hockey tournament about a month and a half ago and we were discussing holiday plans.  He told me he was going home to Florida for Thanksgiving but that he was staying in Virginia for Christmas.  So because I feel that no one should ever have to spend Christmas alone, I invited him back to Pittsburgh to spend it with my family.  Sounds innocent enough, right?

Wrong.

A man who has plans of getting married to the girl and is going to Pittsburgh to meet the girl's family can only mean one thing.


The quest to ask for permission.

Excuse me while I go have an anxiety attack.

It's been like three months since I've been "seeing" this guy who is falling madly in love with me and I can't figure him out.  A good chunk of the time I want to ring his neck.  But then he has those shining moments when I think I genuinely like him and it cancels out those bad thoughts.

Every other relationship I've had, I've jumped right into it.  Mainly because I was drunk I didn't really know any better, but also because that relationship immediately had a spark.  This one?  Well, I'm still trying to find that spark.  I don't want to give up just yet, but I also don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with him.  Or vice versa.


You know that saying: nice guys finish last?  Yeah, I'm starting to figure out why they finish last.  I'm so used to dating crappy guys that I don't really know what it's like to date a nice, good, quality guy.  All of my friends who have met this guy tell me they like him.  They tell me he really is good for me.  So why is it so hard for me to see that?

Hindsight's only 20/20.

I know I need to give him an honest chance, but it's hard to break away from my norm (or what I consider my "norm" over the last four years). 

I always had that fantasy of what "meeting the family" and "living together" and "getting married" would be like.  I realize I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to rush into anything, but I also realize that sometimes life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. 

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and let things happen on their own.

So... don't be surprised if you receive a wedding invitation from me this spring.

PS.  If/When I get married, I'm totally making this my wedding song.  Or this.

in the zone

{via}

"I really like you.  You're beautiful, intelligent, and dynamic.  You make me laugh - and it's rare to find a woman who can make me laugh.  And you laugh at my jokes, which I think is great.  But... here's the thing.  If we continue to date each other, I'm going to turn into a douchebag and disappear after a couple months and never talk to you.  Because that's what I do.  I date someone for a little while and then bail.  And then find someone else to date for a while and bail.  I don't know why - maybe because I've been in a committed relationship for 10 years and it's the Bachelor screaming in me - but it's just what I do for right now.  Maybe down the road when I'm ready for another relationship, we can pursue it, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you.  Because I really, really do like you - I think the world of you - but I really want to be close friends years from now and I just don't want to ruin whatever we have, whatever this is."  

Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?

Well, I do.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.  I just had a hunch.  While I appreciate his honesty and upfront-ness, it still stings.  Investing some time into a person, beginning to feel something for someone, all to get pushed into the Friend Zone at the end.

I don't know how to maintain a friendship with an ex.  Ex-boyfriend.  Ex-dater.  Ex-whateveryoucallit.  In fact, I don't talk to any guys that I've been involved with.  Not my college boyfriend.  Not the guy I dated last summer or two years ago.  Not even any of the guys I've had casual encounters with.  Actually, that's a lie.  I'm good friends with one guy that I had a brief stint with.  But for the most part, I don't know how to be friends with an ex.  Because the friendship is never the same, and things are always off kilter when your ex starts dating someone else.  And I'm the kind of person who falls hard and fast for someone, and would prefer not to experience the after-effects of trying to maintain a friendship with an ex.

Thankfully, I haven't invested too many feelings or emotions into this (which is exactly why I dislike relationships - the feelings!  the emotions!  the break-ups!  I can't handle it!!), but it still stings.  It's like someone punched me in the stomach.  Because we shared intimate secrets, stories, and life experiences with each other and I allowed myself to become vulnerable to him.  It still hurts when you really do like someone - and those feelings are returned - but the guy just can't commit.  Or he won't commit.  Perhaps it's not the fact that he doesn't want a commitment right now (which is fine, because frankly I don't think I could handle a serious commitment right now, either), so much as it is the fact that he knows and wants to be a serial dater, and won't let anyone hold him back from being that.

Don't get me wrong, I get the whole enjoy your singlehood and date around thing, I do.  I did it, I enjoyed it.  It even made for some great blog fodder.  I guess I just don't understand it when feelings are returned and invested.  Am I too old-fashioned by believing in monogamy? 

Now I know why he made the rule of not dating anyone from the gym or hockey leagues.  Because whether we stay friends or not, I still have to see him at least once a week.  But at least he's off to Brazil for three weeks, so I have some time to figure out where to go from here. 

Is it really possible to stay close friends with an ex or someone you dated?  Or am I just that socially incompetent?

second chances

I'm not a big fan of giving second chances.

I gave Baltimore a second chance yesterday.  I wasn't impressed.  The city reminds me too much of home.  I realized, as I was walking the streets, that I need to live in a city that has a thriving nightlife.  I need a city that offers something every night of the week.

I gave myself a second chance on a guy.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was forcing myself to give in and let him fill a void - but I realized on my drive home today that I don't want just some guy to fill that void. I don't want to settle, and I certainly don't want to be misleading or inflict any kind of [unintentional] pain on him.

The good thing about second chances is your learn from them.  You begin to realize what you want, what you like, what you will tolerate.  I like my life how it is and I think I'd be making a huge mistake to allow some guy to fill a void just because I'm lonely or just because I can say that I have someone.  I don't want any of that.  Not yet.  Not right now.

When you find someone - or something - that you really like, you'll feel it.  Deep down in your heart you'll really feel it and know that it's what you want or who you want or where you want your life to lead.

Feel it and let it feel you... because once you do feel it, it's absolutely incredible.

this post brought to you by:

 

is it ever enough?

{picture taken by yours truly, edited in Picnik}

If love is all we need, then why are we constantly searching for more of something else? 

I find myself always looking for something.  A really good book.  A new pair of jeans.  A new restaurant to try.  A new city to explore.  I want more.  I feel like I'll never be satisfied with what I have, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

I took the last few days off while my cousin was in town.  No work, no nonprofit stuff, no mind-drifting.  I was consumed in wine, cheese, conversations, laughter, taking pictures and walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  We had a Girls Night, toured our Nation's Capital, and shared stimulating conversations with the boy over delicious beers.  As wonderful as the weekend was though, I wasn't completely satisfied.  (TWSS)  Something was missing.  Something just didn't feel right.  I wanted more, but I didn't know what of.

Why is it, when our lives are filled with so many wonderful things - like a good job, great friends, passion, and laughter - are we always looking for something else?  Are we ever satisfied?

on my biggest fear

"My biggest fear is dying alone."

...he told me as I was laying on my couch.  My heart stopped for a split second.  His fear was mine, too.  And it was comforting to know that someone shares the same fear as I do.  It makes me realize I'm not alone in this world.

For as long as I can remember, I've put up a wall from the outside world.  Most of it has to do with my trust issues, but another part of it has to do with my insecurities.  You probably wouldn't think that I'm so insecure with myself, but I am.  One of my strengths is being able to give blow jobs hide it so well. 

Four years ago I met the love of my life.  He was perfect in every single way except for one - his inability to commit.  Still, I allowed myself to break down and open up to him.  He broke my wall and I became vulnerable for the first time in my life.  It wasn't long after that he broke my heart to pieces.  I thought I'd never be the same after that.  I stop believing in the idea of falling in love and a "happily ever after."  I swore off dating because I didn't think any one could love me like he loved me.  I didn't want to allow myself to become vulnerable to a guy, only to have him break me into a million pieces.  

I was nervous going to Tampa because it would be the first time he and I would spend any significant time with each other.  I knew in the back of my head it would either make us or break us, and frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out.  Ignorance is bliss after all, isn't it? 

They say you find something when you least expect it.  Well, I certainly didn't expect to find this. Or feel it.  I've turned off any feeling I ever had for any guy in my past, present or future, so I forgot what it was like to have a crush again.  I forgot what it was like to let a guy cater to you because he wants to.  I forgot what it was like to have a guy respect you and value you for everything you are ... and even for the things you aren't.  It's easy to feel something, but it's hard to take that risk.

Here he is, a guy who is falling head over heels for me; a guy who would climb Mt. Everest if it meant the chance to be with me.  But I'm too afraid.  I'm afraid of getting hurt; I'm afraid of becoming vulnerable; I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again.

And it wasn't until he told me "my biggest fear is dying alone" that I realized something...

.....I'm more afraid of being happy with him than of getting my heart broken by him.  I'm so used to being in crappy, complicated relationships that I forgot what it's like to be happy with someone.

My biggest fear isn't dying alone.

My biggest fear is being happy with someone.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

the time I had a "strip-off" with a Canadian

Things I learned in Tampa, Florida this weekend:

• Drinking on the beach, listening to the ocean waves is probably one of my favorite things to do.  There's nothing more relaxing than sipping on a corona, listening to the waves crash and watching people walk up and down the beach.  
• I have a love/hate relationship with Canada.  I met a couple new Canadian hockey friends over the weekend.  One lives in Seattle and is from Nova Scotia.  The other is from Ontario.  Or maybe Toronto?  Anyway, I love when Canadian's say "eh" after each sentence.  I hate how loud and obnoxious they are when intoxicated.  I also hate how awesome they are at playing hockey.  My women's team lost to the Canadian bitches women in the championship game yesterday.  
• Having a "strip-off" at 5AM this morning with a drunk Canadian man is never a good decision.  Even worse?  When the drunk Canadian is standing butt-naked in front of a room full of fellow hockey players.  While y'all were sleeping at 5AM, I was stripping against a Canadian.  New low.
  
• Certain friends will certainly throw you under the bus or stab you in the back at just the right time (usually when you are drinking and hanging out with close friends).  Then what do you do?  Walk away.  You don't ask questions, you don't look back.  You simply walk away knowing that real friends would never do something like that.
• Trying to teach a Canadian how to dance is a lot harder than it seems.  Especially when the Canadian bounces up and down, rather than swaying the hips.  Clearly his hips do lie.
• First impressions aren't everything and people can sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.  I'm trying to keep an open heart and an open mind.  The possibilities are endless and right now, things are good.
• Staying up 24 hours drinking, playing hockey, drinking more and catching a flight home isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  I'm completely and utterly exhausted.  I need sleep and lots of it.
• It's tempting to move down to Florida when the weather is sunny and in the 80's.  Coming home today to 50 degree weather was miserable.  I like things hot.  Phoenix, AZ can't come soon enough.
• New Port Richey (where our tournament was being played) is NOT ANYWHERE NEAR TAMPA.  The 15 minute drive we thought it was going to be turned out to be about 50 minutes.  And it really sucks when you have to make that drive about 5 times each day.
• Ybor City is not as awesome as I thought it would be.  We went to a Pirate Bar Saturday night and it turned out to be pretty lame.  I was hoping for pirates and wenches and all I got was a $45 bar tab.

All in all, it was definitely an exciting, event-filled weekend.  I haven't fucked partied like that since Vegas.  Good times, good times.

story of my life

I met these three boys through a friend’s boyfriend during my college years.  I had a brief dating stint with one of the boys my freshman year of college.  Or was it my sophomore year?  We dated over winter break, he went back to school and about a week or so later, we realized it wasn’t going to work so we decided to just be friends.  Excuse me, “friends.” Not that long after, I started dating my college boyfriend.  I still hung out with those boys when they were home during breaks (all three of them went to different universities).  Over time, one of the other boys started crushing on me.  I, of course, had no clue.  But all the signs were there – sexting texting back and forth, him calling me on Valentine’s Day one year, us being beer pong partners for every party we went to.  I even remember him being one of the first few people I called when my ex-boyfriend had hit me.  Anyway, it wasn’t until after he started dating other girls when I found out how much he was crushin’ on me.   Now he’s married with a kid (or two).  Story of my life.

***

I met this other guy during college through a friend.  It was instant friendship that, over the course of a few years, turned into him falling in love with me (true story).  We hung out nearly every weekend and he became one of my closest guy friends.  When I moved out to Philadelphia, we still remained close.  We even tried to date each other, but the long distance thing just wasn’t working for me.  He came out for New Years a few years ago and that’s when he told me he loved me.  Not, loved me like a friend but was in love with me.  Words every girl is just dying to hear, right?  Unfortunately for me, I just didn’t feel the same towards him.  I loved him as a friend, but I just wasn’t sure if I had any kind of romantic feelings for him.  So we decided to just be friends.  It wasn’t after he had come out to visit me for a housewarming party I threw two years ago, when I realized that I wanted to give it a serious shot at a relationship.  Sure, it wasn’t the ideal scenario, but I really did think we could make it work.  He had started seeing this other girl in Tuscon and said he needed to give her a chance, but that if things didn’t work out, maybe he and I could try something again.  He’s now engaged to the Tuscon girl and they are getting married next August.  Story of my life.

 ***

I met this one guy at a bar randomly.  The connection between us was instant and almost eerie.  He knew me better than I knew myself.  Within months he had become one of my best friends and I went to him for Helen Keller jokes advice, opinions and sarcastic comments.  We fell in love and I really did think he was my soul mate.  Unfortunately for me, he was married and had no intention of leaving the wife.  He had his first baby in May and still married.  Story of my life.

***

I know that everything happens for a reason but for the last few years I’m starting to dislike fate.  Or maybe I just have such bad luck with guys.  Or maybe I’m just choosing the wrong men.

I met this guy playing in my hockey tournaments.  We never really formally met (and in all honesty, I didn’t know what his name was until about a year ago), but we always talked and hung out at the rink a lot when we traveled.  It wasn’t until recently when we started sexting texting and spending time together outside of playing hockey.  He’s a great guy with great intentions.  He’s the kind of person who would drive 300 miles at the drop of the hat if you needed something.  He bought me a GPS for my car for my birthday because he knew I really wanted one (although sidenote: I am not impressed with my lady tom-tom yet).  He bought me a pumpkin spice candle from walmart just because he knows I like them. He’s the perfect guy, but there’s one catch.  He lives in D.C. and he’s moving to Flo-rida in February for his job.  Story of my life.  Our text messages sometimes border inappropriate things you wouldn’t want your kids to see flirtatious (mostly on his end), but I am not sure how I feel about him yet.  As a friend, he’s one of the best – probably rises above any other guy in my life.  But I am just not sure about starting up anything romantically, or even attempting to, knowing he’s moving in a few months.

From past experience, I know I need to be more open about the guys I date.  Like every other girl though, I know what I want in a man and a relationship and it’s hard to overlook those things.  But I know I’m not going to get my happily ever after if don’t open myself up to the possibility of something different.  I know he’d never do anything intentionally to hurt me.  I know that he’d take care of me the way I expect a guy to take care of me.  I just don’t know what’s holding me back (aside from the long distance thing).  Is he really worth the risk?  Am I really ready to open myself up to another relationship?

“After a while, you just wanna be with the one who makes you laugh…”

on how far I've come

“the past has left its stain
now I feel the shame
I’ll seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday”

This time last year I:

• moved into an apartment and living with two girls.  One turned out to be bi-polar.  The other turned out to be a hott mess.
• was getting over a bad breakup and forcing myself to “see the light” (so to speak).
• was at a job I enjoyed, but hated the commute.
• was going through a quarter-life crisis, mostly with my job/career.
• had my car broken into for the first time … and had my foot peed on by a homeless man for the first time.
• was praying for my brother to survive his brain surgery.
• was trying to finding my inner strength.
• broke my silence.

2008 was not a good year for me.  I battled depression and fought from spiraling downhill, usually by drowning my problems with alcohol which is the worst thing anyone could ever do.  I was unhappy with how my life was turning out and I felt like I was hitting rock bottom.
Things changed when the New Year hit and I suddenly found my life slowly turning around for the better.

• I traveled to Vegas for the first time ever with a friend and despite getting propositioned for a threesome and mistaken for a prostitute, it was the best vacation I’ve had to-date.
• I found a new job that is challenging me more and more.  It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it pays significantly well and it tests my abilities with each case I work on.  October officially marks my one-year anniversary working at the firm.
• I recently moved into a house that I absolutely love.  I love being home too much sometimes and having a quiet place to come home to when I’ve had a rather stressful day.
• I’m starting to make my mark on the world.  I picked up a third [unpaid] job over the summer – opening up the PA Chapter of the NCCC and raising awareness for cervical cancer.  My efforts are slowly being seen and heard.  I wrote a letter to a woman who was dying of advanced cervical cancer and that letter was read at her funeral last week.
• I bounced back from my bad break-up and I’m actually happy with my social life right now.  I’m okay with not being with someone just to be with them.  I’m okay with not feeling “tied down.”  I’m okay with going out and coming home alone.  My thirties are for relationships and settling down.  I want to live out my twenties and have as much fun as I possibly can.  I don’t want to settle for something.  Ever.
• My brother is still suffering from his brain tumor, but I am praying every day that things get better.  He’s on anti-tumor pills and if those don’t work, then he’ll need a second surgery.  Again, praying that doesn’t happen, but also realizing that if it does, I need to be on the first flight out to Madison or Houston.
• I’ve let go of some old friendships – realizing that I was just a convenience to those people.  I couldn’t be happier about those decisions though because I’ve picked up some new friendships that have truly out-shined those old ones.

It’s taken me a long while to come this far, but I have to say, I’ve never been happier.  Sure, I have bad days and weak moments but so does everyone else.  But you have to take those bad days and weak moments and not let them destroy who you are or how far you’ve come in life.  You have to keep shining, keep smiling and keep working.  Friends aren’t going to be there for you every time, family isn’t going to love you every second of the day, and bosses aren’t going to love your work product as much as you want – but you have to realize that those flaws, those imperfections and those mistakes are what make you, you. Our experiences – good or bad, right or wrong – define who we are.  And life is too short to be anything but happy…

on infidelity

AshleyMadison.com seems to be the newest hottest internet dating site these days.  Frankly, I had no idea such a site existed.  I guess single guys and gals aren’t the only ones turning to the internet for blowjobs one night stands love.  AshleyMadison.com is an infidelity dating site for married men and women who are looking to have an affair (or at least cheat on their spouse).  They have an advertising truck that reads, “Life is short.  Have an affair.”  Because apparently marriage is that bad.

I found out my friend’s wife recently cheated on him.  She claims it wasn’t sex.  Really?! You don’t just go over some random dude’s house to make out with him without the intention of getting laid.  So I asked him if he trusted her…

***

Him: I have to.
Me: No, you don’t have to – she cheated on you.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Him: But I love her.
Me: But are you in love with her?
Him: *hesitates* Yes.  I think I –
Me: No!
Would you cheat on her if you could?
Him: Well… if the opportunity presented itself, I wouldn’t turn it down.
Me: It’s reasons like that that ruin marriage for the rest of us.

***

I watched as he tried to pick up 2 chicks at the bar that night.  He failed miserably.  And while it was slightly entertaining, I couldn’t help but wonder why he felt it was okay for him to even try to get revenge on his wife.

I’ll never know why people think it’s OK to cheat.

I dated my first real boyfriend in college.  We met through a mutual friend.  At first I wasn’t really sure I liked him, but two months later we found ourselves in a relationship.  In those two months he managed to cheat on me.  Well, I guess I used the word “cheat” loosely, since everyone has their own definition of that word.  My definition of cheating involves anything from a kiss to “going all the way.”  He cheated on me at a party with some random girl because he was drunk.  I let it slide because it was the very beginning of our relationship and because I believed him.  Unfortunately, that incident led to my mistrust towards him and questioning his every move.  Is he out with his friends hooking up with girls at the club? I was underage for that first year or so we dated, so it made being with him really tough.  The second time he cheated on me was with a friend from his hometown that had been trying to hook up with him for a while.  Again, he blamed it on alcohol.  I blamed it on his penis and not knowing any better.  Even though he didn’t have sex with the girl, let’s face it, guys think with their peeps and not their brains.  When a girl throws herself at you, a guy isn’t going to say no.  Well, unless it’s *Pat.  Still, I believe him when he said he wouldn’t cheat on me again.  And he didn’t.  He stayed faithful to me (or so he admitted) but that relationship didn’t last very long.  Our relationship took a downhill spiral during the summer of ‘05 when he physically abused me.  that’s when I did what hopefully any girl would/will do in that situation – I left.

From that relationship I learned:

once a cheater, always a cheater and no man ever has the right to hit a woman. 

That same summer (about a month and a half after I broke up with my ex), I met a guy at the bar.  It was completely random and out of nowhere, but it ended up turning into something.  I was the “other woman” in a three year long relationship with a married man.  YES, I’m ashamed to admit that.  NO, I don’t regret it.  Hindsight is 20/20 and only he and I will ever understand that relationship … and why it lasted that long … and why it crashed and burned.  I was in the same boat with all of those other women who thought he was going to leave his wife for me.  Yes, even after he moved down South for a new job and even after he flew me down to Jacksonville for a weekend last summer.  Truth?  They never leave.  It doesn’t matter how bad the marriage is or how many promises they make you, a man will never leave his wife for you (and a woman will never leave her husband).  In my defense?  I didn’t know he was married when I met him.  He didn’t wear his ring and he wasn’t upfront about his relationship.  Of course, I didn’t stop it after he told me … but neither did he.  I will admit that was one of my poorer decisions in a relationship, but I did learn a lot about myself and what I want during those three years.

From that relationship I learned:  

you’ll always come in second to her and you deserve so much better.

So after having two relationships both crash and burn and watching most of my married friends (guys and gals) cheat on their spouses, it’s safe to say that I’m being cautious with my next relationship.  I’m 26 and let’s face it, one night stands are old and busted.  I’m not necessarily ready for a full blown relationship, but I don’t want to be spun around on the merry-go-round just once, either.

As for marriage?  Well I’m still trying to figure it out.  I hate that the divorce rate is close to 50% and rising and I hate that my married friends are unfaithful, but I do wish for a  “happily ever after” ending like every other girl and I do know that marriage does work for some couples.  I just wish I knew what their secret was.