knowing what you're worth

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Trial and error.  Test runs.  Experiments.  Chances.  Risks.  

Everything we do, every lesson we learn, and every mistake we make starts out as a risk, a chance, a test run.  We test the waters of a new career or job.  We take a chance on a relationship.  We risk starting over to find our own happiness.

After a while though, after all of the experiments, test runs, chances, and risks, and underneath all of the shit and the tears and the failure you begin to learn that you are worth it.  You learn that not every connection will turn into a long-lasting friendship and not every spark will turn into a relationship.  You learn that something that turned your world upside down (in the good way) can tear you to pieces in an instant.  You learn that sometimes following your heart isn't always the right thing and that sacrifices always come at an emotional cost.  You learn to not believe everything you hear and that promises can be broken.  You learn how to put yourself first in a way that everyone else won't understand, but it doesn't really matter what they think, as long as it's right for you.  You learn that happiness is fleeting but it shows you how to live for the moments.  You learn that loneliness can be excruciatingly painful but if you can sit with it, it will make you a stronger person.  

But most importantly, you learn how to start over.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Because you've already done it once, in a place you thought made you happy.  And now you have to do it again.  In a new city.  To find new happiness and new adventures and new gratitude.  But it's not because you're running away from what you started; it's because you know what you're worth and you're going to get it.  

"the world stares while I swallow the fear"

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Ever since I had that conversation and wrote about leading a double life, I can't stop thinking about it.  Why am I doing this?  What am I afraid of?  What's the point? ...are the questions running through my head.  I struggle with the idea that people - strangers, friends, random bloggers, acquaintances - could still like me (in whatever capacity) after I put it all out there.  Being vulnerable is scary.  I want to put it all out there without having people turn away or think differently of me.

I took a two hour walk around Center City today.  I walked around Fairmount, Rittenhouse, and Society Hill.  With coffee in hand and Pink's new song blasting on my iPod on repeat.

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect"

I couldn't stop listening to that song.  I still can't.  The beat.  The lyrics.  She nailed it.  TWSS.

Today, I had a moment.  As I walked through Rittenhouse Park, after purchasing a new pair of Lucky jeans, and I tossed my Starbucks coffee cup in the trash can.  The simple act of throwing away that coffee cup made me feel like I was unchaining myself from this city.  Emotionally, I could feel the chains falling from my heart and soul.  Everything that was chaining me down was slowly being released.  And it felt amazing.  

It was during that stroll through the city when I realized that I don't want to continue leading this double life.  I want to put myself out there - honestly, and genuinely - without caring what others think.  

"Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead"

Remember when I told you I was one of six Stratejoy bloggers?  Well, this week we finally go live.  And when I accepted the position, I made a promise to myself that I would write honestly and genuinely about things I'm struggling with, things I'm working on, and the hardships I've overcome.  Friends and acquaintances who don't know about my struggle with depression and losing my parents will finally read about it.  Because in order to find my authentic happiness, I need to learn to be comfortable revealing my dark and damaged past.  I have always cared about what others think - Will they judge me?  Will they feel sorry for me? - but now I just don't care.  

I don't want to be ashamed of what I've been through; I want to be proud of having the strength to survive.

** Title and quotes in this post can be heard in Pink's new amazing song, Fuckin' Perfect.

unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

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When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

Follow your yellow brick road

    "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking.  You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."

We spend countless hours... days... even years... trying to find our own yellow brick road.  Teacher.  Lawyer.  Doctor.  Guidance Counselor.  We ace exams, complete internships and jump through hoops just to uncover a small brick in our road that will set the foundation for the rest of our lives.  We get to an age and stage in our lives where we begin questioning everything we once knew.  How did I get here?  What's next?  Am I really happy?  The Quarter-Life Crisis, as some calls it.  We constantly seek answers.  We constantly look for the next big thing.  We constantly turn our heads, peek through doors and search for that moment in our lives where everything just fits together.  And eventually - day after day, brick after brick - we lay the foundation for our own yellow brick road, and we begin to follow it.  We begin to see the twists and turns that we face as we continue walking down that road - illness, job loss, death of a loved one, a bad breakup.  With each turn, it gets harder and harder to stay on the road.  The turns become more sharp and more frequent, challenging us in every way possible.  Stamina.  Strength.  Endurance.  That's what it's about.  If you turn too late, you'll veer off course.  When you're lost in life, it's harder to find your way back.  

As you continue to work your way down that yellow brick road, you seek answers from people.  Strangers who don't know the answers.  Friends who don't have the courage to tell you when it hurts.  Family who may not have the heart to love you through all of your decisions.  But despite their flaws - and yours - you take those people with you, whether physically or emotionally, and you continue down your yellow brick road, determined to find out where it leads you.

Finally, you reach the end.  You face the toughest battle of your life, your own Wicked Witch: yourself.  Accepting yourself for who you are.  Believing in yourself when no one else will.  Loving every inch of yourself because you realize just how much you're worth and knowing what you deserve.  Finding courage and strength in yourself to conquer your dreams and fight for what you want.  And when you conquer that final battle, you finally see the rainbow.  It was there all along, just hidden behind the dark clouds, stormy days, and hard-fought-battles.

(via)

"Hearts will never be practical until they can become unbreakable."

* all quotes from The Wizard of Oz

choosing an authentic life

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The domino effect.  One small change that naturally triggers more, with an intention for those changes to transform your life.

I've hit a crucial point in my life - re-evaluating my friendships, my relationships dating life, my career and my overall happiness.  I no longer want to settle for anything less than what I truly want.  And I want authenticity - the real thing - in every area of my life.  Except that I can't simply acquire authenticity, I have to become it.

Friendships

This year has been a turning point in the friendship department.  I spent a significant amount of time analyzing my friendships and choosing which ones to hold onto. Our friendships aren't defined through the number of connections on Facebook, or the number of followers on Twitter, or the number of contacts we have stored in our cell phones.  Our friendships are defined by honesty and authenticity.  Of your 500+ friends on Facebook, how many of them do you actually talk to?  Like, in person having genuine conversations?  Small talk, for me, is fake.  I want real, stimulating conversations over wine and cheese, pancake brunches, or coffee.  Conversations that start in the early afternoon and continue well into the night.  I crave those meaningful conversations.

It took me a while to realize exactly what I need in my friendships.  For a while, it felt like my circle of friends was dwindling by the day, but I realized that I was just weeding out the friends who couldn't satisfy my needs.  I don't need 500 friends on Facebook as long as I have two or three close girl friends by my side. 

Career

I love what I do.  I have so much passion and dedication for the cause.  I want to make a difference in this world on a much larger scale than I am currently doing.  I know that it's going to take time, but sometimes I get impatient.

It took me two weeks to finish my applications for graduate school, and I nearly had an anxiety attack when I mailed them out, but now that the process is completed, I'm relieved.  Except for the fact that I'm now waiting for the schools to make a decision and dammit, I just want to know!  It took me a while to realize - and accept - that I need to return to school in order to launch my career on a larger scale.  I was putting it off for so long because I wasn't sure where my heart was.  I've worked in the legal field for nearly a decade now, and I really do enjoy it.  But I love my nonprofit, and I've worked too damn hard to give it up now.  I want a career where I can do both successfully, and hopefully graduate school will help me figure all of that out.

When you find your passion in your life, hold onto it because you don't know how long it will last.  

Relationships/Dating

I hate dating.  There, I said it.  It sucks.  I don't know what the "rules" are anymore.  I don't know what the boundaries are for comfortable and inappropriate.  I don't know whether I should offer to pay on the first date (which I did, and he declined) or just assume he's going to foot the bill.  I don't know if I'm supposed to be the one chasing after him, or let him chase after me.  I just. don't. know.

I hate the dating game even more so when the guy you're dating is nearly a decade older than you (not that age matters, but really, sometimes it does), is divorced, and takes life more seriously.  The rules become more complicated and things move incredibly slower. 

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need right now - to be grounded with someone who has more life experience and can help guide me through all of this life stuff.  Or maybe I'll just end up in the infamous 'friend zone' by Thanksgiving. 

Working towards authenticity

I feel like I've hit a milestone.  Like I'll look back on my 27th year and remember all of the things I did to improve my quality of life.  Realizing my true self worth and refusing to settle for anything less than what I want.  Surrounding myself with people who make me happy.  Doing things that I'm passionate about.  Working toward a successful career.   

Isn't that what life's all about?