"After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers."
- Veronica Shoftshall -
When I turned 27, I made a pact with myself: live life on my own terms. I decided it was time to stop settling, stop denying and start fighting. Fighting for a life worth living.
Over the last week, I made a big decision to let go of my 15 year friendship with someone I once called my best friend. Why do we insist on holding onto things [or people] that don't fulfill our lives? Why are we so afraid of letting go?
Because it's scary to let go. Especially of a 15 year history and memories that are irreplaceable. But I realized over the last few days that I was holding onto an unfulfillable friendship with someone who I had nothing in common with. In most friendships [and relationships] what keeps it tied together? What keeps the conversations and dinner dates going long into the night? Commonality. Because a relationship - with anyone - won't stay in tact without some kind of common foundation holding it all together. Be it blogging, sports, or a job.
The only thing that held my "best friend" and I together was our tie with track and field when we were younger. Now that we're older, now that we're experiencing lives on our own, I realize we have nothing that holds us together. Not even the cancer advocacy.
The decision to let go of a 15 year-long friendship wasn't an easy one, but I knew it was coming. I could feel it. I had my breaking point over Labor Day weekend when she came to visit me and she spent the entire weekend being self-absorbed in her conversations. I'm the kind of person that craves intellectual, deep, meaningful conversations. On life. On careers. On writing. On past experiences. On relationships. On how our lives are changing every single moment. I never had that with her. 15 years together and not once have we had any type of stimulating or intellectual conversation. I went on vacation with my two close girl friends to NY and we found ourselves caught up in deep, meaningful, stimulating conversations for nearly three hours the one afternoon. We talked about life, writing, careers, roommates, relationships and suicide. It was exactly what I wanted.
Over the last several months, I have spent more time trying to fix my friendship than I have trying to live life on my own terms. Not everything in life is meant to be fixed; not every friendship is worth saving. Sooner or later, you have to let go. You can't keep everyone and you can't save everything. Sometimes you have to let go of someone and hope they have the ability find their own way through life.
* I wish I could take credit for the quote in the title of this post, but alas, I cannot. I stole it from this girl.
