We get to define happiness in our own words.

"And what happens afterward?" I asked him.

"We go back to doing what we did, so nothing happens." he replied.

It's easy to spot the seasons changing.  The sun sets earlier.  The leaves change colors.  The air becomes crisper.  Fall is right around the corner.  

For a while, I thought everyone around me was changing, and I was standing still.  Family moved away.  Friends got married.  New jobs.  New cities.  New relationships.  Yet, there I was, day after day, month after month, stuck in the cement, looking up at the world.  Wanting new changes.  Looking for new experiences.  Craving new memories.  I kept looking elsewhere, when I should have been looking at myself.

It's not necessarily that everyone else has changed; it's that I have changed.

New jobs.  New houses.  New friends.  So much of my life has changed and I didn't even realize it.  Until now.

"Are you happy?  Right now, with your life?"

"Yep."

"So am I.  For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy."

I can't remember the last time I said those words.  I'm happy.  I envied chick flicks and their "happier ever after's."  I wanted that Carrie Bradshaw ending, with the gorgeous apartment in New York City that she would share with her gorgeous man-friend.  I thought happiness was determined by a relationship, or a job or a stable lifestyle.  Happiness is determined by me.  And you.  We get to define happiness on our own terms, in our own words, with our own decisions.  We get to make the rules, eliminate the toxic stuff and keep the things [and people] that bring us joy.  

Back in February, I was sinking.  I felt like I was being pulled into a spiral of depression and I was afraid I wouldn't make it out alive.  I made the decision to seek professional help, despite what I believed.  Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  This time it wasn't about what I believed in, it was about doing what's best for myself.  

Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  Working through my damaged and broken past in order to get to my bright and promising future.  Forgiving myself for what really happened with my mother.  Accepting what happened with my father.  Knowing that while these life experiences are traumatic, they don't define me.  Allowing myself to cry, grieve, and be emotional when I need to because it's just part of being human.

I could have thrown it all away, right then and there in that conversation, for 20 5 minutes of passion with a boy who had become a big part of my life once.  The 23-year-old-me would have done it.  Forget about the after effects, the emotional pain and the damaging actions, I would have told myself, just enjoy it while it's available.  Of course back then I was so naive to think that someone could actually change their life for me.  The 27-year-old-me knows better.  Much better.  Those 5 minutes of passion aren't worth the hours, days, and months of emotional pain that follow.  I deserve better than that.  I'm worth so much more.

Looking back on all of it now, I realize I'm the one who's been changing.  Changing my wardrobe.  Changing my attitude.  Changing my habits.  Changing my underwear.  Changing my life so I can live it on my own terms.  Knowing what I'm worth and demanding it.  Not settling for something just because it's a convenience or makes me feel comfortable.  And it's one of the best feelings in the world.

"...take a look at yourself and make a change."