wise words:

The truth is painful.  Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits so close to home.  Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give.  Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it outloud to hear it ourselves.  And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves.  Sometimes we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

- Grey's Anatomy -

another post where I quote Grey's Anatomy

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.  But the future is always changing.  The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.  But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself.  The future is never the way we imagined it.

This past weekend was the first time in a very long time when I truly lived in the moment.  It was the first time when I didn’t care what I was doing or who I was with – I just went with the flow of things (and friends) and just did it.  The only thing that mattered was that I was with good people having the time of my life.  One thing is for sure – City Chase was one of the best experiences (and memories) I have of Philadelphia now.
For the longest time I always worried about my future – where I would be, what I would be doing, who I would be sharing it with.  But this past weekend (in between all the craziness of City Chase), I learned that sometimes you have to stop thinking about your future and start living in the moment.

As every new relationship starts to blossom, we tend to get caught up in all of the butterflies and hand-holding and start thinking about the future.  Where is this going? is often the question our minds immediately jump to.  And so we start thinking about all of the possibilities that this new relationship could hold for us – dating turns into exclusivity which turns into moving in together which turns into buying a house together which turns into planning a wedding which turns into planning a future.  That is usually how it happens, right?

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future of my current relationship and just let it be whatever it is … or whatever it wants to be.  I spend so much time worrying about where the relationship is headed that I forget to take in all of the wonderful feelings of a blossoming relationship.  Does it have any kind of future?  Sure it does.  But I’m not going to rush into it.  I’m not going to let it consume me.  Because the moment I get consumed by it, is the moment it slips away.

We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let’s just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better.

- Garden State -

happiness (for me) is...

…waking up before my alarm goes off and feeling surprisingly refreshed and awake.
…sitting outside in the warm weather with a new(ish) friend and getting to know each other over some cold beers.
…planning road trips to Baltimore, Chicago, and Boston all in the same summer.
…the exciting feeling of said road trips this summer.
…a busy day at work (surprised?)
…butterflies in my stomach.
…being OK with losing a good friend, because I know that it’s not me, it’s them.
…brainstorming ways to re-vamp my blog (because it sucks huge donkey dick right now and I hate it).
…having money in my checking account.
…thinking about a certain boy.
…letting other boys go and actually feeling good about it.
…realizing that certain friends just do not understand the true meaning of friendship.
…realizing how hard I have worked to get where I am at in my life right now.
…believing in: everything happens for a reason, even if no one else does.
…believing that someone could actually, genuinely care about you.
…finding the ability to care about that same person in the same way.
…recovering from a broken heart.
…cooking a delicious meal.
…spending time with good friends, near and far.
…spending quality time with my family when it isn’t over a big holiday.
…planning surprises
…playing soccer and realizing that I worked hard to be this good.
…friends who have the ability to make time for you.
…dinner parties.
…happy hours.
…doing the best I can with what I have.
…feeling needed by someone.
…learning from my mistakes.
…knowing that my parents raise me right.
…knowing that my life isn’t perfect and being perfectly happy with that.

"Romeo, take me somewhere, we can be alone"

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships (either by experience or 2nd hand), it’s that you have to take a chance.  You have to take a chance on someone because they very well could be the person you spend the rest of your life with.  You have to forget all of those past relationships and those moments that broke your heart, and open yourself (and your heart) up to something new.

I shied away from relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt.  No one wants to get their heart broken.  I was afraid of falling in love and letting someone complete my life.  I was afraid of a future with someone.  But most importantly, I was afraid of being happy with someone.

But the truth is:  I’m not getting any younger (as scary as that sounds), and with every passing day, I am realizing that a future with someone isn’t as scary as turning 30.  I don’t want to be 40 when I start popping out babies.  I’m not a kid anymore.  My days of partying till the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday night are starting to come to a close.  It’s just as much fun staying in with a bottle of wine and a few movies with some good company, as it is going out and partying with your friends.  The difference is, at least if I stay in with a bottle of wine, I don’t wake up hung over the next morning.

In January I said that 2009 is going to be my year.  I’m taking a chance on someone.  And who knows what will happen with this, but for now, I am going to enjoy every moment of it.  He’s a good guy with good intentions.  He’s grounded and knows what he wants in life.  We both want the same thing.  We both want a future.  Whether it’s a future together or with someone else, well, only time will tell.  But I need to take a chance on him.  I need to let myself feel something again.  I need to be happy again.  I owe it to myself.

We think the stars are fixed in the sky, but they’re not.  We need to give into change; to new things.

wise words:

I understand feeling as as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

- Kate Winslet, The Holiday