Follow your yellow brick road

    "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking.  You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."

We spend countless hours... days... even years... trying to find our own yellow brick road.  Teacher.  Lawyer.  Doctor.  Guidance Counselor.  We ace exams, complete internships and jump through hoops just to uncover a small brick in our road that will set the foundation for the rest of our lives.  We get to an age and stage in our lives where we begin questioning everything we once knew.  How did I get here?  What's next?  Am I really happy?  The Quarter-Life Crisis, as some calls it.  We constantly seek answers.  We constantly look for the next big thing.  We constantly turn our heads, peek through doors and search for that moment in our lives where everything just fits together.  And eventually - day after day, brick after brick - we lay the foundation for our own yellow brick road, and we begin to follow it.  We begin to see the twists and turns that we face as we continue walking down that road - illness, job loss, death of a loved one, a bad breakup.  With each turn, it gets harder and harder to stay on the road.  The turns become more sharp and more frequent, challenging us in every way possible.  Stamina.  Strength.  Endurance.  That's what it's about.  If you turn too late, you'll veer off course.  When you're lost in life, it's harder to find your way back.  

As you continue to work your way down that yellow brick road, you seek answers from people.  Strangers who don't know the answers.  Friends who don't have the courage to tell you when it hurts.  Family who may not have the heart to love you through all of your decisions.  But despite their flaws - and yours - you take those people with you, whether physically or emotionally, and you continue down your yellow brick road, determined to find out where it leads you.

Finally, you reach the end.  You face the toughest battle of your life, your own Wicked Witch: yourself.  Accepting yourself for who you are.  Believing in yourself when no one else will.  Loving every inch of yourself because you realize just how much you're worth and knowing what you deserve.  Finding courage and strength in yourself to conquer your dreams and fight for what you want.  And when you conquer that final battle, you finally see the rainbow.  It was there all along, just hidden behind the dark clouds, stormy days, and hard-fought-battles.

(via)

"Hearts will never be practical until they can become unbreakable."

* all quotes from The Wizard of Oz

We get to define happiness in our own words.

"And what happens afterward?" I asked him.

"We go back to doing what we did, so nothing happens." he replied.

It's easy to spot the seasons changing.  The sun sets earlier.  The leaves change colors.  The air becomes crisper.  Fall is right around the corner.  

For a while, I thought everyone around me was changing, and I was standing still.  Family moved away.  Friends got married.  New jobs.  New cities.  New relationships.  Yet, there I was, day after day, month after month, stuck in the cement, looking up at the world.  Wanting new changes.  Looking for new experiences.  Craving new memories.  I kept looking elsewhere, when I should have been looking at myself.

It's not necessarily that everyone else has changed; it's that I have changed.

New jobs.  New houses.  New friends.  So much of my life has changed and I didn't even realize it.  Until now.

"Are you happy?  Right now, with your life?"

"Yep."

"So am I.  For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy."

I can't remember the last time I said those words.  I'm happy.  I envied chick flicks and their "happier ever after's."  I wanted that Carrie Bradshaw ending, with the gorgeous apartment in New York City that she would share with her gorgeous man-friend.  I thought happiness was determined by a relationship, or a job or a stable lifestyle.  Happiness is determined by me.  And you.  We get to define happiness on our own terms, in our own words, with our own decisions.  We get to make the rules, eliminate the toxic stuff and keep the things [and people] that bring us joy.  

Back in February, I was sinking.  I felt like I was being pulled into a spiral of depression and I was afraid I wouldn't make it out alive.  I made the decision to seek professional help, despite what I believed.  Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  This time it wasn't about what I believed in, it was about doing what's best for myself.  

Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  Working through my damaged and broken past in order to get to my bright and promising future.  Forgiving myself for what really happened with my mother.  Accepting what happened with my father.  Knowing that while these life experiences are traumatic, they don't define me.  Allowing myself to cry, grieve, and be emotional when I need to because it's just part of being human.

I could have thrown it all away, right then and there in that conversation, for 20 5 minutes of passion with a boy who had become a big part of my life once.  The 23-year-old-me would have done it.  Forget about the after effects, the emotional pain and the damaging actions, I would have told myself, just enjoy it while it's available.  Of course back then I was so naive to think that someone could actually change their life for me.  The 27-year-old-me knows better.  Much better.  Those 5 minutes of passion aren't worth the hours, days, and months of emotional pain that follow.  I deserve better than that.  I'm worth so much more.

Looking back on all of it now, I realize I'm the one who's been changing.  Changing my wardrobe.  Changing my attitude.  Changing my habits.  Changing my underwear.  Changing my life so I can live it on my own terms.  Knowing what I'm worth and demanding it.  Not settling for something just because it's a convenience or makes me feel comfortable.  And it's one of the best feelings in the world.

"...take a look at yourself and make a change."

a little inspiration

 It's never too late.  

To travel.  To move.  To end a relationship.  To start a new relationship.  To quit a job.  To build a friendship.  To pay off your debt.  To say 'no.'  To sleep in.  To stay up late.  To finish the last glass of wine.  To save money.  To splurge.  To get a new job. To make a donation.  To change careers.  To say 'sorry.'  To tell someone you love them (and actually mean it).  To laugh.  To enjoy one more cup of coffee.  To tell the truth.  To live life on your own terms.

Throw out the rule book.  Ignore what is deemed as "right" and "wrong."  Stop giving in to society's norms.  Make your own rules, decide what's right for yourself, and define your own norms.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  All we have is today - right now, in this moment.  

Make a choice. 

Be happy.

...because you really are amazing. 

on expectations, happiness, change, and my 30-day commitment

"We are who we are.  People don't change."

- Great Expectations -

You can spend your entire life growing up with someone - watching them experience some of life's biggest moments - but it can take just one simple moment to question who they really are.  And it's in that simple moment that makes you wonder how well you really know them.

It's not about changing someone, it's about changing your expectations of them.  It's about shifting your focus on someone else when that person can't meet your needs.  And just because a person can't meet your needs, doesn't mean they don't care.  Maybe they just haven't grown as much as you have, and that's okay.  It's about paying attention to who a person really is and accepting them, because like you, they have flaws too.

I'll admit; I tend to hold high expectations of [some of] my friends.  Maybe because I have high expectations of myself.  I believe that people should always have integrity and strive to do their best.  The problem is, more often than not, certain friends are unable to meet my expectations.  And then that leads to, well if they can't meet my expectations, then maybe they aren't a good friend after all.  Just because someone can't meet my expectations, doesn't mean they aren't a good friend.  

Case in point:

Certain holidays are always hard for me - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  And my birthday.  (yes, that's a holiday.  September 3rd.  Write that down, bitches.  Send me vibrators and lube presents.).  My best friend, who has literally been with me through nearly every tragic event in my life, never bothered to pick up the phone and call or text me on Mother's Day.  I expected her to at least send me a text letting me know she was thinking of me because she knows my situation and I thought she knew how hard Mother's Day always is for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was upset because her action (or non-action?) showed me that she didn't care.

The thing is, it's been seven years and not once has she ever reached out on Mother's Day.  Why am I still holding onto that thin shred of hope?  Because I want to believe that she'll change.  I want to believe that she isn't the self-absorbed person she now is, and will continue to be.

I realize now, almost a week after Mother's Day and feeling angry and frustrated about this, that I can't change my best friend.  All I can do is change my expectations and shift my focus to other friends who can meet those needs.  It doesn't mean she won't continue to be my best friend, it just means that she doesn't have the capacity, as a person, to be the friend that I need on those certain days.  Some people just aren't made for those kind of things.  Eventually, you have to let go of that tiny shred of hope and accept that person for the things they cannot do.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  They just haven't grown as much as you have.

Lately I have been in kind of a rut.  It's been an emotional roller coaster seeing a therapist to sort out the emotional issues I have with grieving for my parents, the struggle I'm having with my best friend, and the recent situation that I had to experience at work.  I'm so glad I'm doing this, but frankly I've never been good with emotions (who do I sound like? *cough* this girl *cough*), so having these feelings rush out of me all at once is very overwhelming.  I'm doing this because I know I need a change in my life.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty and regretful about my past. 

I'm ready to let go of my past, embrace my present and smile about my future.  I'm ready to find my happiness.

Enter, Stratejoy and this:

I missed the first opportunity to do this because I had way too much going on at the time.  Well, I still have way too much going on now, but as Dave Matthews says:  

"no day but today."  

This my commitment.  Every day.  For thirty days.  No excuses.  I'm muff diving in and putting everything I have into it.  Because as Molly says, you only get out of it, what you put in.

For all you female quarter-life crisis'ers (sorry guys, ladies only!), I encourage you to do this.  I can't promise you it's going to work for you, but I know a few people who have completed this and said it's changed their lives.  And the best part?  Pay what you can.  Don't feel guilty for donating just $10 when this usually costs $149.  It's all about you.  Take that $10 (or however much you want) and donate it, but make sure you put everything you have into this project. 

Maybe you can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself.  

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy."
- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann -

the four agreements

The Four Agreements:

Be impeccable with your word.

Don't take anything personally.

Don't make assumptions.

Always do your best.

The Four Agreements is based on Toltec wisdom and the ancient spiritual knowledge passed down through the cultural "masters" they call naguals.  The book is about grabbing a hold of your personal freedom that was always yours and using it to master your life and not allow others to master you.  By adhering to the "Four Agreements," you will find security within yourself and a better perception of the world around you.

When I first looked at this book, I doubted it.  And I may have judged it by its cover.  Yes, I do that.  Sometimes.  I also buy bottles of wine based on their labels.  Don't judge me.

After looking at it again, I decided to give it a chance.  Because we all deserve a chance.  The book blew me (TWSS) away.  

Seven years of hidden sadness, anger and grief has led me to inadvertently shut the door on certain things in my life.  Things that I may have once found happiness in, I had no longer felt happy about; things that I once thought were beautiful, were no more.  It was like someone stole a big part of myself, and rather than trying to get that part of myself back, I just let it died. Now I realize that this whole therapy thing is about getting that part of my life back, grieving for my parents, letting go of my past and being able to find that happiness and beauty I once possessed.

Be impeccable with your word.

Of the four agreements, this the most important one, yet also the hardest to follow.  What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?  It means expressing yourself in the direction of truth and love.  Speak with integrity.  Be aware of what you say and how you express yourself because it impacts you and others greatly. 

As we go through life, we are constantly influenced by people's words.  If the boys in fifth grade told you you were ugly, then you probably believed it.  Or maybe a teacher made you feel stupid and you decided that was true.  There are thousands of these instances where someone has not been impeccable with their word and we bought what they were selling.  We made agreements that they things they told us were true.

Think of how often you use your word to complain or express envy.  The idea is that every time we do that, we spreading poison into the world, and most importantly, we are poisoning ourselves.

So how does one actually be impeccable with their word?  Think before you speak and speak with integrity.  How many times have your words gotten you into trouble?

"You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love.  How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.  When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good, you feel happy and at peace.”

 Easier said than done, I know, but there's no time [for change] like the present.  But being impeccable with your word isn't just about speaking the truth, it's also about not always needing to speak.  Sometimes silence is golden.  A major step in learning the first Agreement is to also understand the second one:

Don't take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dream.  It's hard (TWSS) to not take everything personally.  Especially when someone's comment hits you so hard (TWSS), it's like a dagger stabbing you in the heart.  Trust me, I know.  I'm a very self-conscious person and have been known to take a lot of hits, comments and opinions personally.  

One thing I learned from reading this book is that every single person is living in their own little world or dream.  No two people are living the same world or dream.  Even married couples are living in different dreams.  When we take something personally, we make the assumption that the other person knows what is in our world or dream.  Even when a situation hits you so personally, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.  Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think really is about you, it's about them.  It's them being selfish and wanting to poison your own world.  It's about that person not being impeccable with their word. 

Don't make assumptions.

"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama."

It sounds so simple, right?  If only it were that easy.

Truth is, we make assumptions all the time.  We assume that we know how someone is going to react to to us.  We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful.  We make assumptions because we're afraid to ask questions.  How helpful would it be if we could directly communicate with someone and ask them questions when we don't understand what they are saying to us?

One of the biggest assumptions we make is that everyone sees the world the same way we do.  This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  We think everyone will judge us, criticize us, victimize us, and blame us, just as we do ourselves.  Before others have a chance to reject us, we've already rejected ourselves.  

So how do you overcome this?  

Ask questions.  Communicate clearly and effectively.  Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable.

Always do your best.

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

There's a difference between doing your best and being a perfectionist.  See, I'm a perfectionist.  I hate messes (contrary to how my bedroom looks at times).  I tackle a project and end up spending more time than necessary on it because in my head, it needs to be [and look] perfect.  And half way through, if it doesn't start looking perfect, I start all over again.  Maybe that's why I only blog like once a week - because I spend so much time writing that "perfect post."

I know that perfection doesn't really exist, but in my head it does.  Lately I've been trying to let go of "perfection" and accept the idea of "doing the best."  It's been hard (TWSS) to adjust to this because it means allowing a project to look or feel imperfect, however it feels more rewarding when I put my best effort into something.  

Actions speak louder than words.  We've all heard that before.  Always doing your best means putting your words into action.  Want to find a better job?  Do it.  Want to lose 15 pounds?  DO IT!  Too many of us sit behind our desks or computers because we are afraid of taking that extra step.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Do it.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love your life.  It's yours and you have only this one chance.  Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.  Feel, do, and say whatever you want.  Live with a purpose. 

"When you let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment."

 - The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz -

on friendships: letting go and investing more

 "Save your face, you've only got one
Smile like you mean it."

One of the hardest things [for me] to accept is letting go of a friendship that is sinking/ending/fading.  I tend to blame myself when I lose a friend because I feel like I didn't fight hard enough for them.

Three years ago I lost a best friend.  OK, so he didn't die on me, but it felt like he did.  Granted, we didn't have a perfect relationship, but he really was my best friend.  He knew me better than I knew myself.  He was everything I wanted and needed in a best friend and it has been very difficult trying to find someone to fill that void.  I don't think I'll ever find someone who can make me feel that same way.

This weekend I attempted to learn the true meaning of friendship and figure out which friendships are worth having and which ones I need to let go of.

Friday night I met up with my old roommate to watch some March Madness.  We reminisced about the good times we had at our old apartments together.  Like how he found a dead mouse under our couch that had been there for four months and stunk up our entire apartment.  Or that time that our upstairs neighbors clogged their toilet and we had piss and shit water pouring from our kitchen ceiling (that was the straw that broke the camels back and made my roommate buy a condo for us).  Or that time he bought a fig tree and it died three days later because neither one of us watered it, yet we kept it and turned it into our Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  Those were the days, I thought to myself.  That was the first time, in a long time, I laughed and smiled like I meant it. 

I spent Saturday with my two favorite girls.  The day was absolutely perfect - sitting outside of Starbucks, drinking coffee and talking about friends, relationships, boys, girls, social media, jobs, careers, books and traveling, and then getting manicures and pedicures together.  It was the first time in a long time where I felt completely happy. I haven't felt like that in three years.  

Confucius said:

Wherever you go, go with all your heart.

Jim Elliot said:

Wherever you are, be all there.

This weekend I learned that I need to invest more into the friendships that really matter to me and make me completely happy and let go of those friendships that are sinking/failing/ending.  I need to accept the fact that I can't hold onto every friendship I make; sometimes you just have to let people go and hope they find what they are looking for.  I need to continue following my heart and being all there with those friends who matter most.

"After a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh."

Mr. Big, Sex and the City

just one of those really awesome good days

Ever have one of those unexpectedly really good days?

Yeah, today was one of them.

It started off like any other day and within minutes things kept pouring in that just made it an incredibly good day.

Today...

I was asked to speak to a class at Villanova University about my nonprofit organization.

I had a phone interview with a nonprofit in Washington, D.C. for an Accounts Manager of Fundraising and Sponsorships position and it surprisingly went really well.

I was assigned a project at work that I actually enjoy doing and that doesn't have to be finished until Monday (yes, that makes me happy, don't judge me!).

Events for my nonprofit are falling into place just as I had hoped they would.

And to finish this awesome day, I'm going home to make dinner and then out for drinks with some fabulous ladies!

"keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, baby"

"I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it..."

My decision to move across the country didn't come easy.  It's been a decision 4 years long in the making.  Every year I always had an excuse to stay - friends, being close to family, social life, a job, summer time.  It was always something that kept me here.  Even when I thought about moving to Chicago last year, I didn't go through with it.  But that's because I realize I would never survive the arctic temps up there.

The truth is, I was putting this decision off for so long because I was scared - scared to take that next step; scared to find a new job in a new city; scared to find new friends; scared to believe I could be happier someplace else.

As I thought more and more about this decision, I started to realize certain things.  I'm not entirely happy at my job.  Sure, I like it, but I don't love it.  I think the main reason I've stayed for this long is because of my salary.  I know money isn't everything, but it's nice to live a comfortable life where I can splurge every once in a while.  Another reason I've stayed this long is because I was afraid to leave my friends.  I worked so hard at making friends and creating my social circle here that I've been so afraid to leave it.  But something happened to me earlier this week that made me realize my friends are going to move on with their lives, with or without me.  I suppose you could say it was the reality check that I needed.

The more I think about moving out West, the more excited I am.  I haven't felt that way about a decision in a very long time.  This isn't about choosing which color to paint my room.  This is about choosing a new start; a new city; a happier life.  It's about putting one foot in front of the other and making my dreams a reality.

I have a lot to do in the next few months.  First and foremost, I hope that one of these jobs I applied for fall into place.  If that doesn't happen, then it's about figuring out WHEN to move and WHERE to go.  The more I think about it, the more I lean towards Phoenix or San Diego.  I could really love living beach-side every day and finding a hott military man to bone every day  fall in love with. 

Sometimes you just have to let go of everything and take that step.  You don't know where it's going to lead you or if it's going to be the better choice, but you won't know until you do it.  I'm anxious to start this new adventure. 

I can already tell that these next few months are going to be bittersweet.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

always moving forward, never looking back

I have spent a good portion of my life caring about others rather than caring about myself.  Even when I was going through my chemotherapy treatments, I spent those moments asking the other cancer patients how they were feeling and if I could help them with anything, rather than spending that time on myself.

I have a knack for putting others before myself.  I do it because I believe that I genuinely care about others (well, most others) and I realize that there are people in this world who are a lot less fortunate than I am.  Or you are.  And those are the people who truly need help.

Late last night I had a brief one-sided conversation with a friend.  They asked why I was up so late and I said, "I'm getting stuff done."  That opened the flood gates.

"What?"

"Applying for jobs."

"Where?  Why?"

"Because I'm done living here.  I've been here 5 years now and I don't want to be here forever.  I'm ready for a change.  Expand my horizons."

"Where?"

"Sacramento.  Seattle.  Los Angeles.  San Francisco.  Phoenix.  Dallas.  Houston.  Anywhere but Philadelphia."

"Lots of Asians in California.  Not so much in Phoenix or Texas."

It was at that moment that I realized:

Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

I don't ask much of anyone.  Even in my moments of need, I don't really ask people for support.  But all I needed was a friend, and that person couldn't be much of one. 

I'm making a big decision.  I'm leaving my career to pursue a dream.  I'm leaving my home state to pursue a better, happier life.  I'm leaving my friends to hopefully find others.  I'm giving up everything with the hopes of gaining something much more rewarding and valuable. 

I applied for jobs in Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Phoenix and Dallas.  Now all I can do is sit back and hope that something good comes out of all of this.  I'm taking a huge risk, but in my heart I know it will lead to a happier, more rewarding life. 

For the first time in probably a long time, I'm putting myself before anyone else.  Selfish?  No.  Smart.  I'm finally ready to move on.  It's the decision I've been juggling for the last four years.  I stayed in Philadelphia because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go next. 

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be."

For the first time in my life, I finally have some clarity.  I'm ready to pack up and leave.  I'm ready for a new city.  I'm ready for a happier life.  I deserve this.  Yes, it's going to be sad to leave my friends behind, but I know they'll do well.  I know they will move on with their lives with or without me in it.  I need to do this for myself ... because everyone else is moving onto bigger and better things.  Now it's MY turn.

For the first time in my life, I'm ready.  And I'm not looking back. 

I want this.

on happiness

(via)

Positively Present is one of my favorite blogs to read.  It gives advice on how to be more positive and happy in our lives.  And really, who doesn't need that?

I saw the picture above on today's post.  It really struck a chord in me.  And I started thinking, how happy am I really?

Six years ago I was living in Pittsburgh, finishing school and getting ready to embark on another chapter.  Six years ago I wasn't happy.  I had just ended a bad relationship and all I wanted to do was finish school and leave the city.  Pittsburgh is a small town.  It's a college town and most people who grow up in Pittsburgh, don't leave.  I knew that I didn't want to be one of those people.  All of my friends from high school went to Penn State and found their way back to Pittsburgh.  I didn't want to be like them, either.

When I applied for jobs, I landed two: one with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia and the other with the Attorney General's office in Washington, D.C.  My dream was to live in D.C.  But at the time, I knew I couldn't afford it.  So I declined the job offer and took the one in Philadelphia.  My first year in Philly was tough.  The only person I knew in this city was my ex and I had no intentions of spending any time with him.  It took me a while before I branched out of my comfort zone, but I found a few sports leagues to join and I attended some networking events with co-workers.  By the end of that first year, I had built myself a nice social network.

It's been five years now and that original social network no longer exists, but I believe that I've made myself a better social network.  I believe that those friends I met during that first year here weren't really "friends."  Maybe they were temporary friends; maybe I was just holding out until a better friend came along.

Twenty-five years of living has taught me to dispose of all the crappy friends in my life.  I learned that second chances don't come often - and if I give you a second chance, well, you better make the most of it.  I learned that certain people will always let you down and sometimes it's those friends who you never thought could, end up exceeding your expectations. You're going to have crappy friends and those friends who will do anything for you - but it's up to you to realize what they are worth to you.  Sometimes we forget that; we forget how worthy a friend really is to us.  We focus too much on those moments they let us down and forget about those moments they stood beside us when we really needed them. 

The friends I've made over the last five years are worth more than the weight of gold.  The memories I've created in this city are unforgettable.

Am I happy?

Yes.  Absolutely.  I may not be happy every second of every day, but I'm happy with the life I've created for myself in this city.  I'm happy lucky to have the friends I do and the memories I'll never forget .  I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about living in Philadelphia; certain memories I have of this city sting every part of my body, but I'm working on letting go of that painful past and creating a unforgettable, happy future for myself.  I still have a lot of work to do, but so far, I think I've done pretty well.

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better."

- Garden State -

on my next big city

“I told her stop trying
‘Cause the reason for your tears
Aren’t worth crying”

On a cold, rainy day like today I wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I wish I could wear flip flops and tank tops year round. I wish the sun would shine more often. I wish I didn’t have to wear sweaters and jackets.

Every year, usually around November or December, the bitterness of living in this city begins to set in. I begin to despise the cold temperatures, the fact that I have to wear socks and shoes, and having to dress in layers. Today, that bitterness set in. Living in this city is now becoming more stagnant and starting to become unbearable. It’s ironic because just the other day I told a friend how good it was to be home after coming from Chicago. Of course, Chicago’s weather is about eight times worse during the winter months than Philadelphia’s. And it didn’t help that it was cold, rainy and windy in the mid-west.

The more I stay in this city, the more I wonder if this is where I’m going to stay for the rest of my life. It’s scary. I never planned on coming back to this city after college, but … life has a mysterious way of working itself out. And now that I’m here, I like it. I’ve done a lot of traveling this past year – Vegas, Washington DC, New York City, Boston, Chicago – and I still have a few more places to hit before the year is over. I think all the traveling I do is what makes living in this city tolerable.

I’m craving something else. Something different. Something warmer. But I’m not sure if this is for real or just because the seasons are changing and winter will soon be upon us. I had every intention of moving to Chicago in 2009 but that was easily squashed when I realized that I despise cold weather. I have thoughts of moving to Arizona, California or Texas. Sometimes I dream of being “that girl” who quits her job and moves across the country to start a new life. But then I realize that I have worked way too hard to make a life for myself in this city. The thought of leaving this life and my friends behind absolutely terrifies me. It’s my friends and my social life that make me continue to live in this city year after year. But it’s my career that forces me to stay in this city.

One thing I know for certain – I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this city. I travel so much because I’m looking for something more, something better. I’m looking for my next destination, my next place to call “home.” I’m looking for that big city I can fall in love with. I just don’t know where that city is yet.

As the winter months approach, my need for traveling to warmer climates grows stronger. Arizona. Texas. California. They’re on the top of my list of places to go next. And I have a feeling one of those states is for me; one of those states will be my next home.

I know life works out – and most of the time in ways we just don’t understand – but I’m not a very patient person. I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve built up here so that when I leave, I can hopefully take them with me to my next place. I’m trying to find the strength I need to be able to let go of everything I have here and start a new life, a better life, somewhere else. I’m trying to let go of those who have wronged me and those who have hurt me. But most importantly, I’m trying to let go of settling for right now and accept the fact that I have better things waiting for me ahead.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I want to be that change.

And soon enough, I’ll get it.

“Cause this life is a beautiful one
And though I’ve seen it comin’ undone
I know most definitely it works out
the way it’s meant to be
So, baby, keep your head up
Keep it on the up and up”

the zsa-zsa-zsu

{via}

Zsa zsa zsu.  The unforgettable feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone you're attracted to.  It's the fireworks, the sparks, and the tingling in your toes.  It marks our friendships from our romances and our mild flirtations from our flings.

We've all experienced the zsa zsa zsu with someone at some point in our lives.  On a first date over stimulating conversation and a really good bottle of wine, or over cold beers watching a football game.  It's what makes us go back for more conversation, for more beers and for more attention.  To find out how strong those fireworks really are and if that person is worth pursuing long term.  Because we don't feel the zsa zsa zsu with just anyone.

It's been a while since I've felt that zsa zsa zsu with a boy.  Someone who can satisfy my intellectual cravings and physical attraction.  I forgot what it feels to be completely comfortable around someone.  To laugh from your soul.  To smile like you mean it.  To have your world stop - for a split second - because that person got you during the conversation you just had.

When I made the decision to get back in the game, I knew I had to give it everything I had.  I owed it to myself and the other person.  I had to start tearing down the wall, revealing certain parts of my intimate life, and just hope that he wouldn't run away.  Being vulnerable is tough.  It makes me feel weak and exposed, and not in the good way.  The problem with dating is that it's [usually] all a game.  Play hard to get.  Don't make the first move.  Wait until he gives you a sign.  We play off of the other person's reactions, words, feelings, and emotions to decide what to say, do, and feel.  Women typically wait to say "I love you" until the man says it first.  We wait for a man to ask us out on a first date.  Or to lean in for that first kiss.  Or to invite us out to meet his close friends.  We wait so long for people to tell us what to do, say, or feel instead of doing it, saying it or feeling it on our own terms.

"Is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?"

It's a double-edged sword.  We need to feel something in order to believe it's real, but we don't want to feel too much, too soon.  We force ourselves to feel something that's not there, and to force ourselves not to feel something that is there. 

I'm keeping an open mind and an open heart.  Whether this turns into a real relationship or just a close friendship, I'm ready.  No expectations, no definitions.  Just present moment, laughing from the soul and satisfying my cravings. 

"if you just realize, what I just realized..."

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

I believe that hard work pays off.
My parents taught me: treat others as you would want to be treated.
My brothers taught me to stand up for myself and never back down.

I’ve taken all of this to heart and it’s made my professional career very successful.  But it’s easy for someone to take all of that away from you in a split second.  It’s easy for people to knock you down because they don’t want to see you happy or successful.  It’s astounding how jealous some people are of others successes.  But what’s more astounding is how self-absorbed most people are.

How well do we REALLY know someone?

I always thought – “people don’t change, we are who we are.” But lately I’m starting to realize that people can and do change, and not always for the better.  Maybe that’s why relationships fail.  Maybe that’s why friendships end.  Sure, we can blame failed relationships for mis-communication or long distance or “growing apart”.  We can blame friendships ending for betrayal and deceit.   But as much as we want to believe we’re the same person year after year, the truth of the matter is, we are constantly changing.

Five years ago I was a somewhat shy person (shocking, I know).  And I never really talked about half of the things I talk about now.  And I didn’t really care much about my friend’s circle outside of the close ones.  And I didn’t really value family.

But now?

Now I’m much smarter, wiser and more mature than before.
I realize my family is all I have – they are the ones who will be there for you no matter what.
I realize that some friendships and relationships just aren’t meant to be.
I realize that there are very few people in this world that would do anything for me.
I realize that there are quite a handful of people I would do anything for.

It’s all part of growing up – figuring out who’s worth it and who isn’t; which jobs make you happy and which ones don’t; what you want in a relationship and what you’ll never tolerate.  And at some point you have to make a decision – do I hold on and accept mediocrity or do I take a risk, let go and hope to find something better?

One big lesson I’ve learned recently is – if you want someone done right, do it yourself. When it comes to business, I trust very few.  So many people do something to “get their own” or to take advantage or because it only benefits themselves.  I do it because

…it makes me happy,
…I want to make a difference,
…I’m standing up for something I believe in.

And I’m not going to let someone who’s self-absorbed and doesn’t know any better, to take that away from me.  I’ve worked too hard to get this far.

give me something to believe in
’cause I don’t believe in you
anymore, anymore

on how far I've come

“the past has left its stain
now I feel the shame
I’ll seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday”

This time last year I:

• moved into an apartment and living with two girls.  One turned out to be bi-polar.  The other turned out to be a hott mess.
• was getting over a bad breakup and forcing myself to “see the light” (so to speak).
• was at a job I enjoyed, but hated the commute.
• was going through a quarter-life crisis, mostly with my job/career.
• had my car broken into for the first time … and had my foot peed on by a homeless man for the first time.
• was praying for my brother to survive his brain surgery.
• was trying to finding my inner strength.
• broke my silence.

2008 was not a good year for me.  I battled depression and fought from spiraling downhill, usually by drowning my problems with alcohol which is the worst thing anyone could ever do.  I was unhappy with how my life was turning out and I felt like I was hitting rock bottom.
Things changed when the New Year hit and I suddenly found my life slowly turning around for the better.

• I traveled to Vegas for the first time ever with a friend and despite getting propositioned for a threesome and mistaken for a prostitute, it was the best vacation I’ve had to-date.
• I found a new job that is challenging me more and more.  It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it pays significantly well and it tests my abilities with each case I work on.  October officially marks my one-year anniversary working at the firm.
• I recently moved into a house that I absolutely love.  I love being home too much sometimes and having a quiet place to come home to when I’ve had a rather stressful day.
• I’m starting to make my mark on the world.  I picked up a third [unpaid] job over the summer – opening up the PA Chapter of the NCCC and raising awareness for cervical cancer.  My efforts are slowly being seen and heard.  I wrote a letter to a woman who was dying of advanced cervical cancer and that letter was read at her funeral last week.
• I bounced back from my bad break-up and I’m actually happy with my social life right now.  I’m okay with not being with someone just to be with them.  I’m okay with not feeling “tied down.”  I’m okay with going out and coming home alone.  My thirties are for relationships and settling down.  I want to live out my twenties and have as much fun as I possibly can.  I don’t want to settle for something.  Ever.
• My brother is still suffering from his brain tumor, but I am praying every day that things get better.  He’s on anti-tumor pills and if those don’t work, then he’ll need a second surgery.  Again, praying that doesn’t happen, but also realizing that if it does, I need to be on the first flight out to Madison or Houston.
• I’ve let go of some old friendships – realizing that I was just a convenience to those people.  I couldn’t be happier about those decisions though because I’ve picked up some new friendships that have truly out-shined those old ones.

It’s taken me a long while to come this far, but I have to say, I’ve never been happier.  Sure, I have bad days and weak moments but so does everyone else.  But you have to take those bad days and weak moments and not let them destroy who you are or how far you’ve come in life.  You have to keep shining, keep smiling and keep working.  Friends aren’t going to be there for you every time, family isn’t going to love you every second of the day, and bosses aren’t going to love your work product as much as you want – but you have to realize that those flaws, those imperfections and those mistakes are what make you, you. Our experiences – good or bad, right or wrong – define who we are.  And life is too short to be anything but happy…

another post where I quote Grey's Anatomy

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.  But the future is always changing.  The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.  But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself.  The future is never the way we imagined it.

This past weekend was the first time in a very long time when I truly lived in the moment.  It was the first time when I didn’t care what I was doing or who I was with – I just went with the flow of things (and friends) and just did it.  The only thing that mattered was that I was with good people having the time of my life.  One thing is for sure – City Chase was one of the best experiences (and memories) I have of Philadelphia now.
For the longest time I always worried about my future – where I would be, what I would be doing, who I would be sharing it with.  But this past weekend (in between all the craziness of City Chase), I learned that sometimes you have to stop thinking about your future and start living in the moment.

As every new relationship starts to blossom, we tend to get caught up in all of the butterflies and hand-holding and start thinking about the future.  Where is this going? is often the question our minds immediately jump to.  And so we start thinking about all of the possibilities that this new relationship could hold for us – dating turns into exclusivity which turns into moving in together which turns into buying a house together which turns into planning a wedding which turns into planning a future.  That is usually how it happens, right?

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future of my current relationship and just let it be whatever it is … or whatever it wants to be.  I spend so much time worrying about where the relationship is headed that I forget to take in all of the wonderful feelings of a blossoming relationship.  Does it have any kind of future?  Sure it does.  But I’m not going to rush into it.  I’m not going to let it consume me.  Because the moment I get consumed by it, is the moment it slips away.

We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let’s just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better.

- Garden State -

happiness (for me) is...

…waking up before my alarm goes off and feeling surprisingly refreshed and awake.
…sitting outside in the warm weather with a new(ish) friend and getting to know each other over some cold beers.
…planning road trips to Baltimore, Chicago, and Boston all in the same summer.
…the exciting feeling of said road trips this summer.
…a busy day at work (surprised?)
…butterflies in my stomach.
…being OK with losing a good friend, because I know that it’s not me, it’s them.
…brainstorming ways to re-vamp my blog (because it sucks huge donkey dick right now and I hate it).
…having money in my checking account.
…thinking about a certain boy.
…letting other boys go and actually feeling good about it.
…realizing that certain friends just do not understand the true meaning of friendship.
…realizing how hard I have worked to get where I am at in my life right now.
…believing in: everything happens for a reason, even if no one else does.
…believing that someone could actually, genuinely care about you.
…finding the ability to care about that same person in the same way.
…recovering from a broken heart.
…cooking a delicious meal.
…spending time with good friends, near and far.
…spending quality time with my family when it isn’t over a big holiday.
…planning surprises
…playing soccer and realizing that I worked hard to be this good.
…friends who have the ability to make time for you.
…dinner parties.
…happy hours.
…doing the best I can with what I have.
…feeling needed by someone.
…learning from my mistakes.
…knowing that my parents raise me right.
…knowing that my life isn’t perfect and being perfectly happy with that.

"Romeo, take me somewhere, we can be alone"

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about relationships (either by experience or 2nd hand), it’s that you have to take a chance.  You have to take a chance on someone because they very well could be the person you spend the rest of your life with.  You have to forget all of those past relationships and those moments that broke your heart, and open yourself (and your heart) up to something new.

I shied away from relationships because I was afraid of getting hurt.  No one wants to get their heart broken.  I was afraid of falling in love and letting someone complete my life.  I was afraid of a future with someone.  But most importantly, I was afraid of being happy with someone.

But the truth is:  I’m not getting any younger (as scary as that sounds), and with every passing day, I am realizing that a future with someone isn’t as scary as turning 30.  I don’t want to be 40 when I start popping out babies.  I’m not a kid anymore.  My days of partying till the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday night are starting to come to a close.  It’s just as much fun staying in with a bottle of wine and a few movies with some good company, as it is going out and partying with your friends.  The difference is, at least if I stay in with a bottle of wine, I don’t wake up hung over the next morning.

In January I said that 2009 is going to be my year.  I’m taking a chance on someone.  And who knows what will happen with this, but for now, I am going to enjoy every moment of it.  He’s a good guy with good intentions.  He’s grounded and knows what he wants in life.  We both want the same thing.  We both want a future.  Whether it’s a future together or with someone else, well, only time will tell.  But I need to take a chance on him.  I need to let myself feel something again.  I need to be happy again.  I owe it to myself.

We think the stars are fixed in the sky, but they’re not.  We need to give into change; to new things.

A love/hate kind of thing

Love:  living in a big city with tons of stuff to do.
Hate:  living in a big city with tons of people around.

Love: eating bread and cheese for dinner.
Hate: the number of carbs I consume whilst doing so.

Love: scoring the winning goal in my soccer championship game in overtime.
Hate:  playing my next soccer game like absolute crap.

Love:  the movie “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
Hate: having to wait until Friday to receive “Role Models” from Netflix.

Love:  unusually warm winter days.
Hate: how it’s still “winter” in March.

Love: my Pitt Panthers basketball and March Madness.
Hate: watching them lose.

Love: walking to work every day.
Hate: when I forget my umbrella and it’s rainy.

Love:  running into old friends on the street.
Hate: how I have lost touch with so many people.

Love: looking for a new apartment/condo/house already!
Hate: packing and moving.

Love: trying new restaurants.
Hate:  the disappointment afterward when the restaurant doesn’t live up to my expectations.

Love:  cooking up a delicious dinner.
Hate: having to clean up after.

Love:  Michael Jackson and the possibility of a world tour (if he ever came to Philly I would SO be there!)
Hate: how y’all are now judging me for confessing my love for MJ.

Love:  happy hours with good ex-coworkers who have now become close friends.
Hate:  not getting the chance to see them very often.

Love:  reading other people’s blogs.
Hate:  blogs full of pictures.

Love:  the weekend being so close.
Hate: that it’s not yet Friday.