"don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be all right"

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

December 24th Prompt: Everything's OK.  What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything's going to be alright?  And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?}}

 

My plan was to ring in 2011 with good friends, re-brand my nonprofit organization, and start graduate school.  But then all of the shit hit the fan at once, and I found myself curled up in a ball on my couch, blindly staring at my television, feeling crippled.  I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere.  I just wanted to lay.  I haven't felt that type of crippling since June 2003.

My plan instantly shattered when my law firm announced dissolution.  I knew it was coming, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  We never fully prepare ourselves for these types of moments.  I didn't have a back-up plan.  I didn't think I would need one because I never thought my law firm would dissolve.  

And then someone sent me something:

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

 

I had read it before - many times, in fact - but this time, it really hit me.  Little bits of motivation and inspiration from a wonderful person to push me to continue doing what I do best.  That's what friends are for - to push you when you feel crippled; to help you in times when you need their help the most.

 

It was a small gesture with a powerful punch, but it was exactly what I needed to realize that I'm going to be okay.  I'm so much stronger than this, and life really does move on.

Everything's going to be okay.

 

So for that, I thank you.   

 

* title from Bob Marley's Everything's Gonna Be Alright

wise words:

"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a road map.  The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days.  Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.  But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or give someone a second chance, something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream.  Because it's only when you're tested that you discover who you are, that you discover who you can be.  The person you can be does exist beyond the hard work, faith, belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

- One Tree Hill -

on measuring success, survival of the fittest, choices, and never giving up

How do you measure success?

Ask me five years ago and I never thought I would be an entrepreneur.

Ask me ten years ago, and I never thought I would be standing on my own two feet, alone, independent and financially responsible for the rest of my life.

So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same.  I'm growing, learning, doing and living in a world that is constantly changing.  I'm forced to adapt to these changes.  I didn't want this.  I wanted something bigger, better and brighter.  No one tells you how difficult life actually is.  Professors only teach you what they think you need to know.  Parents hide you from the truth because they want you to live a happy, successful life.  But sooner or later, you come across a life-changing event - one that flips your world upside down and rattles your core - and it's not about how that event affects you, but how you react to it. 

Survival of the fittest.  

That's what my Anthropology professors taught me in college.  Bones, fossils, evolution and survival of the fittest.  Because when you think about it, life is made up of events, situations, moments and feelings, and when you experience something that changes your life and rattles your core, you need to figure out how to survive.

I had a choice - sink or swim.  I chose to swim - blindly, without goggles and without a coach.  No shoveled path, no guidance, no hand-holding; just dive in, experience every single moment, and hope for the best.  For the first time in my life, I became the teacher.  I taught myself how to swim (figuratively), and more importantly, survive in a world that's always changing.  I taught myself how to find passion in something, work harder at what I want, and smile when I just want to cry.  I taught myself how to find the endurance, strength and integrity to continue running a business that [most days] is failing.  I taught myself how to love deeper, laugh harder, smile more, and stand on my own two feet. 

The moment you let it all get you is the moment you begin sinking. 

I've had more bad moments than good.  I guess it comes with the package.  I have days when I want to let go, give in, and call it quits.  But then I realize that by doing so, I abandon so many things.  I abandon everything I have worked so hard for, for the last ten years of my life.  I abandon so many people who have helped me get to where I am today.

It's not about giving up, it's about pushing through (TWSS) those rough moments and bad days, knowing better, brighter days lie ahead.  It's about realizing how far you've come [in such a short amount of time] and using that as motivation to push you forward to the next day, the next week, the next month.  It's about being happy where are you - right this moment - and savoring it, because you may never feel that same way again.  But most importantly, it's about loving, laughing, and smiling because sometimes it's those little moments that help get us through a really, really bad day.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life... but the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

- Booker T. Washington -

photo credit

it's time to fix what's broken

I believe in fixing your my own problems.

Like how I bought wall shelves from Tar-jhay two weeks ago for my sex dungeon bedroom and I wanted to hang them myself, so I screwed holes into my walls without measuring the shelves to find out just how far apart the screws had to go and I ended up with one five too many holes in my walls but I fixed it because I'm awesome and you can't even tell that I totally failed at hanging those shelves.

Or that time I boarded the wrong plane because I was late to the airport  severely intoxicated (thank you, Mr. Lawyer for buying me shots of whiskey that night) and I ended up in Jacksonville instead of Pittsburgh because yes, I BOARDED THE WRONG PLANE and I'm apparently an idiot when I'm drunk, so I fixed the problem by catching a red-eye flight home. (make note of this if you ever have to travel with me and I decide we pre-game at the airport)

OK fine, that's not really a fix to my problem, but whatever.  I still made it home and it still makes an awesome story to tell.  You're welcome.

My point is, I'm a do-er, not a watcher. (TWSS? No?)  I like to do men  midgets  things, not watch someone else do them for me.  This is a result of my fierce independence for the last seven years.  I don't like feeling helpless, and I often feel that way when I can't do something myself or I need someone else to do something for me. 

I have been fighting a lot of internal demons lately, like my depression and loneliness.  I finally reached that point where I could admit to myself that I was depressed and lonely without feeling bad or suicidal.  No, I'm not suicidal.  (I can only imagine how many people are going to come across my blog when they search for 'suicide' or 'suicidal' on Google now)

Last night I kind of had my breaking point with all of it.  I've been trying to fight my demons myself and figure out how to cure my own depression and loneliness.  Truth is, I can't do it and it's taken me seven years to finally admit to myself that I need help.

My first and only experience with a therapist was about seven years ago.  My mother kind of forced me to see one because her and I were having a bad relationship and I was also battling a mentally abusive [which later became physically abusive] relationship and she insisted that I talk to someone.  I've asked my friends who have experienced the whole therapy-thing if it's really worked.  They've all said the same thing: the key to good therapy is finding the right therapist. 

I'm not the kind of person who talks openly about my life because I'm afraid of being judged or criticized for some of the things I have experienced or endured in my past or the mistakes I've made that have left me damaged and broken. 

I stopped seeing my therapist because I felt like it wasn't helping; she wasn't helping me solve my problems or find out why I was battling depression.  Looking back, I now realize that the reason therapy didn't work for me was because I didn't like my therapist.

For the last few months, I've juggled back and forth about seeing a therapist again.  In the back of my head, I keep thinking that seeing a therapist won't help me find answers.  What do they know about my life?!  But realistically, I need someone to talk to - a professional - who can help me sort through all of the internal things I am going through.

I'm damaged and broken and I need someone to fix me.

I finally made the commitment to see a therapist.  I have two consultation appointments with two different therapists (because I whole-heartedly believe that if counseling is going to work for me, I need to find the right therapist).  Of course no one told me that mental health costs so much!  Goodbye, $145 that I will never see again!

But in the end, it's not about the money.  It's about working through my demons and finding myself again.  It's about re-telling all of my damaging stories and experiences so that I can fix what's broken.

I just hope this works.

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar.  It follows us home, it changes our lives; trauma messes everyone up, but maybe that's the point.  All the pain and the fear and the crap.  Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward; it's what pushes us.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

- Grey's Anatomy -

wise words:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

(via)

Messy, yet simple.

Crowded, yet elegant.

Lost, yet beautiful.

Broken, yet unique.

I woke up today feeling out of sorts.  I still feel out of it.  I mean, I'm here, I'm doing things and making strides, but I don't feel like myself.  I feel lost and messy and broken. 

I'm making great strides to help eradicate cervical cancer and raise awareness for the disease, but I don't feel like I'm making a difference; I don't feel like my actions are being noticed.

I'm making a conceited effort to learn more so I can grow professionally, but I still feel uneducated.

I'm making a conceited effort to read more, but I still feel like the stack of books just keep piling up on my desk.

I'm making a conceited effort to teach myself new programs, new software, and new projects, but I feel like I'm failing. 

I think I finally reached my breaking point.  I'm doing too much, I'm working too hard, I'm forcing myself to believe I can do it all.  I'm forcing myself to believe I'm invincible, but now it's caught up to me.  I need to stop doing so much.  I need to stop thinking so much.  I need to stop trying to cram 4928 projects into one single day, and let myself complete one project each day.  But it's hard (that's what she said) to not do too much, to not work so hard, to not believe I can do it all.  I want to be successful.  I want to make a change.  But I realize that I'm pushing myself beyond my limits and it's finally come at a cost.

I'm just glad tomorrow's a new day.

"I have to believe my actions still have meaning ... I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there..."

the good, the bad... and a lewis black joke

I've lived in this City of Brotherly love for about five years now and it's been five years too long  it's time for the good, the bad and...a Lewis Black joke.

And since it's Friday, you get bullets.

You're welcome.

The Good:

• Kelly Drive.  I absolutely despise driving on 76 (aka the "Schuylkill" - more on that later).  I am absolutely terrible with navigating (just ask her), so it took me a good long while to find back roads in this city.  I finally figured out how to get onto Kelly Drive from the city and I have to say, I love driving on it.  Except when drunk.  Never take Kelly Drive when intoxicated because of all the twists and turns.  But on a warm, summer night I find myself turning the music up a little louder, rolling my windows down a little lower and just taking it all in (that's what she said).  

• Boat House Row.  If you drive on the Schuylkill or Kelly Drive at night, you'll eventually see Boat House Row.  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  See?

• Art Museum on the 4th of July.  I love fireworks, and not just on Independence Day.  I've seen many fireworks shows in several different cities in my lifetime and I have to say, the fireworks at the Art Museum on the 4th of July are breathtaking.  Plus, the city has musical performances.  Last year it was Sheryl Crow and the year before that it was John Legend.  Seriously?  It's awesome.  If you live in this city and haven't experienced sex the fireworks, do it next summer.  See?

(this poster doesn't do it justice)

• Soft pretzels.  I've eaten a lot of cock soft pretzels in my day and philly soft pretzels kick every other city's soft pretzel ass.  Spicy mustard on the side, please.

• The Phanatic.  Even though I don't like the Phillies, I will say that they have the best. mascot. ever.  

(at the World Series Parade - 2008)

•  Parks.  The parks here are phenomenal.  I walk through Rittenhouse Park every day and it's by far one of my favorite things about living in this city.  Especially during the summer when everyone is out enjoying the nice weather.  Love Park which has the renown Love statue (case closed).  And finally,  Fairmount Park, which is the largest public park in the country.  True story.  It even kicks Central Park's ass.  Central Park is 843 acres and Fairmount Park is 9200 acres.  How you like them apples, NYC!

The Bad:

• The Schuylkill (pronounced "school-kill").  Or as I call it, the Highway to Hell.  I avoid it at all costs because of the gi-normous cluster f*ck that it always is.  

• The Philadelphia Eagles.  Here's an idea.  Let's work really hard to win the NFC Championship, punch your ticket to the Super Bowl and then once you get to the Superbowl, CHOKE!  Seriously, it's time to trade in McNabb and Reid. 
  

• The Philadelphia Phillies.  I'd be lying if I said I was mad when the Yankees won the World Series this year.  Truth be told, I can't stand 99% of the Phillies.  Except Cole Hamels.  He's hot and I'd totally have his babies if his wife would let me.

• Philadelphia Cheesesteaks.  I've never eaten so many cheesesteaks in the last five years than I have my entire life.  And granted, I haven't really eaten that many cheesesteaks, but when you live in the city that is known for them, it's kind of hard to turn one down.  Especially at 3AM when you're highly intoxicated. 
  

A Lewis Black joke:

• You ever read the ingredients in sunblock?  I've never seen those words anywhere.  You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you?  You go, "oh no, the sun's out!"  It could be zebra cum; you don't know.  You may not like that joke, but YOU DON'T KNOW.
  

Ba-dum-dum-tsss.

(the joke may or may not have been better hearing it from Lewis Black himself).

Enjoy your weekend!

wise words:

"All our young lives we search for someone to love.  Someone who makes us complete.  We choose partners and change partners.  We dance to a song of heart break and hope ... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."

 

- The Wonder Years -

moments

(via)

"Life isn't always easy.  OK, it's rarely easy.  We all face some pretty big "ouch" moments just by being here and it's not always easy to cope.  And, more often than not, it's the painful moments that catch us by surprise."

Yesterday was one of those days.  This week is one of those weeks.  A part of me wants to scream, but another part of me wants to break down and cry.  I can feel the depression sinking in and I'm trying so hard to fight it.

I miss my parents.  I miss them every day, but for some reason today - and all of this week - I have missed them even more.  I miss that unconditional love and support parents give their children.  I miss big family holidays together.  I miss the moments, the laughter, the love.  I try not to let this be a crutch in my life but I have days - moments - when I deeply and genuinely miss them.

I am trying to find the "good" in all of this, but I am not sure what good comes out of a child losing both of her parents at such a young age.  I feel like I have missed out on so much because I have spent the last six years trying to get my life together.  I'm still not together and I'm not sure I'll ever be.

Sophia Loren said it best: "Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now." 

I know that I'm a stronger person for having lived through this so early in my life.  I know that I'm a better person because I realize not to take anything for granted anymore.  I know that by living through that, I can live through anything.  But sometimes I just want a day - a moment - to be consumed in the sadness of it all.  Sometimes you have to sink to the bottom before you can rise to the top.

"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.  Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.  No one asks for their life to change - but it does.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you really are."

- Whistler -

wise words:

"Don't ask for an easier life; ask to be a stronger person."

wise words:

The truth is painful.  Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits so close to home.  Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give.  Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it outloud to hear it ourselves.  And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves.  Sometimes we tell them because we owe them at least that much.

- Grey's Anatomy -

another post where I quote Grey's Anatomy

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow.  But the future is always changing.  The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.  But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself.  The future is never the way we imagined it.

This past weekend was the first time in a very long time when I truly lived in the moment.  It was the first time when I didn’t care what I was doing or who I was with – I just went with the flow of things (and friends) and just did it.  The only thing that mattered was that I was with good people having the time of my life.  One thing is for sure – City Chase was one of the best experiences (and memories) I have of Philadelphia now.
For the longest time I always worried about my future – where I would be, what I would be doing, who I would be sharing it with.  But this past weekend (in between all the craziness of City Chase), I learned that sometimes you have to stop thinking about your future and start living in the moment.

As every new relationship starts to blossom, we tend to get caught up in all of the butterflies and hand-holding and start thinking about the future.  Where is this going? is often the question our minds immediately jump to.  And so we start thinking about all of the possibilities that this new relationship could hold for us – dating turns into exclusivity which turns into moving in together which turns into buying a house together which turns into planning a wedding which turns into planning a future.  That is usually how it happens, right?

For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to stop thinking about the future of my current relationship and just let it be whatever it is … or whatever it wants to be.  I spend so much time worrying about where the relationship is headed that I forget to take in all of the wonderful feelings of a blossoming relationship.  Does it have any kind of future?  Sure it does.  But I’m not going to rush into it.  I’m not going to let it consume me.  Because the moment I get consumed by it, is the moment it slips away.

We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let’s just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better.

- Garden State -