on my biggest fear

"My biggest fear is dying alone."

...he told me as I was laying on my couch.  My heart stopped for a split second.  His fear was mine, too.  And it was comforting to know that someone shares the same fear as I do.  It makes me realize I'm not alone in this world.

For as long as I can remember, I've put up a wall from the outside world.  Most of it has to do with my trust issues, but another part of it has to do with my insecurities.  You probably wouldn't think that I'm so insecure with myself, but I am.  One of my strengths is being able to give blow jobs hide it so well. 

Four years ago I met the love of my life.  He was perfect in every single way except for one - his inability to commit.  Still, I allowed myself to break down and open up to him.  He broke my wall and I became vulnerable for the first time in my life.  It wasn't long after that he broke my heart to pieces.  I thought I'd never be the same after that.  I stop believing in the idea of falling in love and a "happily ever after."  I swore off dating because I didn't think any one could love me like he loved me.  I didn't want to allow myself to become vulnerable to a guy, only to have him break me into a million pieces.  

I was nervous going to Tampa because it would be the first time he and I would spend any significant time with each other.  I knew in the back of my head it would either make us or break us, and frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out.  Ignorance is bliss after all, isn't it? 

They say you find something when you least expect it.  Well, I certainly didn't expect to find this. Or feel it.  I've turned off any feeling I ever had for any guy in my past, present or future, so I forgot what it was like to have a crush again.  I forgot what it was like to let a guy cater to you because he wants to.  I forgot what it was like to have a guy respect you and value you for everything you are ... and even for the things you aren't.  It's easy to feel something, but it's hard to take that risk.

Here he is, a guy who is falling head over heels for me; a guy who would climb Mt. Everest if it meant the chance to be with me.  But I'm too afraid.  I'm afraid of getting hurt; I'm afraid of becoming vulnerable; I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again.

And it wasn't until he told me "my biggest fear is dying alone" that I realized something...

.....I'm more afraid of being happy with him than of getting my heart broken by him.  I'm so used to being in crappy, complicated relationships that I forgot what it's like to be happy with someone.

My biggest fear isn't dying alone.

My biggest fear is being happy with someone.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."