always moving forward, never looking back

I have spent a good portion of my life caring about others rather than caring about myself.  Even when I was going through my chemotherapy treatments, I spent those moments asking the other cancer patients how they were feeling and if I could help them with anything, rather than spending that time on myself.

I have a knack for putting others before myself.  I do it because I believe that I genuinely care about others (well, most others) and I realize that there are people in this world who are a lot less fortunate than I am.  Or you are.  And those are the people who truly need help.

Late last night I had a brief one-sided conversation with a friend.  They asked why I was up so late and I said, "I'm getting stuff done."  That opened the flood gates.

"What?"

"Applying for jobs."

"Where?  Why?"

"Because I'm done living here.  I've been here 5 years now and I don't want to be here forever.  I'm ready for a change.  Expand my horizons."

"Where?"

"Sacramento.  Seattle.  Los Angeles.  San Francisco.  Phoenix.  Dallas.  Houston.  Anywhere but Philadelphia."

"Lots of Asians in California.  Not so much in Phoenix or Texas."

It was at that moment that I realized:

Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

I don't ask much of anyone.  Even in my moments of need, I don't really ask people for support.  But all I needed was a friend, and that person couldn't be much of one. 

I'm making a big decision.  I'm leaving my career to pursue a dream.  I'm leaving my home state to pursue a better, happier life.  I'm leaving my friends to hopefully find others.  I'm giving up everything with the hopes of gaining something much more rewarding and valuable. 

I applied for jobs in Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Phoenix and Dallas.  Now all I can do is sit back and hope that something good comes out of all of this.  I'm taking a huge risk, but in my heart I know it will lead to a happier, more rewarding life. 

For the first time in probably a long time, I'm putting myself before anyone else.  Selfish?  No.  Smart.  I'm finally ready to move on.  It's the decision I've been juggling for the last four years.  I stayed in Philadelphia because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go next. 

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be."

For the first time in my life, I finally have some clarity.  I'm ready to pack up and leave.  I'm ready for a new city.  I'm ready for a happier life.  I deserve this.  Yes, it's going to be sad to leave my friends behind, but I know they'll do well.  I know they will move on with their lives with or without me in it.  I need to do this for myself ... because everyone else is moving onto bigger and better things.  Now it's MY turn.

For the first time in my life, I'm ready.  And I'm not looking back. 

I want this.