on hope.

Kanji symbol for "Hope"

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life.   

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Why is it so easy to focus on the negative aspects of life, than the positive ones?  With so much beauty in the world, why are we constantly looking and waiting for the next negative thing to happen?

I can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders.  I can feel the internal knot being loosened.  Chalk it up to being in therapy or the Joy Equation or just changing my attitude and perspective on life, but I am beginning to feel happier and more hopeful. 

I have trouble letting go - of papers, of journals, of friends, of ideas, of mementos.  I hold onto everything - good and bad - because I feel like I need those things in my life.  I am afraid to let go because of the mere thought that I could actually be happy some day.  Yet, the reality is, many of those things that I have been holding onto have been very damaging for me.  People have been inadvertently stealing my joy and happiness and I didn't even know it.  Ideas have been sucking the life out of me and prohibiting me from doing better, more productive things.  I have been preventing myself from being authentically happy by holding onto everything.

I got a second tattoo last week - the kanji symbol for hope.  I first started believing in hope a few years ago.  I had spent too many years dwelling on the negative aspects of my life, and realized that I need to change my ways or I would be stuck on this beaten path forever.  I started believing in myself and my ability to overcome adversity and do wonderful things in life. 

I sat in the tattoo parlor, squeezing the life out of my best friend's hand to distract me from the pain (yes, tattoos hurt and if someone tells you they don't, they are LYING!).  Just as he finished up, I took a deep breath, let go of my friend's hand and thought, after all the shit I've been through, here's hoping the best is yet to come.

I'm hopeful that I can find a better job, or even a better career.  

I'm hopeful that I can fix seven years of internal pain and suffering and not well up at the sight of a mother and daughter having lunch on a Saturday afternoon.  

I'm hopeful that I can finish my memoir (part 1, at least) and get it published by the time I'm 30.  

I'm hopeful that I can get my nonprofit to where I want it to be.

I'm hopeful that the best is yet to come.

I came back from Florida with another tattoo and a fresher outlook on life.  My happiness lies in letting go of the negative and damaging things around me, like toxic friendships, judgmentally damaging people, and bad decisions.  Because it's about doing things for yourself to find your own happiness.  All this time, I had been relying on other people and other things to bring me happiness, when in fact, they have been stealing it from me.

When you think about it, we all need something to hope for.  A better job.  A better writing project.  A better outcome.  A better relationship.  We hope for the best because we believe we deserve it.  And you know what?  We really do deserve the best. 

"Hope is a good thing - maybe the best of things - and no good thing ever dies."
 - Shawshank Redemption -

trust and hope

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Trust.

A simple word with substantial meaning. 

For years, I've struggled with it. Even now, I still do.

I trusted my college boyfriend when he said he loved me and he cared about me, but then he cheated on me.  Twice.  With two different girls.  Then I trusted that he would protect me - like any boyfriend would protect his girlfriend - but he physically abused me.  So, I left him.

I've never been in a healthy relationship.  I'm sure it's odd since I've had three serious relationships and I've dated a handful of guys - but I can't say that of those three, any of them were healthy.  I just don't know what a healthy relationship is.  Maybe that's why I question whether true love really exists.

I trusted my best friend of 14 years to be my best friend and love and support me, even during my darkest days.  14 years of a friendship and I can't even trust her to listen to me when I need her to.  I can't trust her with much of my life anymore.  So I've stopped depending on her and sharing certain parts of my life with her.

Friendships are a two-way street.  You have to put into it just as much as the other person does, in order for it to last.  For the last decade or so, I've been putting everything I have into that friendship and getting very little in return.  Some people just don't know how to be concerned with anything except themselves.  It's taken me 14 years to realize just how self absorbed and self-centered my "best friend" really is.  And I realize, perhaps a little too late, that some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

I trusted myself to make the right decisions that would lead me to a successful career and happiness.  Most days I feel like I'm failing at everything.

Life isn't ever what you dreamed it would be.  You have to work hard at everything - friendships, relationships, jobs, sports, dieting, exercising - everything.  My biggest flaw is being too hard on myself.  With everything I do.  I can't help it.  I want perfection.  I know it doesn't exist, but a girl can still hope.  Hope [and faith] is what gets me through each and every day.  

I want to be more trusting, but I am afraid of becoming too vulnerable.  I keep [most] people at a distance because I don't appear vulnerable to them.  When you're vulnerable, they can take advantage.  I want to seem strong, independent and determined.

I started seeing a therapist (one that I actually like) because I need to put myself back together again.  I need to feel whole and complete.  I tend to lose track of myself because I get so concerned with others.  I hide my emotions because I don't want to appear vulnerable and weak to others.  I don't discuss the intricate details of my life openly because I'm afraid of the judgment, criticism and sympathy that someone will give me.  Even though I seem strong, independent, determined and focused, I'm also emotional and vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it's all about me.

I need to be more trusting [in others] and more believing [in myself].  I need to let go of that which I cannot control and let others lead their own path.  I need to be more accepting of myself and believe that I really will conquer this world one day.  But most importantly, I need to continue to have hope and faith, each and every day.

Sometimes hope is all we have left in this world to keep on living.

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