on loathing the homeownership process and a dolphin video

Remember when you were a little girl (or boy?  or sexually confused girl or boy?) and you imagined what your life would be like as an adult?  You would tell your friends you would marry Prince Charming and live in this gorgeous house with a white picket fence and sit on the porch swing sipping wine until the sun went down. 

Well, whoever stole my gorgeous 3-bedroom/2-bathroom house with a white picket fence needs to return it. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (and anyone in between), I'm crossing #34 off of my bucket list and buying a house.  Or a condo.  Or whatever the hell I can find that won't break my bank and won't involve massive renovations.  Or a big, fat, ugly tree in the back yard that I will constantly worry about when a thunderstorm rolls in.

Whoever said real estate shopping is fun, needs to be shot  slapped.  Sure, it's all fun and games for the first ten minutes, but then after a whole week of looking at listings and hours spent going from house to house (chauffeured by the worst best Greek realtor ever who buys you a $9 lunch at a tiny Vietnamese stand during your very first meeting) I want to gouge my eyes out.

Why is it so damn hard to find a nice house in the city?  Am I too picky?  Do I have that high of standards for my FIRST HOUSE EVER?  Or does Philadelphia real estate just suck major donkey balls?

Do you own or rent your current place?  If you own, how many houses did you look at before you found the one you bought? 

PS: Do you like dolphins?  Then watch this. (WARNING: NSFW)  Even if you don't like dolphins, you should still watch it.  You're welcome in advance.

trust and hope

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Trust.

A simple word with substantial meaning. 

For years, I've struggled with it. Even now, I still do.

I trusted my college boyfriend when he said he loved me and he cared about me, but then he cheated on me.  Twice.  With two different girls.  Then I trusted that he would protect me - like any boyfriend would protect his girlfriend - but he physically abused me.  So, I left him.

I've never been in a healthy relationship.  I'm sure it's odd since I've had three serious relationships and I've dated a handful of guys - but I can't say that of those three, any of them were healthy.  I just don't know what a healthy relationship is.  Maybe that's why I question whether true love really exists.

I trusted my best friend of 14 years to be my best friend and love and support me, even during my darkest days.  14 years of a friendship and I can't even trust her to listen to me when I need her to.  I can't trust her with much of my life anymore.  So I've stopped depending on her and sharing certain parts of my life with her.

Friendships are a two-way street.  You have to put into it just as much as the other person does, in order for it to last.  For the last decade or so, I've been putting everything I have into that friendship and getting very little in return.  Some people just don't know how to be concerned with anything except themselves.  It's taken me 14 years to realize just how self absorbed and self-centered my "best friend" really is.  And I realize, perhaps a little too late, that some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

I trusted myself to make the right decisions that would lead me to a successful career and happiness.  Most days I feel like I'm failing at everything.

Life isn't ever what you dreamed it would be.  You have to work hard at everything - friendships, relationships, jobs, sports, dieting, exercising - everything.  My biggest flaw is being too hard on myself.  With everything I do.  I can't help it.  I want perfection.  I know it doesn't exist, but a girl can still hope.  Hope [and faith] is what gets me through each and every day.  

I want to be more trusting, but I am afraid of becoming too vulnerable.  I keep [most] people at a distance because I don't appear vulnerable to them.  When you're vulnerable, they can take advantage.  I want to seem strong, independent and determined.

I started seeing a therapist (one that I actually like) because I need to put myself back together again.  I need to feel whole and complete.  I tend to lose track of myself because I get so concerned with others.  I hide my emotions because I don't want to appear vulnerable and weak to others.  I don't discuss the intricate details of my life openly because I'm afraid of the judgment, criticism and sympathy that someone will give me.  Even though I seem strong, independent, determined and focused, I'm also emotional and vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it's all about me.

I need to be more trusting [in others] and more believing [in myself].  I need to let go of that which I cannot control and let others lead their own path.  I need to be more accepting of myself and believe that I really will conquer this world one day.  But most importantly, I need to continue to have hope and faith, each and every day.

Sometimes hope is all we have left in this world to keep on living.

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on happiness

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Positively Present is one of my favorite blogs to read.  It gives advice on how to be more positive and happy in our lives.  And really, who doesn't need that?

I saw the picture above on today's post.  It really struck a chord in me.  And I started thinking, how happy am I really?

Six years ago I was living in Pittsburgh, finishing school and getting ready to embark on another chapter.  Six years ago I wasn't happy.  I had just ended a bad relationship and all I wanted to do was finish school and leave the city.  Pittsburgh is a small town.  It's a college town and most people who grow up in Pittsburgh, don't leave.  I knew that I didn't want to be one of those people.  All of my friends from high school went to Penn State and found their way back to Pittsburgh.  I didn't want to be like them, either.

When I applied for jobs, I landed two: one with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia and the other with the Attorney General's office in Washington, D.C.  My dream was to live in D.C.  But at the time, I knew I couldn't afford it.  So I declined the job offer and took the one in Philadelphia.  My first year in Philly was tough.  The only person I knew in this city was my ex and I had no intentions of spending any time with him.  It took me a while before I branched out of my comfort zone, but I found a few sports leagues to join and I attended some networking events with co-workers.  By the end of that first year, I had built myself a nice social network.

It's been five years now and that original social network no longer exists, but I believe that I've made myself a better social network.  I believe that those friends I met during that first year here weren't really "friends."  Maybe they were temporary friends; maybe I was just holding out until a better friend came along.

Twenty-five years of living has taught me to dispose of all the crappy friends in my life.  I learned that second chances don't come often - and if I give you a second chance, well, you better make the most of it.  I learned that certain people will always let you down and sometimes it's those friends who you never thought could, end up exceeding your expectations. You're going to have crappy friends and those friends who will do anything for you - but it's up to you to realize what they are worth to you.  Sometimes we forget that; we forget how worthy a friend really is to us.  We focus too much on those moments they let us down and forget about those moments they stood beside us when we really needed them. 

The friends I've made over the last five years are worth more than the weight of gold.  The memories I've created in this city are unforgettable.

Am I happy?

Yes.  Absolutely.  I may not be happy every second of every day, but I'm happy with the life I've created for myself in this city.  I'm happy lucky to have the friends I do and the memories I'll never forget .  I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about living in Philadelphia; certain memories I have of this city sting every part of my body, but I'm working on letting go of that painful past and creating a unforgettable, happy future for myself.  I still have a lot of work to do, but so far, I think I've done pretty well.

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better."

- Garden State -

the good, the bad... and a lewis black joke

I've lived in this City of Brotherly love for about five years now and it's been five years too long  it's time for the good, the bad and...a Lewis Black joke.

And since it's Friday, you get bullets.

You're welcome.

The Good:

• Kelly Drive.  I absolutely despise driving on 76 (aka the "Schuylkill" - more on that later).  I am absolutely terrible with navigating (just ask her), so it took me a good long while to find back roads in this city.  I finally figured out how to get onto Kelly Drive from the city and I have to say, I love driving on it.  Except when drunk.  Never take Kelly Drive when intoxicated because of all the twists and turns.  But on a warm, summer night I find myself turning the music up a little louder, rolling my windows down a little lower and just taking it all in (that's what she said).  

• Boat House Row.  If you drive on the Schuylkill or Kelly Drive at night, you'll eventually see Boat House Row.  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  See?

• Art Museum on the 4th of July.  I love fireworks, and not just on Independence Day.  I've seen many fireworks shows in several different cities in my lifetime and I have to say, the fireworks at the Art Museum on the 4th of July are breathtaking.  Plus, the city has musical performances.  Last year it was Sheryl Crow and the year before that it was John Legend.  Seriously?  It's awesome.  If you live in this city and haven't experienced sex the fireworks, do it next summer.  See?

(this poster doesn't do it justice)

• Soft pretzels.  I've eaten a lot of cock soft pretzels in my day and philly soft pretzels kick every other city's soft pretzel ass.  Spicy mustard on the side, please.

• The Phanatic.  Even though I don't like the Phillies, I will say that they have the best. mascot. ever.  

(at the World Series Parade - 2008)

•  Parks.  The parks here are phenomenal.  I walk through Rittenhouse Park every day and it's by far one of my favorite things about living in this city.  Especially during the summer when everyone is out enjoying the nice weather.  Love Park which has the renown Love statue (case closed).  And finally,  Fairmount Park, which is the largest public park in the country.  True story.  It even kicks Central Park's ass.  Central Park is 843 acres and Fairmount Park is 9200 acres.  How you like them apples, NYC!

The Bad:

• The Schuylkill (pronounced "school-kill").  Or as I call it, the Highway to Hell.  I avoid it at all costs because of the gi-normous cluster f*ck that it always is.  

• The Philadelphia Eagles.  Here's an idea.  Let's work really hard to win the NFC Championship, punch your ticket to the Super Bowl and then once you get to the Superbowl, CHOKE!  Seriously, it's time to trade in McNabb and Reid. 
  

• The Philadelphia Phillies.  I'd be lying if I said I was mad when the Yankees won the World Series this year.  Truth be told, I can't stand 99% of the Phillies.  Except Cole Hamels.  He's hot and I'd totally have his babies if his wife would let me.

• Philadelphia Cheesesteaks.  I've never eaten so many cheesesteaks in the last five years than I have my entire life.  And granted, I haven't really eaten that many cheesesteaks, but when you live in the city that is known for them, it's kind of hard to turn one down.  Especially at 3AM when you're highly intoxicated. 
  

A Lewis Black joke:

• You ever read the ingredients in sunblock?  I've never seen those words anywhere.  You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you?  You go, "oh no, the sun's out!"  It could be zebra cum; you don't know.  You may not like that joke, but YOU DON'T KNOW.
  

Ba-dum-dum-tsss.

(the joke may or may not have been better hearing it from Lewis Black himself).

Enjoy your weekend!

"don't forget to tip your bartenders"

• What's a customary tip for a bartender?

Me?  I usually tip $1 for each drink.  And maybe I'll leave the extra quarter or two if it gets me laid I feel generous. 

Baltimorians?  Baltimorialites?  They don't tip.  10 people each bought a Miller Lite or a Coors Lite that cost $3.75 and all 10 people paid the $3.75 and didn't tip.  Actually, one guy left the extra quarter.  Clearly he felt the need to be generous.

I never understood people who don't tip their bartenders.  I mean, I know we're in a recession and all, but don't you understand that your bartenders are working on tips?  How would you feel if someone tipped you a quarter on a $4.00 drink?!

Reason #5968 why I don't like Baltimore.

I think the only good thing B-more has going for them are their crab cakes.  I had true Maryland style crab cakes this weekend and they definitely did not disappoint.

Also?  The Inner Harbor is nice ...... but not great.  Although I am jealous that Baltimore has an ESPN Zone and Philly doesn't.  For all who don't know, ESPN Zone is probably the best. overpriced. sports. bar. ever.  It's like Dave and Busters but with more TV's and less games.  OK fine, so it's nothing like Dave and Busters but it's still awesome.  And Philadelphia needs to get one ASAP.

Needless to say, I probably won't be making a trip down to B-more any time soon.  It was nice to get away for a night, but I'm glad I'm home.

Philadelphia - 1
Baltimore - 0

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second chances

I'm not a big fan of giving second chances.

I gave Baltimore a second chance yesterday.  I wasn't impressed.  The city reminds me too much of home.  I realized, as I was walking the streets, that I need to live in a city that has a thriving nightlife.  I need a city that offers something every night of the week.

I gave myself a second chance on a guy.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was forcing myself to give in and let him fill a void - but I realized on my drive home today that I don't want just some guy to fill that void. I don't want to settle, and I certainly don't want to be misleading or inflict any kind of [unintentional] pain on him.

The good thing about second chances is your learn from them.  You begin to realize what you want, what you like, what you will tolerate.  I like my life how it is and I think I'd be making a huge mistake to allow some guy to fill a void just because I'm lonely or just because I can say that I have someone.  I don't want any of that.  Not yet.  Not right now.

When you find someone - or something - that you really like, you'll feel it.  Deep down in your heart you'll really feel it and know that it's what you want or who you want or where you want your life to lead.

Feel it and let it feel you... because once you do feel it, it's absolutely incredible.

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is it ever enough?

{picture taken by yours truly, edited in Picnik}

If love is all we need, then why are we constantly searching for more of something else? 

I find myself always looking for something.  A really good book.  A new pair of jeans.  A new restaurant to try.  A new city to explore.  I want more.  I feel like I'll never be satisfied with what I have, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

I took the last few days off while my cousin was in town.  No work, no nonprofit stuff, no mind-drifting.  I was consumed in wine, cheese, conversations, laughter, taking pictures and walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  We had a Girls Night, toured our Nation's Capital, and shared stimulating conversations with the boy over delicious beers.  As wonderful as the weekend was though, I wasn't completely satisfied.  (TWSS)  Something was missing.  Something just didn't feel right.  I wanted more, but I didn't know what of.

Why is it, when our lives are filled with so many wonderful things - like a good job, great friends, passion, and laughter - are we always looking for something else?  Are we ever satisfied?

on my next big city

“I told her stop trying
‘Cause the reason for your tears
Aren’t worth crying”

On a cold, rainy day like today I wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I wish I could wear flip flops and tank tops year round. I wish the sun would shine more often. I wish I didn’t have to wear sweaters and jackets.

Every year, usually around November or December, the bitterness of living in this city begins to set in. I begin to despise the cold temperatures, the fact that I have to wear socks and shoes, and having to dress in layers. Today, that bitterness set in. Living in this city is now becoming more stagnant and starting to become unbearable. It’s ironic because just the other day I told a friend how good it was to be home after coming from Chicago. Of course, Chicago’s weather is about eight times worse during the winter months than Philadelphia’s. And it didn’t help that it was cold, rainy and windy in the mid-west.

The more I stay in this city, the more I wonder if this is where I’m going to stay for the rest of my life. It’s scary. I never planned on coming back to this city after college, but … life has a mysterious way of working itself out. And now that I’m here, I like it. I’ve done a lot of traveling this past year – Vegas, Washington DC, New York City, Boston, Chicago – and I still have a few more places to hit before the year is over. I think all the traveling I do is what makes living in this city tolerable.

I’m craving something else. Something different. Something warmer. But I’m not sure if this is for real or just because the seasons are changing and winter will soon be upon us. I had every intention of moving to Chicago in 2009 but that was easily squashed when I realized that I despise cold weather. I have thoughts of moving to Arizona, California or Texas. Sometimes I dream of being “that girl” who quits her job and moves across the country to start a new life. But then I realize that I have worked way too hard to make a life for myself in this city. The thought of leaving this life and my friends behind absolutely terrifies me. It’s my friends and my social life that make me continue to live in this city year after year. But it’s my career that forces me to stay in this city.

One thing I know for certain – I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this city. I travel so much because I’m looking for something more, something better. I’m looking for my next destination, my next place to call “home.” I’m looking for that big city I can fall in love with. I just don’t know where that city is yet.

As the winter months approach, my need for traveling to warmer climates grows stronger. Arizona. Texas. California. They’re on the top of my list of places to go next. And I have a feeling one of those states is for me; one of those states will be my next home.

I know life works out – and most of the time in ways we just don’t understand – but I’m not a very patient person. I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve built up here so that when I leave, I can hopefully take them with me to my next place. I’m trying to find the strength I need to be able to let go of everything I have here and start a new life, a better life, somewhere else. I’m trying to let go of those who have wronged me and those who have hurt me. But most importantly, I’m trying to let go of settling for right now and accept the fact that I have better things waiting for me ahead.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I want to be that change.

And soon enough, I’ll get it.

“Cause this life is a beautiful one
And though I’ve seen it comin’ undone
I know most definitely it works out
the way it’s meant to be
So, baby, keep your head up
Keep it on the up and up”