"Letting go of all I've held onto..."

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Let go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why?}}

After talking to a whore friend about today's prompt, I instantly thought of writing about letting go of my [former] best friend or letting go of a damaged relationship that I held onto for so long, but I realize that would be too easy because I've already blogged about that stuff.  You - and I - already know about that stuff.  

Letting go, of anything, is always the hardest part.  Because we don't realize just how difficult the process is until we're right in the thick of it.  But letting go is important in discovering what's important, who our true friends are, what we really deserve in a relationship, and how far we've come over the years.  If we held onto everything, we wouldn't get anywhere, right?

This year, I made a commitment to myself, to work through and let go of the raw, heart-wrenching pain of losing my parents.  Because at age 12 I didn't understand what losing a father really meant.  And at age 20, I was too busy trying to finish school to grieve properly for my mother.  This year was by far the hardest with Mother's Day, Father's Day, and the holidays.  While I believe that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that everything hurts for a reason.  The pain we feel is caused by someone or something.  The pain I felt earlier this year was by far the worst since losing both of my parents.

Letting go wasn't easy, and I'm still not completely 'there' yet.  I know I won't be 'there' for a very long time, if ever, but it took lots of tears, lots of reflection, lots of acceptance and lots of honesty for me to get to where I am today - and where I hope to be in the future.  It took spending most nights crying myself to sleep just so I could feel something other than numbness.  It took sitting in my room alone, consumed by sadness, just so I could acknowledge the pain.  

I've made some incredible strides in letting go of this pain.  I can finally tell a story about my parents and not well up.  I can finally talk about my father's suicide [somewhat] openly and not break down in tears.  It's not easy, but it's progress.  Big, big progress.  Monumental steps in letting go of all the raw, heart-wrenching pain I felt for the last seven years. 

Because once you hit rock bottom, there's only one way up.  And I know I'll get there.  Some day.

* title of this post can be heard in Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse

We get to define happiness in our own words.

"And what happens afterward?" I asked him.

"We go back to doing what we did, so nothing happens." he replied.

It's easy to spot the seasons changing.  The sun sets earlier.  The leaves change colors.  The air becomes crisper.  Fall is right around the corner.  

For a while, I thought everyone around me was changing, and I was standing still.  Family moved away.  Friends got married.  New jobs.  New cities.  New relationships.  Yet, there I was, day after day, month after month, stuck in the cement, looking up at the world.  Wanting new changes.  Looking for new experiences.  Craving new memories.  I kept looking elsewhere, when I should have been looking at myself.

It's not necessarily that everyone else has changed; it's that I have changed.

New jobs.  New houses.  New friends.  So much of my life has changed and I didn't even realize it.  Until now.

"Are you happy?  Right now, with your life?"

"Yep."

"So am I.  For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy."

I can't remember the last time I said those words.  I'm happy.  I envied chick flicks and their "happier ever after's."  I wanted that Carrie Bradshaw ending, with the gorgeous apartment in New York City that she would share with her gorgeous man-friend.  I thought happiness was determined by a relationship, or a job or a stable lifestyle.  Happiness is determined by me.  And you.  We get to define happiness on our own terms, in our own words, with our own decisions.  We get to make the rules, eliminate the toxic stuff and keep the things [and people] that bring us joy.  

Back in February, I was sinking.  I felt like I was being pulled into a spiral of depression and I was afraid I wouldn't make it out alive.  I made the decision to seek professional help, despite what I believed.  Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  This time it wasn't about what I believed in, it was about doing what's best for myself.  

Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  Working through my damaged and broken past in order to get to my bright and promising future.  Forgiving myself for what really happened with my mother.  Accepting what happened with my father.  Knowing that while these life experiences are traumatic, they don't define me.  Allowing myself to cry, grieve, and be emotional when I need to because it's just part of being human.

I could have thrown it all away, right then and there in that conversation, for 20 5 minutes of passion with a boy who had become a big part of my life once.  The 23-year-old-me would have done it.  Forget about the after effects, the emotional pain and the damaging actions, I would have told myself, just enjoy it while it's available.  Of course back then I was so naive to think that someone could actually change their life for me.  The 27-year-old-me knows better.  Much better.  Those 5 minutes of passion aren't worth the hours, days, and months of emotional pain that follow.  I deserve better than that.  I'm worth so much more.

Looking back on all of it now, I realize I'm the one who's been changing.  Changing my wardrobe.  Changing my attitude.  Changing my habits.  Changing my underwear.  Changing my life so I can live it on my own terms.  Knowing what I'm worth and demanding it.  Not settling for something just because it's a convenience or makes me feel comfortable.  And it's one of the best feelings in the world.

"...take a look at yourself and make a change."

it's about accepting and owning the many pieces of your life

(via)

I sat there, talking about Elizabeth Gilbert, Jennifer Lancaster, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs.  

"I just can't find my voice." I said, "all of those authors talk about the detailed intimacies of their lives like it's no big deal."

"And why do you think that is?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a second.  "I don't know."

"What do all of those writers have in common?" she asked.  

The questions were getting a little annoying, but I know she was trying to get me to see the bigger picture.

"Me.  Because I read their books."  I smiled.  As she let out a laugh, I knew that probably wasn't the answer she was looking for.  

And then it hit me.  

It's about owning and accepting your life.  

...Accepting your past in order to get to your brighter future...

...Owning the mistakes you've made, the lessons you've learned and the experiences you've witnessed first-hand when you tell your story...

I've never been good with the whole acceptance thing.  Unless it's money or alcohol related.

Why yes, I will graciously accept that crisp $100 bill that I see poking out of your zipper wallet so you can buy me a drink.

See?  Easy acceptance.  

But accepting the dark and scary stuff?  It's too hard.  

TWSS.

As much as people tell me how brave and strong of a woman I am, I am embarrassed about my past.  The reality is, people look at me differently - whether in a good way or a bad way - and I hate that.  I hate being that girl with a broken past.  I know it's something I should be proud of, but I can't get myself to that point yet.  I can't accept how my life has turned out.  Which leads to the failure of owning it.  Which also leads to the failure of completing my memoir.

I've been working on my memoir a lot lately and I realized that I can't find my "voice" until I own my past.  David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs are such great writers and they write about the intimate details of their life because they have accepted and owned up to it.   

I want to get there, I just don't know how.

Where's "there?"

You know, there.  That point in life where you are completely comfortable.  You don't cringe when you have to recapture those tragic moments of your life.  You don't feel embarrassed when the only reply you get is, "I'm sorry." or "That sucks."  You don't feel judged or criticized.  You just feel... you.

I know getting there is a long, slow process.  It takes understanding and accepting the smaller things (like accepting the act of suicide before volunteering with suicide prevention) to accept the bigger things.  It's difficult to accept certain things in life that you feel you could have changed.  Or even prevented.  At 12 years old, I feel like I could have done or said something to change my father's decision.  I felt like I should have done something, even though none of us had any idea something was wrong with him.

Acceptance and ownership could be the missing pieces of my happiness, but at least I know I'm on the right track of getting there.  And one day, I'll be able to own my story.  And my memoir.

on expectations, happiness, change, and my 30-day commitment

"We are who we are.  People don't change."

- Great Expectations -

You can spend your entire life growing up with someone - watching them experience some of life's biggest moments - but it can take just one simple moment to question who they really are.  And it's in that simple moment that makes you wonder how well you really know them.

It's not about changing someone, it's about changing your expectations of them.  It's about shifting your focus on someone else when that person can't meet your needs.  And just because a person can't meet your needs, doesn't mean they don't care.  Maybe they just haven't grown as much as you have, and that's okay.  It's about paying attention to who a person really is and accepting them, because like you, they have flaws too.

I'll admit; I tend to hold high expectations of [some of] my friends.  Maybe because I have high expectations of myself.  I believe that people should always have integrity and strive to do their best.  The problem is, more often than not, certain friends are unable to meet my expectations.  And then that leads to, well if they can't meet my expectations, then maybe they aren't a good friend after all.  Just because someone can't meet my expectations, doesn't mean they aren't a good friend.  

Case in point:

Certain holidays are always hard for me - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  And my birthday.  (yes, that's a holiday.  September 3rd.  Write that down, bitches.  Send me vibrators and lube presents.).  My best friend, who has literally been with me through nearly every tragic event in my life, never bothered to pick up the phone and call or text me on Mother's Day.  I expected her to at least send me a text letting me know she was thinking of me because she knows my situation and I thought she knew how hard Mother's Day always is for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was upset because her action (or non-action?) showed me that she didn't care.

The thing is, it's been seven years and not once has she ever reached out on Mother's Day.  Why am I still holding onto that thin shred of hope?  Because I want to believe that she'll change.  I want to believe that she isn't the self-absorbed person she now is, and will continue to be.

I realize now, almost a week after Mother's Day and feeling angry and frustrated about this, that I can't change my best friend.  All I can do is change my expectations and shift my focus to other friends who can meet those needs.  It doesn't mean she won't continue to be my best friend, it just means that she doesn't have the capacity, as a person, to be the friend that I need on those certain days.  Some people just aren't made for those kind of things.  Eventually, you have to let go of that tiny shred of hope and accept that person for the things they cannot do.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  They just haven't grown as much as you have.

Lately I have been in kind of a rut.  It's been an emotional roller coaster seeing a therapist to sort out the emotional issues I have with grieving for my parents, the struggle I'm having with my best friend, and the recent situation that I had to experience at work.  I'm so glad I'm doing this, but frankly I've never been good with emotions (who do I sound like? *cough* this girl *cough*), so having these feelings rush out of me all at once is very overwhelming.  I'm doing this because I know I need a change in my life.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty and regretful about my past. 

I'm ready to let go of my past, embrace my present and smile about my future.  I'm ready to find my happiness.

Enter, Stratejoy and this:

I missed the first opportunity to do this because I had way too much going on at the time.  Well, I still have way too much going on now, but as Dave Matthews says:  

"no day but today."  

This my commitment.  Every day.  For thirty days.  No excuses.  I'm muff diving in and putting everything I have into it.  Because as Molly says, you only get out of it, what you put in.

For all you female quarter-life crisis'ers (sorry guys, ladies only!), I encourage you to do this.  I can't promise you it's going to work for you, but I know a few people who have completed this and said it's changed their lives.  And the best part?  Pay what you can.  Don't feel guilty for donating just $10 when this usually costs $149.  It's all about you.  Take that $10 (or however much you want) and donate it, but make sure you put everything you have into this project. 

Maybe you can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself.  

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy."
- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann -

the four agreements

The Four Agreements:

Be impeccable with your word.

Don't take anything personally.

Don't make assumptions.

Always do your best.

The Four Agreements is based on Toltec wisdom and the ancient spiritual knowledge passed down through the cultural "masters" they call naguals.  The book is about grabbing a hold of your personal freedom that was always yours and using it to master your life and not allow others to master you.  By adhering to the "Four Agreements," you will find security within yourself and a better perception of the world around you.

When I first looked at this book, I doubted it.  And I may have judged it by its cover.  Yes, I do that.  Sometimes.  I also buy bottles of wine based on their labels.  Don't judge me.

After looking at it again, I decided to give it a chance.  Because we all deserve a chance.  The book blew me (TWSS) away.  

Seven years of hidden sadness, anger and grief has led me to inadvertently shut the door on certain things in my life.  Things that I may have once found happiness in, I had no longer felt happy about; things that I once thought were beautiful, were no more.  It was like someone stole a big part of myself, and rather than trying to get that part of myself back, I just let it died. Now I realize that this whole therapy thing is about getting that part of my life back, grieving for my parents, letting go of my past and being able to find that happiness and beauty I once possessed.

Be impeccable with your word.

Of the four agreements, this the most important one, yet also the hardest to follow.  What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?  It means expressing yourself in the direction of truth and love.  Speak with integrity.  Be aware of what you say and how you express yourself because it impacts you and others greatly. 

As we go through life, we are constantly influenced by people's words.  If the boys in fifth grade told you you were ugly, then you probably believed it.  Or maybe a teacher made you feel stupid and you decided that was true.  There are thousands of these instances where someone has not been impeccable with their word and we bought what they were selling.  We made agreements that they things they told us were true.

Think of how often you use your word to complain or express envy.  The idea is that every time we do that, we spreading poison into the world, and most importantly, we are poisoning ourselves.

So how does one actually be impeccable with their word?  Think before you speak and speak with integrity.  How many times have your words gotten you into trouble?

"You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love.  How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.  When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good, you feel happy and at peace.”

 Easier said than done, I know, but there's no time [for change] like the present.  But being impeccable with your word isn't just about speaking the truth, it's also about not always needing to speak.  Sometimes silence is golden.  A major step in learning the first Agreement is to also understand the second one:

Don't take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dream.  It's hard (TWSS) to not take everything personally.  Especially when someone's comment hits you so hard (TWSS), it's like a dagger stabbing you in the heart.  Trust me, I know.  I'm a very self-conscious person and have been known to take a lot of hits, comments and opinions personally.  

One thing I learned from reading this book is that every single person is living in their own little world or dream.  No two people are living the same world or dream.  Even married couples are living in different dreams.  When we take something personally, we make the assumption that the other person knows what is in our world or dream.  Even when a situation hits you so personally, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.  Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think really is about you, it's about them.  It's them being selfish and wanting to poison your own world.  It's about that person not being impeccable with their word. 

Don't make assumptions.

"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama."

It sounds so simple, right?  If only it were that easy.

Truth is, we make assumptions all the time.  We assume that we know how someone is going to react to to us.  We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful.  We make assumptions because we're afraid to ask questions.  How helpful would it be if we could directly communicate with someone and ask them questions when we don't understand what they are saying to us?

One of the biggest assumptions we make is that everyone sees the world the same way we do.  This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  We think everyone will judge us, criticize us, victimize us, and blame us, just as we do ourselves.  Before others have a chance to reject us, we've already rejected ourselves.  

So how do you overcome this?  

Ask questions.  Communicate clearly and effectively.  Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable.

Always do your best.

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

There's a difference between doing your best and being a perfectionist.  See, I'm a perfectionist.  I hate messes (contrary to how my bedroom looks at times).  I tackle a project and end up spending more time than necessary on it because in my head, it needs to be [and look] perfect.  And half way through, if it doesn't start looking perfect, I start all over again.  Maybe that's why I only blog like once a week - because I spend so much time writing that "perfect post."

I know that perfection doesn't really exist, but in my head it does.  Lately I've been trying to let go of "perfection" and accept the idea of "doing the best."  It's been hard (TWSS) to adjust to this because it means allowing a project to look or feel imperfect, however it feels more rewarding when I put my best effort into something.  

Actions speak louder than words.  We've all heard that before.  Always doing your best means putting your words into action.  Want to find a better job?  Do it.  Want to lose 15 pounds?  DO IT!  Too many of us sit behind our desks or computers because we are afraid of taking that extra step.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Do it.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love your life.  It's yours and you have only this one chance.  Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.  Feel, do, and say whatever you want.  Live with a purpose. 

"When you let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment."

 - The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz -

trust and hope

(via)

Trust.

A simple word with substantial meaning. 

For years, I've struggled with it. Even now, I still do.

I trusted my college boyfriend when he said he loved me and he cared about me, but then he cheated on me.  Twice.  With two different girls.  Then I trusted that he would protect me - like any boyfriend would protect his girlfriend - but he physically abused me.  So, I left him.

I've never been in a healthy relationship.  I'm sure it's odd since I've had three serious relationships and I've dated a handful of guys - but I can't say that of those three, any of them were healthy.  I just don't know what a healthy relationship is.  Maybe that's why I question whether true love really exists.

I trusted my best friend of 14 years to be my best friend and love and support me, even during my darkest days.  14 years of a friendship and I can't even trust her to listen to me when I need her to.  I can't trust her with much of my life anymore.  So I've stopped depending on her and sharing certain parts of my life with her.

Friendships are a two-way street.  You have to put into it just as much as the other person does, in order for it to last.  For the last decade or so, I've been putting everything I have into that friendship and getting very little in return.  Some people just don't know how to be concerned with anything except themselves.  It's taken me 14 years to realize just how self absorbed and self-centered my "best friend" really is.  And I realize, perhaps a little too late, that some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

I trusted myself to make the right decisions that would lead me to a successful career and happiness.  Most days I feel like I'm failing at everything.

Life isn't ever what you dreamed it would be.  You have to work hard at everything - friendships, relationships, jobs, sports, dieting, exercising - everything.  My biggest flaw is being too hard on myself.  With everything I do.  I can't help it.  I want perfection.  I know it doesn't exist, but a girl can still hope.  Hope [and faith] is what gets me through each and every day.  

I want to be more trusting, but I am afraid of becoming too vulnerable.  I keep [most] people at a distance because I don't appear vulnerable to them.  When you're vulnerable, they can take advantage.  I want to seem strong, independent and determined.

I started seeing a therapist (one that I actually like) because I need to put myself back together again.  I need to feel whole and complete.  I tend to lose track of myself because I get so concerned with others.  I hide my emotions because I don't want to appear vulnerable and weak to others.  I don't discuss the intricate details of my life openly because I'm afraid of the judgment, criticism and sympathy that someone will give me.  Even though I seem strong, independent, determined and focused, I'm also emotional and vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it's all about me.

I need to be more trusting [in others] and more believing [in myself].  I need to let go of that which I cannot control and let others lead their own path.  I need to be more accepting of myself and believe that I really will conquer this world one day.  But most importantly, I need to continue to have hope and faith, each and every day.

Sometimes hope is all we have left in this world to keep on living.

(via)

I deserve to be happy after what I have lived through

 "Completion comes from not adding another piece onto ourselves, but from surrendering our ideas of perfection."

- Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, Mark Epstein -

The most challenging thing about therapy is breaking down the walls, uncovering your soul and exposing yourself (metaphorically speaking) to a stranger.  You have to be able to trust that they can help you figure out how to grieve with your past and move on to your future.  You have to be patient, willing, and open to new ideas, new thought-processes and accept the fact that their job is to help you fix yourself.  And find yourself.

From relationships to friendships to family to work - I uncovered my heart and soul to this woman.  I had to if I ever have a shot at recovering from what I have been through.  I told her things I haven't even told some of my closest friends.  I told her how broken and damaged I am - mentally - because I never had the chance to grieve for my parents or cope with my cancer.  I felt downright exhausted after my first session.

Over the weekend, I told someone that I had just started seeing a therapist, and he did the one thing I feared most.

He laughed.

He found it comical that I need to see a therapist because I witnessed my father hanging from the pipes in my basement with a rope tied around his neck when I was 12 years old; Or that for nearly one year of my two year battle with cervical cancer I was facing death in the eyes and fighting for my life.

Nothing about this is funny. 

I have experienced more in my twenty six years of life, than most people ever will in their lifetime.  I have been through hell and back and I'm still [somehow] standing on my two feet. 

I'm stronger than you'll ever be, I thought to myself.  It's not easy to ask for professional help. But it makes it much more difficult when I have people - so-called "friends" - in my life who are being unsupportive of my decisions and laughing at this.

My life isn't perfect.  And I have done some things in my past that have led to my damaged and broken life - but I know that I need help; I know that I need to talk to someone, to get this all out of my system in order to move on and be happy.

Seven years of unresolved grief, sadness, depression and loneliness.

I deserve to be happy after what I have lived through.

And I refuse to let anyone take that away from me.  Not now, not ever.

it's time to fix what's broken

I believe in fixing your my own problems.

Like how I bought wall shelves from Tar-jhay two weeks ago for my sex dungeon bedroom and I wanted to hang them myself, so I screwed holes into my walls without measuring the shelves to find out just how far apart the screws had to go and I ended up with one five too many holes in my walls but I fixed it because I'm awesome and you can't even tell that I totally failed at hanging those shelves.

Or that time I boarded the wrong plane because I was late to the airport  severely intoxicated (thank you, Mr. Lawyer for buying me shots of whiskey that night) and I ended up in Jacksonville instead of Pittsburgh because yes, I BOARDED THE WRONG PLANE and I'm apparently an idiot when I'm drunk, so I fixed the problem by catching a red-eye flight home. (make note of this if you ever have to travel with me and I decide we pre-game at the airport)

OK fine, that's not really a fix to my problem, but whatever.  I still made it home and it still makes an awesome story to tell.  You're welcome.

My point is, I'm a do-er, not a watcher. (TWSS? No?)  I like to do men  midgets  things, not watch someone else do them for me.  This is a result of my fierce independence for the last seven years.  I don't like feeling helpless, and I often feel that way when I can't do something myself or I need someone else to do something for me. 

I have been fighting a lot of internal demons lately, like my depression and loneliness.  I finally reached that point where I could admit to myself that I was depressed and lonely without feeling bad or suicidal.  No, I'm not suicidal.  (I can only imagine how many people are going to come across my blog when they search for 'suicide' or 'suicidal' on Google now)

Last night I kind of had my breaking point with all of it.  I've been trying to fight my demons myself and figure out how to cure my own depression and loneliness.  Truth is, I can't do it and it's taken me seven years to finally admit to myself that I need help.

My first and only experience with a therapist was about seven years ago.  My mother kind of forced me to see one because her and I were having a bad relationship and I was also battling a mentally abusive [which later became physically abusive] relationship and she insisted that I talk to someone.  I've asked my friends who have experienced the whole therapy-thing if it's really worked.  They've all said the same thing: the key to good therapy is finding the right therapist. 

I'm not the kind of person who talks openly about my life because I'm afraid of being judged or criticized for some of the things I have experienced or endured in my past or the mistakes I've made that have left me damaged and broken. 

I stopped seeing my therapist because I felt like it wasn't helping; she wasn't helping me solve my problems or find out why I was battling depression.  Looking back, I now realize that the reason therapy didn't work for me was because I didn't like my therapist.

For the last few months, I've juggled back and forth about seeing a therapist again.  In the back of my head, I keep thinking that seeing a therapist won't help me find answers.  What do they know about my life?!  But realistically, I need someone to talk to - a professional - who can help me sort through all of the internal things I am going through.

I'm damaged and broken and I need someone to fix me.

I finally made the commitment to see a therapist.  I have two consultation appointments with two different therapists (because I whole-heartedly believe that if counseling is going to work for me, I need to find the right therapist).  Of course no one told me that mental health costs so much!  Goodbye, $145 that I will never see again!

But in the end, it's not about the money.  It's about working through my demons and finding myself again.  It's about re-telling all of my damaging stories and experiences so that I can fix what's broken.

I just hope this works.

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar.  It follows us home, it changes our lives; trauma messes everyone up, but maybe that's the point.  All the pain and the fear and the crap.  Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward; it's what pushes us.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

- Grey's Anatomy -