27

Hello there, 27.

I don't like odd numbers.  Even worse when it's an odd-numbered birthday.  Odd numbers are just bad luck for me.  But I'm anxious to see what 27 has in store for me.  26 was a pretty good year of reflection, self-loving, and learning. 

This year, I've learned...

...Canadians aren't afraid to reveal it all in front of everyone.

...to embrace my fears. 

...that I'm fiercely independent, which is a really good thing or a really bad thing.

...people don't change. 

...that bad sex is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship. 

...second chances shouldn't be taken for granted.  They don't call it a second chance for nothing. 

...that sometimes people fall harder for you, than you do for them.  

...a dog really is your best friend.  And losing your best friend is always painful. 

...every once in a while, you need to do some soul searching.  Find out what truly matters, what you're really passionate about, and do whatever it takes to get there.

...that I may never discover the true meaning of friendship, but I'm learning what it means to be a good friend and keep those who matter to me a big part of my life.

...that hiding your depression and loneliness will catch up to you.

...to fix what's broken.  Even the strongest of people feel weak and vulnerable.  

...to take responsibility for your actions and the true evil of credit cards.

...it's about building trust with someone and find hope in something. 

...that one day [soon] I will get my memoir finished and PUBLISHED.  Hopefully before I hit 30.

...not everyone will meet your expectations, even those you have known for years.

...it's okay to miss your loved ones even after they've gone for many years. 

...to keep an open heart. 

...I will never ever understand things like suicide or racism. 

...I don't like the term "best friend."  It's a title someone has to earn.  And even when you earn it, it can quickly be taken away from you.

...first dates are everything.  


I'm determined to make 27 my best year yet.  Here's to even more soul searching, loving, and learning.  

Another year older, another year wiser...

What have YOU learned lately? 

"nothing in this life that's worth having, comes easy"

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

- Unknown-

I know perfection doesn't exist, but I still strive to be perfect or live up to someone's expectations every day.  While no person is indeed perfect, society expects us to live like we are.  We are not supposed to break the law or break hearts or have bad credit.

When we apply for college, we are supposed to excel on the SAT's and write a flawless essay to go with our application so we can get accepted by a Top 25 University.  When we graduate, we are supposed to have a 4.0.  When we apply for a loan, we are supposed to have flawless credit and have a history of on-time payments.  When we find someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, we are supposed to love them unconditionally.  When we apply for a job, employers look at academic credentials more than life experiences.

We are supposed to live an extraordinary, flawless, impeccable, perfect life where everything comes easy and we don't make mistakes.

Colleges and Universities are making entrance admissions even harder to pass.  Lenders are making it even more difficult to qualify for any kind of loan.  Employers are tightening their minimum job requirements, making it even difficult for entry level or under-educated people to apply.  

Everything is getting harder to accept, to pass, or to qualify for, it seems like.  Even people who search for partners online through Match.com that immediately write off a person by the color of their skin, or the fact that they're overweight or they just don't have those attractive physical characteristics.  

Why is it so hard to become accepted in today's society, by any standard?  What happened to those days where it was easy to get a loan or get admitted into college or graduate school or find your soul mate on the internet?

Times have changed.  The economy is still struggling and people are still getting laid off left and right.  People are having a tougher time qualifying for anything or being accepted for something.  I get it.  But a mistake that was made several years ago - which turned into a lesson learned - that now prevents you from being accepted today, is more than disheartening. 

In a world where we're "all created equal," so many details set us apart. 

on learning the meaning of true friendship

"You can't have friends until you learn how to be one."

We're all in search of something - a job, a school, a relationship, happiness - we spend so much of our lives searching for it, that we end up missing those moments that truly count; the ones that inevitably touch our lives forever.

Over the last five years, I have really spent time searching for the true meaning of friendship - ways to maintain friendships, strengthen friendships and let go of them - after five years of searching, I have learned that you only get out of it, what you put into it.

Discovering the true meaning of friendship is a tough lesson to learn.  Like anything else in your life, you have to make time and put effort into it.  You have to understand the boundaries of each friendship and learn to accept someone for who they are.  You have to learn that you can't make every single person in your life completely happy; you have to compromise, make sacrifices and put yourself out there.  You have to figure out who is worth your time and who isn't; you have to determine which friends to hold onto and which ones to let go.  But most importantly, you need to realize that friendships need to be reciprocated in order to endure and that after a while, certain friendships just aren't worth salvaging.

After all these years, I thought I figured it all out; I thought I understood what friendship really meant and how to keep even the farthest people close in my life.  Truth is, I'm still searching; I'm still learning to hold on... and let others go.

See, that's the thing about life - just when you think you figured it all out, it knocks you on your feet. 

the wounds will heal, but the scars will remain forever

{via}

Time heals all wounds, but scars leave a permanent mark.  On your skin.  On your soul.  On your ego.  On your heart.  And sometimes the wounds that take the longest to heal are the ones that have penetrated the deepest part of your soul. 

I used to believe in second chances.  To make amends.  Show growth.  Believe that the other person has the capacity to change their ways.  I give someone a second chance because I want to believe that they are a good person and that they do, indeed, have the capacity to change.  The reality is: people don't change - we are who we are. 

Nine times out of 10, I get burned on the second chance.  Betrayal.  Deceit.  Heartache.  The second chance always stings more than the first.  But I choose to get burned because I learn from every opportunity, decision and mistake I make.  I want to believe that there really are good people in this world and I just want someone to be that person.

I thought I would be okay.  I am, for the most part, but I still have that stinging feeling I can't shake.  Feeling taken advantage of.  Feeling vulnerable.  Feeling like a man got the best of me and ran away the first second he could.  Just thinking about it is enough to knock me down on my strongest day.  

If there's one thing I learned from therapy, it's to work through any pain you feel.  Acknowledge it, work through it, and then let it go.  Ignoring or hiding the pain will just make things worse.  Acknowledging the pain is easy; it's working through it that's the tough part.  Realizing that even the smartest man has his flaws.  Understanding that sharing too much too soon is never a good thing.  Knowing that your life was fine before he was a part of it and it will be fine again after you make him leave it.

Sometimes second chances aren't worth it.  Sometimes friendships and dating just don't mix.  Sometimes you really can't be just friends after you've become completely vulnerable to someone.  And sometimes you realize that it's not you, it's him and his flaws.  

"The things we said and did have left permanent scars..."

- Just a Feeling, Maroon 5 -

lesson learned

"People don't change, we are who we are."

When I first read that quote back in high school, after reading Great Expectations, I believed it.  How many times have you tried to change someone into being a person you wish they were? I believed it after learning that you can't change people into being someone they're not.

So then a friend once said to me (years after high school):

"The only constant thing in this world is change."

Things change.  People change.  That left me back at square one, trying to figure out if people really do change.  Needless to say, I'm still trying to figure it out.  After all these years of making friendships and reconnecting, I thought I knew it all; I thought I knew who my real friends were.  The truth?  I don't.  And maybe I never will.

In high school I had one solid group of friends.  We ate lunch together, we played the same sports, we had the same classes - it was easy to have that close-knit group of friends who you knew would always be there for you.

Then I went to college and that close-knit group of friends deteriorated and I made a few new friends.  We had some classes together, we went to parties together, we had lunch dates together.  College was a little harder making friends because I wasn't in a sorority, but I did manage to make a few close friendships.

Then after graduation I moved 300 miles away from home and those college friendships deteriorated.  I made a couple new friends my first year in the big city, but now being here five years, even those friendships have died.  But the friendships I have made?  Well, I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world.

I thought maybe it was me; maybe I'm the one who has problems maintaining friendships. But now I'm starting to learn that it's not so much my failure to maintain friendships as it is discovering a person's true colors and realizing the need to let go.

How many times have we held onto a friendship or a relationship, thinking we could change it, but knowing it is destined to fail?  Letting go is the hardest part.  As much as I want a thousand good friends, I know that a good friend is hard to come by.  Because eventually people reveal their true colors and you see that maybe they weren't the person you once thought they were.  And eventually you reach a point in your life where you have to rid yourself of those who don't matter and make room for those who really do.

No regrets, just a lesson learned.

It's sad when someone you know, becomes someone you knew.

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when the risk is greater than the reward

{via}

They say you should never judge a book by its cover.  I believe that you should never judge a person based on what you see.  You don't know how much adversity a person's had to overcome to get to where they are today.

I believe first impressions mean everything.  If you can't hold a decent conversation or bring some humor or wisdom to the table, chances are I'm not going to want to talk to you again.  I want to learn something from you.  I want to know more about the person you are, the experiences you've lived through and the things that make you wake up every day.

I believe everyone has a story.  Some are glamorous, some are downright dark and scary, and some are inspirational.  But then there are some stories that come out of left field and smack you in the face.

I hate the title "damaged goods."  We throw those words around at people who appear to not have their act together because something, often a damaging experience, is holding them back from experiencing life in the present moment.  What we don't realize is that what we perceive to be "damaged goods" is just something that gives depth to a person's story.  A lesson they've learned.  An experience they've lived through and can tell the story.  Something that gave them enough strength to fight through it and come out on top.  It's the cracks, the chips, and the dents that make us beautiful.

The first impression was a good one.  Conversations flowed, laughter was had, and we just clicked.  I knew I wanted to know this person more.  I wanted to know what his hopes and dreams are, what his fears are, and what makes him wake up in the morning.  I wanted to know his story because I feel like I could truly learn something from him.

As you get to know someone, their personality really shines through.  They begin shedding layers, one by one, and you see them for who they really are.  Beautiful.  Genuine.  Caring.  Compassionate.  Yet, there's always that one layer that takes you by surprise.  It rattles you and makes you stop in your tracks.  It makes you realize that looks really aren't everything.  The person can appear strong and determined on the outside, yet weak and vulnerable on the inside.  Even the most beautiful people have flaws.

The more we talked, the more layers he shed.  His family.  His friends.  His career.  The basic layers you shed when you first meet someone.  And then it became personal.  Stories from his childhood.  Dark secrets.  An experience from his past that he's still working through.  A story that came out from left field and felt like it smacked me blindly in the face.  

I believe that everyone deserves a chance.  At a job.  At a chance to play the game.  At a relationship.  At a friendship.  At life.  We deserve to have a chance to live on our own terms, to make mistakes, to fall in love, to be happy.   

We deserve to take a risk in life, but what if certain risks are greater than the reward?  Do you still take it, knowing what the outcome will be?