a broken heart never completely heals

(via)

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts" 

It feels like a thousand sharp knives stabbing every inch of your body.  It hurts to breathe, to speak, to blink.  It hurts to think about it, but it's all you can think about.  You wonder how someone you loved so much could ever have the ability to hurt you so badly.  You close your eyes and you see your future - with that person - shattered to pieces.  Everything you once believed in now makes no sense.  You wonder what's worth living for any more. 

As the weeks pass by, the pain slowly subsides.  Tears stop streaming down your face.  You begin to feel things other than heartache.  You begin to realize that you do have a future beyond that person.  You realize that your life was good before them, and it will be good again now that they're gone.  So you peel yourself off your couch and you cleanse yourself of any memories of that person.  It's all too painful, you think to yourself.

"You ever love somebody so much, you could barely breathe when you with 'em?"

  

The first year is always the hardest.  The loneliness becomes palpable.  You wonder if you'll ever find happiness.  You wonder if you'll ever fall in love again.  You wonder if you'll ever know what it's like to feel something for someone again.  

As time goes by, the wounds begin to heal.  You cover up the loneliness and the unhappiness with something else, just as you would cover up a blemish.  But just because you cover it up, doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.  And like an open wound, when it heals it leaves a scar.  A broken heart never completely heals;  Something is always left behind - memories, pictures, gifts - that becomes the scar.

Eventually, you get your life back together.  This time, it's all about me! you say to yourself.  You pick up the broken pieces and figure out how to put it all back together.  Because this time it's about new beginnings, feeling happy, and finding someone to fall in love with... again.

You force yourself to cope with the break up and get yourself back out there.  You date a few people, but in the back of your head, you know they don't stack up.  That spark just isn't there.  You start to wonder if you'll ever feel that passion you once felt.  

And as the years pass by, when you finally get your life together and begin to feel happy and feel like you can finally believe in something, it all comes crashing down on you.  That wall you built up so strong, crumbles instantly.  Those feelings you locked up, break out.  Someone who was once your best friend and lover, forces their way back into your life and all you can say is, why now?  

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie"

it never turns out the way I envisioned it would

I always envisioned that important milestone in a relationship when those three words are said:

Let's get naked.


I love you.

Sometimes I dream up scenarios.  Like saying it at a fancy restaurant over a candle-lit dinner.  Or walking through a park on a warm, summer day.  It's something that you want to be able to remember and smile when you think about it.

Of course, I also envision saying those words to someone who I can fall madly in love with and actually mean it.

But if there's one thing I've learned about big moments in my life (and my relationships), it's that it never turns out the way I envisioned it would.

Case in point:

It's Friday night and I'm sitting on my couch watching Role Models.

("You know what I had for breakfast this morning?  Cocaine!  You know what I had for lunch?  Cocaine!")

I'm sexting  texting with Mr. Wolf-man, asking if he shaved his back yet how his work party was going.  He replies with his usual, predictable comments:

"I miss you." 
"You're amazing."
"You're beautiful."

Now, normally a girl would swoon over comments like those.  But considering he says those things to me every five seconds of every day (literally) I pretty much ignore them.

But it gets better.

Then he whips out the big [hairy] guns and says:

"I love you."

Aaaand, vomit.

Not exactly how I pictured hearing those three little words. And instead of getting giddy and butterflies in my stomach, I got nauseous. 

Awesome, right?

So I replied back, by telling him I was taking his friend as my date to a wedding in June.  Probably not the best time to confess that, but I had to change the subject, else I would have puked all over my phone.

I'm pretty sure I crushed his heart when I told him that.

Now I just have to pray that my Canadian Crush doesn't have a hairy back or I may swear off men for the rest of my life the summer.


Am I crazy, or is back hair (a lot, not a little of it) a total deal breaker in a relationship? 

"sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem"

 

{via}

I had two choices - be gentle and sugar coat, or be brutally honest.

"I think you're amazing.  I really enjoy talking to you because it's so easy and so comfortable for me... and I don't usually connect with a guy this well, so soon.  But I felt like you punched me in my ovaries.  It really stung.  And for a while I was mad at you, but now I'm just bitter at the situation and how this played out.  Because you knew from Day One how this would end, and instead of being up front and honest with me, you chose to let things continue.  And now it sucks because I really liked you and now I don't know what to do.  So yes, that makes you a douchebag."

I chose the latter.

Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said that there are no right moments, right guys, or right answers; we just have to say what's in our heart.

I leave for Prague in three months.  I have a check list of things I need to do before I leave, but I also created a list of things I want to do for myself.  I'm closing a big chapter of my life and in order to move forward, I really want to focus on finding personal closure with what I've made for myself in Philadelphia.

While it wasn't my ideal situation to tell him (in my car, after a hockey game), I owed it to myself to explain why I'm bitter.  I needed a sense of closure, and I needed it to be on my own terms.  He's not a bad guy, he's just a bad person [for me] to date.

As much as this dating experience sucked, I don't have any regrets.  I learned that I really do have the ability to feel something for someone after getting my heart shattered.  It's okay to become vulnerable, just don't let a man use that to his advantage.  And most importantly, know what you're worth and don't be afraid to tell him (or her).  

I wasn't sure I would be able to stay friends with him once he returned from Brazil.  I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a guy that I've been involved with.  But I'm leaving in three months, and I don't know what will happen with our friendship while I'm abroad, or when I return, and at the very least, I want to be friendly since we still have to see each other every week.  I want to be able to end things with a man on good terms, because I owe it to myself to at least try. 

 

* title of the post from Misery by Maroon 5

on bad sex

"In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I've been watching episodes of Sex and the City religiously lately.  I own all six seasons (and the movie) but it seems like every time I watch an episode, I get something different out of it.  Also, I find myself watching the show when I, myself, am sorting through a relationship  relationship-ish-type situation, in the hopes that I'll find my answers from the show.

It's hard to know what a good relationship is when you've spent your entire dating career in bad ones.  It also doesn't help when you surround yourself with people who are in bad relationships. 

I have this guy who is falling head over heels in love with me (seriously!) and I can't decide if I want to hug him or punch  hi-five him.  Most of the time I just want to hi-five him, but every now and then he has his shining moments when I want to hug him.  He's an overall good guy (and as they say, nice guys finish last) but I don't know how I feel yet.

One thing I can't get used to is all of the touchy-feely-ness.  It makes me want to gag.  For real.  He feels the need to hug me every. five. seconds. and I just want to throw up  walk away.  Another thing that's difficult to get used to?  All of the "you're so gorgeous/beautiful/awesome/etc." compliments he throws at me.  It's one thing to do it once in a while (which is what I prefer), but it's another thing to do it every. five. minutes.  Now, I'm sure the typical girl loves to be compliments every second of every day, but me?  I'm perfectly fine with getting complimented never once a year.  Seriously.  I am.  And it makes me feel like a guy who feels the need to compliment a woman all the time is insecure with himself. 

Maybe?  Just a little?

Or not.

(that was my attempt at psychology there)

So one thing I'm terrified of is sex. With him. 

There, I said it.

I usually wait five minutes a couple dates before I'll sleep with a guy.  Well, depending on my mood. 

Just kidding.

Or am I?

But this guy?  Well, for whatever reason, I'm terrified of playing slap and tickle  bumpin' uglies  hiding the salami  having sex.  Mostly because I know he's already in love with me (true story) and I know that once the sex has been paid for had, there's nothing else left.  Everything's been laid on the table.  And I guess maybe I'm more afraid of having bad sex with him because if it IS bad, there's no turning back.  I'm totally screwed and he'll want to get married.  Now, of course the sex could be mind blowing  orgasmic really good, but in all seriousness, how many times have you slept with a guy who has been REALLY GOOD IN BED? 

 Me? 

Three.  Three guys out of the 486594 [insert number here] I have been with were really good in bed.  Sure, I've been with guys who have been good in bed, but guys who are really good?  Few and far between.

While sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, it definitely IS important.  At least for me.  I mean, I honestly can't be in a relationship with a guy who is terrible in bed.  It just won't work.  I need to have that physical (and sexual) attraction or the relationship is destined to fail. 

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in this whatever-it-is relationship-type-situation.  I'm trying to compromise (I didn't say it was going well, just the mere fact that I'm trying), but it's hard (that's what she said).  I feel like I'm stuck in my single-gal-ways and I can't get break out of them.  I know I need to open myself up again to the possibility of having a relationship with this guy, but I just can't seem to do it.  Something is holding me back and I just don't know what it is.

Probably the idea of terrible sex.

Or maybe the fact that he's moving to Flo-rida in February and it would mean having to make a long-distance relationship work for at least two years before he would get relocated again.

Nope, it's definitely the bad sex.

FML.

is it ever enough?

{picture taken by yours truly, edited in Picnik}

If love is all we need, then why are we constantly searching for more of something else? 

I find myself always looking for something.  A really good book.  A new pair of jeans.  A new restaurant to try.  A new city to explore.  I want more.  I feel like I'll never be satisfied with what I have, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

I took the last few days off while my cousin was in town.  No work, no nonprofit stuff, no mind-drifting.  I was consumed in wine, cheese, conversations, laughter, taking pictures and walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  We had a Girls Night, toured our Nation's Capital, and shared stimulating conversations with the boy over delicious beers.  As wonderful as the weekend was though, I wasn't completely satisfied.  (TWSS)  Something was missing.  Something just didn't feel right.  I wanted more, but I didn't know what of.

Why is it, when our lives are filled with so many wonderful things - like a good job, great friends, passion, and laughter - are we always looking for something else?  Are we ever satisfied?

on relationship-life and public displays of affection

I am fiercely independent. 

I like shopping by myself because I get in and out faster than when I'm doing it with someone else.  (that's what she said!)

I like watching tv by myself because I only watch specific tv shows and I hate sitting through commercials.

I like doing things myself because I can and because I've been doing things on my own since I was 18.

So how do you break away from the independent-ness of single-hood to the dependent-ness of a relationship?

I haven't been in a real relationship in a few years.  I've dated over the last couple years, but not to anyone I would label as being a "boyfriend."  I've been so used to being on my own and single that I forgot what it's like to be with someone. 

In all honesty, I like not having to check in (or up, or on, or whatever) with someone.  I like not having to worry about certain things.  I like coming home at the end of the night and climbing into my own bed and sleeping diagonally on it because I can and because it's the best way for me to sleep after a long night of sex drinking.

This weekend I got my first real dose of relationship-life.  And frankly, I don't know if I like it or hate it. Although I think it stems more from my mixed feelings for the boy, than it does for my opinion of general relationship-life.  I want that happily ever after ending we all strive for, but I'm just not sure I see it in him. 

But I am known for being way too picky when it comes to dating boys.  And all of the wrong boys seem to invest more in me that I do in me, so be it as it may.

Or may it be what it is.

Or it is what it is?

I digress.

So, I'm not big on PDA.  In fact, it makes me super uncomfortable, especially when I am around my friends.  I don't mind seeing it, I just hate doing it. 

Kissing in public?  I'd rather vomit in public.

Holding hands?  Maybe.  If I like you enough.

Touching me in all kinds of places?  I need to immediately walk away.

Even on New Year's Eve or under mistletoe when society says you're suppose to display those affections.  I'd rather sit in the corner alone.

So this weekend was full of PDA and it totally grossed me out.  Although it wasn't as much the public displays of affection as it was just touching in general.  Sure, I don't mind the occasional back rub and kiss-me-as-you-walk-past, but when we're sitting on the couch and you're touching me constantly and hugging me and kissing me, it makes me want to cringe.  Also, when I'm washing dishes and you sneak up behind me and hug me, you better hope I'm not washing a knife, because I will use it. 

Wait... what?!

I've never really been into the touchy-feely and heavy petting.  Did you know you can get HPV from heavy petting?

Consider that your fact of the day.

You're welcome.

Anyway, I'm trying to warm up to it, but it just isn't working for me.  It makes me feel ridiculously uncomfortable, even if it's just us on the couch watching TV.  And if that's the case, the closest I'll come to touching you is laying on the couch and putting my foot on your crotch across your lap.  But don't stroke my leg.  Just keep your hands to yourself and all will be right with the world.

Or at least in our relationship-life.



this post brought to you by:

when the risk is greater than the reward

{via}

They say you should never judge a book by its cover.  I believe that you should never judge a person based on what you see.  You don't know how much adversity a person's had to overcome to get to where they are today.

I believe first impressions mean everything.  If you can't hold a decent conversation or bring some humor or wisdom to the table, chances are I'm not going to want to talk to you again.  I want to learn something from you.  I want to know more about the person you are, the experiences you've lived through and the things that make you wake up every day.

I believe everyone has a story.  Some are glamorous, some are downright dark and scary, and some are inspirational.  But then there are some stories that come out of left field and smack you in the face.

I hate the title "damaged goods."  We throw those words around at people who appear to not have their act together because something, often a damaging experience, is holding them back from experiencing life in the present moment.  What we don't realize is that what we perceive to be "damaged goods" is just something that gives depth to a person's story.  A lesson they've learned.  An experience they've lived through and can tell the story.  Something that gave them enough strength to fight through it and come out on top.  It's the cracks, the chips, and the dents that make us beautiful.

The first impression was a good one.  Conversations flowed, laughter was had, and we just clicked.  I knew I wanted to know this person more.  I wanted to know what his hopes and dreams are, what his fears are, and what makes him wake up in the morning.  I wanted to know his story because I feel like I could truly learn something from him.

As you get to know someone, their personality really shines through.  They begin shedding layers, one by one, and you see them for who they really are.  Beautiful.  Genuine.  Caring.  Compassionate.  Yet, there's always that one layer that takes you by surprise.  It rattles you and makes you stop in your tracks.  It makes you realize that looks really aren't everything.  The person can appear strong and determined on the outside, yet weak and vulnerable on the inside.  Even the most beautiful people have flaws.

The more we talked, the more layers he shed.  His family.  His friends.  His career.  The basic layers you shed when you first meet someone.  And then it became personal.  Stories from his childhood.  Dark secrets.  An experience from his past that he's still working through.  A story that came out from left field and felt like it smacked me blindly in the face.  

I believe that everyone deserves a chance.  At a job.  At a chance to play the game.  At a relationship.  At a friendship.  At life.  We deserve to have a chance to live on our own terms, to make mistakes, to fall in love, to be happy.   

We deserve to take a risk in life, but what if certain risks are greater than the reward?  Do you still take it, knowing what the outcome will be? 

the zsa-zsa-zsu

{via}

Zsa zsa zsu.  The unforgettable feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone you're attracted to.  It's the fireworks, the sparks, and the tingling in your toes.  It marks our friendships from our romances and our mild flirtations from our flings.

We've all experienced the zsa zsa zsu with someone at some point in our lives.  On a first date over stimulating conversation and a really good bottle of wine, or over cold beers watching a football game.  It's what makes us go back for more conversation, for more beers and for more attention.  To find out how strong those fireworks really are and if that person is worth pursuing long term.  Because we don't feel the zsa zsa zsu with just anyone.

It's been a while since I've felt that zsa zsa zsu with a boy.  Someone who can satisfy my intellectual cravings and physical attraction.  I forgot what it feels to be completely comfortable around someone.  To laugh from your soul.  To smile like you mean it.  To have your world stop - for a split second - because that person got you during the conversation you just had.

When I made the decision to get back in the game, I knew I had to give it everything I had.  I owed it to myself and the other person.  I had to start tearing down the wall, revealing certain parts of my intimate life, and just hope that he wouldn't run away.  Being vulnerable is tough.  It makes me feel weak and exposed, and not in the good way.  The problem with dating is that it's [usually] all a game.  Play hard to get.  Don't make the first move.  Wait until he gives you a sign.  We play off of the other person's reactions, words, feelings, and emotions to decide what to say, do, and feel.  Women typically wait to say "I love you" until the man says it first.  We wait for a man to ask us out on a first date.  Or to lean in for that first kiss.  Or to invite us out to meet his close friends.  We wait so long for people to tell us what to do, say, or feel instead of doing it, saying it or feeling it on our own terms.

"Is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?"

It's a double-edged sword.  We need to feel something in order to believe it's real, but we don't want to feel too much, too soon.  We force ourselves to feel something that's not there, and to force ourselves not to feel something that is there. 

I'm keeping an open mind and an open heart.  Whether this turns into a real relationship or just a close friendship, I'm ready.  No expectations, no definitions.  Just present moment, laughing from the soul and satisfying my cravings. 

getting back in the game

 (via)

Dating in a city populated with millions is tough.  You sift through hundreds and hundreds of people before you find one who's worth your time.  And even when you've found someone, signals get mixed up, texts get deciphered incorrectly, words get misconstrued, and your chance at a relationship slips through the cracks.  We spend our lives searching for that one person, our "soul mate," who compliments us.  Movies and television play out the idea of happily ever after and Prince Charming, and we fall victim to believing in all of it.  It's what keeps us going back for more.  After a bad breakup, we jump back into the dating pool because we believe that our soul mate is really out there.  Because we all need to believe in something.

When I moved to this big city, I went out nearly every night, met tons of guys and played the field more than I probably should have.  And then shortly after living here, I was hit with cervical cancer.  If that wasn't a sign, then I don't know what was.  After battling something like cancer, it changes everything - relationships, friendships, sex, life.

After conquering several [personal and relationship] demons over the last five years, I decided to get back into the [dating] game.  I was never against being in a relationship, but I just couldn't find the right guy.  Hairy back.  Bad kisser.  Small package.  You name it, they had it.  I never have any problem getting guys to like me, I just have problems finding the right guy to like.  Am I too picky?  Maybe.  But shouldn't I be?  I've played the field enough now to know what qualities I like (and don't like) and what kind of man I'm looking for.  Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.

When you've survived something like cervical cancer, which carries a huge stigma and affects a woman's sex drive, reproductive system, and "kibbles and bits," it's tough to find someone who will date you.  As if my life isn't already messed up enough, now I sound like a charity case.  Because any guy who passes the first few dates assumes he's going to find his way into your bed.  And we all know where that leads to.  Except, that's not really where I want it to lead to because I'm afraid of revealing my dark and scary past to him, knowing he's going to run away the instant I open my mouth.  Because the typical response when I tell a man I had cervical cancer is:

::crickets::

And that?  SUCKS.  To actually believe that I'm not worthy enough to date.  That I'm not able to compliment someone or be complimented.  To have a guy show me - through his actions - that I'm not good enough makes me believe that maybe I'll never be good enough because of all of the shit that I've lived through.  But conquering cervical cancer has become a big part of my life now.  So much that I've made advocating for it my career.  It's what I'm living for now.  But I can't get past that fear of rejection.  Because no one likes to be rejected.  When do you open those can of worms?  When do you expose yourself and allow yourself to become vulnerable to a man without fearing he'll turn his back and walk away?

So, there's this guy.  I see him a few nights a week since we play hockey together.  He's got a ripped body (need I say more?) and a good personality.  He's already made a couple Asian jokes at me (which in turn, led me to make a couple Jewish jokes at him), so clearly there's some kind of compatibility there.  It's easy to laugh and make jokes, but we have yet to have those deep, intellectual conversations that he tells me he prefers to have (because really, when is there time to have deep, meaningful, intellectual conversations on the hockey rink?!).  Right now, it's good.  But I fear having that conversation with him, should it ever transpire into anything real, because he could be another one who runs away.  And after a while, you get tired of being the one who's left behind.  You just want to find someone who will stand still with you.

 "I've done the merry-go-round.  I've been through the revolving door.  I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and ... don't you wanna stand still with me?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, to Mr. Big -

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

It’s interesting to learn what life has in store for you.  A decision that seems so easy can often change the course of your life.  And the hardest decision you have to make may not change anything at all.

I kind of dated a friend from college two years ago.  I say “kinda” because we never carried the official titles and it was a long distance thing so I wanted to take it slow.  But he came out here to visit me and I would go home to visit him once or twice a month.  During that period, he had become one of my closest guy friends.  I had this great guy who I kind of dated and who was like a best friend to me.  Perfect, right?

Well it was more complicated than that.  At the time I couldn’t bare to do a long distance relationship.  I didn’t like the thought of being a plane ride away from a significant other.  I didn’t like the idea of not being able to see him whenever I wanted.  It wasn’t my idea of a great relationship.  But nonetheless, we kind of made it work.  And during this time I was still trying to figure out how I felt for this guy.  I mean, I liked him.  I liked spending time with him.  We always got along so well and could goof around and joke around with each other and not care.  We never got into any arguments.  By definition, it was a sign of it potentially being a great relationship.  But I still wasn’t sure.

He came out to visit me New Years 2007 with one of his friends and my BFF came out that weekend also.  We had a great time.  But it quickly ended and before I knew it I was saying goodbye as he was catching a flight back home.  Shortly after he got back home he and I had discussed our little situation in more detail.  I told him that I couldn’t do a long distance relationship … and he had a great job back home that he didn’t have any intention of leaving.  We both pursued the idea of moving to Washington, DC together (this was when I was so determined to move down there).  It was a compromise we could both live with.  He had even applied for teaching positions down in Virginia and received an offer at one.  And while I had interviewed at firms down there, I didn’t have anything solid and wasn’t sure I wanted to move without having a job secured.  And that idea eventually faded away.

And then through some of his friends he ended up meeting another girl.  He quickly became interested in her, but didn’t want to write me off so fast if there was any chance at a future together.  I told him that I wasn’t completely sure and that I didn’t want to hold him back from anything.  At this point I think my feelings for him were just now starting to become real, but I wasn’t sure how fast (or slow) it would take for them to develop into something deeper and I am not the kind of person who would want someone to put their life on hold for me, so I told him to pursue the other girl if he is really interested.

And so he did.  And things were going great.  Better than he had ever imagined.  But while his relationship with the other girl was going great, our friendship was dissolving.  We went from talking every day to once a day to once a week to once a month to a friendly holiday text (you know, the “merry christmas” ones you send the people in your phone that you claim are your friends but you never see them or call them).  And now I can’t tell you the last time I talked to him.  Months.  Many, many months.

I logged onto my computer last night to check some emails, my blog and facebook.  I noticed that he had changed his relationship status on facebook.  So of course I needed to check it out.  I’m sure if I tell you that last night was Valentine’s Day (aka what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year), I’m sure you can figure out what his status changed to.  Yes, it went from “in a relationship” to “engaged.”  Truth?  I was happy, but my heart sunk a little.

The girl that I pushed him to is the very girl he proposed to last night.  I haven’t dug up the courage to congratulate him yet.  I think because I’m still trying to dig through my feelings about that.  I’m happy for the guy – don’t get me wrong – but a tiny little part of me is jealous.  While another part of me is wondering if I let another great guy slip through my hands.  Had I decided to start a relationship with him, would that have been me he would have proposed to last night?  I can’t help but sit here and wonder.

We spend our lives searching for the one. But how many times have we rejected perfectly great guys (or gals) because we didn’t know any better, because we were afraid of settling for “right now” instead of taking a chance?  I can’t help but feel like I missed out on what could have been something amazing because I was too scared … or because I was too naive … or because I was waiting for something better to come along, when in fact that something better was staring me straight in the face.
A decision that was so small, changed both of our lives.

Two roads diverged into the woods, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.