a broken heart never completely heals

(via)

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts" 

It feels like a thousand sharp knives stabbing every inch of your body.  It hurts to breathe, to speak, to blink.  It hurts to think about it, but it's all you can think about.  You wonder how someone you loved so much could ever have the ability to hurt you so badly.  You close your eyes and you see your future - with that person - shattered to pieces.  Everything you once believed in now makes no sense.  You wonder what's worth living for any more. 

As the weeks pass by, the pain slowly subsides.  Tears stop streaming down your face.  You begin to feel things other than heartache.  You begin to realize that you do have a future beyond that person.  You realize that your life was good before them, and it will be good again now that they're gone.  So you peel yourself off your couch and you cleanse yourself of any memories of that person.  It's all too painful, you think to yourself.

"You ever love somebody so much, you could barely breathe when you with 'em?"

  

The first year is always the hardest.  The loneliness becomes palpable.  You wonder if you'll ever find happiness.  You wonder if you'll ever fall in love again.  You wonder if you'll ever know what it's like to feel something for someone again.  

As time goes by, the wounds begin to heal.  You cover up the loneliness and the unhappiness with something else, just as you would cover up a blemish.  But just because you cover it up, doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.  And like an open wound, when it heals it leaves a scar.  A broken heart never completely heals;  Something is always left behind - memories, pictures, gifts - that becomes the scar.

Eventually, you get your life back together.  This time, it's all about me! you say to yourself.  You pick up the broken pieces and figure out how to put it all back together.  Because this time it's about new beginnings, feeling happy, and finding someone to fall in love with... again.

You force yourself to cope with the break up and get yourself back out there.  You date a few people, but in the back of your head, you know they don't stack up.  That spark just isn't there.  You start to wonder if you'll ever feel that passion you once felt.  

And as the years pass by, when you finally get your life together and begin to feel happy and feel like you can finally believe in something, it all comes crashing down on you.  That wall you built up so strong, crumbles instantly.  Those feelings you locked up, break out.  Someone who was once your best friend and lover, forces their way back into your life and all you can say is, why now?  

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie"

on concerts

The very first concert I ever attended was in high school to see Everclear.  To be honest, I didn't really listen to Everclear much, but the tickets were cheap and I figured, hey, what not, right?  Trojan was a sponsor for the concert so of course they were giving out free blow jobs  free samples. 

The opening act was Black Eyed Peas.  Yes, that's right, I saw Black Eyed Peas live in concert.  Of course, no one knew who the hell they were at this time because this was during their pre-Fergie and pop music era.  Everclear finally took the stage and the crowd (as usual) goes wild.  My friends and I attempted to push and squeeze our way to the front of the crowds.  There was a huge railing separating the crowd from the stage and security was all over the place.  About halfway through the show, they decided to bring some people on stage with them.  My one friend and I were chosen to go on stage with them and I am pretty sure at that point I was shrieking like a 4 year old.  We got to dance on stage with Everclear.  It was unbelievably awesome.  And I may or may not have given a blow job  stolen one of Art Alexakis's (lead guitarist and singer) guitar pics as I was leaving the stage. 

So the concert ends, the security kicks every one out and my friends and I walk around the streets of downtown.  At like midnight.  In a bad neighborhood.  I'm shocked that we weren't stabbed/raped/gang banged.  Anyway, so prior to the concert they were giving away back stage passes and of course we didn't win one.  But as we were sitting on the curb waiting for our ride, we saw a woman who did win a back stage pass walk past us.  So we asked her all these questions like, "Did you put out?"  "Did you meet them?  How awesome was it?  What were they like?"  Instead of answering our questions, she gives us her back stage pass and said, "go check it out yourself!"  Our jaws dropped.  We snatched the pass from her and literally RAN all the way back to the concert building.  We get to the door and security is blocking the entrance.  Go figure.  So my one friend offers a blow job  flirts with the security guard to no avail.  So then my other friend flirts with the security guard.  That didn't work.  Finally, I busted out my moves.  Shockingly, that didn't work either.  So then we pleaded and begged the security guard to let us past.  We even showed our back stage pass.  After about twenty minutes of bitching, moaning and whining, he finally let us through.  We run inside and witness the band signing autographs.  We try to play it cool and swagga (oh yes, I went there) over towards the band.  They turn to us, we strike up conversation, telling them how awesome they are and how awesome the show was.  They sign our naked chests  concert tickets, we take pictures and then we're kicked out.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say that concert was about a 25.  Seriously, what are the chances of meeting the band at your very first concert?!  It was beyond awesome.  And I still have the autographed concert ticket that I may or may not have laminated and it may or may not be framed with the guitar pic I stole. 

Don't judge me.

My second concert was to see LFO.  Remember them??  I may or may not have bought their CD.  And I may or may not still have it.  Anyway, a friend and I saw them in concert sometime during our high school years.  God, I can't believe I'm admitting that I saw LFO in concert.  I guess it could be worse - it could have been Hanson or the BSB. 

Moving on...

My third concert was during my freshman year of college to see John Mayer.  I went with my best friend and to be honest, the concert experience totally sucked.  It was raining, it was cold and my friend wanted to leave early because she wasn't really into him at all.  Needless to say, I was kind of pissed.  Who the hell leaves a concert early?!  Apparently we do.  Yeah, that concert experience totally blew donkey dick.  Hard.  (that's what she said.)

Then I went to see Hoobastank with a guy I was dating in college and his friend and girlfriend.  The concert was pretty decent.  Even though I didn't really know the band that well, I am now in love with them.  Although they haven't put out (that's what she said) a good album since their first one.  But I did MEET THEM.  Yes, I know you're jealous.  And I have pictures.  And I may or may not have grabbed the lead singer's ass while we were taking pictures. 

Then I went to FarmAID in Philadelphia about three or four years ago.  It's a big charity concert that raises awareness for Farms.  And I think it had something to do with food?  Anyway, the main reason I went was to see Dave Matthews.  Of course, he put on a good show, but he did it solo, so it wasn't as spectacular as I thought it was going to be.  Of course we all got drunk (and some of us may or may not have experienced drugs that sometimes come in a cigarette-like form).  Overall it was a good concert.  And I have a t-shirt from it that says "Farmer's kick ass."  But instead of the word "ass" there's a picture of a donkey.  Yeah, it's awesome.  Be jealous.

Then I went to see Dave Matthews Band about two years ago and it was one of the better concerts I've attended. Especially since he performed my absolute favorite DMB song ever, Crush.  Sometimes I dream of him singing that to me every night as I fall asleep.

What?

So, in 2009 I went to zero concerts.  ZERO.  I'm shocked.  I tried to go to the DMB concert a few months ago with a friend (she already had tickets) but I wasn't thrilled about dropping $150 on lawn seats.  I love you, Dave, but not $150 worth for lawn seats.  Sorry.

This morning, I woke up to a lovely email from Ticketmaster with a list of some of their 2010 concerts.  As I scrolled down the list, I noticed something about John Mayer.  Turns out he's coming to Philadelphia in February and I'm so going to be there.  And I may or may not have already bought my tickets.  And I may even wear my fitted "I heart John Mayer" tee. 

I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

"it's only life"

Today my non-profit held our charity soccer tournament.  It's events and days like today that stress me out.  I always, always go into these events wishing we raised hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet we always end up walking away with a hundred ... or a couple thousand, like we did tonight.

But surprisingly, I'm proud of my team for working as hard as they did and raising almost $2,000.  It makes doing what I do so much more enjoyable and rewarding.  It makes my life more complete.

Today was a learning experience.  It was our second biggest fundraiser and it somehow turned out being our most profitable one yet. 


Today I learned that hard work really does pay off.  And if you put your faith in certain people, everything will come together as it needs to.  And maybe hopefully someday this will grow into something bigger and better than what it already is.


Today I learned that "it's only life..."  We work so hard to pay our bills; we work so hard at maintaining friendships and relationships; we work so hard to reap the rewards.  It's only life.  It's not about the money or how hard you work or how hard you fall; it's about life - living it and loving it.  Even on your darkest day, it's only life.


Tonight, as the clock strikes midnight, I leave you with one of my favorite songs and a piece of advice, especially for all of your twenty-something's out there:

take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,

just take your time, it's only life