growth and passion

{{ This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt: One word.  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word.  Explain why you're choosing that word.  Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? }}

 {via}

2010 has been a pivotal year for me.  Letting go of toxic friendships.  Investing more in healthier friendships.  Committing to therapy.  Getting back in the dating game.  Discovering my passion to make a difference in this world.  Learning what it means to live life on my own terms.  

How do I describe this year in one word?  GROWTH.

I was one of those people who thought I had all the answers.  I thought I could fix anything, do anything, and work through pain on my own.  But then I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor at 2AM on a Tuesday night in March, sobbing uncontrollably.  I knew why I was crying, but I didn't want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and fifteen years of not grieving properly for my father, had finally caught up to me.  I knew it was time to seek professional help.  I knew it was finally time to work through my pain and grieve for my parents.  It takes courage to see a therapist, and I truly admire any person who has sought professional help.

It's been eight months of therapy and I didn't think I would get here.  To a point in my life where my heart doesn't constantly ache over losing my parents.  To accept the fact that, yes, this is my life, and be okay with it.  I still have bad days and bad moments.  My heart still aches, but the pain has subsided a bit.  I still miss them, and will always miss them. I've grown tremendously over this last year through acknowledgment and acceptance and it feels wonderful.


This time, next year...

I want to be passionate.  About my career.  About graduate school.  About my friendships.  About my life.  I want my passion to resonate in those around me and inspire others to make a change, conquer a fear, and live passionately.   

How would you encapsulate your year in one word?  And how do you hope to describe your 2011?

A Letter to my 18 Year Old Self

Dear Younger Me,

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Always remember that.

College will be an important four years of your life.  And perhaps they will be the best four years of your life.  Don’t take them for granted.  You’ll take some hard classes.  You’ll take some easy classes.  And you’ll take those mind-numbing classes that every freshman has to take.  Do well in every one of those classes.  You may not think so, but all of your hard work will one day pay off.

Continue to play soccer every day.  Your body will thank you for it and you will surely fall in love with the sport all over again later in life.  Take advantage of playing with the guys.  It will teach you how to “hold your own,” which is something you will need to know later in life.

Listen to your mother.  Even if you don’t like what she has to say, and even if you hate how she makes you do things you don’t want to do, she is one of the greatest people you will ever learn to love.  And she is one of the very few people on this earth that will ever love you unconditionally.  Don’t take her for granted and don’t ever disrespect her.  She gave up so much of her life so you could have one of your own.  Love her like she deserves because you are going to miss her when she is gone.

Listen to your brothers.  I know you don’t have the best relationship with them, but you have to realize that they really do care about you and they always want the best for you.  You don’t have to love them every minute of every day, but you do have to be a good sister to them.  Your oldest brother is going to need you at a very serious time of his life and you will need to sacrifice a new job to be there by his bed side.  And your other brother is going to need you for one of his most important moments of his life.  You won’t want to miss it.  Love them just as much as you love your parents.  Be a part of their big moments and be a part of their life in every way possible … because one day, they will be all you have.

You’re going to get your heart broken.  Not just once, but twice.  But you will bounce back from those heartaches.  Yes, it’s going to be painful at first, but like they say, time heals all wounds.  Just don’t let those painful relationships keep you from falling in love a third time.  Or even a fourth time.  Fall in love as many times as it takes for you to find “the one.”  And believe me, you will find him.  You may not spend the rest of your life with him, but trust me when I say that you will find him.

The “real world” isn’t what everyone thinks (or claims) it is.  It’s hard and at times, it’s not fun.  But you will learn that money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to earn every penny you spend.  You will go through a career-crisis, but don’t freak.  And even worse, you’ll go through a quarter-life crisis.  But eventually you will learn what sparks that passion inside of you.  And whatever it is, go for it.  Follow your heart, not your mind; your heart feels things your mind cannot see. 

You’re going to make mistakes.  Many of them.  Perhaps even over and over again.  But that’s okay.  You learn by making mistakes, right?  Don’t let people get the best of you.  Fight for what you want and nothing less.  Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth it.  Don’t give up on something you can’t live a day without.  Because one day you’re going to make it … and you’re going to shine like never before.

Be true to yourself.  Always and forever.

Love always,
Older Me