by letting go, I moved forward

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It amazes me how much stuff I own.  Clothes. Shoes. Papers. Unfinished projects. Books. Movies.  I suppose I blame it on acquiring things over the last five years after moving from apartment to apartment.  I always felt like I had a use for everything I kept, or that I would be able to use it in the future.

But then I decided to move out of the country and it was finally time to do something about it.  I've slowly been cleaning and packing over the last couple months, but today was the first time that I dedicated an entire day to packing.  For the last few weeks I've been avoiding everything.  Emotions. Packing. Cleaning. Goodbyes.  Truth is, I honestly cannot believe I'm doing this.  

Today, I cleaned out the clutter.  I tossed clothes I haven't worn in six months into white trash bags for donation.  I boxed up books, stuffed animals and pictures I won't be taking with me.  I let go of shoes I have only worn a few times, sweatshirts that I've had since I was in high school, and ripped jeans that are my absolute favorite, but I know I'll never wear again.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I sent out a few long awaited emails that I knew would be emotionally difficult to send, but was something I had to do to get closure on my own terms.  I contacted people from my past to acknowledge our differences and mistakes that have been made.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I organized my paperwork for Prague, made a check list of things I need to do before I leave, and things I need to do immediately upon landing.  I sat with the feeling of being overwhelmed by the process it will take for me to get transported from Prague Airport to my apartment.  Emotionally, I moved forward.

Today, I realized that less is more.  For the last six years I have been holding onto materialistic items - old clothes, old shoes, old makeup - things I don't need in order to live.  I put an old dress I had been holding onto for three years - a dress I had only worn once, but carries a ton of wonderful memories with it.  I forced myself to add it into the donation bag.  You know you're never going to wear this again, I said to myself.  By letting go, I moved forward.

It's funny to think about how much we hold onto - materialistically and emotionally.  We hold on because we're afraid to let go; we're afraid to find out who we become once we no longer have those things.  But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go.  

Today, I moved forward. 

unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

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When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

we all have to believe in something

It happened. 

I was standing in the kitchen on Christmas Eve with my two brothers, their wives, and my oldest brother's mother-in-law.  We shared stories, laughed and drank wine.  We celebrated an engagement, a new house, Christmas, and family togetherness.  My oldest brother asked me if I had decided on Prague, and without any hesitation I said, "I'm going."

I have never been so confident about a decision in my entire life.  No guilt, no regrets, no second guessing myself.  I'm still terrified, but in an oh-my-god-I'm-really-doing-this kind of way.

Eventually, you reach a point in life where you stop questioning your decisions, your abilities, and yourself and just do it.

People tell me I'm being selfish.  My oldest brother said he doesn't understand why I'm doing this.  Someone told me I'm destined to fail.

I've spent the last three years trying to make a difference in this world to save women's lives from cancer.  I have dedicated my heart and soul to helping others because it's just who I am, and because I genuinely care about others. 

You can't help others until you learn how to help yourself.

I've been struggling over the last month to put myself back together.  I spiraled into depression a couple weeks ago - something I haven't done since 2003 - and felt completely lost in life.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I think I deserve to be.  We all deserve to be a little selfish in order to live life on our own terms.

I haven't told that many people about Prague.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know what they are going to say.  Except this isn't about them, it's about me.  It's about rediscovering myself, uncovering a new type of happiness, and continuing to live life on my own terms.

"You don't have to understand why I'm doing this, you just have to support me."

My oldest brother doesn't get it because he spent nearly a decade in school to earn a PhD, and he has been working with BP since.  So yeah, he doesn't get why I'm doing this because his career path has always been shoveled for him. 

Not everyone will understand your decisions in life, or support the path you follow, but the only thing that matters is your ability to believe in yourself.  

And for the first time in a long time, I believe in myself, in my abilities, and in this.

"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

{via}

When I graduated college, the decision to move to Philadelphia was easy.  I was done with school and I had a job waiting for me.  My fear of living in a big city and not knowing anyone disappeared because I was anxious to start that next chapter of my life.  

You'll never leave where you are, until you decide where you'd rather be.

When I moved to Philadelphia, it was supposed to be temporary.  One year, max.  I wanted to gain professional experience in a big city, so that I could move onto better things.  And since I had already spent a summer living in Philadelphia prior to moving here, it was easy to make that decision.  The first year was the hardest, and I realize that Philadelphians aren't typically warm and friendly to outsiders.  But over the last five years, I've done well for myself.  I gained some invaluable professional experience in the Corporate and Nonprofit world, I discovered my passion for helping others and making a difference, I found some amazing girl friends who would go above and beyond for me, and I'm a part of a great ball hockey community.  The things I've done, the people I've met, and the experiences I've created here are priceless.  But the problem is, it's not enough.  These are the reasons keeping me in Philadelphia.  The friendships, the jobs, the comfortable lifestyle of living in a big city.  A big part of me is settling for this kind of life, when deep down, I know that I want more.  I want more experiences - bigger experiences, more adventure, more thrills, more failures, more of not knowing and I'm not going to continue getting that by staying here.

 

When one door closes, another one opens.

The first rule in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is not to panic.  When I found out my law firm is dissolving, I panicked.  What do I do now?  How will I afford to pay rent?  How will I survive?  I spent close to two weeks shutting myself from the outside world.  I stopped talking to friends, I stopped playing hockey, I stopped doing all of the things I was so used to doing because I was terrified and upset.  I still am terrified and upset.  Losing a job is a devastating thing, and most Gen-Y'ers aren't prepared, emotionally and financially, when it happens. 

I had everything planned out - re-brand my nonprofit organization, start graduate school, and make 2011 the best year yet.  And then this happens and suddenly I feel like I have no motivation to even get out of bed each day.

But then I realized that losing my job isn't the worst thing in the world.  Sure, it sucks, but I've already been through other monumental, devastating life events that I can certainly handle losing my job.  It's about making the most of what you have, regardless of how bad it is and how much it hurts.

Everything happens for a reason.

I've been so caught up over losing my job, that I forgot about what happens next.  Traveling.  Adventures.  New opportunities.  Challenges.  The unknown.  It wasn't the right time to move to Chicago or California when I had made those decisions a few years ago.  It wasn't smart to just quit a job and lose all my benefits, just so I could find out what else is out there.  But now?  Now this is my chance.  To travel.  To seek new opportunities.  To face new challenges.  To do the things that people don't think I'm capable of.

This is it.

I applied for a Teach English in a Foreign Country (TEFC) Certification program.  It's a rigorous four weeks of classes (and live teaching) taught by certified professors who teach you the skills to teach English.  Upon acceptance (into the program) and completion (of the certification), I will have the education, experience, and certification that allows me to teach English abroad in any country.  For as long as I want.  I could start as early as mid-January, and I could study in Prague, Barcelona, or London.  Studying in Europe, teaching English, traveling the world, and getting paid to do it all.  How can I pass this up now?  

I'll know my acceptance into the program sometime next week.  When I get accepted, I'll start my program in late-February/early March in either London or Prague.  And after that, the rest is history.  Now that I have nothing holding me back here, all that awaits are new challenges, new dreams, and new beginnings.  

Maybe 2011 will still be my best year yet, after all.

"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.  Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.  NO one asks for their life to change, but it does.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you really are."

- Whistler -

* title of the post is from Fight Club.  Only one of my most favorite movies ever.

growth and passion

{{ This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt: One word.  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word.  Explain why you're choosing that word.  Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? }}

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2010 has been a pivotal year for me.  Letting go of toxic friendships.  Investing more in healthier friendships.  Committing to therapy.  Getting back in the dating game.  Discovering my passion to make a difference in this world.  Learning what it means to live life on my own terms.  

How do I describe this year in one word?  GROWTH.

I was one of those people who thought I had all the answers.  I thought I could fix anything, do anything, and work through pain on my own.  But then I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor at 2AM on a Tuesday night in March, sobbing uncontrollably.  I knew why I was crying, but I didn't want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and fifteen years of not grieving properly for my father, had finally caught up to me.  I knew it was time to seek professional help.  I knew it was finally time to work through my pain and grieve for my parents.  It takes courage to see a therapist, and I truly admire any person who has sought professional help.

It's been eight months of therapy and I didn't think I would get here.  To a point in my life where my heart doesn't constantly ache over losing my parents.  To accept the fact that, yes, this is my life, and be okay with it.  I still have bad days and bad moments.  My heart still aches, but the pain has subsided a bit.  I still miss them, and will always miss them. I've grown tremendously over this last year through acknowledgment and acceptance and it feels wonderful.


This time, next year...

I want to be passionate.  About my career.  About graduate school.  About my friendships.  About my life.  I want my passion to resonate in those around me and inspire others to make a change, conquer a fear, and live passionately.   

How would you encapsulate your year in one word?  And how do you hope to describe your 2011?

Life is beautiful

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Remember when life wasn't so complicated?  When we didn't have to worry about bills, responsibilities or commitments.  When we didn't know what things like quarter-life crisis, commitment or depression meant.  When our imaginations ran wild and our big dreams and big goals got us through the day.  When we weren't dependent on schedules, caffeine, and e-mail.  When we could do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not worry about the repercussions, who got hurt along the way, and how our decisions would affect us later on in life. 

Life is messy and complicated. 

We struggle to make sense of what it means to be independent, financially responsible, professional, and loyal in life.  We struggle to understand the meaning of friendships and sacrifices.  We spend too much of our time waiting for someone to tell give us the answers, to guide us, or to tell us what to do.  We worry over the possibility of losing a job, being pushed into the 'friend zone,' being successful and knowing the difference between living life every day and showing up every day.

Life is stressful and overwhelming.

We make big decisions to open more doors for us.  We test our limits to see just how far we can push ourselves.  We make commitments when we know we shouldn't just so we can make others happy.  We make sacrifices because it's what grown-ups do.  We let things slip away in order to focus on the bigger picture.  Because it's the bigger picture that we're chasing - our hopes, our goals, our dreams.  Our happiness.

Life is beautiful.

Today I got a jump start on grad school - bought some text books and spent five hours reading, taking notes, and absorbing information.  

Today I was called dynamic.  Is that supposed to be a compliment?  I don't know.  

Today I learned that sometimes timing really is everything, and my timing sucks.  

Today I realized that I like the chase, but it never works out in my favor.  

Today royally kicked my ass in every possible way, but as messy, complicated, stressful and overwhelming life can be, it really is beautiful.

"sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem"

 

{via}

I had two choices - be gentle and sugar coat, or be brutally honest.

"I think you're amazing.  I really enjoy talking to you because it's so easy and so comfortable for me... and I don't usually connect with a guy this well, so soon.  But I felt like you punched me in my ovaries.  It really stung.  And for a while I was mad at you, but now I'm just bitter at the situation and how this played out.  Because you knew from Day One how this would end, and instead of being up front and honest with me, you chose to let things continue.  And now it sucks because I really liked you and now I don't know what to do.  So yes, that makes you a douchebag."

I chose the latter.

Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said that there are no right moments, right guys, or right answers; we just have to say what's in our heart.

I leave for Prague in three months.  I have a check list of things I need to do before I leave, but I also created a list of things I want to do for myself.  I'm closing a big chapter of my life and in order to move forward, I really want to focus on finding personal closure with what I've made for myself in Philadelphia.

While it wasn't my ideal situation to tell him (in my car, after a hockey game), I owed it to myself to explain why I'm bitter.  I needed a sense of closure, and I needed it to be on my own terms.  He's not a bad guy, he's just a bad person [for me] to date.

As much as this dating experience sucked, I don't have any regrets.  I learned that I really do have the ability to feel something for someone after getting my heart shattered.  It's okay to become vulnerable, just don't let a man use that to his advantage.  And most importantly, know what you're worth and don't be afraid to tell him (or her).  

I wasn't sure I would be able to stay friends with him once he returned from Brazil.  I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a guy that I've been involved with.  But I'm leaving in three months, and I don't know what will happen with our friendship while I'm abroad, or when I return, and at the very least, I want to be friendly since we still have to see each other every week.  I want to be able to end things with a man on good terms, because I owe it to myself to at least try. 

 

* title of the post from Misery by Maroon 5

choosing an authentic life

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The domino effect.  One small change that naturally triggers more, with an intention for those changes to transform your life.

I've hit a crucial point in my life - re-evaluating my friendships, my relationships dating life, my career and my overall happiness.  I no longer want to settle for anything less than what I truly want.  And I want authenticity - the real thing - in every area of my life.  Except that I can't simply acquire authenticity, I have to become it.

Friendships

This year has been a turning point in the friendship department.  I spent a significant amount of time analyzing my friendships and choosing which ones to hold onto. Our friendships aren't defined through the number of connections on Facebook, or the number of followers on Twitter, or the number of contacts we have stored in our cell phones.  Our friendships are defined by honesty and authenticity.  Of your 500+ friends on Facebook, how many of them do you actually talk to?  Like, in person having genuine conversations?  Small talk, for me, is fake.  I want real, stimulating conversations over wine and cheese, pancake brunches, or coffee.  Conversations that start in the early afternoon and continue well into the night.  I crave those meaningful conversations.

It took me a while to realize exactly what I need in my friendships.  For a while, it felt like my circle of friends was dwindling by the day, but I realized that I was just weeding out the friends who couldn't satisfy my needs.  I don't need 500 friends on Facebook as long as I have two or three close girl friends by my side. 

Career

I love what I do.  I have so much passion and dedication for the cause.  I want to make a difference in this world on a much larger scale than I am currently doing.  I know that it's going to take time, but sometimes I get impatient.

It took me two weeks to finish my applications for graduate school, and I nearly had an anxiety attack when I mailed them out, but now that the process is completed, I'm relieved.  Except for the fact that I'm now waiting for the schools to make a decision and dammit, I just want to know!  It took me a while to realize - and accept - that I need to return to school in order to launch my career on a larger scale.  I was putting it off for so long because I wasn't sure where my heart was.  I've worked in the legal field for nearly a decade now, and I really do enjoy it.  But I love my nonprofit, and I've worked too damn hard to give it up now.  I want a career where I can do both successfully, and hopefully graduate school will help me figure all of that out.

When you find your passion in your life, hold onto it because you don't know how long it will last.  

Relationships/Dating

I hate dating.  There, I said it.  It sucks.  I don't know what the "rules" are anymore.  I don't know what the boundaries are for comfortable and inappropriate.  I don't know whether I should offer to pay on the first date (which I did, and he declined) or just assume he's going to foot the bill.  I don't know if I'm supposed to be the one chasing after him, or let him chase after me.  I just. don't. know.

I hate the dating game even more so when the guy you're dating is nearly a decade older than you (not that age matters, but really, sometimes it does), is divorced, and takes life more seriously.  The rules become more complicated and things move incredibly slower. 

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need right now - to be grounded with someone who has more life experience and can help guide me through all of this life stuff.  Or maybe I'll just end up in the infamous 'friend zone' by Thanksgiving. 

Working towards authenticity

I feel like I've hit a milestone.  Like I'll look back on my 27th year and remember all of the things I did to improve my quality of life.  Realizing my true self worth and refusing to settle for anything less than what I want.  Surrounding myself with people who make me happy.  Doing things that I'm passionate about.  Working toward a successful career.   

Isn't that what life's all about?