wise words:

I understand feeling as as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

- Kate Winslet, The Holiday

A Letter to my 18 Year Old Self

Dear Younger Me,

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Always remember that.

College will be an important four years of your life.  And perhaps they will be the best four years of your life.  Don’t take them for granted.  You’ll take some hard classes.  You’ll take some easy classes.  And you’ll take those mind-numbing classes that every freshman has to take.  Do well in every one of those classes.  You may not think so, but all of your hard work will one day pay off.

Continue to play soccer every day.  Your body will thank you for it and you will surely fall in love with the sport all over again later in life.  Take advantage of playing with the guys.  It will teach you how to “hold your own,” which is something you will need to know later in life.

Listen to your mother.  Even if you don’t like what she has to say, and even if you hate how she makes you do things you don’t want to do, she is one of the greatest people you will ever learn to love.  And she is one of the very few people on this earth that will ever love you unconditionally.  Don’t take her for granted and don’t ever disrespect her.  She gave up so much of her life so you could have one of your own.  Love her like she deserves because you are going to miss her when she is gone.

Listen to your brothers.  I know you don’t have the best relationship with them, but you have to realize that they really do care about you and they always want the best for you.  You don’t have to love them every minute of every day, but you do have to be a good sister to them.  Your oldest brother is going to need you at a very serious time of his life and you will need to sacrifice a new job to be there by his bed side.  And your other brother is going to need you for one of his most important moments of his life.  You won’t want to miss it.  Love them just as much as you love your parents.  Be a part of their big moments and be a part of their life in every way possible … because one day, they will be all you have.

You’re going to get your heart broken.  Not just once, but twice.  But you will bounce back from those heartaches.  Yes, it’s going to be painful at first, but like they say, time heals all wounds.  Just don’t let those painful relationships keep you from falling in love a third time.  Or even a fourth time.  Fall in love as many times as it takes for you to find “the one.”  And believe me, you will find him.  You may not spend the rest of your life with him, but trust me when I say that you will find him.

The “real world” isn’t what everyone thinks (or claims) it is.  It’s hard and at times, it’s not fun.  But you will learn that money doesn’t grow on trees and you have to earn every penny you spend.  You will go through a career-crisis, but don’t freak.  And even worse, you’ll go through a quarter-life crisis.  But eventually you will learn what sparks that passion inside of you.  And whatever it is, go for it.  Follow your heart, not your mind; your heart feels things your mind cannot see. 

You’re going to make mistakes.  Many of them.  Perhaps even over and over again.  But that’s okay.  You learn by making mistakes, right?  Don’t let people get the best of you.  Fight for what you want and nothing less.  Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth it.  Don’t give up on something you can’t live a day without.  Because one day you’re going to make it … and you’re going to shine like never before.

Be true to yourself.  Always and forever.

Love always,
Older Me

A love/hate kind of thing

Love:  living in a big city with tons of stuff to do.
Hate:  living in a big city with tons of people around.

Love: eating bread and cheese for dinner.
Hate: the number of carbs I consume whilst doing so.

Love: scoring the winning goal in my soccer championship game in overtime.
Hate:  playing my next soccer game like absolute crap.

Love:  the movie “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
Hate: having to wait until Friday to receive “Role Models” from Netflix.

Love:  unusually warm winter days.
Hate: how it’s still “winter” in March.

Love: my Pitt Panthers basketball and March Madness.
Hate: watching them lose.

Love: walking to work every day.
Hate: when I forget my umbrella and it’s rainy.

Love:  running into old friends on the street.
Hate: how I have lost touch with so many people.

Love: looking for a new apartment/condo/house already!
Hate: packing and moving.

Love: trying new restaurants.
Hate:  the disappointment afterward when the restaurant doesn’t live up to my expectations.

Love:  cooking up a delicious dinner.
Hate: having to clean up after.

Love:  Michael Jackson and the possibility of a world tour (if he ever came to Philly I would SO be there!)
Hate: how y’all are now judging me for confessing my love for MJ.

Love:  happy hours with good ex-coworkers who have now become close friends.
Hate:  not getting the chance to see them very often.

Love:  reading other people’s blogs.
Hate:  blogs full of pictures.

Love:  the weekend being so close.
Hate: that it’s not yet Friday.

the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

It’s interesting to learn what life has in store for you.  A decision that seems so easy can often change the course of your life.  And the hardest decision you have to make may not change anything at all.

I kind of dated a friend from college two years ago.  I say “kinda” because we never carried the official titles and it was a long distance thing so I wanted to take it slow.  But he came out here to visit me and I would go home to visit him once or twice a month.  During that period, he had become one of my closest guy friends.  I had this great guy who I kind of dated and who was like a best friend to me.  Perfect, right?

Well it was more complicated than that.  At the time I couldn’t bare to do a long distance relationship.  I didn’t like the thought of being a plane ride away from a significant other.  I didn’t like the idea of not being able to see him whenever I wanted.  It wasn’t my idea of a great relationship.  But nonetheless, we kind of made it work.  And during this time I was still trying to figure out how I felt for this guy.  I mean, I liked him.  I liked spending time with him.  We always got along so well and could goof around and joke around with each other and not care.  We never got into any arguments.  By definition, it was a sign of it potentially being a great relationship.  But I still wasn’t sure.

He came out to visit me New Years 2007 with one of his friends and my BFF came out that weekend also.  We had a great time.  But it quickly ended and before I knew it I was saying goodbye as he was catching a flight back home.  Shortly after he got back home he and I had discussed our little situation in more detail.  I told him that I couldn’t do a long distance relationship … and he had a great job back home that he didn’t have any intention of leaving.  We both pursued the idea of moving to Washington, DC together (this was when I was so determined to move down there).  It was a compromise we could both live with.  He had even applied for teaching positions down in Virginia and received an offer at one.  And while I had interviewed at firms down there, I didn’t have anything solid and wasn’t sure I wanted to move without having a job secured.  And that idea eventually faded away.

And then through some of his friends he ended up meeting another girl.  He quickly became interested in her, but didn’t want to write me off so fast if there was any chance at a future together.  I told him that I wasn’t completely sure and that I didn’t want to hold him back from anything.  At this point I think my feelings for him were just now starting to become real, but I wasn’t sure how fast (or slow) it would take for them to develop into something deeper and I am not the kind of person who would want someone to put their life on hold for me, so I told him to pursue the other girl if he is really interested.

And so he did.  And things were going great.  Better than he had ever imagined.  But while his relationship with the other girl was going great, our friendship was dissolving.  We went from talking every day to once a day to once a week to once a month to a friendly holiday text (you know, the “merry christmas” ones you send the people in your phone that you claim are your friends but you never see them or call them).  And now I can’t tell you the last time I talked to him.  Months.  Many, many months.

I logged onto my computer last night to check some emails, my blog and facebook.  I noticed that he had changed his relationship status on facebook.  So of course I needed to check it out.  I’m sure if I tell you that last night was Valentine’s Day (aka what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year), I’m sure you can figure out what his status changed to.  Yes, it went from “in a relationship” to “engaged.”  Truth?  I was happy, but my heart sunk a little.

The girl that I pushed him to is the very girl he proposed to last night.  I haven’t dug up the courage to congratulate him yet.  I think because I’m still trying to dig through my feelings about that.  I’m happy for the guy – don’t get me wrong – but a tiny little part of me is jealous.  While another part of me is wondering if I let another great guy slip through my hands.  Had I decided to start a relationship with him, would that have been me he would have proposed to last night?  I can’t help but sit here and wonder.

We spend our lives searching for the one. But how many times have we rejected perfectly great guys (or gals) because we didn’t know any better, because we were afraid of settling for “right now” instead of taking a chance?  I can’t help but feel like I missed out on what could have been something amazing because I was too scared … or because I was too naive … or because I was waiting for something better to come along, when in fact that something better was staring me straight in the face.
A decision that was so small, changed both of our lives.

Two roads diverged into the woods, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

weighty issues

Since college I have had a love/hate relationship with my weight.* You probably would not have guessed this at all if you know me, but it’s true. Now, I am not “overweight” or “thick” by any means, but I can easily gain weight and not-so-easily lose it.

The “freshman 15” didn’t find its way to my hips and thighs until about my junior year of college (so that would make it the “junior 15”?) when I was less active, and thankfully I have stopped giving blowjobs to midgets in the alley way since lost those 15 pounds.  But I will admit that for me, it is very hard to keep those 15 pounds far away from me as remotely possible. Honestly? One of the main reasons why I play soccer/hockey every night of the week is because: 1.) I despise going to the gym; and 2.) I am so afraid if I don’t play sports and stay active all the time, I will instantly gain that weight (and so much more) back.

I became more self-conscious about my weight about two years ago when I constantly ate all kinds of toxic stuff (i.e. pop, junk food, sweets, fried deliciousness, etc.) and I would easily pack on a few pounds if I didn’t hit the gym or play soccer/hockey for a month. It was definitely me at my worst, so to speak. But since then I’ve become so much more conscious of what I eat. And I have been exercising and playing sports so much more frequently now. I’ve cut out pop (fine, “soda”) – the only exception is when I’m drinking, and in that case, it’s now a Malibu and diet. I don’t buy junk food – this one was the hardest change for me since I heart junk food. I buy chips and salsa at the grocery store, but I limit myself to how much (and how often) I eat it. And if I buy a small bag of chips at a store I buy the baked lay’s instead of the regular chips. I’ve cut down my dessert intake. I rarely buy desserts now (out of sight, out of mind), but I do occasionally give in and bake some brownies at home (thank you for that, PMS.) I’m eating more fruit and veggies at home and at work. And I’m also cooking at home (and packing my lunch!) so much more than I am eating out. You would think that by making all of these food/lifestyle changes, I would be rockin’ the buns of steel and rock hard abs**, but alas this isn’t the case. But I have lost a lot of weight since college, so shove that in your pipe and smoke it, freshman 15!

And diets? Yeah I don’t believe in them one bit. A guy at my soccer game the other night was telling me he and his wife are on this “egg and grapefruit” diet for a year, meaning he can only eat eggs and grapefruits three times a day, every day, for one year. Wow, good luck with that.  Seriously dude? Just kill yourself now. Oh, and tell your wife that grapefruits are linked to ovarian cancer ***.

I know I will probably never be satisfied with my weight and I definitely know I will always have this love/hate relationship with it (I swear, it’s like my other boyfriend), but I suppose this is just part of being a girl. I mean seriously, are we ever happy with our weight/bodies? But I do know I love food way too much to go on a diet and I love cooking way too much that I can’t imagine buying eggs and grapefruit for an entire year (although think about how much money I could save).

*sigh*

C’est la vie.

* I love food so damn much but I hate the weight that can be easily gained  from it.
** In high school the BFF and I always dreamt about having rock hard abs and buns of steel before we graduated.  It’s now creeping closer to my 10 year reunion (gasp!) and I have yet to achieve abs of hardness and steel buns.
*** true story.  So if you’re a girl who eats grapefruit, you may want to quit now.  I’m just sayin’…