on leading a double life

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A friend of mine joined Twitter the other day.  This, just days after he told me in a previous conversation that he doesn't understand Twitter or the sense of tweeting.  I tried explaining it to him, but I don't think he understood it very well.

"I didn't know you were on Twitter," he said.

"I am.  But don't follow me, because then you'll discover my other life."

"What 'other life?'"

"My blog life."

Confession: Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives - a real entrepreneur-by-day, hockey-player-by-night life and a blog life.  Except I didn't realize this until tonight, when I said it to my friend. 

Not very many of my real-life, non-blog friends know about this blog (for good reason).  None of them know that I'm a part of a blogging community and have met some of my [now] closest friends through it.  None of them know about the intimate details that I reveal on this blog.  It's amazing what we will reveal on the internet (via blogs), but we won't tell our real life, non-blogger friends. It's even more amazing at the number of bloggers who have formed real life friendships with other bloggers.  In fact, even most of my Twitter followers are bloggers.  

I got nervous when my friend said he would follow me on Twitter.  And then I [kind of] jokingly said that I would follow him back and tag him in every tweet, as my defense mechanism to get him to not follow me.  I feel like I'm living a double-life because my real life friends just don't understand blogging, blogger meet-ups, or friendships based around blogging.  It makes it very challenging to have a conversation about something I read on a blog when that person has no idea what a blog is. 

While I may not reveal my identity on this, I do reveal intimate thoughts based around my life events.  And sometimes I blog about my real life friends or conversations that spark blog fodder (such as this).   I reveal pieces of my intimate life that I wouldn't necessarily share with my real life friends because it's so much easier to feel less vulnerable when you sit behind a computer screen and type your words, than having to say it to someone face-to-face.  I've come to learn that not every one of my real life friends have the capacity to hold intellectual, stimulating conversations that I often crave.

Today, I announced (via Twitter and FB) that I am one of six Stratejoy Season 4 Bloggers (YAY!!!).  That means I get to spend the next six months blogging about my past, present and future, my Quarterlife crisis, and my journey to discovering authentic happiness.  It means being incredibly honest and open with the Stratejoy Tribe (and the internet) about my life - the challenges I face, the adventures I'm about to take, the bouts of depression I've conquered, the details of my broken and damaged past.  I'm incredibly excited for this opportunity, and to get to know my other Season 4 sisters, but I'm also nervous because once I put it out there, I can't take it back. 

I plan on sharing my Stratejoy adventures with my real life friends, in the hopes that they'll understand what blogging is, why I do it, and how it's become a big part of my every day life.  Because it's my outlet.  After a long day, I blog.  When I'm feeling creative, I blog.  When I want to talk about something, I blog.  I do it because I love it.  

Do what you love and forget the rest.

under the radar

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Writing.  What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it?}}

I like living under the radar.  I like being a blogger that no one really knows.  I like hiding myself from the public spotlight, despite the fact that I've been published in Coping with Cancer Magazine, featured in Shape and Glamour magazines, and on the news. 

So, what stands in my way?  Not putting myself out there in the public spotlight in order to become a successful, established, well-known, published writer.

I fear my dream of publishing my memoir or a self-help book is hindered by the fact that I just don't like putting myself out there.  I don't like exposing the intimate details of my broken and damaged life to the public for fear of judgment and criticism.  Ironic, considering I run a nonprofit organization that empower young adults to live life with a purpose.

How can I eliminate this?  By exposing myself (metaphorically speaking).  By learning to be more comfortable on sharing my story of loss and triumph, because I do believe that I can inspire others with my story.

I'm too young for this!

 

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I attended a Boot Camp (read: very small conference) today, sponsored by the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation, to bring together young adult cancer survivors to increase action to eliminate cancer in young adults. 

When you get diagnosed with cancer, you feel isolated from the rest of the world.  Your family and friends don't understand what kind of emotional and physical pain you're going through because they aren't experiencing it.  So you naturally begin to think that you're the only one going through this pain and suffering.  You convince yourself that no one else out there in the big, big world will ever understand what you're going through.  And then suddenly you find websites like the National Cervical Cancer Coalition and the I2Y Foundation and you begin to realize that you aren't alone.

I don't really talk about my cancer with my non-cancer related friends.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know that they just won't get it.  You can't really understand a person's feelings or emotions unless you've experienced it yourself.  So, I save the cancer talk for my cancer friends.  Because they know and they feel and they understand. 

Today, I met two women who are recent cervical cancer survivors and we all shared our stories.  One young woman asked if we all shared the same physical pains - like bladder issues and constant back pains - as she.  I thought I was the only one, I told her.  We're never alone when it comes to cancer; somewhere, someone is experiencing the same things you are.  When you go through something like radiation and chemotherapy, you don't really understand how bad it is until after you've survived your battle.  Constant back pain.  Feeling like you have to pee every five minutes.  Ringing in your ears.  It sucks, but I hide it well when I'm around others because I don't want their pity (also because I'm addicted to extra strength Tylenol.  What?)

I'm too young for this.  Diagnosed at 23.  Trying to reclaim my life at 27.  Wondering if I'll ever reach that point in my life where I won't constantly think about my cancer.  Waiting to reach my 5-year anniversary so the fear of recurrence disappears.  Cancer changes your life.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  Gen-Y'ers have enough to worry about - jobs, finances, friendships, relationships - we shouldn't have to worry about cancer. 

I just hope one day we can find a cure for it.  And I hope one day I can reclaim my life.

putting a ring on it...too soon

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How soon is too soon to get engaged? 

A friend of mine proposed to his wife six weeks after dating her.  They were engaged for two years and have been married for 9.  The first time he told me that story, I was shocked.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe in savoring a relationship, and living with your partner before even considering getting engaged.  Because you don't really know someone until you live together.  I dated my college boyfriend for three years, we spent one summer living together and at the end of that summer I broke it off because we weren't compatible. 

I know for some people it works.  You get caught up in the thrill of the relationship and you rush into everything.  But even my friends who are now divorced say that they wouldn't rush into a relationship or an engagement.

A friend sent me a text this morning asking if I had heard the good news.  Considering this was someone I hadn't talked to in a while, and someone I don't really talk to often, I was surprised when I received a message.  

"She proposed and he said yes!"  

My ex-best friend met this guy on Match.com in July in Florida.  They went out on one date, hooked up that night, and the next morning he left for Texas, where he was stationed (he's in the Army).  They haven't seen each other since that night, although they talked via text message and phone frequently.  I knew she was going out to see him soon, and I had also known (through word of mouth) that she had applied for a marriage license in the State of Texas.  So it wasn't a big shock when this mutual friend of ours told me she had proposed to the guy and is now engaged.  

I suppose what I can't wrap my head around is the fact that she completely rushed into this relationship.  How do you know you've found "the one" after just one night of being with someone?  I don't get it, and maybe I'm not supposed to, but I have always wanted to believe that my ex-best friend was an intelligent person and made decisions that would better her life.  I can't support this decision, and I can't help but feel like they are headed for divorce.  I just hope they have what it takes to beat the odds.

in the zone

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"I really like you.  You're beautiful, intelligent, and dynamic.  You make me laugh - and it's rare to find a woman who can make me laugh.  And you laugh at my jokes, which I think is great.  But... here's the thing.  If we continue to date each other, I'm going to turn into a douchebag and disappear after a couple months and never talk to you.  Because that's what I do.  I date someone for a little while and then bail.  And then find someone else to date for a while and bail.  I don't know why - maybe because I've been in a committed relationship for 10 years and it's the Bachelor screaming in me - but it's just what I do for right now.  Maybe down the road when I'm ready for another relationship, we can pursue it, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you.  Because I really, really do like you - I think the world of you - but I really want to be close friends years from now and I just don't want to ruin whatever we have, whatever this is."  

Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?

Well, I do.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.  I just had a hunch.  While I appreciate his honesty and upfront-ness, it still stings.  Investing some time into a person, beginning to feel something for someone, all to get pushed into the Friend Zone at the end.

I don't know how to maintain a friendship with an ex.  Ex-boyfriend.  Ex-dater.  Ex-whateveryoucallit.  In fact, I don't talk to any guys that I've been involved with.  Not my college boyfriend.  Not the guy I dated last summer or two years ago.  Not even any of the guys I've had casual encounters with.  Actually, that's a lie.  I'm good friends with one guy that I had a brief stint with.  But for the most part, I don't know how to be friends with an ex.  Because the friendship is never the same, and things are always off kilter when your ex starts dating someone else.  And I'm the kind of person who falls hard and fast for someone, and would prefer not to experience the after-effects of trying to maintain a friendship with an ex.

Thankfully, I haven't invested too many feelings or emotions into this (which is exactly why I dislike relationships - the feelings!  the emotions!  the break-ups!  I can't handle it!!), but it still stings.  It's like someone punched me in the stomach.  Because we shared intimate secrets, stories, and life experiences with each other and I allowed myself to become vulnerable to him.  It still hurts when you really do like someone - and those feelings are returned - but the guy just can't commit.  Or he won't commit.  Perhaps it's not the fact that he doesn't want a commitment right now (which is fine, because frankly I don't think I could handle a serious commitment right now, either), so much as it is the fact that he knows and wants to be a serial dater, and won't let anyone hold him back from being that.

Don't get me wrong, I get the whole enjoy your singlehood and date around thing, I do.  I did it, I enjoyed it.  It even made for some great blog fodder.  I guess I just don't understand it when feelings are returned and invested.  Am I too old-fashioned by believing in monogamy? 

Now I know why he made the rule of not dating anyone from the gym or hockey leagues.  Because whether we stay friends or not, I still have to see him at least once a week.  But at least he's off to Brazil for three weeks, so I have some time to figure out where to go from here. 

Is it really possible to stay close friends with an ex or someone you dated?  Or am I just that socially incompetent?

is it ever enough?

{picture taken by yours truly, edited in Picnik}

If love is all we need, then why are we constantly searching for more of something else? 

I find myself always looking for something.  A really good book.  A new pair of jeans.  A new restaurant to try.  A new city to explore.  I want more.  I feel like I'll never be satisfied with what I have, where I'm going, and what I'm doing.

I took the last few days off while my cousin was in town.  No work, no nonprofit stuff, no mind-drifting.  I was consumed in wine, cheese, conversations, laughter, taking pictures and walking.  Lots and lots of walking.  We had a Girls Night, toured our Nation's Capital, and shared stimulating conversations with the boy over delicious beers.  As wonderful as the weekend was though, I wasn't completely satisfied.  (TWSS)  Something was missing.  Something just didn't feel right.  I wanted more, but I didn't know what of.

Why is it, when our lives are filled with so many wonderful things - like a good job, great friends, passion, and laughter - are we always looking for something else?  Are we ever satisfied?

weighty issues

Since college I have had a love/hate relationship with my weight.* You probably would not have guessed this at all if you know me, but it’s true. Now, I am not “overweight” or “thick” by any means, but I can easily gain weight and not-so-easily lose it.

The “freshman 15” didn’t find its way to my hips and thighs until about my junior year of college (so that would make it the “junior 15”?) when I was less active, and thankfully I have stopped giving blowjobs to midgets in the alley way since lost those 15 pounds.  But I will admit that for me, it is very hard to keep those 15 pounds far away from me as remotely possible. Honestly? One of the main reasons why I play soccer/hockey every night of the week is because: 1.) I despise going to the gym; and 2.) I am so afraid if I don’t play sports and stay active all the time, I will instantly gain that weight (and so much more) back.

I became more self-conscious about my weight about two years ago when I constantly ate all kinds of toxic stuff (i.e. pop, junk food, sweets, fried deliciousness, etc.) and I would easily pack on a few pounds if I didn’t hit the gym or play soccer/hockey for a month. It was definitely me at my worst, so to speak. But since then I’ve become so much more conscious of what I eat. And I have been exercising and playing sports so much more frequently now. I’ve cut out pop (fine, “soda”) – the only exception is when I’m drinking, and in that case, it’s now a Malibu and diet. I don’t buy junk food – this one was the hardest change for me since I heart junk food. I buy chips and salsa at the grocery store, but I limit myself to how much (and how often) I eat it. And if I buy a small bag of chips at a store I buy the baked lay’s instead of the regular chips. I’ve cut down my dessert intake. I rarely buy desserts now (out of sight, out of mind), but I do occasionally give in and bake some brownies at home (thank you for that, PMS.) I’m eating more fruit and veggies at home and at work. And I’m also cooking at home (and packing my lunch!) so much more than I am eating out. You would think that by making all of these food/lifestyle changes, I would be rockin’ the buns of steel and rock hard abs**, but alas this isn’t the case. But I have lost a lot of weight since college, so shove that in your pipe and smoke it, freshman 15!

And diets? Yeah I don’t believe in them one bit. A guy at my soccer game the other night was telling me he and his wife are on this “egg and grapefruit” diet for a year, meaning he can only eat eggs and grapefruits three times a day, every day, for one year. Wow, good luck with that.  Seriously dude? Just kill yourself now. Oh, and tell your wife that grapefruits are linked to ovarian cancer ***.

I know I will probably never be satisfied with my weight and I definitely know I will always have this love/hate relationship with it (I swear, it’s like my other boyfriend), but I suppose this is just part of being a girl. I mean seriously, are we ever happy with our weight/bodies? But I do know I love food way too much to go on a diet and I love cooking way too much that I can’t imagine buying eggs and grapefruit for an entire year (although think about how much money I could save).

*sigh*

C’est la vie.

* I love food so damn much but I hate the weight that can be easily gained  from it.
** In high school the BFF and I always dreamt about having rock hard abs and buns of steel before we graduated.  It’s now creeping closer to my 10 year reunion (gasp!) and I have yet to achieve abs of hardness and steel buns.
*** true story.  So if you’re a girl who eats grapefruit, you may want to quit now.  I’m just sayin’…