growth and passion

{{ This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt: One word.  Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word.  Explain why you're choosing that word.  Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? }}

 {via}

2010 has been a pivotal year for me.  Letting go of toxic friendships.  Investing more in healthier friendships.  Committing to therapy.  Getting back in the dating game.  Discovering my passion to make a difference in this world.  Learning what it means to live life on my own terms.  

How do I describe this year in one word?  GROWTH.

I was one of those people who thought I had all the answers.  I thought I could fix anything, do anything, and work through pain on my own.  But then I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor at 2AM on a Tuesday night in March, sobbing uncontrollably.  I knew why I was crying, but I didn't want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and fifteen years of not grieving properly for my father, had finally caught up to me.  I knew it was time to seek professional help.  I knew it was finally time to work through my pain and grieve for my parents.  It takes courage to see a therapist, and I truly admire any person who has sought professional help.

It's been eight months of therapy and I didn't think I would get here.  To a point in my life where my heart doesn't constantly ache over losing my parents.  To accept the fact that, yes, this is my life, and be okay with it.  I still have bad days and bad moments.  My heart still aches, but the pain has subsided a bit.  I still miss them, and will always miss them. I've grown tremendously over this last year through acknowledgment and acceptance and it feels wonderful.


This time, next year...

I want to be passionate.  About my career.  About graduate school.  About my friendships.  About my life.  I want my passion to resonate in those around me and inspire others to make a change, conquer a fear, and live passionately.   

How would you encapsulate your year in one word?  And how do you hope to describe your 2011?

on choices, grad school, and making my dreams reality

{via}

Going to college wasn't in my long-term plans.  I wanted to go to culinary school and open up my own Bed & Breakfast some day.  Perhaps culinary school and that Bed & Breakfast is still in my future.  It's simple - I love to cook. I love testing out flavors, ingredients and spices and find it very therapeutic.  After a really long, stressful day all I want to do is spend an hour in my kitchen and cook up a delicious dinner.

But culinary school was expensive and my mother worked at the University (which meant free tuition), so it was clear what road I was headed down.  Looking back, it was one of the best things I could have done for myself because I graduated college with a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, a minor in Criminology, and no school loans.  

I entered the real world shortly after graduation, accepting a position with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia.  In the five years that I've lived here, I've held four full-time, paid jobs, started my own nonprofit organization, and established a freelance writing career.  I have juggled between the decision to go to law school or graduate school or continue working in the Corporate World.  I didn't want to commit to law school if my heart wasn't set on practicing law.  When I made the decision to start a nonprofit organization, I believed I could do it with no experience, no budget, and just a Bachelor's degree.  It's been three years with my organization and I have learned that I can't do this on my own, with no experience and no proper education.  But I got sucked into the Corporate World, like every one else, and enjoy the fact that I have a steady income and am able to live somewhat lavishly when I want to.  

A month ago, I hit a breaking point.  I called my oldest brother and cried.  I can't do this anymore, I said to him.  I wanted to quit my nonprofit.  The one thing I have worked so hard on, with so much passion, and I wanted to give up.  I feel like I failed.  When you put your heart and soul into a business for three years and you watch it fail day in and day out, it makes you wonder if you're really cut out for the entrepreneurial world.

"You have too much passion in this to give up now.  Is this what you want to do?  If you love it, if it makes you smile every day, then do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.  Because the only thing worse than failing, is quitting."

So, I made the decision to apply to graduate school for a Masters in Public Administration.  Because I know that I can't do this on my own.  My desire to take my nonprofit organization to the national level can't be done with very little experience and no solid, related education.

I thought my entrance into an Ivy League graduate school was a fluke.  In fact, I hesitated to apply to an Ivy League school because I didn't think I was good enough.  I received an e-mail titled: "Congratulations!" from the Dean last week and I thought it was spam.  I know I'm intelligent, but I never thought I was intelligent enough for Ivy League.  When I opened up the acceptance letter from the University of Pennsylvania later that day, I realized it wasn't a fluke.  This is real.  Starting my Masters in Government Administration in January.  Re-branding my nonprofit organization to expand our cancer outreach and tap into suicide awareness.  This is real.  Making the executive decision to transition from the legal field into the nonprofit/government field.  Knowing how much I love helping people, how determined I am at making a difference, and how serious I am at changing and saving lives.  This is all real, and there's no going back.

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited at what my future holds.  I'm anxious to start grad school in January.  I'm excited at the opportunity of taking my nonprofit to the national level.  I'm excited at the possibility of managing a Government agency or nonprofit organization some day soon and getting paid for it.  I finally feel like I'm on the right career track, like I finally know what I want to do, and there's no turning back now. 

"To want, and to be ambitious, and to want to be successful is not enough; that's just desire.  To know what you want, to understand why you're doing it, to dedicate every breath in your body to achieve it... if you feel like you have something to give, if you feel like your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for, then there's nothing you can't achieve."

- Kevin Spacey -

giving thanks

 {via, yours truly}

for my oldest brother.  the one who has always guided me through life and helped me find the right direction.  the one who has provided me with more love and support over this last year, than ever before.  the one who nudged me to apply for graduate school to make my dreams reality.  the one who has always offered honest, valuable advice, even if I didn't ask for it.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my older brother.  the one who sacrificed six years of his life so that I could graduate from college, get a job, and move across the state.  the one who has put my needs before himself, to make sure that I was happy.  the one who always brings us together on Thanksgiving and Christmas, to continue our family traditions.  the one who is struggling, but won't show it.  the one who always wants the best for me, whatever that may be.  the 'glue' that holds this family together.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my parents.  the ones who gave me a better life.  the ones who provided me with a good education, good manners and kindness.  the ones who raised me right, who taught me the importance of gratitude, and showed me how to cook really good food.  the ones who put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and delicious food on the table.  the ones who told me to fight for all of the things I want in life, to believe in myself, and to never stop smiling.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.

This Thanksgiving holiday (and every day), I'm thankful for my family.  The wonderful memories I have of my parents, and the wonderful moments I spend with my brothers. 

What are you thankful for?

Life is beautiful

{via}

Remember when life wasn't so complicated?  When we didn't have to worry about bills, responsibilities or commitments.  When we didn't know what things like quarter-life crisis, commitment or depression meant.  When our imaginations ran wild and our big dreams and big goals got us through the day.  When we weren't dependent on schedules, caffeine, and e-mail.  When we could do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not worry about the repercussions, who got hurt along the way, and how our decisions would affect us later on in life. 

Life is messy and complicated. 

We struggle to make sense of what it means to be independent, financially responsible, professional, and loyal in life.  We struggle to understand the meaning of friendships and sacrifices.  We spend too much of our time waiting for someone to tell give us the answers, to guide us, or to tell us what to do.  We worry over the possibility of losing a job, being pushed into the 'friend zone,' being successful and knowing the difference between living life every day and showing up every day.

Life is stressful and overwhelming.

We make big decisions to open more doors for us.  We test our limits to see just how far we can push ourselves.  We make commitments when we know we shouldn't just so we can make others happy.  We make sacrifices because it's what grown-ups do.  We let things slip away in order to focus on the bigger picture.  Because it's the bigger picture that we're chasing - our hopes, our goals, our dreams.  Our happiness.

Life is beautiful.

Today I got a jump start on grad school - bought some text books and spent five hours reading, taking notes, and absorbing information.  

Today I was called dynamic.  Is that supposed to be a compliment?  I don't know.  

Today I learned that sometimes timing really is everything, and my timing sucks.  

Today I realized that I like the chase, but it never works out in my favor.  

Today royally kicked my ass in every possible way, but as messy, complicated, stressful and overwhelming life can be, it really is beautiful.

on learning to love myself

{via}

You can't expect someone else to love you until you learn to love yourself.

Simple, yet so true.  On a discussion of relationships and dating, the main focus was finding ways to love yourself after cancer.  Being single in a big city is tough enough, but being a cancer survivor and single in a big city makes it even more difficult.

My struggle with loving myself is difficult.  I haven't felt beautiful - inside and out - since before my battle with cancer.  I can't get to that point yet where I can look in a mirror and feel beautiful.  I can put all the make up on that I want, and wear my best "Saturday Night outfit," but I still won't feel beautiful.  

They say the best way to deal with any kind of pain is to work through it, but I don't know how to work through this.  I don't know how to make myself believe that I truly am beautiful.  I don't know how to accept the scars on my skin, my heart, and my soul. 

How do you learn to love yourself - flaws, scars, battle wounds and all?