the best is yet to come

{via}

In 2011...

I want to work harder at my relationships.  I want to put more genuine effort into those friendships that truly matter to me.  I want to build on the foundation that's already there - brunches, coffee dates, reaching out more - and make sure that the friendships I carry with me - now and in the future - are authentic, meaningful and satisfying.

I want to stop caring about what other's think.  It's a tough pill to swallow when someone tells you are going to fail at making your dreams come true.  It knocks you out for a brief moment.  For the longest time I've always cared about what others thought.  As I take my life abroad soon, I know that not everyone will support my decision and you know what?  That's okay.  Let them think what they want, I'm going to do it anyway.

I want to talk less and do more.  As much as I crave deep, meaningful conversations, I really want to focus on doing more, whether it's getting coffee while catching up, or going out to dinner, or just taking a walk.  I want to make the most of the three months that I have left here.

I want to believe in myself more.  I know what I'm capable of, but I have a tough time believing it.  I know I can conquer the world, but I have a tough time believing it.  I want to believe that I can create some wonderful life experiences while I'm abroad, but it's terrifying thinking I'm going to be miles and miles away from my comfort zone, family, and friends.  I want to believe that everything's going to be okay and I can do anything I set my mind to.

I want to laugh harder and smile more.  I've worked really hard over this last year to get myself to a better place, and I want to continue focusing on my soul-searching and finding my authentic happiness.  I know it's there somewhere, I just have to dig a little deeper.  

I want to spend as much time as physically possible with the friends who have earned a special place in my heart in this city.  I've had a few set of different friends since living in this city.  It's like I haven't been able to find that core group of friends until recently.  And yes, I'm sad to leave them, but I really want to make sure that the friendships I have can endure the time and distance.  I really want to put everything I have into these friendships while I'm still here. 

I want to open myself up to new opportunities, meet new people, and allow something - or someone - to change my life.  I build a wall around people a little too easily because it's easier than allowing myself to get hurt.  We build walls, not to keep people out, but to see who's strong enough to knock them down.  For the first time in three years, I opened myself up - honestly and genuinely - to a man.  I allowed myself to become vulnerable and uncover the secrets of my broken past.  It was scary, but I'm so glad I did it.   

I want to work harder at fighting for what's important, for standing up for myself when someone knocks me down, and conquering my dreams.  Never let someone take your dreams away from you.  I want to do everything.  Except, I can't.  At least not immediately.  My biggest dream right now?  To open up my own restaurant with my brother.  And I really believe I have the ability and determination to do it.  That's the scary part.

So, here's to 2011 and all of the wonderful, scary, terrifying, heartbreaking, soul-crushing things that are to come.  Here's to making dreams come true and fighting for what you want in life. 

Wishing you a wonderful 2011.  Stay classy and be true to yourself.

 

"don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be all right"

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

December 24th Prompt: Everything's OK.  What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything's going to be alright?  And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?}}

 

My plan was to ring in 2011 with good friends, re-brand my nonprofit organization, and start graduate school.  But then all of the shit hit the fan at once, and I found myself curled up in a ball on my couch, blindly staring at my television, feeling crippled.  I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere.  I just wanted to lay.  I haven't felt that type of crippling since June 2003.

My plan instantly shattered when my law firm announced dissolution.  I knew it was coming, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  We never fully prepare ourselves for these types of moments.  I didn't have a back-up plan.  I didn't think I would need one because I never thought my law firm would dissolve.  

And then someone sent me something:

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

 

I had read it before - many times, in fact - but this time, it really hit me.  Little bits of motivation and inspiration from a wonderful person to push me to continue doing what I do best.  That's what friends are for - to push you when you feel crippled; to help you in times when you need their help the most.

 

It was a small gesture with a powerful punch, but it was exactly what I needed to realize that I'm going to be okay.  I'm so much stronger than this, and life really does move on.

Everything's going to be okay.

 

So for that, I thank you.   

 

* title from Bob Marley's Everything's Gonna Be Alright

we all have to believe in something

It happened. 

I was standing in the kitchen on Christmas Eve with my two brothers, their wives, and my oldest brother's mother-in-law.  We shared stories, laughed and drank wine.  We celebrated an engagement, a new house, Christmas, and family togetherness.  My oldest brother asked me if I had decided on Prague, and without any hesitation I said, "I'm going."

I have never been so confident about a decision in my entire life.  No guilt, no regrets, no second guessing myself.  I'm still terrified, but in an oh-my-god-I'm-really-doing-this kind of way.

Eventually, you reach a point in life where you stop questioning your decisions, your abilities, and yourself and just do it.

People tell me I'm being selfish.  My oldest brother said he doesn't understand why I'm doing this.  Someone told me I'm destined to fail.

I've spent the last three years trying to make a difference in this world to save women's lives from cancer.  I have dedicated my heart and soul to helping others because it's just who I am, and because I genuinely care about others. 

You can't help others until you learn how to help yourself.

I've been struggling over the last month to put myself back together.  I spiraled into depression a couple weeks ago - something I haven't done since 2003 - and felt completely lost in life.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I think I deserve to be.  We all deserve to be a little selfish in order to live life on our own terms.

I haven't told that many people about Prague.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know what they are going to say.  Except this isn't about them, it's about me.  It's about rediscovering myself, uncovering a new type of happiness, and continuing to live life on my own terms.

"You don't have to understand why I'm doing this, you just have to support me."

My oldest brother doesn't get it because he spent nearly a decade in school to earn a PhD, and he has been working with BP since.  So yeah, he doesn't get why I'm doing this because his career path has always been shoveled for him. 

Not everyone will understand your decisions in life, or support the path you follow, but the only thing that matters is your ability to believe in yourself.  

And for the first time in a long time, I believe in myself, in my abilities, and in this.

Oh, the places you'll go

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

Today's prompt: Travel.  How did you travel in 2010?  How and/or where would you like to travel next year?}}

 

{photos taken in Pittsburgh, PA; Seattle, WA; Washington, D.C.; Honeoye Lake, NY; Savannah, GA; Philadelphia, PA}

I made a New Year's resolution three years ago to travel more.  It's the only resolution I've been able to keep.  I want to hit all 48 states by my 30th birthday.  I dream big, what can I say.  This year I crossed the State of Washington off my list, and soon-to-be Texas.  At the end of 2010, I will have visited 21 out of 50 states. 

In 2011, I'll be traveling internationally for at least three months.  On my list to visit are Czech Republic, Austria, Germany, Slovakia, and Poland.  I'm dying to see Paris, return to Italy, and visit my friend in London while I'm over there, but I'm not sure if I'll have enough time (or money!), since I will only be able to stay in the Schengen Area for a max of 90 days on a passport, and most likely won't have a working visa by the time I get kicked out of Europe. 

I'm excited for my traveling plans next year.  I really want to immerse myself in the different cultures and history while I'm abroad.  The first time I went to Europe, in 2004, I didn't really appreciate international traveling (mainly because I got sick the moment I landed in Austria), the cultures, and the food, but now that I've grown and developed my traveling (and food) palate, I'm really looking forward to this.

And if all goes well, hopefully I'll find myself back in my homeland in 2011, too.

a letter of advice

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

Today's prompt:  Future self.  Imagine yourself five years from now.  What advice would you give your current self for the years ahead?}}

{via}

Dear KH,

You're amazing.  The things you've done with your life and the way you continue to carry yourself - every day, through good and bad - is something you should be very proud of.  Very few people in life will be able to conquer half of the things that you have.  But while I can't tell you what's going to happen in your future, I can tell you this:

• You're stronger than you think you are.  I know you've been through hell and back.  I know it was painful.  But the reality is, it won't get any easier.  What doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.  You have to push through everything, one moment at a time, because what's waiting for you at the other end is going to be amazing.  And you're going to deserve it.
• Take care of yourself first.  You're the most important person in your life.  You have such a warm, genuine heart and I know you want to help others before yourself, but not everyone is like you, in the fact that they'll help you as much as you help them.  
• Don't be afraid to take a chance.  Whether it's on a guy, for a job, or for personal development - whatever it is, don't be afraid to do it.  I know you like routine, being organized, and knowing what's next, but sometimes life is about not knowing.  Because often times, it's the unknown that changes your life.
• Don't forget your roots.  Remember those people - and the city - that helped you become the sports-loving woman you are today.  Don't let people knock you down for being from a small, Steel city.  They're just mad because their sports teams can't win Championships.  Be proud of where you're from.  We don't call it the City of Champions for nothing.
• Don't let your failures stop you from trying or continuing.  Your failures will help you develop and improve as a business woman and a person.  You have to fail (and sometimes miserably) in order to succeed.  Learn from your failures and you'll soon become unstoppable.
• Live life on your own terms.  Do what you love, every day.  Stop feeling guilty about being lazy or procrastinating or not finishing something.  It's okay to be lazy, procrastinate and not finish.  Life is now about you - doing what you love, surrounding yourself with amazing friends, and finding your own happiness.  Do it.  Love it.  Live it up.
• Chase your dreams.  Every day.  People are going to tell you you can't do something.  Do it anyway.  People are going to stand in your way.  Knock 'em down.  You're going to feel like you want to quit.  Keep going.  You've already conquered half the world.  You still have the other half left.  
• Let it go.  Let go of the friends who have hurt you, the relationships that have shattered your heart, and the ones who gossip behind your back.  You're amazing, beautiful, and ridiculously talented and those three qualities will take you further in life than any piece of gossip, relationship or friendship could.
• Be proud of how far you've come in life.  Don't let your mistakes and failures fault you.  Your talents and abilities will take you very far in life.  Appreciate how hard you have worked and celebrate your accomplishments every chance you get.

Now, go continue chasing your dreams.

XOXO,
Me