unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

{via}

When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

I deserve to be happy after what I have lived through

 "Completion comes from not adding another piece onto ourselves, but from surrendering our ideas of perfection."

- Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, Mark Epstein -

The most challenging thing about therapy is breaking down the walls, uncovering your soul and exposing yourself (metaphorically speaking) to a stranger.  You have to be able to trust that they can help you figure out how to grieve with your past and move on to your future.  You have to be patient, willing, and open to new ideas, new thought-processes and accept the fact that their job is to help you fix yourself.  And find yourself.

From relationships to friendships to family to work - I uncovered my heart and soul to this woman.  I had to if I ever have a shot at recovering from what I have been through.  I told her things I haven't even told some of my closest friends.  I told her how broken and damaged I am - mentally - because I never had the chance to grieve for my parents or cope with my cancer.  I felt downright exhausted after my first session.

Over the weekend, I told someone that I had just started seeing a therapist, and he did the one thing I feared most.

He laughed.

He found it comical that I need to see a therapist because I witnessed my father hanging from the pipes in my basement with a rope tied around his neck when I was 12 years old; Or that for nearly one year of my two year battle with cervical cancer I was facing death in the eyes and fighting for my life.

Nothing about this is funny. 

I have experienced more in my twenty six years of life, than most people ever will in their lifetime.  I have been through hell and back and I'm still [somehow] standing on my two feet. 

I'm stronger than you'll ever be, I thought to myself.  It's not easy to ask for professional help. But it makes it much more difficult when I have people - so-called "friends" - in my life who are being unsupportive of my decisions and laughing at this.

My life isn't perfect.  And I have done some things in my past that have led to my damaged and broken life - but I know that I need help; I know that I need to talk to someone, to get this all out of my system in order to move on and be happy.

Seven years of unresolved grief, sadness, depression and loneliness.

I deserve to be happy after what I have lived through.

And I refuse to let anyone take that away from me.  Not now, not ever.

it's time to fix what's broken

I believe in fixing your my own problems.

Like how I bought wall shelves from Tar-jhay two weeks ago for my sex dungeon bedroom and I wanted to hang them myself, so I screwed holes into my walls without measuring the shelves to find out just how far apart the screws had to go and I ended up with one five too many holes in my walls but I fixed it because I'm awesome and you can't even tell that I totally failed at hanging those shelves.

Or that time I boarded the wrong plane because I was late to the airport  severely intoxicated (thank you, Mr. Lawyer for buying me shots of whiskey that night) and I ended up in Jacksonville instead of Pittsburgh because yes, I BOARDED THE WRONG PLANE and I'm apparently an idiot when I'm drunk, so I fixed the problem by catching a red-eye flight home. (make note of this if you ever have to travel with me and I decide we pre-game at the airport)

OK fine, that's not really a fix to my problem, but whatever.  I still made it home and it still makes an awesome story to tell.  You're welcome.

My point is, I'm a do-er, not a watcher. (TWSS? No?)  I like to do men  midgets  things, not watch someone else do them for me.  This is a result of my fierce independence for the last seven years.  I don't like feeling helpless, and I often feel that way when I can't do something myself or I need someone else to do something for me. 

I have been fighting a lot of internal demons lately, like my depression and loneliness.  I finally reached that point where I could admit to myself that I was depressed and lonely without feeling bad or suicidal.  No, I'm not suicidal.  (I can only imagine how many people are going to come across my blog when they search for 'suicide' or 'suicidal' on Google now)

Last night I kind of had my breaking point with all of it.  I've been trying to fight my demons myself and figure out how to cure my own depression and loneliness.  Truth is, I can't do it and it's taken me seven years to finally admit to myself that I need help.

My first and only experience with a therapist was about seven years ago.  My mother kind of forced me to see one because her and I were having a bad relationship and I was also battling a mentally abusive [which later became physically abusive] relationship and she insisted that I talk to someone.  I've asked my friends who have experienced the whole therapy-thing if it's really worked.  They've all said the same thing: the key to good therapy is finding the right therapist. 

I'm not the kind of person who talks openly about my life because I'm afraid of being judged or criticized for some of the things I have experienced or endured in my past or the mistakes I've made that have left me damaged and broken. 

I stopped seeing my therapist because I felt like it wasn't helping; she wasn't helping me solve my problems or find out why I was battling depression.  Looking back, I now realize that the reason therapy didn't work for me was because I didn't like my therapist.

For the last few months, I've juggled back and forth about seeing a therapist again.  In the back of my head, I keep thinking that seeing a therapist won't help me find answers.  What do they know about my life?!  But realistically, I need someone to talk to - a professional - who can help me sort through all of the internal things I am going through.

I'm damaged and broken and I need someone to fix me.

I finally made the commitment to see a therapist.  I have two consultation appointments with two different therapists (because I whole-heartedly believe that if counseling is going to work for me, I need to find the right therapist).  Of course no one told me that mental health costs so much!  Goodbye, $145 that I will never see again!

But in the end, it's not about the money.  It's about working through my demons and finding myself again.  It's about re-telling all of my damaging stories and experiences so that I can fix what's broken.

I just hope this works.

"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar.  It follows us home, it changes our lives; trauma messes everyone up, but maybe that's the point.  All the pain and the fear and the crap.  Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward; it's what pushes us.  Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up."

- Grey's Anatomy -