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When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey. I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity. I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States. Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void. I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.
I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness. Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?
At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:
"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."And that's when I realized: this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self. The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself. The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here. I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept. I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away. Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.
Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this. Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either. It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here." I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey. I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here. I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it. And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.
I want happiness, passion, and truth. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself. I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty. I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.
