"Nice to know you, goodbye."

"I believe you're a good person with good intentions ... but our friendship is just bad for me."

There's no good, easy way to break up with someone.  It's going to be painful and you're going to feel like you made the wrong decision.  But you have to rip off the band-aid.  Quick, and with one pull.

(TWSS?  No?)

After nearly two years of turmoil with my best friend, I knew we were headed down an ugly path.  After spending countless conversations trying to fight for our friendship and fix us, I soon realized that my efforts were going unnoticed.  It hurts when you pour everything you have into a friendship, day after day, knowing that in the end, that person was just taking you for granted.

I believe she was a good person - and still is - but our friendship was just bad for me.  I realize that we have just grown apart over the last several months.  We are both at different stages of our lives right now, and we don't see eye-to-eye on much of anything anymore.  She's not a bad person, she's just a bad friend.

"I thought I knew what it meant to be a 'best friend' and to have a 'best friend,' but lately I have realized that the label isn't something you throw around lightly.  It's a title that deserves to be earned.  And as long as it takes someone to earn that title, it's easy for it to be taken away from them too."

I hate labels and being defined by something or someone.  People in our lives - friends, family, significant others - should compliment us, not define us.  When I realized that my 'best friend' wasn't being a best friend (or any friend), I knew I had to cut the cord.  I spent too much of my time in therapy trying to find a way to fix the friendship, rather than finding ways to fix other areas of my life.  I was making myself more unhappy, knowing that I was holding on to a one-sided friendship.  

The act was easy.  The decision was more difficult.  Because this wasn't someone who had just come into my life and steered me wrong once.  This was a person whom I had built a 15-year friendship with.  Someone who had stuck by my side through the worst times in my life, who believed in me when I stopped believing in myself.  It's not easy to let go of a 15-year friendship in a simple email.  As I typed each and every word, memories flashed through my mind. 

"I wish you all the best with everything.  I hope you continue to fight for your dreams and the things that matter most to you.  And I hope someday you will find your own happiness."

I feel relieved.  Almost like I'm finally free and breathing fresh air for the first time in years.  And her reaction was exactly what I predicted.  A reply email telling me that she will give me what I want and not fight for our friendship.  That's when I knew I had made the right decision.  A small part of me wanted her to fight for the friendship because I wanted to believe that it was just as important to her, as it had been to me.  But when she said she won't fight for our friendship, I realized that we were, in fact, done.  I made the right decision and I have no regrets.  All I ever wanted was to feel like our friendship was something to fight for; I wanted to feel like she believed in me, in us.  But now I know. 

Not all friendships are worth fighting for. 

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

During my senior year of college, I interned at a Juvenile Detention Center - a facility for juveniles, aged 9-17, who committed felonies and misdemeanors and were awaiting a court date or a transfer to another state facility.  The Detention Center was a safe environment where juveniles enriched their physical, mental and social skills and the "teachers" (often social work aides) help prepare them for their future.  What I didn't know (until after I completed my internship) was that many times parents brought their own kids to the Detention Center - dropping the kids off as if they were take-out food - because they didn't want to be responsible for them.   

I remember my first day.  I was completely overwhelmed at just the experience of walking into the facility, having to go through four security clearances as cameras watched my every move.  And then walking down a hallway, staring at a 9-year-old kid wearing a bright orange jumpsuit, handcuffs, and ankle cuffs.  All I could hear were the clinking of the ankle cuff chains as the kid walked past.  The sight was just heart-wrenching.  Every day, for six months, I witnessed young kids at their very worst.  I listened to stories that made my heart ache for days and days.  It's tough to see good kids make a small mistake that sets the course of their future.  Getting caught for stealing a candy bar because your mother couldn't afford it.  Abusing your house arrest because you wanted to go to the library to read a book.  Children are supposed to be our future.  We're supposed to provide for them with as much as we can and set a foundation for them to live a life worth living.  

I met with and talked to kids every week.  Asking them about their goals.  Listening to their dreams.  Feeding them bits of inspiration to get them back on their feet after they leave the Detention Center.   What those kids didn't know was that they were my inspiration.  To make a difference.  To change a life.  To change the world.  Seeing those kids locked up in that detention center, knowing they had big dreams in life, knowing they have the abilities to make those dreams come true, realizing that some of them don't have the foundation set, made me want to make a difference, somehow, in some way.  We all want to be part of a greater good.  We all want to feel like our actions are impacting others for the better.  I don't want to just make a difference; I want to leave a legacy. 

My actions are small, but they're powerful.  I know I'm making a small difference in my community through my nonprofit, but my work can only get bigger.  I want to do something bigger, something better, something more powerful and rewarding.  I want to go to bed at the end of each day, knowing and feeling like I made an impact on someone's life.  I want to leave this world knowing my actions will be remembered years after I'm gone.

Follow your yellow brick road

    "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking.  You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."

We spend countless hours... days... even years... trying to find our own yellow brick road.  Teacher.  Lawyer.  Doctor.  Guidance Counselor.  We ace exams, complete internships and jump through hoops just to uncover a small brick in our road that will set the foundation for the rest of our lives.  We get to an age and stage in our lives where we begin questioning everything we once knew.  How did I get here?  What's next?  Am I really happy?  The Quarter-Life Crisis, as some calls it.  We constantly seek answers.  We constantly look for the next big thing.  We constantly turn our heads, peek through doors and search for that moment in our lives where everything just fits together.  And eventually - day after day, brick after brick - we lay the foundation for our own yellow brick road, and we begin to follow it.  We begin to see the twists and turns that we face as we continue walking down that road - illness, job loss, death of a loved one, a bad breakup.  With each turn, it gets harder and harder to stay on the road.  The turns become more sharp and more frequent, challenging us in every way possible.  Stamina.  Strength.  Endurance.  That's what it's about.  If you turn too late, you'll veer off course.  When you're lost in life, it's harder to find your way back.  

As you continue to work your way down that yellow brick road, you seek answers from people.  Strangers who don't know the answers.  Friends who don't have the courage to tell you when it hurts.  Family who may not have the heart to love you through all of your decisions.  But despite their flaws - and yours - you take those people with you, whether physically or emotionally, and you continue down your yellow brick road, determined to find out where it leads you.

Finally, you reach the end.  You face the toughest battle of your life, your own Wicked Witch: yourself.  Accepting yourself for who you are.  Believing in yourself when no one else will.  Loving every inch of yourself because you realize just how much you're worth and knowing what you deserve.  Finding courage and strength in yourself to conquer your dreams and fight for what you want.  And when you conquer that final battle, you finally see the rainbow.  It was there all along, just hidden behind the dark clouds, stormy days, and hard-fought-battles.

(via)

"Hearts will never be practical until they can become unbreakable."

* all quotes from The Wizard of Oz

We get to define happiness in our own words.

"And what happens afterward?" I asked him.

"We go back to doing what we did, so nothing happens." he replied.

It's easy to spot the seasons changing.  The sun sets earlier.  The leaves change colors.  The air becomes crisper.  Fall is right around the corner.  

For a while, I thought everyone around me was changing, and I was standing still.  Family moved away.  Friends got married.  New jobs.  New cities.  New relationships.  Yet, there I was, day after day, month after month, stuck in the cement, looking up at the world.  Wanting new changes.  Looking for new experiences.  Craving new memories.  I kept looking elsewhere, when I should have been looking at myself.

It's not necessarily that everyone else has changed; it's that I have changed.

New jobs.  New houses.  New friends.  So much of my life has changed and I didn't even realize it.  Until now.

"Are you happy?  Right now, with your life?"

"Yep."

"So am I.  For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy."

I can't remember the last time I said those words.  I'm happy.  I envied chick flicks and their "happier ever after's."  I wanted that Carrie Bradshaw ending, with the gorgeous apartment in New York City that she would share with her gorgeous man-friend.  I thought happiness was determined by a relationship, or a job or a stable lifestyle.  Happiness is determined by me.  And you.  We get to define happiness on our own terms, in our own words, with our own decisions.  We get to make the rules, eliminate the toxic stuff and keep the things [and people] that bring us joy.  

Back in February, I was sinking.  I felt like I was being pulled into a spiral of depression and I was afraid I wouldn't make it out alive.  I made the decision to seek professional help, despite what I believed.  Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  This time it wasn't about what I believed in, it was about doing what's best for myself.  

Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  Working through my damaged and broken past in order to get to my bright and promising future.  Forgiving myself for what really happened with my mother.  Accepting what happened with my father.  Knowing that while these life experiences are traumatic, they don't define me.  Allowing myself to cry, grieve, and be emotional when I need to because it's just part of being human.

I could have thrown it all away, right then and there in that conversation, for 20 5 minutes of passion with a boy who had become a big part of my life once.  The 23-year-old-me would have done it.  Forget about the after effects, the emotional pain and the damaging actions, I would have told myself, just enjoy it while it's available.  Of course back then I was so naive to think that someone could actually change their life for me.  The 27-year-old-me knows better.  Much better.  Those 5 minutes of passion aren't worth the hours, days, and months of emotional pain that follow.  I deserve better than that.  I'm worth so much more.

Looking back on all of it now, I realize I'm the one who's been changing.  Changing my wardrobe.  Changing my attitude.  Changing my habits.  Changing my underwear.  Changing my life so I can live it on my own terms.  Knowing what I'm worth and demanding it.  Not settling for something just because it's a convenience or makes me feel comfortable.  And it's one of the best feelings in the world.

"...take a look at yourself and make a change."

"keep what's real and lose what's not."*

"After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers."

- Veronica Shoftshall -

When I turned 27, I made a pact with myself:  live life on my own terms.  I decided it was time to stop settling, stop denying and start fighting.  Fighting for a life worth living.

Over the last week, I made a big decision to let go of my 15 year friendship with someone I once called my best friend.  Why do we insist on holding onto things [or people] that don't fulfill our lives?  Why are we so afraid of letting go?

Because it's scary to let go.  Especially of a 15 year history and memories that are irreplaceable.  But I realized over the last few days that I was holding onto an unfulfillable friendship with someone who I had nothing in common with.  In most friendships [and relationships] what keeps it tied together?  What keeps the conversations and dinner dates going long into the night?  Commonality.  Because a relationship - with anyone - won't stay in tact without some kind of common foundation holding it all together.  Be it blogging, sports, or a job. 

The only thing that held my "best friend" and I together was our tie with track and field when we were younger.  Now that we're older, now that we're experiencing lives on our own, I realize we have nothing that holds us together.  Not even the cancer advocacy.

The decision to let go of a 15 year-long friendship wasn't an easy one, but I knew it was coming.  I could feel it.  I had my breaking point over Labor Day weekend when she came to visit me and she spent the entire weekend being self-absorbed in her conversations.  I'm the kind of person that craves intellectual, deep, meaningful conversations.  On life.  On careers.  On writing.  On past experiences.  On relationships.  On how our lives are changing every single moment.  I never had that with her.  15 years together and not once have we had any type of stimulating or intellectual conversation.  I went on vacation with my two close girl friends to NY and we found ourselves caught up in deep, meaningful, stimulating conversations for nearly three hours the one afternoon.  We talked about life, writing, careers, roommates, relationships and suicide.  It was exactly what I wanted. 

Over the last several months, I have spent more time trying to fix my friendship than I have trying to live life on my own terms.  Not everything in life is meant to be fixed; not every friendship is worth saving.  Sooner or later, you have to let go.  You can't keep everyone and you can't save everything. Sometimes you have to let go of someone and hope they have the ability find their own way through life. 

* I wish I could take credit for the quote in the title of this post, but alas, I cannot.  I stole it from this girl.