I'm too young for this!

 

{via}

I attended a Boot Camp (read: very small conference) today, sponsored by the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation, to bring together young adult cancer survivors to increase action to eliminate cancer in young adults. 

When you get diagnosed with cancer, you feel isolated from the rest of the world.  Your family and friends don't understand what kind of emotional and physical pain you're going through because they aren't experiencing it.  So you naturally begin to think that you're the only one going through this pain and suffering.  You convince yourself that no one else out there in the big, big world will ever understand what you're going through.  And then suddenly you find websites like the National Cervical Cancer Coalition and the I2Y Foundation and you begin to realize that you aren't alone.

I don't really talk about my cancer with my non-cancer related friends.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know that they just won't get it.  You can't really understand a person's feelings or emotions unless you've experienced it yourself.  So, I save the cancer talk for my cancer friends.  Because they know and they feel and they understand. 

Today, I met two women who are recent cervical cancer survivors and we all shared our stories.  One young woman asked if we all shared the same physical pains - like bladder issues and constant back pains - as she.  I thought I was the only one, I told her.  We're never alone when it comes to cancer; somewhere, someone is experiencing the same things you are.  When you go through something like radiation and chemotherapy, you don't really understand how bad it is until after you've survived your battle.  Constant back pain.  Feeling like you have to pee every five minutes.  Ringing in your ears.  It sucks, but I hide it well when I'm around others because I don't want their pity (also because I'm addicted to extra strength Tylenol.  What?)

I'm too young for this.  Diagnosed at 23.  Trying to reclaim my life at 27.  Wondering if I'll ever reach that point in my life where I won't constantly think about my cancer.  Waiting to reach my 5-year anniversary so the fear of recurrence disappears.  Cancer changes your life.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  Gen-Y'ers have enough to worry about - jobs, finances, friendships, relationships - we shouldn't have to worry about cancer. 

I just hope one day we can find a cure for it.  And I hope one day I can reclaim my life.

time heals all wounds

{via}

Eventually a broken heart will heal.  Like anything, it takes time.  Sometimes it means having to hit rock bottom before rising back to the top.  But with every big experience in life, there's always a lesson to learn.

A messy, complicated, soul-shattering three-year relationship with a man who couldn't commit was heart-wrenching to get over.  Maybe because he was the first man I truly fell in love with, or maybe because I wanted what I couldn't have.  Regardless, that relationship broke me down and tore me apart, but it also helped me glue my pieces back together. 

It took me nearly three years after our relationship ended until I finally got my closure.  Accepting the fact that I wouldn't ever be good enough is enough to shatter any woman's soul.  I finally got it.  It was always her; I was just the string he wrapped around his finger.  Acceptance was the hardest part.  Because I wasn't just losing a lover, I was losing a best friend.  

Three weeks ago I sent him a final e-mail, forgiving him for our messy, broken past.  I forgave him for all of the things he did, the things he didn't do, and the things that shattered my soul.  But most importantly, I forgave myself for beating myself up over it, for the heart-wrenching pain I felt those three years post-break up and for allowing myself to believe that I wasn't worthy enough for a man.  Sometimes the most painful feelings are the ones we inflict on ourselves.  

It's been a long three years, but I know I'm in a much happier place thanks to therapy, self-reflection, and forgiveness.  Realizing that I spent two years chasing after a man who couldn't commit.  Accepting the fact that maybe we weren't really soul-mates.  Forgiving him for breaking my heart.  He didn't do it intentionally. Understanding how delicate hearts truly are.  Believing that this relationship made me stronger as a woman searching for love.  Knowing that sometimes the risk isn't always worth the reward. 

I never thought I would get here.  To a place where my heart doesn't ache, and my soul is being glued back together.  As much as it hurts, I believe that everyone should get their heart broken at least once.  It's going to tear you to pieces and leave you lying in a puddle of tears on your bathroom floor for days, but it makes you understand and appreciate what true love is.  

Because if you can recover from a broken heart, you can do just about anything. 

"So go on, go on and break my heart

I'll be okay, I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless" 

putting a ring on it...too soon

{via}

How soon is too soon to get engaged? 

A friend of mine proposed to his wife six weeks after dating her.  They were engaged for two years and have been married for 9.  The first time he told me that story, I was shocked.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe in savoring a relationship, and living with your partner before even considering getting engaged.  Because you don't really know someone until you live together.  I dated my college boyfriend for three years, we spent one summer living together and at the end of that summer I broke it off because we weren't compatible. 

I know for some people it works.  You get caught up in the thrill of the relationship and you rush into everything.  But even my friends who are now divorced say that they wouldn't rush into a relationship or an engagement.

A friend sent me a text this morning asking if I had heard the good news.  Considering this was someone I hadn't talked to in a while, and someone I don't really talk to often, I was surprised when I received a message.  

"She proposed and he said yes!"  

My ex-best friend met this guy on Match.com in July in Florida.  They went out on one date, hooked up that night, and the next morning he left for Texas, where he was stationed (he's in the Army).  They haven't seen each other since that night, although they talked via text message and phone frequently.  I knew she was going out to see him soon, and I had also known (through word of mouth) that she had applied for a marriage license in the State of Texas.  So it wasn't a big shock when this mutual friend of ours told me she had proposed to the guy and is now engaged.  

I suppose what I can't wrap my head around is the fact that she completely rushed into this relationship.  How do you know you've found "the one" after just one night of being with someone?  I don't get it, and maybe I'm not supposed to, but I have always wanted to believe that my ex-best friend was an intelligent person and made decisions that would better her life.  I can't support this decision, and I can't help but feel like they are headed for divorce.  I just hope they have what it takes to beat the odds.

a clean slate

{via} 

 "The world is but a canvas to the imagination."

- Henry David Thoreau -

I feel like I failed.  Spending countless hours working on something that I consistently put my heart and soul into, only to have it crash and burn in the end.  At least to me, it felt like it crashed and burned.  Wasted time.  Wasted effort.  Wasted talent.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have it in me to do this, but I'm sinking and I don't know how to stay afloat. 

I want to make a change.  I want my efforts to be powerful and effective.  I want others to know how much this means to me.  But it's tough to continue with those efforts when you realize that everything you worked on - and for - has failed.  

The decision didn't come easy.  I consulted quite a few friends and colleagues in the industry for advice and suggestions.  Frankly, I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want to make a bad decision, especially after working so hard for so long.  I wanted someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

It's back to the drawing board.  Again.  I'm having a tough time finding my creativity and motivation with this.  I feel like all of my energy has been sucked out over the last three years.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.  

When I let go of my friendship with my best friend, I questioned whether I would have the ability to continue working on our nonprofit - which we founded together.  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to truly let go of our friendship, knowing she would continue to be a part of the story and background with the nonprofit.  But the idea of starting all over again terrified me.  I'm not cut out for this. 

It's tough to find the motivation to start all over again when I feel like I completely failed at it the first time.  I know it's for the best though.  I know that in order to do what I want and get to where I need to be in the nonprofit industry, I need to start all over again.  New nonprofit.  New story (kind of).  Fresh start. 

I just hope I can do it better this time around.

on making it count

{PHL > SEA in March 2010}

In March, I went to Seattle to visit my cousin, Amoreena.  It was my first trip to Seattle and it was the first time in about 10 years since I had seen her.  Leading up to the trip, I was a bit anxious because I wasn't sure how the trip would go.  Would we get along?  Would the conversations flow?  Would we have much to talk about other than family stuff?

Amoreena and I basically grew up together.  We spent many family vacations together in Pittsburgh, Columbus, OH (where my grandmother lived) and Michigan (her hometown).  When my dad and grandmother passed away in the 90's, distance kept us apart.  We all got older, graduated from high school, went off to college, moved away from home and it just became way too difficult to plan vacations together.  Over time, it was tough to remain a part of each other's lives without feeling like we had to just because we were family.  Prior to my trip out to Sea-town, the last time I actually remember seeing Amoreena was at her mother's wedding in.... 1998? 1999?

We reconnected thanks to that evil thing called Facebook a few years back, and I will admit, I'm very grateful for it because it's allowed us to re-kindle our relationship.  But things are always different in person than they are online.  And relationships change over the years, especially from adolescence to adulthood.

My first night in Seattle we stayed up till 4AM (which was 7AM for me, since I was still running on East Coast time) drinking wine, talking, laughing, and doing a puzzle.  After that, I knew our weekend would be amazing.  And of course, it was.  Good conversation, delicious coffee (and wine), and spending quality time together.  It was exactly how I wanted the trip to be.  We created our own memories.

Tomorrow, Seattle invades Philadelphia.  My cousin has never been to the East Coast (shocking, I know).  We're going to cram a month's worth of activities into five days.  Wine and cheese night.  Game night.  Playing tourist.  Eating cheesesteaks.  Museums.  Playing at Condom Kingdom.  Going to a Haunted House.  I couldn't be more excited to spend time with her and show her my city and introduce her to my amazing friends. 

I don't get to see my extended family much so when I do, I make it count.  Because we should make every day count.  These next five days are sure to be epic and I can't wait.