{via}
Ever since I had that conversation and wrote about leading a double life, I can't stop thinking about it. Why am I doing this? What am I afraid of? What's the point? ...are the questions running through my head. I struggle with the idea that people - strangers, friends, random bloggers, acquaintances - could still like me (in whatever capacity) after I put it all out there. Being vulnerable is scary. I want to put it all out there without having people turn away or think differently of me.
I took a two hour walk around Center City today. I walked around Fairmount, Rittenhouse, and Society Hill. With coffee in hand and Pink's new song blasting on my iPod on repeat.
"Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fuckin' perfect"
I couldn't stop listening to that song. I still can't. The beat. The lyrics. She nailed it. TWSS.
Today, I had a moment. As I walked through Rittenhouse Park, after purchasing a new pair of Lucky jeans, and I tossed my Starbucks coffee cup in the trash can. The simple act of throwing away that coffee cup made me feel like I was unchaining myself from this city. Emotionally, I could feel the chains falling from my heart and soul. Everything that was chaining me down was slowly being released. And it felt amazing.
It was during that stroll through the city when I realized that I don't want to continue leading this double life. I want to put myself out there - honestly, and genuinely - without caring what others think.
"Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead"
Remember when I told you I was one of six Stratejoy bloggers? Well, this week we finally go live. And when I accepted the position, I made a promise to myself that I would write honestly and genuinely about things I'm struggling with, things I'm working on, and the hardships I've overcome. Friends and acquaintances who don't know about my struggle with depression and losing my parents will finally read about it. Because in order to find my authentic happiness, I need to learn to be comfortable revealing my dark and damaged past. I have always cared about what others think - Will they judge me? Will they feel sorry for me? - but now I just don't care.
I don't want to be ashamed of what I've been through; I want to be proud of having the strength to survive.
** Title and quotes in this post can be heard in Pink's new amazing song, Fuckin' Perfect.
