in the kitchen

{via}

Some people choose to go to the gym.  Or drink a glass bottle of wine.  Or hang out with friends.  Or read a book.  But when I'm having a bad day, all I want to do is go home and cook.  I know, it sounds so weird.  Work all day and then go home and work even more all night.  Sounds exhausting, right? 

I've been cooking since I was a little girl.  Both of my parents were ah.may.zing. cooks so they taught me and my brothers well.  After my father passed away, my mother went back to school to pursue a Master's degree while working full-time.  Clearly, this didn't leave much time for her to cook dinner for the family, so I stepped up to the plate.  Every night for three years, I cooked dinner.  While for some children it may seem like a chore, for me it wasn't.  In fact, it was something I looked forward to every night.  Creating recipes, playing with fire spices, and experimenting with bold flavors. 

My passion for life is in my food.  

I realized this tonight, after making three trips to three different grocery stores in the city looking for ricotta cheese.  Seriously, Trader Joe's doesn't carry ricotta cheese?!  

Tonight, I tested out a my own concoction for stuffed strawberries - ricotta cheese, cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla.  I'm sure there's a recipe out there somewhere, or someone's already thought of this, so I can't really take credit for it.  I never thought to pair ricotta cheese with fruit, but it's amazing how delicious it turned out.  This was actually a dry run for my big Super Bowl Sunday Brunch that I'm making for some friends.  I made two dozen stuffed strawberries and I ate all of them in ten minutes four hours.   

Don't judge me.

Earlier this week I also made Thai Basil Chicken with rice from scratch, and for the rest of the weekend I'm getting my hands dirty with a rosemary chicken & spinach salad, turkey meatballs (and maybe an attempt at homemade spaghetti sauce), and ricotta-blueberry pancakes. 

I don't use recipes because I hate them (I also hate measurements), but I decided to start writing things down so I can take credit for it in the future.  And for when I open up my own restaurant/bed & breakfast.

I dream big, what can I say.

Got any good recipes for me?  I promise I won't steal them.  Or at least give you credit for them.

Maybe.

PS:  Did you read my intro post on Stratejoy yet?  I'll be blogging there every Friday for the next six months.   Lots of delicious and honest writing.  Check me out, yo. 

"the world stares while I swallow the fear"

 {via}

Ever since I had that conversation and wrote about leading a double life, I can't stop thinking about it.  Why am I doing this?  What am I afraid of?  What's the point? ...are the questions running through my head.  I struggle with the idea that people - strangers, friends, random bloggers, acquaintances - could still like me (in whatever capacity) after I put it all out there.  Being vulnerable is scary.  I want to put it all out there without having people turn away or think differently of me.

I took a two hour walk around Center City today.  I walked around Fairmount, Rittenhouse, and Society Hill.  With coffee in hand and Pink's new song blasting on my iPod on repeat.

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect"

I couldn't stop listening to that song.  I still can't.  The beat.  The lyrics.  She nailed it.  TWSS.

Today, I had a moment.  As I walked through Rittenhouse Park, after purchasing a new pair of Lucky jeans, and I tossed my Starbucks coffee cup in the trash can.  The simple act of throwing away that coffee cup made me feel like I was unchaining myself from this city.  Emotionally, I could feel the chains falling from my heart and soul.  Everything that was chaining me down was slowly being released.  And it felt amazing.  

It was during that stroll through the city when I realized that I don't want to continue leading this double life.  I want to put myself out there - honestly, and genuinely - without caring what others think.  

"Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead"

Remember when I told you I was one of six Stratejoy bloggers?  Well, this week we finally go live.  And when I accepted the position, I made a promise to myself that I would write honestly and genuinely about things I'm struggling with, things I'm working on, and the hardships I've overcome.  Friends and acquaintances who don't know about my struggle with depression and losing my parents will finally read about it.  Because in order to find my authentic happiness, I need to learn to be comfortable revealing my dark and damaged past.  I have always cared about what others think - Will they judge me?  Will they feel sorry for me? - but now I just don't care.  

I don't want to be ashamed of what I've been through; I want to be proud of having the strength to survive.

** Title and quotes in this post can be heard in Pink's new amazing song, Fuckin' Perfect.

on leading a double life

{via}

A friend of mine joined Twitter the other day.  This, just days after he told me in a previous conversation that he doesn't understand Twitter or the sense of tweeting.  I tried explaining it to him, but I don't think he understood it very well.

"I didn't know you were on Twitter," he said.

"I am.  But don't follow me, because then you'll discover my other life."

"What 'other life?'"

"My blog life."

Confession: Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives - a real entrepreneur-by-day, hockey-player-by-night life and a blog life.  Except I didn't realize this until tonight, when I said it to my friend. 

Not very many of my real-life, non-blog friends know about this blog (for good reason).  None of them know that I'm a part of a blogging community and have met some of my [now] closest friends through it.  None of them know about the intimate details that I reveal on this blog.  It's amazing what we will reveal on the internet (via blogs), but we won't tell our real life, non-blogger friends. It's even more amazing at the number of bloggers who have formed real life friendships with other bloggers.  In fact, even most of my Twitter followers are bloggers.  

I got nervous when my friend said he would follow me on Twitter.  And then I [kind of] jokingly said that I would follow him back and tag him in every tweet, as my defense mechanism to get him to not follow me.  I feel like I'm living a double-life because my real life friends just don't understand blogging, blogger meet-ups, or friendships based around blogging.  It makes it very challenging to have a conversation about something I read on a blog when that person has no idea what a blog is. 

While I may not reveal my identity on this, I do reveal intimate thoughts based around my life events.  And sometimes I blog about my real life friends or conversations that spark blog fodder (such as this).   I reveal pieces of my intimate life that I wouldn't necessarily share with my real life friends because it's so much easier to feel less vulnerable when you sit behind a computer screen and type your words, than having to say it to someone face-to-face.  I've come to learn that not every one of my real life friends have the capacity to hold intellectual, stimulating conversations that I often crave.

Today, I announced (via Twitter and FB) that I am one of six Stratejoy Season 4 Bloggers (YAY!!!).  That means I get to spend the next six months blogging about my past, present and future, my Quarterlife crisis, and my journey to discovering authentic happiness.  It means being incredibly honest and open with the Stratejoy Tribe (and the internet) about my life - the challenges I face, the adventures I'm about to take, the bouts of depression I've conquered, the details of my broken and damaged past.  I'm incredibly excited for this opportunity, and to get to know my other Season 4 sisters, but I'm also nervous because once I put it out there, I can't take it back. 

I plan on sharing my Stratejoy adventures with my real life friends, in the hopes that they'll understand what blogging is, why I do it, and how it's become a big part of my every day life.  Because it's my outlet.  After a long day, I blog.  When I'm feeling creative, I blog.  When I want to talk about something, I blog.  I do it because I love it.  

Do what you love and forget the rest.

I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. and I need more clean underwear.

So, I'm doing this thing called the Joy Equation, and even though I'm only on Day Six, I already kind of hate it.  (sorry Molly!) 

I have to write every day, for thirty frickin' days.  You know what I say to that?

STAB!

I'm lucky if I remember to wear clean underwear for thirty days.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

I think one reason why I question this Joy Equation thing is because I'm doing these journal prompts and listening to these audio clips and I still don't see any results.

Confession:  I'm the type of person who needs instant gratification.

There, I said it.

If I go wrist deep* into a vagina project, I need to know what the result is going to be.  I need to know that my hard work pays off right after I am done.  But with the Joy Equation, it's a waiting game.  I write these journal prompts and when I'm finished, I'm all, what the frick?!  I just wrote for thirty-frickin'-minutes and I don't feel any differently.  The only thing I do get from these journal prompts is carpal tunnel syndrome** and I definitely did NOT ask for that.  I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to keep an open vagina mind as I am working through these journal prompts, but I get anxious when I don't see an end result.

Patience is a virtue.

I know change doesn't happen over night.  And I don't expect to be completely happy and joyous after I complete this project.  I know that a lot of my happiness comes from within and I need to figure out how to find that.  But sometimes I want to scream.  Like when I don't have clean underwear.  Or when I don't get an instant fix from my daily journal prompt. 

I just want to know I'm on the right track.




* have you read my wrist-deep sex story?  You're welcome.
** when I was little, my brothers told me it was "car-pool tunnel syndrome," and I thought it was a disease you got when you car-pooled with someone through a tunnel.

on expectations, happiness, change, and my 30-day commitment

"We are who we are.  People don't change."

- Great Expectations -

You can spend your entire life growing up with someone - watching them experience some of life's biggest moments - but it can take just one simple moment to question who they really are.  And it's in that simple moment that makes you wonder how well you really know them.

It's not about changing someone, it's about changing your expectations of them.  It's about shifting your focus on someone else when that person can't meet your needs.  And just because a person can't meet your needs, doesn't mean they don't care.  Maybe they just haven't grown as much as you have, and that's okay.  It's about paying attention to who a person really is and accepting them, because like you, they have flaws too.

I'll admit; I tend to hold high expectations of [some of] my friends.  Maybe because I have high expectations of myself.  I believe that people should always have integrity and strive to do their best.  The problem is, more often than not, certain friends are unable to meet my expectations.  And then that leads to, well if they can't meet my expectations, then maybe they aren't a good friend after all.  Just because someone can't meet my expectations, doesn't mean they aren't a good friend.  

Case in point:

Certain holidays are always hard for me - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  And my birthday.  (yes, that's a holiday.  September 3rd.  Write that down, bitches.  Send me vibrators and lube presents.).  My best friend, who has literally been with me through nearly every tragic event in my life, never bothered to pick up the phone and call or text me on Mother's Day.  I expected her to at least send me a text letting me know she was thinking of me because she knows my situation and I thought she knew how hard Mother's Day always is for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was upset because her action (or non-action?) showed me that she didn't care.

The thing is, it's been seven years and not once has she ever reached out on Mother's Day.  Why am I still holding onto that thin shred of hope?  Because I want to believe that she'll change.  I want to believe that she isn't the self-absorbed person she now is, and will continue to be.

I realize now, almost a week after Mother's Day and feeling angry and frustrated about this, that I can't change my best friend.  All I can do is change my expectations and shift my focus to other friends who can meet those needs.  It doesn't mean she won't continue to be my best friend, it just means that she doesn't have the capacity, as a person, to be the friend that I need on those certain days.  Some people just aren't made for those kind of things.  Eventually, you have to let go of that tiny shred of hope and accept that person for the things they cannot do.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  They just haven't grown as much as you have.

Lately I have been in kind of a rut.  It's been an emotional roller coaster seeing a therapist to sort out the emotional issues I have with grieving for my parents, the struggle I'm having with my best friend, and the recent situation that I had to experience at work.  I'm so glad I'm doing this, but frankly I've never been good with emotions (who do I sound like? *cough* this girl *cough*), so having these feelings rush out of me all at once is very overwhelming.  I'm doing this because I know I need a change in my life.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty and regretful about my past. 

I'm ready to let go of my past, embrace my present and smile about my future.  I'm ready to find my happiness.

Enter, Stratejoy and this:

I missed the first opportunity to do this because I had way too much going on at the time.  Well, I still have way too much going on now, but as Dave Matthews says:  

"no day but today."  

This my commitment.  Every day.  For thirty days.  No excuses.  I'm muff diving in and putting everything I have into it.  Because as Molly says, you only get out of it, what you put in.

For all you female quarter-life crisis'ers (sorry guys, ladies only!), I encourage you to do this.  I can't promise you it's going to work for you, but I know a few people who have completed this and said it's changed their lives.  And the best part?  Pay what you can.  Don't feel guilty for donating just $10 when this usually costs $149.  It's all about you.  Take that $10 (or however much you want) and donate it, but make sure you put everything you have into this project. 

Maybe you can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself.  

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy."
- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann -