on my biggest fear

"My biggest fear is dying alone."

...he told me as I was laying on my couch.  My heart stopped for a split second.  His fear was mine, too.  And it was comforting to know that someone shares the same fear as I do.  It makes me realize I'm not alone in this world.

For as long as I can remember, I've put up a wall from the outside world.  Most of it has to do with my trust issues, but another part of it has to do with my insecurities.  You probably wouldn't think that I'm so insecure with myself, but I am.  One of my strengths is being able to give blow jobs hide it so well. 

Four years ago I met the love of my life.  He was perfect in every single way except for one - his inability to commit.  Still, I allowed myself to break down and open up to him.  He broke my wall and I became vulnerable for the first time in my life.  It wasn't long after that he broke my heart to pieces.  I thought I'd never be the same after that.  I stop believing in the idea of falling in love and a "happily ever after."  I swore off dating because I didn't think any one could love me like he loved me.  I didn't want to allow myself to become vulnerable to a guy, only to have him break me into a million pieces.  

I was nervous going to Tampa because it would be the first time he and I would spend any significant time with each other.  I knew in the back of my head it would either make us or break us, and frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out.  Ignorance is bliss after all, isn't it? 

They say you find something when you least expect it.  Well, I certainly didn't expect to find this. Or feel it.  I've turned off any feeling I ever had for any guy in my past, present or future, so I forgot what it was like to have a crush again.  I forgot what it was like to let a guy cater to you because he wants to.  I forgot what it was like to have a guy respect you and value you for everything you are ... and even for the things you aren't.  It's easy to feel something, but it's hard to take that risk.

Here he is, a guy who is falling head over heels for me; a guy who would climb Mt. Everest if it meant the chance to be with me.  But I'm too afraid.  I'm afraid of getting hurt; I'm afraid of becoming vulnerable; I'm afraid of getting my heart broken again.

And it wasn't until he told me "my biggest fear is dying alone" that I realized something...

.....I'm more afraid of being happy with him than of getting my heart broken by him.  I'm so used to being in crappy, complicated relationships that I forgot what it's like to be happy with someone.

My biggest fear isn't dying alone.

My biggest fear is being happy with someone.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

wise words:

"All our young lives we search for someone to love.  Someone who makes us complete.  We choose partners and change partners.  We dance to a song of heart break and hope ... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."

 

- The Wonder Years -

the time I had a "strip-off" with a Canadian

Things I learned in Tampa, Florida this weekend:

• Drinking on the beach, listening to the ocean waves is probably one of my favorite things to do.  There's nothing more relaxing than sipping on a corona, listening to the waves crash and watching people walk up and down the beach.  
• I have a love/hate relationship with Canada.  I met a couple new Canadian hockey friends over the weekend.  One lives in Seattle and is from Nova Scotia.  The other is from Ontario.  Or maybe Toronto?  Anyway, I love when Canadian's say "eh" after each sentence.  I hate how loud and obnoxious they are when intoxicated.  I also hate how awesome they are at playing hockey.  My women's team lost to the Canadian bitches women in the championship game yesterday.  
• Having a "strip-off" at 5AM this morning with a drunk Canadian man is never a good decision.  Even worse?  When the drunk Canadian is standing butt-naked in front of a room full of fellow hockey players.  While y'all were sleeping at 5AM, I was stripping against a Canadian.  New low.
  
• Certain friends will certainly throw you under the bus or stab you in the back at just the right time (usually when you are drinking and hanging out with close friends).  Then what do you do?  Walk away.  You don't ask questions, you don't look back.  You simply walk away knowing that real friends would never do something like that.
• Trying to teach a Canadian how to dance is a lot harder than it seems.  Especially when the Canadian bounces up and down, rather than swaying the hips.  Clearly his hips do lie.
• First impressions aren't everything and people can sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.  I'm trying to keep an open heart and an open mind.  The possibilities are endless and right now, things are good.
• Staying up 24 hours drinking, playing hockey, drinking more and catching a flight home isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  I'm completely and utterly exhausted.  I need sleep and lots of it.
• It's tempting to move down to Florida when the weather is sunny and in the 80's.  Coming home today to 50 degree weather was miserable.  I like things hot.  Phoenix, AZ can't come soon enough.
• New Port Richey (where our tournament was being played) is NOT ANYWHERE NEAR TAMPA.  The 15 minute drive we thought it was going to be turned out to be about 50 minutes.  And it really sucks when you have to make that drive about 5 times each day.
• Ybor City is not as awesome as I thought it would be.  We went to a Pirate Bar Saturday night and it turned out to be pretty lame.  I was hoping for pirates and wenches and all I got was a $45 bar tab.

All in all, it was definitely an exciting, event-filled weekend.  I haven't fucked partied like that since Vegas.  Good times, good times.

moments

(via)

"Life isn't always easy.  OK, it's rarely easy.  We all face some pretty big "ouch" moments just by being here and it's not always easy to cope.  And, more often than not, it's the painful moments that catch us by surprise."

Yesterday was one of those days.  This week is one of those weeks.  A part of me wants to scream, but another part of me wants to break down and cry.  I can feel the depression sinking in and I'm trying so hard to fight it.

I miss my parents.  I miss them every day, but for some reason today - and all of this week - I have missed them even more.  I miss that unconditional love and support parents give their children.  I miss big family holidays together.  I miss the moments, the laughter, the love.  I try not to let this be a crutch in my life but I have days - moments - when I deeply and genuinely miss them.

I am trying to find the "good" in all of this, but I am not sure what good comes out of a child losing both of her parents at such a young age.  I feel like I have missed out on so much because I have spent the last six years trying to get my life together.  I'm still not together and I'm not sure I'll ever be.

Sophia Loren said it best: "Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now." 

I know that I'm a stronger person for having lived through this so early in my life.  I know that I'm a better person because I realize not to take anything for granted anymore.  I know that by living through that, I can live through anything.  But sometimes I just want a day - a moment - to be consumed in the sadness of it all.  Sometimes you have to sink to the bottom before you can rise to the top.

"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.  Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.  No one asks for their life to change - but it does.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you really are."

- Whistler -

"i'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes..."

It's hard to take your own advice.  I always tell my friends, "this too shall pass..." but it's hard to live by those words when something affects you personally.

It's a scary world out there.  I never thought I would have to live through half of the things I've witnessed or experienced.  I never thought I would have to worry about my job or paying bills or making it through each day in one piece.

My firm announced today that they are restructuring and downsizing.  They made it through the entire summer - when every other law firm in the city was downsizing - and now they decide to downsize and cut costs.  For the first time ever, I'm scared for my job and myself.  I'm scared of losing my job and having to move home.  I'm scared of losing my job and not being able to find another one for months... or even years.  I'm scared of not making it through the day.

I'm trying to figure out what my next step is.  I hate the feeling of going into work every day, wondering when I'll get cut.  I want some kind of reassurance in all of this, but as they have said, several times today, there's no guarantee.  

So now I'm looking for another job.  I don't want to, but maybe I need to take this as a good sign.  I've been contemplating looking for another job lately, even though I've only been at my firm for a year.  I just feel like I'm settling for this job because I'm making good money where I can live a comfortable lifestyle.  I'm looking at some Marketing positions.  Even though my degree is in Sociology, I have two years of Marketing and Event Planning experience just by working with my non-profit.  I suppose one could consider it "entry level" experience, at best. 

It's funny - I never thought my life would turn to this.  I never thought I would enjoy the Marketing field more than the legal field.  I always thought marketing was all advertising.  Now I realize it's so much more than that.  Perhaps I have chosen the wrong field all along.  I'm trying to find myself in this crazy, mixed up world but maybe I'm going about it all wrong.  Maybe I'm spending too much time trying to "find" myself, and I should just let it happen.  I should just "go with the flow" and take things as they come.  One thing is for sure, I really do enjoy working with my non-profit.  I really do enjoy planning events, working with sponsors, vendors and the media.  I love making a difference in this world, despite how big or small that difference may be. 

I just wish it didn't take me this long to figure it all out. 

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

wise words:

"Don't ask for an easier life; ask to be a stronger person."

when the risk is greater than the reward

{via}

They say you should never judge a book by its cover.  I believe that you should never judge a person based on what you see.  You don't know how much adversity a person's had to overcome to get to where they are today.

I believe first impressions mean everything.  If you can't hold a decent conversation or bring some humor or wisdom to the table, chances are I'm not going to want to talk to you again.  I want to learn something from you.  I want to know more about the person you are, the experiences you've lived through and the things that make you wake up every day.

I believe everyone has a story.  Some are glamorous, some are downright dark and scary, and some are inspirational.  But then there are some stories that come out of left field and smack you in the face.

I hate the title "damaged goods."  We throw those words around at people who appear to not have their act together because something, often a damaging experience, is holding them back from experiencing life in the present moment.  What we don't realize is that what we perceive to be "damaged goods" is just something that gives depth to a person's story.  A lesson they've learned.  An experience they've lived through and can tell the story.  Something that gave them enough strength to fight through it and come out on top.  It's the cracks, the chips, and the dents that make us beautiful.

The first impression was a good one.  Conversations flowed, laughter was had, and we just clicked.  I knew I wanted to know this person more.  I wanted to know what his hopes and dreams are, what his fears are, and what makes him wake up in the morning.  I wanted to know his story because I feel like I could truly learn something from him.

As you get to know someone, their personality really shines through.  They begin shedding layers, one by one, and you see them for who they really are.  Beautiful.  Genuine.  Caring.  Compassionate.  Yet, there's always that one layer that takes you by surprise.  It rattles you and makes you stop in your tracks.  It makes you realize that looks really aren't everything.  The person can appear strong and determined on the outside, yet weak and vulnerable on the inside.  Even the most beautiful people have flaws.

The more we talked, the more layers he shed.  His family.  His friends.  His career.  The basic layers you shed when you first meet someone.  And then it became personal.  Stories from his childhood.  Dark secrets.  An experience from his past that he's still working through.  A story that came out from left field and felt like it smacked me blindly in the face.  

I believe that everyone deserves a chance.  At a job.  At a chance to play the game.  At a relationship.  At a friendship.  At life.  We deserve to have a chance to live on our own terms, to make mistakes, to fall in love, to be happy.   

We deserve to take a risk in life, but what if certain risks are greater than the reward?  Do you still take it, knowing what the outcome will be? 

on career soul searching

On a rainy, cold night like tonight, I found myself cleaning my house, unpacking from Chicago, drinking some wine and watching a movie rather than spending unnecessary money at the bar.  At one point I think I stopped and said to myself, am I really staying in on a Saturday night?!

I've done a lot of career soul searching lately - in between the three jobs I hold, the events I'm planning and the moments spent with friends.  Yesterday my firm fired a secretary.  I don't know why she was let go, but I have a feeling it had to do with her lack of acceptable work product, rather than my firm downsizing.  Seeing her walk past my office, in tears, telling another secretary she was fired, really sent shivers down my spine.  My heart raced as the clock was striking 5PM.  Most of the big law firms in the city have laid of a significant number of employees.  My firm managed to make it through the entire summer doing well.  Now this.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shit-less going into work on Monday.

My best friend was let go from her company this past week, and another friend of mine was let go from his law firm on Thursday.  I don't know what I would do if I lost my job.  As much as I don't want to think about that, I feel like I'm going to be "on watch" at work now for god only knows how long.  And it doesn't help that my yearly review is coming up in November.

I'm starting to feel like I'm getting into a career-funk and I don't know how to shake it.  The two jobs I'm overly passionate about, don't pay.  The job that I like and consider just okay, does.  I've been there for a year now, and I feel like this just isn't what I want to do anymore.  But I know quitting my job in this tough economy right now is stupid.

I've thought about getting my Master's Degree in either Non-Profit Management or Social Work but I wouldn't want to give up my full-time job to go back to school.  At the same time though, sometimes we need to make sacrifices now, to get to where we want to be in life.  I just wish those sacrifices didn't have to be so costly right now.  If my non-profit could get to where I want it to be, then I wouldn't have to go back to school, but I feel like it's going to take several years before we are even at that level.  Time is of the essence - if I don't go back now, I may never.

I love working with my non-profit and I love being so passionate about something because not many people can say they are that passionate about anything in their life.  I want to make a difference - whether its by helping eradicate cervical cancer or helping juveniles get their life back - I relish the satisfaction of going home at the end of the day knowing you changed someone's life or helped make a difference.

I'm starting to wonder if I chose the wrong career.  I have spent 6+ years in the legal field and I don't think this is where I'm supposed to be. I've lost that passion I once had for this stuff.  I don't get that "rush" of working on a high-profile case anymore.  I don't get that satisfaction I once did of going to court.  When people ask me what I do, I don't tell them I work at a law firm - I tell them I have my own non-profit organization.  And for some reason, saying that (and hearing myself say that), brings a huge smile to my face.

I feel like I have lost myself and the person I used to be.

Or maybe I've just grown up into the woman I really am, and with my non-profit organization, I have found the kind of job I'm supposed to be doing.

"Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it


So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change"

on my next big city

“I told her stop trying
‘Cause the reason for your tears
Aren’t worth crying”

On a cold, rainy day like today I wish I lived in a more tropical climate. I wish I could wear flip flops and tank tops year round. I wish the sun would shine more often. I wish I didn’t have to wear sweaters and jackets.

Every year, usually around November or December, the bitterness of living in this city begins to set in. I begin to despise the cold temperatures, the fact that I have to wear socks and shoes, and having to dress in layers. Today, that bitterness set in. Living in this city is now becoming more stagnant and starting to become unbearable. It’s ironic because just the other day I told a friend how good it was to be home after coming from Chicago. Of course, Chicago’s weather is about eight times worse during the winter months than Philadelphia’s. And it didn’t help that it was cold, rainy and windy in the mid-west.

The more I stay in this city, the more I wonder if this is where I’m going to stay for the rest of my life. It’s scary. I never planned on coming back to this city after college, but … life has a mysterious way of working itself out. And now that I’m here, I like it. I’ve done a lot of traveling this past year – Vegas, Washington DC, New York City, Boston, Chicago – and I still have a few more places to hit before the year is over. I think all the traveling I do is what makes living in this city tolerable.

I’m craving something else. Something different. Something warmer. But I’m not sure if this is for real or just because the seasons are changing and winter will soon be upon us. I had every intention of moving to Chicago in 2009 but that was easily squashed when I realized that I despise cold weather. I have thoughts of moving to Arizona, California or Texas. Sometimes I dream of being “that girl” who quits her job and moves across the country to start a new life. But then I realize that I have worked way too hard to make a life for myself in this city. The thought of leaving this life and my friends behind absolutely terrifies me. It’s my friends and my social life that make me continue to live in this city year after year. But it’s my career that forces me to stay in this city.

One thing I know for certain – I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this city. I travel so much because I’m looking for something more, something better. I’m looking for my next destination, my next place to call “home.” I’m looking for that big city I can fall in love with. I just don’t know where that city is yet.

As the winter months approach, my need for traveling to warmer climates grows stronger. Arizona. Texas. California. They’re on the top of my list of places to go next. And I have a feeling one of those states is for me; one of those states will be my next home.

I know life works out – and most of the time in ways we just don’t understand – but I’m not a very patient person. I’m trying to focus on the things I’ve built up here so that when I leave, I can hopefully take them with me to my next place. I’m trying to find the strength I need to be able to let go of everything I have here and start a new life, a better life, somewhere else. I’m trying to let go of those who have wronged me and those who have hurt me. But most importantly, I’m trying to let go of settling for right now and accept the fact that I have better things waiting for me ahead.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I want to be that change.

And soon enough, I’ll get it.

“Cause this life is a beautiful one
And though I’ve seen it comin’ undone
I know most definitely it works out
the way it’s meant to be
So, baby, keep your head up
Keep it on the up and up”

the zsa-zsa-zsu

{via}

Zsa zsa zsu.  The unforgettable feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you meet someone you're attracted to.  It's the fireworks, the sparks, and the tingling in your toes.  It marks our friendships from our romances and our mild flirtations from our flings.

We've all experienced the zsa zsa zsu with someone at some point in our lives.  On a first date over stimulating conversation and a really good bottle of wine, or over cold beers watching a football game.  It's what makes us go back for more conversation, for more beers and for more attention.  To find out how strong those fireworks really are and if that person is worth pursuing long term.  Because we don't feel the zsa zsa zsu with just anyone.

It's been a while since I've felt that zsa zsa zsu with a boy.  Someone who can satisfy my intellectual cravings and physical attraction.  I forgot what it feels to be completely comfortable around someone.  To laugh from your soul.  To smile like you mean it.  To have your world stop - for a split second - because that person got you during the conversation you just had.

When I made the decision to get back in the game, I knew I had to give it everything I had.  I owed it to myself and the other person.  I had to start tearing down the wall, revealing certain parts of my intimate life, and just hope that he wouldn't run away.  Being vulnerable is tough.  It makes me feel weak and exposed, and not in the good way.  The problem with dating is that it's [usually] all a game.  Play hard to get.  Don't make the first move.  Wait until he gives you a sign.  We play off of the other person's reactions, words, feelings, and emotions to decide what to say, do, and feel.  Women typically wait to say "I love you" until the man says it first.  We wait for a man to ask us out on a first date.  Or to lean in for that first kiss.  Or to invite us out to meet his close friends.  We wait so long for people to tell us what to do, say, or feel instead of doing it, saying it or feeling it on our own terms.

"Is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu?"

It's a double-edged sword.  We need to feel something in order to believe it's real, but we don't want to feel too much, too soon.  We force ourselves to feel something that's not there, and to force ourselves not to feel something that is there. 

I'm keeping an open mind and an open heart.  Whether this turns into a real relationship or just a close friendship, I'm ready.  No expectations, no definitions.  Just present moment, laughing from the soul and satisfying my cravings. 

"if you just realize, what I just realized..."

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”

I believe that hard work pays off.
My parents taught me: treat others as you would want to be treated.
My brothers taught me to stand up for myself and never back down.

I’ve taken all of this to heart and it’s made my professional career very successful.  But it’s easy for someone to take all of that away from you in a split second.  It’s easy for people to knock you down because they don’t want to see you happy or successful.  It’s astounding how jealous some people are of others successes.  But what’s more astounding is how self-absorbed most people are.

How well do we REALLY know someone?

I always thought – “people don’t change, we are who we are.” But lately I’m starting to realize that people can and do change, and not always for the better.  Maybe that’s why relationships fail.  Maybe that’s why friendships end.  Sure, we can blame failed relationships for mis-communication or long distance or “growing apart”.  We can blame friendships ending for betrayal and deceit.   But as much as we want to believe we’re the same person year after year, the truth of the matter is, we are constantly changing.

Five years ago I was a somewhat shy person (shocking, I know).  And I never really talked about half of the things I talk about now.  And I didn’t really care much about my friend’s circle outside of the close ones.  And I didn’t really value family.

But now?

Now I’m much smarter, wiser and more mature than before.
I realize my family is all I have – they are the ones who will be there for you no matter what.
I realize that some friendships and relationships just aren’t meant to be.
I realize that there are very few people in this world that would do anything for me.
I realize that there are quite a handful of people I would do anything for.

It’s all part of growing up – figuring out who’s worth it and who isn’t; which jobs make you happy and which ones don’t; what you want in a relationship and what you’ll never tolerate.  And at some point you have to make a decision – do I hold on and accept mediocrity or do I take a risk, let go and hope to find something better?

One big lesson I’ve learned recently is – if you want someone done right, do it yourself. When it comes to business, I trust very few.  So many people do something to “get their own” or to take advantage or because it only benefits themselves.  I do it because

…it makes me happy,
…I want to make a difference,
…I’m standing up for something I believe in.

And I’m not going to let someone who’s self-absorbed and doesn’t know any better, to take that away from me.  I’ve worked too hard to get this far.

give me something to believe in
’cause I don’t believe in you
anymore, anymore