Follow your yellow brick road

    "You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking.  You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you run away you have no courage; you're confusing courage with wisdom."

We spend countless hours... days... even years... trying to find our own yellow brick road.  Teacher.  Lawyer.  Doctor.  Guidance Counselor.  We ace exams, complete internships and jump through hoops just to uncover a small brick in our road that will set the foundation for the rest of our lives.  We get to an age and stage in our lives where we begin questioning everything we once knew.  How did I get here?  What's next?  Am I really happy?  The Quarter-Life Crisis, as some calls it.  We constantly seek answers.  We constantly look for the next big thing.  We constantly turn our heads, peek through doors and search for that moment in our lives where everything just fits together.  And eventually - day after day, brick after brick - we lay the foundation for our own yellow brick road, and we begin to follow it.  We begin to see the twists and turns that we face as we continue walking down that road - illness, job loss, death of a loved one, a bad breakup.  With each turn, it gets harder and harder to stay on the road.  The turns become more sharp and more frequent, challenging us in every way possible.  Stamina.  Strength.  Endurance.  That's what it's about.  If you turn too late, you'll veer off course.  When you're lost in life, it's harder to find your way back.  

As you continue to work your way down that yellow brick road, you seek answers from people.  Strangers who don't know the answers.  Friends who don't have the courage to tell you when it hurts.  Family who may not have the heart to love you through all of your decisions.  But despite their flaws - and yours - you take those people with you, whether physically or emotionally, and you continue down your yellow brick road, determined to find out where it leads you.

Finally, you reach the end.  You face the toughest battle of your life, your own Wicked Witch: yourself.  Accepting yourself for who you are.  Believing in yourself when no one else will.  Loving every inch of yourself because you realize just how much you're worth and knowing what you deserve.  Finding courage and strength in yourself to conquer your dreams and fight for what you want.  And when you conquer that final battle, you finally see the rainbow.  It was there all along, just hidden behind the dark clouds, stormy days, and hard-fought-battles.

(via)

"Hearts will never be practical until they can become unbreakable."

* all quotes from The Wizard of Oz

We get to define happiness in our own words.

"And what happens afterward?" I asked him.

"We go back to doing what we did, so nothing happens." he replied.

It's easy to spot the seasons changing.  The sun sets earlier.  The leaves change colors.  The air becomes crisper.  Fall is right around the corner.  

For a while, I thought everyone around me was changing, and I was standing still.  Family moved away.  Friends got married.  New jobs.  New cities.  New relationships.  Yet, there I was, day after day, month after month, stuck in the cement, looking up at the world.  Wanting new changes.  Looking for new experiences.  Craving new memories.  I kept looking elsewhere, when I should have been looking at myself.

It's not necessarily that everyone else has changed; it's that I have changed.

New jobs.  New houses.  New friends.  So much of my life has changed and I didn't even realize it.  Until now.

"Are you happy?  Right now, with your life?"

"Yep."

"So am I.  For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy."

I can't remember the last time I said those words.  I'm happy.  I envied chick flicks and their "happier ever after's."  I wanted that Carrie Bradshaw ending, with the gorgeous apartment in New York City that she would share with her gorgeous man-friend.  I thought happiness was determined by a relationship, or a job or a stable lifestyle.  Happiness is determined by me.  And you.  We get to define happiness on our own terms, in our own words, with our own decisions.  We get to make the rules, eliminate the toxic stuff and keep the things [and people] that bring us joy.  

Back in February, I was sinking.  I felt like I was being pulled into a spiral of depression and I was afraid I wouldn't make it out alive.  I made the decision to seek professional help, despite what I believed.  Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.  This time it wasn't about what I believed in, it was about doing what's best for myself.  

Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions I have made in my life.  Working through my damaged and broken past in order to get to my bright and promising future.  Forgiving myself for what really happened with my mother.  Accepting what happened with my father.  Knowing that while these life experiences are traumatic, they don't define me.  Allowing myself to cry, grieve, and be emotional when I need to because it's just part of being human.

I could have thrown it all away, right then and there in that conversation, for 20 5 minutes of passion with a boy who had become a big part of my life once.  The 23-year-old-me would have done it.  Forget about the after effects, the emotional pain and the damaging actions, I would have told myself, just enjoy it while it's available.  Of course back then I was so naive to think that someone could actually change their life for me.  The 27-year-old-me knows better.  Much better.  Those 5 minutes of passion aren't worth the hours, days, and months of emotional pain that follow.  I deserve better than that.  I'm worth so much more.

Looking back on all of it now, I realize I'm the one who's been changing.  Changing my wardrobe.  Changing my attitude.  Changing my habits.  Changing my underwear.  Changing my life so I can live it on my own terms.  Knowing what I'm worth and demanding it.  Not settling for something just because it's a convenience or makes me feel comfortable.  And it's one of the best feelings in the world.

"...take a look at yourself and make a change."

"keep what's real and lose what's not."*

"After a while you learn

that even sunshine burns

if you get too much

so you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone

to bring you flowers."

- Veronica Shoftshall -

When I turned 27, I made a pact with myself:  live life on my own terms.  I decided it was time to stop settling, stop denying and start fighting.  Fighting for a life worth living.

Over the last week, I made a big decision to let go of my 15 year friendship with someone I once called my best friend.  Why do we insist on holding onto things [or people] that don't fulfill our lives?  Why are we so afraid of letting go?

Because it's scary to let go.  Especially of a 15 year history and memories that are irreplaceable.  But I realized over the last few days that I was holding onto an unfulfillable friendship with someone who I had nothing in common with.  In most friendships [and relationships] what keeps it tied together?  What keeps the conversations and dinner dates going long into the night?  Commonality.  Because a relationship - with anyone - won't stay in tact without some kind of common foundation holding it all together.  Be it blogging, sports, or a job. 

The only thing that held my "best friend" and I together was our tie with track and field when we were younger.  Now that we're older, now that we're experiencing lives on our own, I realize we have nothing that holds us together.  Not even the cancer advocacy.

The decision to let go of a 15 year-long friendship wasn't an easy one, but I knew it was coming.  I could feel it.  I had my breaking point over Labor Day weekend when she came to visit me and she spent the entire weekend being self-absorbed in her conversations.  I'm the kind of person that craves intellectual, deep, meaningful conversations.  On life.  On careers.  On writing.  On past experiences.  On relationships.  On how our lives are changing every single moment.  I never had that with her.  15 years together and not once have we had any type of stimulating or intellectual conversation.  I went on vacation with my two close girl friends to NY and we found ourselves caught up in deep, meaningful, stimulating conversations for nearly three hours the one afternoon.  We talked about life, writing, careers, roommates, relationships and suicide.  It was exactly what I wanted. 

Over the last several months, I have spent more time trying to fix my friendship than I have trying to live life on my own terms.  Not everything in life is meant to be fixed; not every friendship is worth saving.  Sooner or later, you have to let go.  You can't keep everyone and you can't save everything. Sometimes you have to let go of someone and hope they have the ability find their own way through life. 

* I wish I could take credit for the quote in the title of this post, but alas, I cannot.  I stole it from this girl.

a little inspiration

 It's never too late.  

To travel.  To move.  To end a relationship.  To start a new relationship.  To quit a job.  To build a friendship.  To pay off your debt.  To say 'no.'  To sleep in.  To stay up late.  To finish the last glass of wine.  To save money.  To splurge.  To get a new job. To make a donation.  To change careers.  To say 'sorry.'  To tell someone you love them (and actually mean it).  To laugh.  To enjoy one more cup of coffee.  To tell the truth.  To live life on your own terms.

Throw out the rule book.  Ignore what is deemed as "right" and "wrong."  Stop giving in to society's norms.  Make your own rules, decide what's right for yourself, and define your own norms.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed.  All we have is today - right now, in this moment.  

Make a choice. 

Be happy.

...because you really are amazing. 

27

Hello there, 27.

I don't like odd numbers.  Even worse when it's an odd-numbered birthday.  Odd numbers are just bad luck for me.  But I'm anxious to see what 27 has in store for me.  26 was a pretty good year of reflection, self-loving, and learning. 

This year, I've learned...

...Canadians aren't afraid to reveal it all in front of everyone.

...to embrace my fears. 

...that I'm fiercely independent, which is a really good thing or a really bad thing.

...people don't change. 

...that bad sex is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship. 

...second chances shouldn't be taken for granted.  They don't call it a second chance for nothing. 

...that sometimes people fall harder for you, than you do for them.  

...a dog really is your best friend.  And losing your best friend is always painful. 

...every once in a while, you need to do some soul searching.  Find out what truly matters, what you're really passionate about, and do whatever it takes to get there.

...that I may never discover the true meaning of friendship, but I'm learning what it means to be a good friend and keep those who matter to me a big part of my life.

...that hiding your depression and loneliness will catch up to you.

...to fix what's broken.  Even the strongest of people feel weak and vulnerable.  

...to take responsibility for your actions and the true evil of credit cards.

...it's about building trust with someone and find hope in something. 

...that one day [soon] I will get my memoir finished and PUBLISHED.  Hopefully before I hit 30.

...not everyone will meet your expectations, even those you have known for years.

...it's okay to miss your loved ones even after they've gone for many years. 

...to keep an open heart. 

...I will never ever understand things like suicide or racism. 

...I don't like the term "best friend."  It's a title someone has to earn.  And even when you earn it, it can quickly be taken away from you.

...first dates are everything.  


I'm determined to make 27 my best year yet.  Here's to even more soul searching, loving, and learning.  

Another year older, another year wiser...

What have YOU learned lately?