Friday Freakout

So you know how you're sitting at your desk daydreaming working and you can see something in the corner of your eye?  But it's like on your face? So you swat your hair away because it looks like your hair is in the way, but then you continue to see that strand of hair and you continue to swat at your face and your co-worker walks by your desk and catches you swatting yourself (TWSS. Awesome) and you play it off.  But then you stop what you're doing because the god-damn hair is annoying the ever living crap out of you and you realize that all of your hair is away from your face, yet there's still SOMETHING in your view.  And you go "what the fuck?" and you focus to grab that annoying hair and that's when you realize it's ATTACHED TO THE MIDDLE OF YOUR CHEEK so you start to freak out and you're all, "do I pull it?!"  (THAT'S what she said) and you think to yourself, well if you pull it, three more will come to its funeral.  But then you remember that rule only applies to grey hairs, not stray hairs.  So you pull that muthaf*cker out and you stare at the faint-colored hair you just ripped out of your cheek for three minutes and then you start freaking out more because you think you now have some kind of hair disease or something so you google "random hair on face" and you see something called hypertrichosis and you click on it and you jump in your seat a little because you see this picture:

And then you get the idea to send that picture to your friend because it reminds you of her a little, so you email it to her and then she sends you back a highly inappropriate picture, plus one other picture that you think is hilarious and slightly racist:

 (sorry had to make it large so you could see it <-- twss)

But you laugh because you're asian and you can laugh at those kind of jokes. And you're all "who keeps googling ugly asian babies?!?"

Yeah, that's how my Friday went.

on measuring success, survival of the fittest, choices, and never giving up

How do you measure success?

Ask me five years ago and I never thought I would be an entrepreneur.

Ask me ten years ago, and I never thought I would be standing on my own two feet, alone, independent and financially responsible for the rest of my life.

So much has changed, yet so much has stayed the same.  I'm growing, learning, doing and living in a world that is constantly changing.  I'm forced to adapt to these changes.  I didn't want this.  I wanted something bigger, better and brighter.  No one tells you how difficult life actually is.  Professors only teach you what they think you need to know.  Parents hide you from the truth because they want you to live a happy, successful life.  But sooner or later, you come across a life-changing event - one that flips your world upside down and rattles your core - and it's not about how that event affects you, but how you react to it. 

Survival of the fittest.  

That's what my Anthropology professors taught me in college.  Bones, fossils, evolution and survival of the fittest.  Because when you think about it, life is made up of events, situations, moments and feelings, and when you experience something that changes your life and rattles your core, you need to figure out how to survive.

I had a choice - sink or swim.  I chose to swim - blindly, without goggles and without a coach.  No shoveled path, no guidance, no hand-holding; just dive in, experience every single moment, and hope for the best.  For the first time in my life, I became the teacher.  I taught myself how to swim (figuratively), and more importantly, survive in a world that's always changing.  I taught myself how to find passion in something, work harder at what I want, and smile when I just want to cry.  I taught myself how to find the endurance, strength and integrity to continue running a business that [most days] is failing.  I taught myself how to love deeper, laugh harder, smile more, and stand on my own two feet. 

The moment you let it all get you is the moment you begin sinking. 

I've had more bad moments than good.  I guess it comes with the package.  I have days when I want to let go, give in, and call it quits.  But then I realize that by doing so, I abandon so many things.  I abandon everything I have worked so hard for, for the last ten years of my life.  I abandon so many people who have helped me get to where I am today.

It's not about giving up, it's about pushing through (TWSS) those rough moments and bad days, knowing better, brighter days lie ahead.  It's about realizing how far you've come [in such a short amount of time] and using that as motivation to push you forward to the next day, the next week, the next month.  It's about being happy where are you - right this moment - and savoring it, because you may never feel that same way again.  But most importantly, it's about loving, laughing, and smiling because sometimes it's those little moments that help get us through a really, really bad day.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life... but the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."

- Booker T. Washington -

photo credit

on my memoir. and a reference to gay men and anal.

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One of my ultimate goals in life is to become a published writer.  Sure, I'm a blogger for Brand-Yourself.com and a writer for the Examiner.com and I've got street cred out the wa-zoo it's all fun and awesome, but I want to publish a book.  Specifically, my memoir. 

So, I've been reading a lot of great books lately.  Like Michael J. Fox's new book, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future and Jennifer Love Hewitt's, The Day I Shot Cupid.  Both of these are amazing and funny.  I'm not a big JLH fan, but my BFF wants this for her birthday next month, so I found it cheap on Amazon and figured I may as well read it, right?  The verdict is in: every woman needs to read this book.  I mean, I hate all things chick lit, but this one is definitely  worth it because she talks about crabs.  The STD, not the food.  And yesterday, on a whim, I decided to buy Jen Lancaster's Such a Pretty Fat, and holy cow this book is hilarious!  

Note: I'm a sucker for really good memoirs.  Especially anything by my two favorite authors, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs.  Because reading about someone else's messed up life makes me think that maybe my life isn't that bad.

Maybe.

So, I'm writing my memoir.  It's been a work-in-progress for about seven years now (albeit slow progress), but it's officially crap and not something I want published.  Or even read by any of my friends.  

See, that's the thing about memoirs.  It has to be good.  Like, really, really ridiculously, mind-blowing-ly, "ohmygawdthatwasawesome"-ly good.  Whether it's about overcoming some kind of horrific, life-changing disaster or going from zero-to-hero, it has to be something your audience wants to read.  

And therein lies my problem.  

What do I have to provide to my audience?  Why is my story worth telling?  What can my audience learn from my book?

Absolutely nothing.

Sure, I have tons of crazy, drunken stories to tell.  Like that time I boarded the wrong plane and landed in Jacksonville.  Or that time I got propositioned for a threesome in Vegas and mistaken for a prostitute all in one night.  Or that time I had sex with a ziplock bag (no, I wasn't fisting myself with a ziplock bag).  Or that time a guy went wrist deep inside me to get a condom out.  But do people really want to read about that?

My current angle for my memoir is about how I transformed into [my version of] Superwoman by overcoming the loss of both of my parents and cervical cancer by age 25, and embarking on changing the world, but I realize that people probably wouldn't want to read that either, because it's just another cancer story and it's not like I'm curing AIDS or anything that a real Superwoman would do.

My flaw is, I feel like I have nothing to give people.  No one really wants to hear my story.  Sure, I've endured a lot in my 26 years, but who hasn't?  What makes my experiences any more challenging than your experiences?

I've always felt this way.  Maybe it stems from not having a close relationship with my parents, but I always feel like I don't have anything to give anyone.  I don't tell people my past experiences because it's all "Debbie Downer" and depressing and who really wants to hear about that?

I've wanted to write my memoir since I was 12 years old because I want to believe that I have a good story to tell and that maybe someone out there can relate to it or learn from it, but I don't know how to write the damn thing.  It's about believing you have an important story to tell, a life lesson to teach someone, an experience that changed your life that someone can learn from, and I don't know how to do that; I don't know how to write well.

Again, this all goes back to my #1 stunna flaw of feeling like I have nothing to give.  I also feel like I'm a terrible writer, but that's neither here nor there. 

It's hard to change the way you view yourself, and what you do, after so many years.  I want to believe that I'm a good phenomenal writer who has an amazing story to tell, but wanting to believe it and actually believing it are two different things. 

It's like hot gay men.  I want to believe I can change a gay man who is ridiculously good looking, to be straight, but actually making him swing on the other side of the see-saw is a completely different story. 

Good anal-ogy?  Ha!  Get it?  Gay men.  Anal.  

:::crickets:::

No?  Just me?

the four agreements

The Four Agreements:

Be impeccable with your word.

Don't take anything personally.

Don't make assumptions.

Always do your best.

The Four Agreements is based on Toltec wisdom and the ancient spiritual knowledge passed down through the cultural "masters" they call naguals.  The book is about grabbing a hold of your personal freedom that was always yours and using it to master your life and not allow others to master you.  By adhering to the "Four Agreements," you will find security within yourself and a better perception of the world around you.

When I first looked at this book, I doubted it.  And I may have judged it by its cover.  Yes, I do that.  Sometimes.  I also buy bottles of wine based on their labels.  Don't judge me.

After looking at it again, I decided to give it a chance.  Because we all deserve a chance.  The book blew me (TWSS) away.  

Seven years of hidden sadness, anger and grief has led me to inadvertently shut the door on certain things in my life.  Things that I may have once found happiness in, I had no longer felt happy about; things that I once thought were beautiful, were no more.  It was like someone stole a big part of myself, and rather than trying to get that part of myself back, I just let it died. Now I realize that this whole therapy thing is about getting that part of my life back, grieving for my parents, letting go of my past and being able to find that happiness and beauty I once possessed.

Be impeccable with your word.

Of the four agreements, this the most important one, yet also the hardest to follow.  What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?  It means expressing yourself in the direction of truth and love.  Speak with integrity.  Be aware of what you say and how you express yourself because it impacts you and others greatly. 

As we go through life, we are constantly influenced by people's words.  If the boys in fifth grade told you you were ugly, then you probably believed it.  Or maybe a teacher made you feel stupid and you decided that was true.  There are thousands of these instances where someone has not been impeccable with their word and we bought what they were selling.  We made agreements that they things they told us were true.

Think of how often you use your word to complain or express envy.  The idea is that every time we do that, we spreading poison into the world, and most importantly, we are poisoning ourselves.

So how does one actually be impeccable with their word?  Think before you speak and speak with integrity.  How many times have your words gotten you into trouble?

"You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love.  How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.  When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good, you feel happy and at peace.”

 Easier said than done, I know, but there's no time [for change] like the present.  But being impeccable with your word isn't just about speaking the truth, it's also about not always needing to speak.  Sometimes silence is golden.  A major step in learning the first Agreement is to also understand the second one:

Don't take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dream.  It's hard (TWSS) to not take everything personally.  Especially when someone's comment hits you so hard (TWSS), it's like a dagger stabbing you in the heart.  Trust me, I know.  I'm a very self-conscious person and have been known to take a lot of hits, comments and opinions personally.  

One thing I learned from reading this book is that every single person is living in their own little world or dream.  No two people are living the same world or dream.  Even married couples are living in different dreams.  When we take something personally, we make the assumption that the other person knows what is in our world or dream.  Even when a situation hits you so personally, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.  Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think really is about you, it's about them.  It's them being selfish and wanting to poison your own world.  It's about that person not being impeccable with their word. 

Don't make assumptions.

"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama."

It sounds so simple, right?  If only it were that easy.

Truth is, we make assumptions all the time.  We assume that we know how someone is going to react to to us.  We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful.  We make assumptions because we're afraid to ask questions.  How helpful would it be if we could directly communicate with someone and ask them questions when we don't understand what they are saying to us?

One of the biggest assumptions we make is that everyone sees the world the same way we do.  This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  We think everyone will judge us, criticize us, victimize us, and blame us, just as we do ourselves.  Before others have a chance to reject us, we've already rejected ourselves.  

So how do you overcome this?  

Ask questions.  Communicate clearly and effectively.  Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable.

Always do your best.

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

There's a difference between doing your best and being a perfectionist.  See, I'm a perfectionist.  I hate messes (contrary to how my bedroom looks at times).  I tackle a project and end up spending more time than necessary on it because in my head, it needs to be [and look] perfect.  And half way through, if it doesn't start looking perfect, I start all over again.  Maybe that's why I only blog like once a week - because I spend so much time writing that "perfect post."

I know that perfection doesn't really exist, but in my head it does.  Lately I've been trying to let go of "perfection" and accept the idea of "doing the best."  It's been hard (TWSS) to adjust to this because it means allowing a project to look or feel imperfect, however it feels more rewarding when I put my best effort into something.  

Actions speak louder than words.  We've all heard that before.  Always doing your best means putting your words into action.  Want to find a better job?  Do it.  Want to lose 15 pounds?  DO IT!  Too many of us sit behind our desks or computers because we are afraid of taking that extra step.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Do it.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love your life.  It's yours and you have only this one chance.  Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.  Feel, do, and say whatever you want.  Live with a purpose. 

"When you let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment."

 - The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz -

for Janet

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Today I lit a candle and I said a prayer.

One of my "sisters" is dying of cervical cancer.

She leaves behind a husband and two small children.

She was a remarkable woman who did remarkable things.

It's hard to believe six months ago we were together, laughing and smiling.

It's even harder to know that she won't be at the conference in Atlanta in October.

Today, I lit a candle for Janet.  

May she rest in peace and watch over the rest of her "sisters."

Blog Swap: A Himalayan Adventure

 ** Today is 20SB blog swap day and it's my honor and privilege to introduce the wonderful and talented Claire.  Claire is officially my new favorite Canadian blogger because she is awesome and says "eh" a lot.  OK, fine, I kind of made that up, but she is still awesome sauce!  

We decided to blog about adventures because everyone loves a crazy adventure story, right?!  You can check out my crazy adventure - and believe me, you definitely WANT to read it - about that time I got ruffied and woke up in a ditch...............in AUSTRIA.  **

I had been in India for nearly four months. I was traveling with my friend S and we were finally on our own. The first 3 and a half months of the trip had been a school trip. It was amazing. S and I were two of 26 university students who were traveling through India with our professor and his wife. We were traveling and we were getting credit from our school. We held lectures in train stations, on rooftops and amongst busy markets. We saw temples and farms and cities packed with more people than I thought possible.

There is a lot to be said for traveling with 25 other people. There are 25 people there to help carry your backpack when you're so sick you worry you might not make it. There are 25 other people to comfort you when you miss home and there are 25 other people to experience all the fantastic sights and sounds and smells with.

But, there are also 25 other people to consult when deciding on weekend side trips to the desert and 25 other people that you must endure while on hour 8 of a 15 hour train ride in blistering 40 degree heat (that's about 100 degrees F).

Needless to say, although our goodbyes were tearful, S and I were happy to be off on our own.

We caught a bus from where we were staying in the Rajasthani desert to Delhi and immediately booked the first bus ride we could that was heading into the mountains. It was hot and we wanted some cool air and mountain views.

After a hilariously frightening 8 hour bus ride (hilarious due to the sweet bollywood movies they played and frightening as a result of the treacherous mountain roads) we landed in Dharamshala - the home of the Dalia Lama.

There we met monks in traditional robes and shaved heads rockin' out with ipods, movie theaters showing the latest blockbusters (all pirated, of course) and endless views of the beautiful Himalayan mountains.

We also met Doug. Doug was from Vancouver and had just landed in India after extensive travel in China. He was traveling alone and in need of company. We were happy to oblige because Doug was one person, not 25 persons.

We left one afternoon on a walk. We walked through the city until we were past its outskirts and headed along one of the many paths that lead away from civilization. We had been told there were some neat temples to the north of the city and we were on a hunt to find them.

Even as we crept further and further away from the center of town we still passed lots of people. Although we were in the middle of the foothills of the mountains, we were not exactly in the middle of nowhere.

That is until we were in the middle of nowhere. We had been having such a great time getting to know each other and enjoying the scenery that no one really paid attention to where we were going.

This was a big mistake. In case you didn't have any common sense (much like us at the time) it is not wise to wander into the wilderness in a strange country without paying a little bit of attention to where you're going. Yeah, the paths may look well-worn and you may pass a few goats now and then, but it's still wise to bring a map or drop some bread crumbs as you go.

We were lost in the Himalayan Mountains. And it was getting dark. And S and I were with a strange man who we had just met the day before.

After nearly four months of travel, you'd think S and I wouldn't be stupid enough to make that many mistakes.

After we all had a minor freakout (which calmed our fears that Doug might be a crazy man cause he was just as scared as we were), we started walking. We walked vaguely in the direction we thought we had come, making somewhat educated guesses when we came to forks in the path, we eventually ended up back at our hostel.

Although we may have walked the last little bit in the lingering light of evening grasping each others' hands for fear of the Himalayan boogymen, we made it.

We all feasted that night on delicious momos (Tibetan dumplings) and bad Indian beer. I think we deserved it!

wise words:

"In your life you meet people.  Some you never think about again.  Some, you wonder what happened to them.  There are some you wonder if they think about you.  And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again ... but you do."

- The Wonder Years -

trust and hope

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Trust.

A simple word with substantial meaning. 

For years, I've struggled with it. Even now, I still do.

I trusted my college boyfriend when he said he loved me and he cared about me, but then he cheated on me.  Twice.  With two different girls.  Then I trusted that he would protect me - like any boyfriend would protect his girlfriend - but he physically abused me.  So, I left him.

I've never been in a healthy relationship.  I'm sure it's odd since I've had three serious relationships and I've dated a handful of guys - but I can't say that of those three, any of them were healthy.  I just don't know what a healthy relationship is.  Maybe that's why I question whether true love really exists.

I trusted my best friend of 14 years to be my best friend and love and support me, even during my darkest days.  14 years of a friendship and I can't even trust her to listen to me when I need her to.  I can't trust her with much of my life anymore.  So I've stopped depending on her and sharing certain parts of my life with her.

Friendships are a two-way street.  You have to put into it just as much as the other person does, in order for it to last.  For the last decade or so, I've been putting everything I have into that friendship and getting very little in return.  Some people just don't know how to be concerned with anything except themselves.  It's taken me 14 years to realize just how self absorbed and self-centered my "best friend" really is.  And I realize, perhaps a little too late, that some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

I trusted myself to make the right decisions that would lead me to a successful career and happiness.  Most days I feel like I'm failing at everything.

Life isn't ever what you dreamed it would be.  You have to work hard at everything - friendships, relationships, jobs, sports, dieting, exercising - everything.  My biggest flaw is being too hard on myself.  With everything I do.  I can't help it.  I want perfection.  I know it doesn't exist, but a girl can still hope.  Hope [and faith] is what gets me through each and every day.  

I want to be more trusting, but I am afraid of becoming too vulnerable.  I keep [most] people at a distance because I don't appear vulnerable to them.  When you're vulnerable, they can take advantage.  I want to seem strong, independent and determined.

I started seeing a therapist (one that I actually like) because I need to put myself back together again.  I need to feel whole and complete.  I tend to lose track of myself because I get so concerned with others.  I hide my emotions because I don't want to appear vulnerable and weak to others.  I don't discuss the intricate details of my life openly because I'm afraid of the judgment, criticism and sympathy that someone will give me.  Even though I seem strong, independent, determined and focused, I'm also emotional and vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it's all about me.

I need to be more trusting [in others] and more believing [in myself].  I need to let go of that which I cannot control and let others lead their own path.  I need to be more accepting of myself and believe that I really will conquer this world one day.  But most importantly, I need to continue to have hope and faith, each and every day.

Sometimes hope is all we have left in this world to keep on living.

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