on choices, grad school, and making my dreams reality

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Going to college wasn't in my long-term plans.  I wanted to go to culinary school and open up my own Bed & Breakfast some day.  Perhaps culinary school and that Bed & Breakfast is still in my future.  It's simple - I love to cook. I love testing out flavors, ingredients and spices and find it very therapeutic.  After a really long, stressful day all I want to do is spend an hour in my kitchen and cook up a delicious dinner.

But culinary school was expensive and my mother worked at the University (which meant free tuition), so it was clear what road I was headed down.  Looking back, it was one of the best things I could have done for myself because I graduated college with a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology, a minor in Criminology, and no school loans.  

I entered the real world shortly after graduation, accepting a position with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia.  In the five years that I've lived here, I've held four full-time, paid jobs, started my own nonprofit organization, and established a freelance writing career.  I have juggled between the decision to go to law school or graduate school or continue working in the Corporate World.  I didn't want to commit to law school if my heart wasn't set on practicing law.  When I made the decision to start a nonprofit organization, I believed I could do it with no experience, no budget, and just a Bachelor's degree.  It's been three years with my organization and I have learned that I can't do this on my own, with no experience and no proper education.  But I got sucked into the Corporate World, like every one else, and enjoy the fact that I have a steady income and am able to live somewhat lavishly when I want to.  

A month ago, I hit a breaking point.  I called my oldest brother and cried.  I can't do this anymore, I said to him.  I wanted to quit my nonprofit.  The one thing I have worked so hard on, with so much passion, and I wanted to give up.  I feel like I failed.  When you put your heart and soul into a business for three years and you watch it fail day in and day out, it makes you wonder if you're really cut out for the entrepreneurial world.

"You have too much passion in this to give up now.  Is this what you want to do?  If you love it, if it makes you smile every day, then do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality.  Because the only thing worse than failing, is quitting."

So, I made the decision to apply to graduate school for a Masters in Public Administration.  Because I know that I can't do this on my own.  My desire to take my nonprofit organization to the national level can't be done with very little experience and no solid, related education.

I thought my entrance into an Ivy League graduate school was a fluke.  In fact, I hesitated to apply to an Ivy League school because I didn't think I was good enough.  I received an e-mail titled: "Congratulations!" from the Dean last week and I thought it was spam.  I know I'm intelligent, but I never thought I was intelligent enough for Ivy League.  When I opened up the acceptance letter from the University of Pennsylvania later that day, I realized it wasn't a fluke.  This is real.  Starting my Masters in Government Administration in January.  Re-branding my nonprofit organization to expand our cancer outreach and tap into suicide awareness.  This is real.  Making the executive decision to transition from the legal field into the nonprofit/government field.  Knowing how much I love helping people, how determined I am at making a difference, and how serious I am at changing and saving lives.  This is all real, and there's no going back.

For the first time in a long time, I'm excited at what my future holds.  I'm anxious to start grad school in January.  I'm excited at the opportunity of taking my nonprofit to the national level.  I'm excited at the possibility of managing a Government agency or nonprofit organization some day soon and getting paid for it.  I finally feel like I'm on the right career track, like I finally know what I want to do, and there's no turning back now. 

"To want, and to be ambitious, and to want to be successful is not enough; that's just desire.  To know what you want, to understand why you're doing it, to dedicate every breath in your body to achieve it... if you feel like you have something to give, if you feel like your particular talent is worth developing, is worth caring for, then there's nothing you can't achieve."

- Kevin Spacey -

giving thanks

 {via, yours truly}

for my oldest brother.  the one who has always guided me through life and helped me find the right direction.  the one who has provided me with more love and support over this last year, than ever before.  the one who nudged me to apply for graduate school to make my dreams reality.  the one who has always offered honest, valuable advice, even if I didn't ask for it.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my older brother.  the one who sacrificed six years of his life so that I could graduate from college, get a job, and move across the state.  the one who has put my needs before himself, to make sure that I was happy.  the one who always brings us together on Thanksgiving and Christmas, to continue our family traditions.  the one who is struggling, but won't show it.  the one who always wants the best for me, whatever that may be.  the 'glue' that holds this family together.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.


for my parents.  the ones who gave me a better life.  the ones who provided me with a good education, good manners and kindness.  the ones who raised me right, who taught me the importance of gratitude, and showed me how to cook really good food.  the ones who put clothes on my back, a roof over my head, and delicious food on the table.  the ones who told me to fight for all of the things I want in life, to believe in myself, and to never stop smiling.  for all of this and more, I'm so thankful.

This Thanksgiving holiday (and every day), I'm thankful for my family.  The wonderful memories I have of my parents, and the wonderful moments I spend with my brothers. 

What are you thankful for?

Life is beautiful

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Remember when life wasn't so complicated?  When we didn't have to worry about bills, responsibilities or commitments.  When we didn't know what things like quarter-life crisis, commitment or depression meant.  When our imaginations ran wild and our big dreams and big goals got us through the day.  When we weren't dependent on schedules, caffeine, and e-mail.  When we could do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not worry about the repercussions, who got hurt along the way, and how our decisions would affect us later on in life. 

Life is messy and complicated. 

We struggle to make sense of what it means to be independent, financially responsible, professional, and loyal in life.  We struggle to understand the meaning of friendships and sacrifices.  We spend too much of our time waiting for someone to tell give us the answers, to guide us, or to tell us what to do.  We worry over the possibility of losing a job, being pushed into the 'friend zone,' being successful and knowing the difference between living life every day and showing up every day.

Life is stressful and overwhelming.

We make big decisions to open more doors for us.  We test our limits to see just how far we can push ourselves.  We make commitments when we know we shouldn't just so we can make others happy.  We make sacrifices because it's what grown-ups do.  We let things slip away in order to focus on the bigger picture.  Because it's the bigger picture that we're chasing - our hopes, our goals, our dreams.  Our happiness.

Life is beautiful.

Today I got a jump start on grad school - bought some text books and spent five hours reading, taking notes, and absorbing information.  

Today I was called dynamic.  Is that supposed to be a compliment?  I don't know.  

Today I learned that sometimes timing really is everything, and my timing sucks.  

Today I realized that I like the chase, but it never works out in my favor.  

Today royally kicked my ass in every possible way, but as messy, complicated, stressful and overwhelming life can be, it really is beautiful.

on learning to love myself

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You can't expect someone else to love you until you learn to love yourself.

Simple, yet so true.  On a discussion of relationships and dating, the main focus was finding ways to love yourself after cancer.  Being single in a big city is tough enough, but being a cancer survivor and single in a big city makes it even more difficult.

My struggle with loving myself is difficult.  I haven't felt beautiful - inside and out - since before my battle with cancer.  I can't get to that point yet where I can look in a mirror and feel beautiful.  I can put all the make up on that I want, and wear my best "Saturday Night outfit," but I still won't feel beautiful.  

They say the best way to deal with any kind of pain is to work through it, but I don't know how to work through this.  I don't know how to make myself believe that I truly am beautiful.  I don't know how to accept the scars on my skin, my heart, and my soul. 

How do you learn to love yourself - flaws, scars, battle wounds and all?

I'm too young for this!

 

{via}

I attended a Boot Camp (read: very small conference) today, sponsored by the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation, to bring together young adult cancer survivors to increase action to eliminate cancer in young adults. 

When you get diagnosed with cancer, you feel isolated from the rest of the world.  Your family and friends don't understand what kind of emotional and physical pain you're going through because they aren't experiencing it.  So you naturally begin to think that you're the only one going through this pain and suffering.  You convince yourself that no one else out there in the big, big world will ever understand what you're going through.  And then suddenly you find websites like the National Cervical Cancer Coalition and the I2Y Foundation and you begin to realize that you aren't alone.

I don't really talk about my cancer with my non-cancer related friends.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know that they just won't get it.  You can't really understand a person's feelings or emotions unless you've experienced it yourself.  So, I save the cancer talk for my cancer friends.  Because they know and they feel and they understand. 

Today, I met two women who are recent cervical cancer survivors and we all shared our stories.  One young woman asked if we all shared the same physical pains - like bladder issues and constant back pains - as she.  I thought I was the only one, I told her.  We're never alone when it comes to cancer; somewhere, someone is experiencing the same things you are.  When you go through something like radiation and chemotherapy, you don't really understand how bad it is until after you've survived your battle.  Constant back pain.  Feeling like you have to pee every five minutes.  Ringing in your ears.  It sucks, but I hide it well when I'm around others because I don't want their pity (also because I'm addicted to extra strength Tylenol.  What?)

I'm too young for this.  Diagnosed at 23.  Trying to reclaim my life at 27.  Wondering if I'll ever reach that point in my life where I won't constantly think about my cancer.  Waiting to reach my 5-year anniversary so the fear of recurrence disappears.  Cancer changes your life.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Mentally.  Gen-Y'ers have enough to worry about - jobs, finances, friendships, relationships - we shouldn't have to worry about cancer. 

I just hope one day we can find a cure for it.  And I hope one day I can reclaim my life.

time heals all wounds

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Eventually a broken heart will heal.  Like anything, it takes time.  Sometimes it means having to hit rock bottom before rising back to the top.  But with every big experience in life, there's always a lesson to learn.

A messy, complicated, soul-shattering three-year relationship with a man who couldn't commit was heart-wrenching to get over.  Maybe because he was the first man I truly fell in love with, or maybe because I wanted what I couldn't have.  Regardless, that relationship broke me down and tore me apart, but it also helped me glue my pieces back together. 

It took me nearly three years after our relationship ended until I finally got my closure.  Accepting the fact that I wouldn't ever be good enough is enough to shatter any woman's soul.  I finally got it.  It was always her; I was just the string he wrapped around his finger.  Acceptance was the hardest part.  Because I wasn't just losing a lover, I was losing a best friend.  

Three weeks ago I sent him a final e-mail, forgiving him for our messy, broken past.  I forgave him for all of the things he did, the things he didn't do, and the things that shattered my soul.  But most importantly, I forgave myself for beating myself up over it, for the heart-wrenching pain I felt those three years post-break up and for allowing myself to believe that I wasn't worthy enough for a man.  Sometimes the most painful feelings are the ones we inflict on ourselves.  

It's been a long three years, but I know I'm in a much happier place thanks to therapy, self-reflection, and forgiveness.  Realizing that I spent two years chasing after a man who couldn't commit.  Accepting the fact that maybe we weren't really soul-mates.  Forgiving him for breaking my heart.  He didn't do it intentionally. Understanding how delicate hearts truly are.  Believing that this relationship made me stronger as a woman searching for love.  Knowing that sometimes the risk isn't always worth the reward. 

I never thought I would get here.  To a place where my heart doesn't ache, and my soul is being glued back together.  As much as it hurts, I believe that everyone should get their heart broken at least once.  It's going to tear you to pieces and leave you lying in a puddle of tears on your bathroom floor for days, but it makes you understand and appreciate what true love is.  

Because if you can recover from a broken heart, you can do just about anything. 

"So go on, go on and break my heart

I'll be okay, I'm fearless

Better believe I'm fearless" 

putting a ring on it...too soon

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How soon is too soon to get engaged? 

A friend of mine proposed to his wife six weeks after dating her.  They were engaged for two years and have been married for 9.  The first time he told me that story, I was shocked.  Call me old fashioned, but I believe in savoring a relationship, and living with your partner before even considering getting engaged.  Because you don't really know someone until you live together.  I dated my college boyfriend for three years, we spent one summer living together and at the end of that summer I broke it off because we weren't compatible. 

I know for some people it works.  You get caught up in the thrill of the relationship and you rush into everything.  But even my friends who are now divorced say that they wouldn't rush into a relationship or an engagement.

A friend sent me a text this morning asking if I had heard the good news.  Considering this was someone I hadn't talked to in a while, and someone I don't really talk to often, I was surprised when I received a message.  

"She proposed and he said yes!"  

My ex-best friend met this guy on Match.com in July in Florida.  They went out on one date, hooked up that night, and the next morning he left for Texas, where he was stationed (he's in the Army).  They haven't seen each other since that night, although they talked via text message and phone frequently.  I knew she was going out to see him soon, and I had also known (through word of mouth) that she had applied for a marriage license in the State of Texas.  So it wasn't a big shock when this mutual friend of ours told me she had proposed to the guy and is now engaged.  

I suppose what I can't wrap my head around is the fact that she completely rushed into this relationship.  How do you know you've found "the one" after just one night of being with someone?  I don't get it, and maybe I'm not supposed to, but I have always wanted to believe that my ex-best friend was an intelligent person and made decisions that would better her life.  I can't support this decision, and I can't help but feel like they are headed for divorce.  I just hope they have what it takes to beat the odds.

a clean slate

{via} 

 "The world is but a canvas to the imagination."

- Henry David Thoreau -

I feel like I failed.  Spending countless hours working on something that I consistently put my heart and soul into, only to have it crash and burn in the end.  At least to me, it felt like it crashed and burned.  Wasted time.  Wasted effort.  Wasted talent.  I know I'm better than this.  I know I have it in me to do this, but I'm sinking and I don't know how to stay afloat. 

I want to make a change.  I want my efforts to be powerful and effective.  I want others to know how much this means to me.  But it's tough to continue with those efforts when you realize that everything you worked on - and for - has failed.  

The decision didn't come easy.  I consulted quite a few friends and colleagues in the industry for advice and suggestions.  Frankly, I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.  I didn't want to make a bad decision, especially after working so hard for so long.  I wanted someone to tell me I was doing the right thing. 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

It's back to the drawing board.  Again.  I'm having a tough time finding my creativity and motivation with this.  I feel like all of my energy has been sucked out over the last three years.  I feel like I have nothing left to give.  

When I let go of my friendship with my best friend, I questioned whether I would have the ability to continue working on our nonprofit - which we founded together.  I was afraid I wouldn't be able to truly let go of our friendship, knowing she would continue to be a part of the story and background with the nonprofit.  But the idea of starting all over again terrified me.  I'm not cut out for this. 

It's tough to find the motivation to start all over again when I feel like I completely failed at it the first time.  I know it's for the best though.  I know that in order to do what I want and get to where I need to be in the nonprofit industry, I need to start all over again.  New nonprofit.  New story (kind of).  Fresh start. 

I just hope I can do it better this time around.