solitude

Silence is golden.

I miss those moments of pure silence.  The ones where you can just sit on a bench in a park and stare out into the world.  The moments when you can hear yourself breathing and it becomes mesmerizing.

Today was one of those days.  A day when I just craved pure silence and moments in solitude but I was forced to be surrounded by people because of a planned Sunday potluck dinner and a friend's going away party.  All I wanted was five minutes to sit, stare, breathe, and think.  

Today was one of those days when I missed having my own room to escape to.  

Today was one of those days when I missed being around the friends who know me.  

Today was one of those days when I didn't want to participate in conversation and I didn't want people to ask me if I decided on staying or leaving Australia and I didn't want to hear about someone's trip overseas to the U.S.  

Today, I just wanted to be alone, but you give up your solitude when you make the choice to live in a hostel and create friendships. 

Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day...

on facing another difficult decision that won't leave me in Australia

"You need to be good to yourself.  Stop taking care of everyone else - let them make their own mistakes, let them find their own way.  Be the kind person you've always been, but know when to let someone go."

I met Trina last Tuesday evening at a cafe next to the Hostel the same night I met the boy.  Trina's an older Australian woman who's extremely kind, warm-hearted, and I've been exceptionally grateful to be able to spend quality time with her.

Today, I gushed and vented and revealed.  A woman who I've only known for a week knew all about my past, present, and future.  I told her the real reason why I'm traveling abroad and I confessed the loneliness that I've been struggling with. 

Everything happens for a reason.

It's so cliche, I know but I believe that everything that's led to my journey to Australia has happened for a reason.  Something made me get here and something deep in my heart allowed me to fall in love with this country.

But over the last 48 hours, a lot has changed.  Happiness is fleeting.  I've been battling some emotional demons that have risen and I've been trying to work through - yet again - a way to cover the damaged and broken with gratitude and love. 

Australia was supposed to be a holiday, and boy, a holiday it was.  I met a girl from Hollywood who I wouldn't normally be friends with and I met a man who made me feel things I've never felt before.  But I don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices hopes and dreams and a life worth living for a comfortable lifestyle or a relationship.  

I haven't been myself lately, and I don't know if it's because I've been partying every night with Ms. Hollywood or if I've been consumed with spending so much time with the boy, but I just haven't felt right and today it all caught up to me as I spent five hours at a cafe crying with Trina.  

I was offered a job in Taiwan teaching English at a summer camp.  It starts on July 1st and I can stay for as long (or little) as I want.  They have already provided me with an apartment and they will arrange airport pick up for me.  

As much as I'm enjoying my time in Australia, this country is ridiculously expensive and I could really use a paycheck right now.  But just as I start building a foundation here, I'm faced with another difficult decision. 

I thought about staying in Sydney for a year, but after analyzing that decision tonight at the cafe, I realized that it would have been based around a boy and a relationship that might not have worked out.  I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices their future for a relationship.  That's so not my thing. 

I believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.  Maybe this isn't supposed to be it.  Maybe this is supposed to show me that I have what it takes to feel something for someone again, and that it is okay to believe in falling in love again.  Maybe he's supposed to show me that it's okay to trust someone so quickly and it's okay to feel something for someone so soon. 

Maybe, just maybe, Australia was the stepping stone for me to feel whole again. 

on taking chances

 {via}

"If you get a chance, take it

If it changes your life, let it

Nobody said it would be easy

They just promised it would be worth it."

The problem with dating abroad is that I haven't been able to stay long enough in one city to justify dating someone.  I don't want to start something knowing it's going to end in a week because I have to leave the country.

When a certain chain of events didn't work out as planned for Thailand, I decided to stay in Australia for a while because I love it here so much.  Truth be told, I didn't think I'd meet someone here who could make me consider staying for this long.  

I am starting to realize that when you live abroad, and you know that you're only here for a certain amount of time, things start to move faster than usual.  I didn't think I'd want to take a chance on a man who lives in Australia, but I am ... and after spending six straight nights together at his bar, meeting his friends, brother, and coworkers, and going on our first official date last night, I don't know what to do now.

My intention was to visit Australia for five days, but then I started meeting people in the hostel and at the local bar, and suddenly I've been living here for three weeks.  My feelings of loneliness and homesickness have been crushed now that I have finally been able to build a [small] foundation here in Sydney. 

I want to give this a chance.  I owe it to myself now that I've finally found a genuine man who doesn't play games, but it's tough to do all of this knowing that I'll have to leave the country at the end of August.  All of his friends have asked me how long I'm staying and at this point, I just don't know. 

I suppose it's true what they say: you meet someone when you least expect it.  

I wasn't looking for anyone, but suddenly I've found someone.