story of my life

I met these three boys through a friend’s boyfriend during my college years.  I had a brief dating stint with one of the boys my freshman year of college.  Or was it my sophomore year?  We dated over winter break, he went back to school and about a week or so later, we realized it wasn’t going to work so we decided to just be friends.  Excuse me, “friends.” Not that long after, I started dating my college boyfriend.  I still hung out with those boys when they were home during breaks (all three of them went to different universities).  Over time, one of the other boys started crushing on me.  I, of course, had no clue.  But all the signs were there – sexting texting back and forth, him calling me on Valentine’s Day one year, us being beer pong partners for every party we went to.  I even remember him being one of the first few people I called when my ex-boyfriend had hit me.  Anyway, it wasn’t until after he started dating other girls when I found out how much he was crushin’ on me.   Now he’s married with a kid (or two).  Story of my life.

***

I met this other guy during college through a friend.  It was instant friendship that, over the course of a few years, turned into him falling in love with me (true story).  We hung out nearly every weekend and he became one of my closest guy friends.  When I moved out to Philadelphia, we still remained close.  We even tried to date each other, but the long distance thing just wasn’t working for me.  He came out for New Years a few years ago and that’s when he told me he loved me.  Not, loved me like a friend but was in love with me.  Words every girl is just dying to hear, right?  Unfortunately for me, I just didn’t feel the same towards him.  I loved him as a friend, but I just wasn’t sure if I had any kind of romantic feelings for him.  So we decided to just be friends.  It wasn’t after he had come out to visit me for a housewarming party I threw two years ago, when I realized that I wanted to give it a serious shot at a relationship.  Sure, it wasn’t the ideal scenario, but I really did think we could make it work.  He had started seeing this other girl in Tuscon and said he needed to give her a chance, but that if things didn’t work out, maybe he and I could try something again.  He’s now engaged to the Tuscon girl and they are getting married next August.  Story of my life.

 ***

I met this one guy at a bar randomly.  The connection between us was instant and almost eerie.  He knew me better than I knew myself.  Within months he had become one of my best friends and I went to him for Helen Keller jokes advice, opinions and sarcastic comments.  We fell in love and I really did think he was my soul mate.  Unfortunately for me, he was married and had no intention of leaving the wife.  He had his first baby in May and still married.  Story of my life.

***

I know that everything happens for a reason but for the last few years I’m starting to dislike fate.  Or maybe I just have such bad luck with guys.  Or maybe I’m just choosing the wrong men.

I met this guy playing in my hockey tournaments.  We never really formally met (and in all honesty, I didn’t know what his name was until about a year ago), but we always talked and hung out at the rink a lot when we traveled.  It wasn’t until recently when we started sexting texting and spending time together outside of playing hockey.  He’s a great guy with great intentions.  He’s the kind of person who would drive 300 miles at the drop of the hat if you needed something.  He bought me a GPS for my car for my birthday because he knew I really wanted one (although sidenote: I am not impressed with my lady tom-tom yet).  He bought me a pumpkin spice candle from walmart just because he knows I like them. He’s the perfect guy, but there’s one catch.  He lives in D.C. and he’s moving to Flo-rida in February for his job.  Story of my life.  Our text messages sometimes border inappropriate things you wouldn’t want your kids to see flirtatious (mostly on his end), but I am not sure how I feel about him yet.  As a friend, he’s one of the best – probably rises above any other guy in my life.  But I am just not sure about starting up anything romantically, or even attempting to, knowing he’s moving in a few months.

From past experience, I know I need to be more open about the guys I date.  Like every other girl though, I know what I want in a man and a relationship and it’s hard to overlook those things.  But I know I’m not going to get my happily ever after if don’t open myself up to the possibility of something different.  I know he’d never do anything intentionally to hurt me.  I know that he’d take care of me the way I expect a guy to take care of me.  I just don’t know what’s holding me back (aside from the long distance thing).  Is he really worth the risk?  Am I really ready to open myself up to another relationship?

“After a while, you just wanna be with the one who makes you laugh…”

getting back in the game

 (via)

Dating in a city populated with millions is tough.  You sift through hundreds and hundreds of people before you find one who's worth your time.  And even when you've found someone, signals get mixed up, texts get deciphered incorrectly, words get misconstrued, and your chance at a relationship slips through the cracks.  We spend our lives searching for that one person, our "soul mate," who compliments us.  Movies and television play out the idea of happily ever after and Prince Charming, and we fall victim to believing in all of it.  It's what keeps us going back for more.  After a bad breakup, we jump back into the dating pool because we believe that our soul mate is really out there.  Because we all need to believe in something.

When I moved to this big city, I went out nearly every night, met tons of guys and played the field more than I probably should have.  And then shortly after living here, I was hit with cervical cancer.  If that wasn't a sign, then I don't know what was.  After battling something like cancer, it changes everything - relationships, friendships, sex, life.

After conquering several [personal and relationship] demons over the last five years, I decided to get back into the [dating] game.  I was never against being in a relationship, but I just couldn't find the right guy.  Hairy back.  Bad kisser.  Small package.  You name it, they had it.  I never have any problem getting guys to like me, I just have problems finding the right guy to like.  Am I too picky?  Maybe.  But shouldn't I be?  I've played the field enough now to know what qualities I like (and don't like) and what kind of man I'm looking for.  Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.

When you've survived something like cervical cancer, which carries a huge stigma and affects a woman's sex drive, reproductive system, and "kibbles and bits," it's tough to find someone who will date you.  As if my life isn't already messed up enough, now I sound like a charity case.  Because any guy who passes the first few dates assumes he's going to find his way into your bed.  And we all know where that leads to.  Except, that's not really where I want it to lead to because I'm afraid of revealing my dark and scary past to him, knowing he's going to run away the instant I open my mouth.  Because the typical response when I tell a man I had cervical cancer is:

::crickets::

And that?  SUCKS.  To actually believe that I'm not worthy enough to date.  That I'm not able to compliment someone or be complimented.  To have a guy show me - through his actions - that I'm not good enough makes me believe that maybe I'll never be good enough because of all of the shit that I've lived through.  But conquering cervical cancer has become a big part of my life now.  So much that I've made advocating for it my career.  It's what I'm living for now.  But I can't get past that fear of rejection.  Because no one likes to be rejected.  When do you open those can of worms?  When do you expose yourself and allow yourself to become vulnerable to a man without fearing he'll turn his back and walk away?

So, there's this guy.  I see him a few nights a week since we play hockey together.  He's got a ripped body (need I say more?) and a good personality.  He's already made a couple Asian jokes at me (which in turn, led me to make a couple Jewish jokes at him), so clearly there's some kind of compatibility there.  It's easy to laugh and make jokes, but we have yet to have those deep, intellectual conversations that he tells me he prefers to have (because really, when is there time to have deep, meaningful, intellectual conversations on the hockey rink?!).  Right now, it's good.  But I fear having that conversation with him, should it ever transpire into anything real, because he could be another one who runs away.  And after a while, you get tired of being the one who's left behind.  You just want to find someone who will stand still with you.

 "I've done the merry-go-round.  I've been through the revolving door.  I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and ... don't you wanna stand still with me?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, to Mr. Big -

on how far I've come

“the past has left its stain
now I feel the shame
I’ll seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday”

This time last year I:

• moved into an apartment and living with two girls.  One turned out to be bi-polar.  The other turned out to be a hott mess.
• was getting over a bad breakup and forcing myself to “see the light” (so to speak).
• was at a job I enjoyed, but hated the commute.
• was going through a quarter-life crisis, mostly with my job/career.
• had my car broken into for the first time … and had my foot peed on by a homeless man for the first time.
• was praying for my brother to survive his brain surgery.
• was trying to finding my inner strength.
• broke my silence.

2008 was not a good year for me.  I battled depression and fought from spiraling downhill, usually by drowning my problems with alcohol which is the worst thing anyone could ever do.  I was unhappy with how my life was turning out and I felt like I was hitting rock bottom.
Things changed when the New Year hit and I suddenly found my life slowly turning around for the better.

• I traveled to Vegas for the first time ever with a friend and despite getting propositioned for a threesome and mistaken for a prostitute, it was the best vacation I’ve had to-date.
• I found a new job that is challenging me more and more.  It’s not the most glamorous job in the world, but it pays significantly well and it tests my abilities with each case I work on.  October officially marks my one-year anniversary working at the firm.
• I recently moved into a house that I absolutely love.  I love being home too much sometimes and having a quiet place to come home to when I’ve had a rather stressful day.
• I’m starting to make my mark on the world.  I picked up a third [unpaid] job over the summer – opening up the PA Chapter of the NCCC and raising awareness for cervical cancer.  My efforts are slowly being seen and heard.  I wrote a letter to a woman who was dying of advanced cervical cancer and that letter was read at her funeral last week.
• I bounced back from my bad break-up and I’m actually happy with my social life right now.  I’m okay with not being with someone just to be with them.  I’m okay with not feeling “tied down.”  I’m okay with going out and coming home alone.  My thirties are for relationships and settling down.  I want to live out my twenties and have as much fun as I possibly can.  I don’t want to settle for something.  Ever.
• My brother is still suffering from his brain tumor, but I am praying every day that things get better.  He’s on anti-tumor pills and if those don’t work, then he’ll need a second surgery.  Again, praying that doesn’t happen, but also realizing that if it does, I need to be on the first flight out to Madison or Houston.
• I’ve let go of some old friendships – realizing that I was just a convenience to those people.  I couldn’t be happier about those decisions though because I’ve picked up some new friendships that have truly out-shined those old ones.

It’s taken me a long while to come this far, but I have to say, I’ve never been happier.  Sure, I have bad days and weak moments but so does everyone else.  But you have to take those bad days and weak moments and not let them destroy who you are or how far you’ve come in life.  You have to keep shining, keep smiling and keep working.  Friends aren’t going to be there for you every time, family isn’t going to love you every second of the day, and bosses aren’t going to love your work product as much as you want – but you have to realize that those flaws, those imperfections and those mistakes are what make you, you. Our experiences – good or bad, right or wrong – define who we are.  And life is too short to be anything but happy…

on infidelity

AshleyMadison.com seems to be the newest hottest internet dating site these days.  Frankly, I had no idea such a site existed.  I guess single guys and gals aren’t the only ones turning to the internet for blowjobs one night stands love.  AshleyMadison.com is an infidelity dating site for married men and women who are looking to have an affair (or at least cheat on their spouse).  They have an advertising truck that reads, “Life is short.  Have an affair.”  Because apparently marriage is that bad.

I found out my friend’s wife recently cheated on him.  She claims it wasn’t sex.  Really?! You don’t just go over some random dude’s house to make out with him without the intention of getting laid.  So I asked him if he trusted her…

***

Him: I have to.
Me: No, you don’t have to – she cheated on you.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Him: But I love her.
Me: But are you in love with her?
Him: *hesitates* Yes.  I think I –
Me: No!
Would you cheat on her if you could?
Him: Well… if the opportunity presented itself, I wouldn’t turn it down.
Me: It’s reasons like that that ruin marriage for the rest of us.

***

I watched as he tried to pick up 2 chicks at the bar that night.  He failed miserably.  And while it was slightly entertaining, I couldn’t help but wonder why he felt it was okay for him to even try to get revenge on his wife.

I’ll never know why people think it’s OK to cheat.

I dated my first real boyfriend in college.  We met through a mutual friend.  At first I wasn’t really sure I liked him, but two months later we found ourselves in a relationship.  In those two months he managed to cheat on me.  Well, I guess I used the word “cheat” loosely, since everyone has their own definition of that word.  My definition of cheating involves anything from a kiss to “going all the way.”  He cheated on me at a party with some random girl because he was drunk.  I let it slide because it was the very beginning of our relationship and because I believed him.  Unfortunately, that incident led to my mistrust towards him and questioning his every move.  Is he out with his friends hooking up with girls at the club? I was underage for that first year or so we dated, so it made being with him really tough.  The second time he cheated on me was with a friend from his hometown that had been trying to hook up with him for a while.  Again, he blamed it on alcohol.  I blamed it on his penis and not knowing any better.  Even though he didn’t have sex with the girl, let’s face it, guys think with their peeps and not their brains.  When a girl throws herself at you, a guy isn’t going to say no.  Well, unless it’s *Pat.  Still, I believe him when he said he wouldn’t cheat on me again.  And he didn’t.  He stayed faithful to me (or so he admitted) but that relationship didn’t last very long.  Our relationship took a downhill spiral during the summer of ‘05 when he physically abused me.  that’s when I did what hopefully any girl would/will do in that situation – I left.

From that relationship I learned:

once a cheater, always a cheater and no man ever has the right to hit a woman. 

That same summer (about a month and a half after I broke up with my ex), I met a guy at the bar.  It was completely random and out of nowhere, but it ended up turning into something.  I was the “other woman” in a three year long relationship with a married man.  YES, I’m ashamed to admit that.  NO, I don’t regret it.  Hindsight is 20/20 and only he and I will ever understand that relationship … and why it lasted that long … and why it crashed and burned.  I was in the same boat with all of those other women who thought he was going to leave his wife for me.  Yes, even after he moved down South for a new job and even after he flew me down to Jacksonville for a weekend last summer.  Truth?  They never leave.  It doesn’t matter how bad the marriage is or how many promises they make you, a man will never leave his wife for you (and a woman will never leave her husband).  In my defense?  I didn’t know he was married when I met him.  He didn’t wear his ring and he wasn’t upfront about his relationship.  Of course, I didn’t stop it after he told me … but neither did he.  I will admit that was one of my poorer decisions in a relationship, but I did learn a lot about myself and what I want during those three years.

From that relationship I learned:  

you’ll always come in second to her and you deserve so much better.

So after having two relationships both crash and burn and watching most of my married friends (guys and gals) cheat on their spouses, it’s safe to say that I’m being cautious with my next relationship.  I’m 26 and let’s face it, one night stands are old and busted.  I’m not necessarily ready for a full blown relationship, but I don’t want to be spun around on the merry-go-round just once, either.

As for marriage?  Well I’m still trying to figure it out.  I hate that the divorce rate is close to 50% and rising and I hate that my married friends are unfaithful, but I do wish for a  “happily ever after” ending like every other girl and I do know that marriage does work for some couples.  I just wish I knew what their secret was.

on family

One thing I’ve learned since my parents passed away is that family is the most important thing in my life.  I never really had a good relationship with either of my parents.  My dad died when I was 12, so I never really had a father figure during the prime years of my life.  My mother passed away when I was 20 and until recently, I blamed myself for her death because we had a huge blowup right before she died and I never got the chance to say “I’m sorry” or “I love you” to her.  It was one of the main reasons why I was treated for depression in college.

My brothers and I don’t have the best relationship, but we have managed to build a stronger bond after my mother died.  The truth is, they are all I have and I would do anything in this world for them.

I have an Uncle (my dad’s brother) who lives in Georgia.  I’m not exactly close with him – he has 3 kids of his own and he’s on the verge of getting a second divorce.  When my dad was alive, he was constantly a part of our lives, but now that we’re all grown up things have changed drastically.  Last night my Uncle called me.  Not to wish me a happy birthday or to talk (because we haven’t talked since LAST OCTOBER when my brother was in the hospital) – he wanted to know if my brother changed his phone number.  Typical.  He only calls when it’s convenient for him.  If there was a “Crappy Uncle of the Year” award, I’d shove it up his ass give it to him in a heartbeat.

When my grandmother (my dad & uncle’s mom) passed away back in the 90’s, my uncle was left as the Executor of her Estate because my father had already passed.  My grandmother left all of the [then] 5 grandchildren money for college.  $5,000 to be exact.  Guess how much of that money my brothers and I saw?  None.  My uncle took all of it for his own children.  And now his oldest daughter is preparing to apply for college and she’ll be using MY $5,000 to support her education.  I can’t help but feel angry.

I know my Uncle is family and I should love him no matter what, but he doesn’t have the best track record with me or my brothers.  We almost didn’t let him come to our mother’s funeral because the day she died he never called us or anything.  But we let him come out for it because he IS family and he’s the closest link my brothers and I have to our parents (my mom was an only child and all four of my grandparents are deceased).
I’m trying to change my ways with him – I want to believe that he does love me but it’s so hard to see that when everything he does is on his terms.  God forbid he ever call me on a Tuesday night when he’s at home with his family rather than when he’s enroute to his child’s soccer practice and only calls because he needs something from me.  I won’t ever write off my family, but lately he’s been making it so easy for me.

“The family you come from isn’t as important as the family you’re going to have.”

on touching lives

A week ago I wrote a letter to the woman who’s dying of cervical cancer.  I told her how much her story touched my heart and soul.  I told her that it’s stories like that, that made me become such an advocate for this.
Today I received a phone call from her brother letting me know Anna received the letter.  I wasn’t expecting a phone call, but it was nice to know that my simple act of kindness touched the lives of herself and her family.  He told me that he’s grateful that there are people like me – people who are so passionate at what they do – to make this world a better place.

I know that my letter won’t bring Anna’s life back and it won’t take her cancer away, but just the fact that my letter made a difference makes me realize that I am making a difference and that I am touching lives.
And that is the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far.