ready to fly

 "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

I'm not a big fan of New Years Eve.  Mainly because I've never really had a spectacular, knock your socks off New Year's Eve celebration.  I think the best NYE was about three years ago when I spent it in Florida with my BFF's family.  Still though, it wasn't knock your socks off spectacular because it involved a crying baby and a crazy Aunt and Uncle (not mine, thankfully). 


Although I do remember my very first New Year's in Philadelphia when I had to call the cops at 5AM and file a domestic disturbance report in my apartment.  Yeah, that was fun.


Needless to say, I'm ready for 2010 already.  It's not that 2009 was a bad year, in fact, quite the opposite. I'll always think of 2009 as my soul searching year.  But I'm ready to finally move on with this soul searching and see where it takes me.


My biggest goal for 2010 is to move out west by April - job or no job.  It's a decision I've been putting off for about four years now and I am finally ready to do it.  I like Philly - I wouldn't have moved here if I didn't - but I know this isn't where I want to stay for the rest of my life. 


Where am I going?


No clue.  


I'm hoping a job will tell me where I need to go, but if not, then I'm considering my options - San Diego, San Francisco, Dallas, Phoenix, and Seattle.  I know I need to live in/near a big city.  I also know I need to live in warmer climates.  Sorry, but this snow BS just isn't cutting it.  I want to wear my flip flops all year long.

It's been a tough decision - leaving this place - but I know it's for the best.  I have four months (at the very most) to get my life here wrapped up.  I'm excited, but also nervous.  It was easy to leave Pittsburgh right after college because I didn't have anything holding me back.  But this time it's different.  I've made a name for myself here and I'm going to miss the friends I've met, the things I've done and the lessons I've learned here.  These last five years have really shaped my life.  I've met some incredible people - some of whom I'll truly never forget - and I've done some incredible things.  It's always sad leaving a place you call "home."

Always moving forward, never looking back.

That's my motto for 2010.  It's time to push myself to do the things I never thought I could do.  It's time to feel things I never thought I could feel.   

The sky is the limit.  I'm ready to fly.

Wishing all of you a happy and healthy New Year.  Much love, success and happiness to you as you continue your journey through life.

 

always moving forward, never looking back

I have spent a good portion of my life caring about others rather than caring about myself.  Even when I was going through my chemotherapy treatments, I spent those moments asking the other cancer patients how they were feeling and if I could help them with anything, rather than spending that time on myself.

I have a knack for putting others before myself.  I do it because I believe that I genuinely care about others (well, most others) and I realize that there are people in this world who are a lot less fortunate than I am.  Or you are.  And those are the people who truly need help.

Late last night I had a brief one-sided conversation with a friend.  They asked why I was up so late and I said, "I'm getting stuff done."  That opened the flood gates.

"What?"

"Applying for jobs."

"Where?  Why?"

"Because I'm done living here.  I've been here 5 years now and I don't want to be here forever.  I'm ready for a change.  Expand my horizons."

"Where?"

"Sacramento.  Seattle.  Los Angeles.  San Francisco.  Phoenix.  Dallas.  Houston.  Anywhere but Philadelphia."

"Lots of Asians in California.  Not so much in Phoenix or Texas."

It was at that moment that I realized:

Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

I don't ask much of anyone.  Even in my moments of need, I don't really ask people for support.  But all I needed was a friend, and that person couldn't be much of one. 

I'm making a big decision.  I'm leaving my career to pursue a dream.  I'm leaving my home state to pursue a better, happier life.  I'm leaving my friends to hopefully find others.  I'm giving up everything with the hopes of gaining something much more rewarding and valuable. 

I applied for jobs in Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Phoenix and Dallas.  Now all I can do is sit back and hope that something good comes out of all of this.  I'm taking a huge risk, but in my heart I know it will lead to a happier, more rewarding life. 

For the first time in probably a long time, I'm putting myself before anyone else.  Selfish?  No.  Smart.  I'm finally ready to move on.  It's the decision I've been juggling for the last four years.  I stayed in Philadelphia because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go next. 

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be."

For the first time in my life, I finally have some clarity.  I'm ready to pack up and leave.  I'm ready for a new city.  I'm ready for a happier life.  I deserve this.  Yes, it's going to be sad to leave my friends behind, but I know they'll do well.  I know they will move on with their lives with or without me in it.  I need to do this for myself ... because everyone else is moving onto bigger and better things.  Now it's MY turn.

For the first time in my life, I'm ready.  And I'm not looking back. 

I want this.

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to..."

In the spirit of giving, I decided to join the masses (of bloggers) and help another awesome blogger out.  Please send prayers, good thoughts, and Ryan Reynolds her way.  As a cancer survivor myself, my heart truly aches for Brandy and her man.  You both are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

on realizations, job opportunities, moving to California, and making my dreams a reality

"Take your hesitance
And your self-defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be so afraid
Of facing everyday
Just take your time, it's only life"

Sometimes it takes helping someone else through their problem(s) before you realize you just helped yourself through your own.

 Tonight, I had a realization. 

It was the first time in a very long time that I was able to think clearly.  Part of it had to do with helping my BFF through her current struggle with her lack of a job and finding out what her next step is.  Another part of it had to do with the fact that I was out of my element (even though I was back in my hometown) and able to get away from my hectic city life.  I was finally able to think clearly on some things - albeit I had to talk my BFF through her own problems - to get that shining moment I needed to figure out my next step.

I moved away from home right after I graduated college because I needed something better in my life.  I needed to make something happen for myself.  It was scary and the first year was probably the hardest, adjusting to the streets, the people, the night life and the neighborhoods.  But I survived.  For five years I have now created this amazing life for myself in a city that I never thought I'd come back to.  I doubted myself and certain moments I wanted to give in, re-pack all of my belongings and move back home.  But I didn't.  I weighed it out, fought my battles and rose to the top. 

Tonight I realized that I'm ready for my next journey.  This move was only supposed to be temporary.  It's been five years.  I'm ready for something else.  I'm ready to pack up and leave. 

The other day I came across a job opening.  I wasn't actively looking, but it showed up in my google alerts and it caught my eye, so I checked it out.  The job couldn't be more perfect for me.  But there's a catch.  It's in Sacramento, California.  It means packing up and literally moving across the country. 

On my flight home, I kept thinking about the job.  What if I get an interview?  What if they offer me the position?  Could I really move across the country?  What about my life here in Philadelphia?  What about my friendships here?

The anxiety started to set in.  I could feel this huge weight on my shoulders. 

Tonight, I had a realization.  While talking to my BFF and telling her that she shouldn't have to settle for a dead end relationship, or a guy who won't let her experience her own life, I realized that I shouldn't have to settle for a job I'm not completely happy with, a city I'm not entirely in love with, or a life I'm settling for.

Then it hit me.  My missing piece - my missing happiness - is settling for a city, a job, a LIFE I'm not completely in love with. 

My best friend said she envied my life because I'm living on my own and doing all of this stuff.  I envy all of those people who quit their jobs on a whim with nothing else lined up and move half way across the country...or those people who quit their jobs and end up traveling the world.  I wish I had the balls to do that.

But the thing is, I could do that.  I could quit my job on Tuesday to travel the world or to move across the country.  But there's something preventing me from doing it - like money, bills, money, and rent.  Oh, and money. 

Tonight, I told my BFF that she needs to take some time away from her family and boyfriend and go somewhere - somewhere out of her element, like Denver.  She needs to take a long weekend and just go there - no cell phone, no email, no communication to the outside world.  She just needs to live, be and breathe.  She needs to re-gain that beauty and self-confidence that I once saw in her.  Like when she briefly lived in Baltimore. 

As I was telling my friend all of this, I realized that I need to take my own advice.  I need to go somewhere out of my element to just live, be and breathe. 

You only have this one life to live - make the most of it.

I promised myself that 2010 would be the Year of Me.  This is the year I make some big decisions and changes.  I decided I'm going to apply for that job in Sacramento.  And if that job doesn't pan out?  Well I'm going to start saving up enough money so I can quit my current job in April so I can travel... and perhaps move across the country.

January is a new month and a New Year.  All of those decisions I've been putting off for the last few years are going to be decided.  No hesitation, no second guessing, no reservations.  It's time to stop worrying about leaving my friends and the life I've made for myself here, and start planning the life I'm going to make for myself somewhere else.  Quite possibly in California. 

Sure, it's scary to think about the unknown, but that's what makes life so exciting and thrilling.  If we knew how our life was going to end up, would it be as fun or enjoyable?  Probably not.  Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and just do it.

It's my life, it's my turn.  At the end of the day, it's all about what makes me happy.  Those friends who truly matter will always be there.  So will my family.  I'm ready for my next journey.  It's time to make those dreams a reality.

"Don't look away
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it's only life"

reflections, experiences, soul searching and my inner happiness

When I was home for Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time reflecting back on what 2009 handed me.  Or maybe I should say, the decisions and mistakes I made lessons I learned. 

I realize, perhaps all too late, that our experiences shape our lives.  When you look back on your life, what do you remember most?  What gives your life any kind of substance?  Your experiences.  You remember the experiences that made you happy, and those that broke your heart.  You remember those experiences that challenged you to the very depths of your core, and those other ones that you hope to never live through again.  And hopefully, you learn from them.

At the young age of 26, I've experienced more than I wanted.  From bad friendships, to losing both of my parents, to breakups, to surviving cancer - these experiences (and all the other ones) have shaped my life.  In a way, they have made me the woman I am today - stronger, smarter and (hopefully) wiser.  I put a guard up to most people around me because I know that very few people in my life can be trusted.  I stand up for what I believe in because if I don't, neither will anyone else.  I work hard at everything I do because I truly believe it is the only way to become successful.  I take very few things for granted now a days.

With the New Year right around the corner, I have spent a lot of time soul searching.  Chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis, but I have recognized (again, perhaps all too late), that I'm searching for that missing piece of the puzzle to complete my inner happiness. 

2009 was surprisingly a good year.  I traveled, I tested my limits, I enriched my professional background and I created some great memories with some amazing friends.  That, in and of itself, is absolutely priceless.  But there's still something missing.  Yes, I'm happy, but I'm not completely happy.  I'm not inner-ly happy.  I'm just outer-ly happy.  Does that make sense?  I think I tend to portray a certain level of happiness to others around me so I don't show weakness.  I learned that weakness means vulnerability, and I hate feeling vulnerable to others.

About six months or so ago, I applied for a position with a government agency.  I never actually thought they would contact me about the job until recently when I received that phone call.  It took me by surprise, but a part of me felt happy.  But there's a catch (of course there is, nothing in life is easy, right?).  If I get cleared for this position, it means giving up my current life.  It means taking a respite from my friends, family and social life to pursue what could be a life-changing career.  It means permanently giving up my work in the non-profit field for a high-profile government career.  It means giving up that stability in my life and relocating every two years.  It means giving up everything I know for a life unknown.  Could I do it?  Absolutely.  Do I want to do it?  I'm still deciding.

2010 is my year of inner happiness.  I know I won't find my inner happiness immediately.  I also know that it could take an entire lifetime to find that inner happiness, but I want to know that by this time next year, I am one step closer to finding that inner happiness.  I want to know that I'm on the right path to living a good, successful, happy life, inside and out.  I want to know that I'm doing things for myself and no one else. 

Afterall... 

...I want to make the most of it.

"sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem"

 

{via}

I had two choices - be gentle and sugar coat, or be brutally honest.

"I think you're amazing.  I really enjoy talking to you because it's so easy and so comfortable for me... and I don't usually connect with a guy this well, so soon.  But I felt like you punched me in my ovaries.  It really stung.  And for a while I was mad at you, but now I'm just bitter at the situation and how this played out.  Because you knew from Day One how this would end, and instead of being up front and honest with me, you chose to let things continue.  And now it sucks because I really liked you and now I don't know what to do.  So yes, that makes you a douchebag."

I chose the latter.

Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said that there are no right moments, right guys, or right answers; we just have to say what's in our heart.

I leave for Prague in three months.  I have a check list of things I need to do before I leave, but I also created a list of things I want to do for myself.  I'm closing a big chapter of my life and in order to move forward, I really want to focus on finding personal closure with what I've made for myself in Philadelphia.

While it wasn't my ideal situation to tell him (in my car, after a hockey game), I owed it to myself to explain why I'm bitter.  I needed a sense of closure, and I needed it to be on my own terms.  He's not a bad guy, he's just a bad person [for me] to date.

As much as this dating experience sucked, I don't have any regrets.  I learned that I really do have the ability to feel something for someone after getting my heart shattered.  It's okay to become vulnerable, just don't let a man use that to his advantage.  And most importantly, know what you're worth and don't be afraid to tell him (or her).  

I wasn't sure I would be able to stay friends with him once he returned from Brazil.  I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a guy that I've been involved with.  But I'm leaving in three months, and I don't know what will happen with our friendship while I'm abroad, or when I return, and at the very least, I want to be friendly since we still have to see each other every week.  I want to be able to end things with a man on good terms, because I owe it to myself to at least try. 

 

* title of the post from Misery by Maroon 5

Friday Bullets

• This week I accepted a writing gig with Examiner.com as their Philadelphia Cancer Examiner.  My first article has been posted (check it out here) and so far, I've made $.56!  I know you are probably laughing at that, but hey, we are in a recession and it is $.56 I didn't have before!  Every penny helps, right?  So now that I am working a total of 4 (yes 4!) jobs, it leaves very little time for a social life.  I haven't drank in weeks (minus the happy hour I went to this week - I only had two beers).  Most nights I'd rather stay in and catch up on work or watch tv (or even sleep!) rather than hit the bars.  I think a lot of that has to do with the cold weather though.  I become a hermit during the winter months.
  
  
• My roommate confirmed this week that she has bed bugs in her room.  Awesome.  So we have an exterminator coming next week and it means I have to clear everything out of my room.  I guess that's a good thing since my room is kind of messy, but it's a huge inconvenience to have to clear everything out of my room and then put it all back.  But at least we don't have to pay for the exterminator (the joy of renting!)
  
  
• My presentation at Penn State this week went well.  I am hoping this turns into more speaking engagements at colleges and universities.  Even though the drive up to State College sucked, I'm glad I did it.  I was nervous as hell and I hate public speaking, but I hope this turns into something good for my non-profit(s).
  
  
• I've been watching old seasons of The Hills like it's my j-o-b.  Feel free to judge me.  Watching that show makes me wish I lived in L.A.  But then I think about my trip out to L.A. last fall and I realize that I wouldn't ever want to live there.  Too crazy of a city and too many tourists.  It also makes me wish I had more girl friends to hang out with, but then I see all of the drama that goes on in that show and I realize that's exactly why I don't get along with girls.  But it must be nice to wear flip flops and tank tops in January.
  
  
• I just realized that this weekend is my last free weekend until February.  Next weekend my non-profit is doing a bar crawl, then it's Christmas, then it's New Year's and then my non-profit has an event every weekend in January.  So my plan this weekend is to get a pedicure, get my holiday shopping done and mentally relax!  As much as I love being so busy, sometimes it's just overwhelming.
  
  

Best of 2009 Series - Best Book and Best Trip

Today's your lucky day because you get TWO for the price of a blow job  of one. 

BEST BOOK

This one was kind of hard (that's what she said!).  And I guess I can't count my coloring books.  Don't judge me.  I'm a big fan of biographies, memoirs (especially those of any kind of personal struggle) and economics.  I'm just now starting to get back into reading fiction (I read a lot of fiction when I was younger, but then I hit college and transitioned to non-fiction).  I loved Angels and Demons and I'm currently reading The Lost Symbol and I think it's amazing.  Oh and I fell in love with The Time Traveler's Wife, but the best book I read this year was The Blue Sweater by Jacqueline Novogratz.  It's an inspiring memoir of a woman who spent her life on a quest to understand global poverty and to find powerful ways of tackling it.  

I'm in the process of writing my own memoir so I'm always looking for any kind of inspiration and introspection.  This book did just that.  As I read it, I felt like I was walking right next to her through all of her journeys.  Everything is described with intricate detail and it makes you feel like you're there, experiencing it yourself.  It's not often that I read a book that captivates me this much.  I hope that one day, my memoir will have that same effect for someone else.

So why is a memoir about poverty titled The Blue Sweater?  Well, you'll just have to read it to find out.

BEST NIGHT OUT

This was another hard one (that's what she said!).  Of all of the nights out that I've had, how am I supposed to pick out the best one?  I've traveled to a lot of cities this past year and all of those trips involved some great nights out.  Like the road trip to Washington, D.C. where we pre-gamed in the hotel, went out to the bars till 3AM, almost went to a strip club, then went back to the hotel to play Kings until about 5AM.  Yeah, that was a good night.  Or any of the nights I spent in Vegas?  Yeah, more good ones.  But the best one?  

Saturday, October 25, 2009.  

Tampa, Flo-rida.

I travel around the U.S. to play in hockey tournaments about 4-5 times a year.  I had missed the June Sunshine Shootout and all of my friends who went, came back telling me how awesome of a trip it was.  I was a little jealous that I wasn't able to go, but when I heard they were hosting another Sunshine Shootout in October, I knew I had to be there.

Hockey, the beach, 80 degree weather and lots of drinking.  Who wouldn't want to do that?!


With any big tournament we travel to, there's always lots of drinking, laughing, pictures and debauchery.  Some of my favorite moments have been spent with my hockey mates, actually.  It's kind of awesome and scary at the same time.  

Anyway, so that Sunday was the last weekend of the tournament.  After all was said and done, we all had a "team night out" at a local bar.  We drank, we ate, we were merry.  When the bars closed, we all stood around outside trying to figure out who was the most sober to drive.  Turns out no one was really sober to drive (and we all ended up in cars we hadn't originally showed up in), but luckily we didn't have far to go.  The partying continued at a rental beach house with six cases of beer.  As we all drank into the wee hours of Monday morning, I found myself having a pants-off, dance-off with a Canadian.  We dared to see who would get naked.  He took off clothes, I took off clothes.  He took off jewelry, I took of jewelry.  Needless to say, I was standing in the kitchen with 20 of my hockey mates, stripping against a Canadian. 


The Canadian won the stripping contest and ran around the house naked.  Did I mention he was hairy and obese?  Yeah, it wasn't even close to hot.  

Of all the trouble I get myself into - especially during tournaments - I think this one goes down in the record books as my all-time low point.  


I can only imagine what the 2010 tournaments will bring me.

The Best of 2009 Series

Yesterday I decided I wouldn't blog for at least a week or two.  Then I found this and now my "no blogging for a week" idea is going down the drain.  While I most likely won't blog for all 31 days, I'll definitely recap MY "best of 2009" series.  Besides, it will be fun and I think we can all use a little "best of" in our lives right now with the winter weather ahead and the holiday shopping madness in session, yes?

YES!

So, here goes nothing...

BEST TRIP IN 2009

 I had to stop and think back to all of the places I visited in 2009: 

Boston, Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, Tampa, Atlantic City, Avalon, NJ, Pittsburgh, Detroit, NYC, Baltimore... and I think that's only half of the list.

While that may not seem like a lot of traveling to you, it was definitely a lot of traveling for me.  Especially since I managed to cross off some major cities I've never traveled to, like Vegas and Boston.

My best trip in 2009 was to:

Vegas, baby!

You can read the full re-cap of my trip here, but to sum it up - I went to Vegas for 5 days for a hockey tournament.  I drank four times my body weight, slept a total of 4 hours, won a hockey championship (and an MVP award), got proposition for a threesome, got mistaken for a prostitute, and spent five marvelous days with some of my closest friends.

Now I know why everyone says: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."  It definitely goes down in my record book as one of the best. trips. ever. and I'm planning on going back in 2010.