i survived

This week has been hell at work.  I lost my virginity sanity way too many times at the office, due to the 4 people that are laid off and the rest of the office walking on eggshells with everyone.  Thankfully, I'm on vacation for the next five days, ready to soak up the sun (please don't let it rain all weekend!), eat lots of yummy food, drink lots of yummy summer drinks, suck lots of cock and get a second tattoo.  And most importantly relax, refresh and reboot.

I'm ready to put this week behind me and focus on bigger, better, brighter things ahead. 

"When things get bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse.  And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better."

Until next time, bitches.

feeling grateful and some wise words:

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy.  Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.  Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is - appreciating small victories and admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.  Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know, and maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know.  At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

- Grey's Anatomy -

Today, I'm so grateful to still have a job.  My firm laid off 4 employees (which is a really big deal since we are a small firm as it is), one of whom was a paralegal.  I realized today that had certain situations not occurred at work two months ago, I would have been that paralegal my firm laid off today.  I didn't realize it would be a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes I take certain things, like steady paycheck and a 9-5 job, for granted.  Especially when I vent about specific conditions at work to my friends who are living the unemployment life. 

Even though unemployment rates have marginally decreased in the last few months, many employers [like mine] still have to make cuts where they can.  I see people close to me struggling for money (because they don't have a job or they can't find steady work) every day and it makes my heart ache.  While I make a good salary every year, I still live paycheck to paycheck.  But I need to remember that as much as things may suck for me right now, I have a good job that pays for all of my wine and cheese tabs a good salary and provides me with exceptional benefits, like health insurance, stock options and a 401K. 

It's about being grateful for what you have, because there are people out there with far less.

I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. and I need more clean underwear.

So, I'm doing this thing called the Joy Equation, and even though I'm only on Day Six, I already kind of hate it.  (sorry Molly!) 

I have to write every day, for thirty frickin' days.  You know what I say to that?

STAB!

I'm lucky if I remember to wear clean underwear for thirty days.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

I think one reason why I question this Joy Equation thing is because I'm doing these journal prompts and listening to these audio clips and I still don't see any results.

Confession:  I'm the type of person who needs instant gratification.

There, I said it.

If I go wrist deep* into a vagina project, I need to know what the result is going to be.  I need to know that my hard work pays off right after I am done.  But with the Joy Equation, it's a waiting game.  I write these journal prompts and when I'm finished, I'm all, what the frick?!  I just wrote for thirty-frickin'-minutes and I don't feel any differently.  The only thing I do get from these journal prompts is carpal tunnel syndrome** and I definitely did NOT ask for that.  I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to keep an open vagina mind as I am working through these journal prompts, but I get anxious when I don't see an end result.

Patience is a virtue.

I know change doesn't happen over night.  And I don't expect to be completely happy and joyous after I complete this project.  I know that a lot of my happiness comes from within and I need to figure out how to find that.  But sometimes I want to scream.  Like when I don't have clean underwear.  Or when I don't get an instant fix from my daily journal prompt. 

I just want to know I'm on the right track.




* have you read my wrist-deep sex story?  You're welcome.
** when I was little, my brothers told me it was "car-pool tunnel syndrome," and I thought it was a disease you got when you car-pooled with someone through a tunnel.

on expectations, happiness, change, and my 30-day commitment

"We are who we are.  People don't change."

- Great Expectations -

You can spend your entire life growing up with someone - watching them experience some of life's biggest moments - but it can take just one simple moment to question who they really are.  And it's in that simple moment that makes you wonder how well you really know them.

It's not about changing someone, it's about changing your expectations of them.  It's about shifting your focus on someone else when that person can't meet your needs.  And just because a person can't meet your needs, doesn't mean they don't care.  Maybe they just haven't grown as much as you have, and that's okay.  It's about paying attention to who a person really is and accepting them, because like you, they have flaws too.

I'll admit; I tend to hold high expectations of [some of] my friends.  Maybe because I have high expectations of myself.  I believe that people should always have integrity and strive to do their best.  The problem is, more often than not, certain friends are unable to meet my expectations.  And then that leads to, well if they can't meet my expectations, then maybe they aren't a good friend after all.  Just because someone can't meet my expectations, doesn't mean they aren't a good friend.  

Case in point:

Certain holidays are always hard for me - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day and Father's Day.  And my birthday.  (yes, that's a holiday.  September 3rd.  Write that down, bitches.  Send me vibrators and lube presents.).  My best friend, who has literally been with me through nearly every tragic event in my life, never bothered to pick up the phone and call or text me on Mother's Day.  I expected her to at least send me a text letting me know she was thinking of me because she knows my situation and I thought she knew how hard Mother's Day always is for me.  Is that too much to ask for?  I was upset because her action (or non-action?) showed me that she didn't care.

The thing is, it's been seven years and not once has she ever reached out on Mother's Day.  Why am I still holding onto that thin shred of hope?  Because I want to believe that she'll change.  I want to believe that she isn't the self-absorbed person she now is, and will continue to be.

I realize now, almost a week after Mother's Day and feeling angry and frustrated about this, that I can't change my best friend.  All I can do is change my expectations and shift my focus to other friends who can meet those needs.  It doesn't mean she won't continue to be my best friend, it just means that she doesn't have the capacity, as a person, to be the friend that I need on those certain days.  Some people just aren't made for those kind of things.  Eventually, you have to let go of that tiny shred of hope and accept that person for the things they cannot do.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  They just haven't grown as much as you have.

Lately I have been in kind of a rut.  It's been an emotional roller coaster seeing a therapist to sort out the emotional issues I have with grieving for my parents, the struggle I'm having with my best friend, and the recent situation that I had to experience at work.  I'm so glad I'm doing this, but frankly I've never been good with emotions (who do I sound like? *cough* this girl *cough*), so having these feelings rush out of me all at once is very overwhelming.  I'm doing this because I know I need a change in my life.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty and regretful about my past. 

I'm ready to let go of my past, embrace my present and smile about my future.  I'm ready to find my happiness.

Enter, Stratejoy and this:

I missed the first opportunity to do this because I had way too much going on at the time.  Well, I still have way too much going on now, but as Dave Matthews says:  

"no day but today."  

This my commitment.  Every day.  For thirty days.  No excuses.  I'm muff diving in and putting everything I have into it.  Because as Molly says, you only get out of it, what you put in.

For all you female quarter-life crisis'ers (sorry guys, ladies only!), I encourage you to do this.  I can't promise you it's going to work for you, but I know a few people who have completed this and said it's changed their lives.  And the best part?  Pay what you can.  Don't feel guilty for donating just $10 when this usually costs $149.  It's all about you.  Take that $10 (or however much you want) and donate it, but make sure you put everything you have into this project. 

Maybe you can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself.  

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy."
- Desiderata, Max Ehrmann -

pink balloon

It's painful. 

Like a thousand needles stabbing every inch of your body simultaneously.  You wake up on this day feeling so helpless, almost dead, and all you want to do is let the pain take over.  You lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing the pain would go away.  You wonder what it must feel like - a day without this pain; you wonder if you will ever wake up without this feeling ever again.

As you climb out of bed, every joint seems to ache a thousand times more than usual.  Your eyes well up and you sigh, trying to fight the tears.  You peek out the window.  It's sunny and windy.  Women are walking down the sidewalk wearing pink, pushing strollers, holding hands, receiving bouquets.  You close your eyes to blink and a tear escapes.

You avoid any reminders of what day it is, because the more you think about it and the more you witness things, the stronger the pain feels.  Instead of needles, it's knives - sharp knives penetrating every inch of your heart.

You feel guilty for feeling such pain because you know there are others out there who are experiencing worse things in life.  You know that life goes on - you've managed to survive so far - but today is the day that the sea of pink triggers the painful reminders, and the family brunches remind you of everything you have lost.  And you think, today, I'm allowed to feel this way.

Today, I had no Mother's Day brunch or family dinner.  I didn't participate in the Race for the Cure.  Instead, I spent today by myself, avoiding all things Facebook, Twitter, pink and the Art Museum area because it all bears painful reminders of what others get to celebrate and cherish and what I have lost. 

Each year it gets tougher and tougher, and the friend I wish would help me through this day, doesn't even acknowledge what today represents for me.

My heart aches.

All the time.

Every day.

A pink balloon

For my mother, on Mother's day.

Keep watching over me...

"my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to"

 "You wish too much."

...is something someone recently told me.  Frankly, I didn't know that was possible.  More importantly, why does this person care what I wish for or how often I wish for things?! 

But it got me thinking...

Is it possible to wish too much?

I hate settling.  For anything.  I think a lot of people settle for something - a job, a relationship, a life - because they are afraid to find out what's really out there.  We live in a world where anything is possible.  It's about looking past that fear and taking a chance.  We don't know what's on the other side, but you know what?  I kind of like it that way.  If we knew it all, it wouldn't be as much fun.

I wish for a lot of things - wealth, happiness, success - because I believe in bigger and better things.  I believe that wishing for something is what keeps us moving forward in life.  We all wish to become successful and that's what drives us to work harder.

Sure, maybe I wish for impossible things - like to become a millionaire - but if I didn't wish so much, I wouldn't push myself to work harder, and do better.  I wouldn't have the desire and determination to conquer the world.  And you know what?  I am going to conquer the world someday.

It's important to believe in something, and to wish for things, because I believe that every once in a while, wishes do come true. 

What do you wish for?

(via)