"the world stares while I swallow the fear"

 {via}

Ever since I had that conversation and wrote about leading a double life, I can't stop thinking about it.  Why am I doing this?  What am I afraid of?  What's the point? ...are the questions running through my head.  I struggle with the idea that people - strangers, friends, random bloggers, acquaintances - could still like me (in whatever capacity) after I put it all out there.  Being vulnerable is scary.  I want to put it all out there without having people turn away or think differently of me.

I took a two hour walk around Center City today.  I walked around Fairmount, Rittenhouse, and Society Hill.  With coffee in hand and Pink's new song blasting on my iPod on repeat.

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect"

I couldn't stop listening to that song.  I still can't.  The beat.  The lyrics.  She nailed it.  TWSS.

Today, I had a moment.  As I walked through Rittenhouse Park, after purchasing a new pair of Lucky jeans, and I tossed my Starbucks coffee cup in the trash can.  The simple act of throwing away that coffee cup made me feel like I was unchaining myself from this city.  Emotionally, I could feel the chains falling from my heart and soul.  Everything that was chaining me down was slowly being released.  And it felt amazing.  

It was during that stroll through the city when I realized that I don't want to continue leading this double life.  I want to put myself out there - honestly, and genuinely - without caring what others think.  

"Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead"

Remember when I told you I was one of six Stratejoy bloggers?  Well, this week we finally go live.  And when I accepted the position, I made a promise to myself that I would write honestly and genuinely about things I'm struggling with, things I'm working on, and the hardships I've overcome.  Friends and acquaintances who don't know about my struggle with depression and losing my parents will finally read about it.  Because in order to find my authentic happiness, I need to learn to be comfortable revealing my dark and damaged past.  I have always cared about what others think - Will they judge me?  Will they feel sorry for me? - but now I just don't care.  

I don't want to be ashamed of what I've been through; I want to be proud of having the strength to survive.

** Title and quotes in this post can be heard in Pink's new amazing song, Fuckin' Perfect.

unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

{via}

When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

another one bites the dust

 {via}

"You can't have friends until you learn how to be one."

I never truly understood the meaning of friendship until I made the courageous decision to let go of a 15 year friendship with my [ex] best friend.  After spending two years fighting like hell to keep our friendship together, I realized that some things just aren't meant to last forever.  It was a cruel lesson to learn and a scary decision to execute, but letting go of that friendship was one of the best things I have done for myself because I am much happier without her in my life. 

Since my time in the City of Brotherly Love, I've been blessed with some incredible friendships, but I've also been burned by some outrageous friendships.  As my two months come to a close though, I'm really trying to invest as much as I can into those friendships that I want to make work. 

A close girl friend recently got engaged.  She's the longest girl friend I've had since living in this city, and while our friendship was built around hockey, I know it doesn't define the friendship.  I know we're better than that, but it's tough being the only one putting effort into this friendship.  Suddenly, I feel like I did four months ago - desperately fighting to keep another friendship together.  It's painful and draining to have to work this hard at friendships.  This is why 90% of my friendships are with men - they're just easier to maintain a friendship with.

I'm incredibly happy for my friend - really, I am - but I'm starting to realize that, once again, I'm standing on the edge of this cliff and I either have to let go and jump off, or continue holding on.  I don't know how much longer I can continue holding on.  Because as much as I want our friendship to endure well after I leave the country, realistically, I know it won't.  I don't know if I'm ready to let go of it just yet though.

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

this is it: kicking negativity in the ass in order to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy

{via}

We're so quick to judge others, yet we're slow to react to our own decisions.  It's so easy to look at the negatives, the failures, and the mistakes, yet we blind ourselves from seeing our triumphs, accomplishments, and positive changes.  We cripple ourselves from being who we want to be and from accomplishing monumental, life-changing, gutsy dreams.

I'm not typically a big risk-taker.  I don't usually act without putting much careful thought into my decisions.  I spent a big part of my life as a pessimist because I was so used to devastating things happening to me.  Losing my father.  Losing my mother.  Getting cancer.  Nearly losing my oldest brother to a brain tumor.  Losing my job.  Negativity and devastation just feels normal to me now.  

I'm having a hard time knocking negativity and thoughts of failing to the wayside as I prepare for Praha.  I can't stop thinking about the things I'm sacrificing and the people I'm leaving behind.  I'm drowning in these thoughts and it's crippling me from reveling in the excitement and joy that lies ahead.

Whether I'm ready or not, this move is going to change my life.  Being pushed into new cultures, a new language, and new experiences.  Being lost in a city with so much history.  Being emotionally stable as I travel independently for six months.  This isn't make-believe, people, this is real life.  Big, bold, courageous and gutsy.  And I'm completely and utterly terrified. 

Two months from Monday, I board a plane heading to London, England.  Two months from Tuesday, I arrive in Prague.  It all finally hit me.  As I started packing up my bedroom today.  As I talked to my friend who will sublet my bedroom yesterday.  As I crossed things off my to-do list over the last two weeks.  I'm getting closer and closer to living life on my own terms and I'm feeling excited, overwhelmed, joyous, sad, and terrified. 

I want to kick this negativity right in the ass.  I want to stop harboring these feelings of failure and sadness.  I want to stop thinking about what I'm losing, sacrificing, and giving up, and start thinking about the things I'm about to gain.  A life-changing experience.  A new career path.  New friends.  New cultures.  A new city to call 'home.' 

These next two months really matter and I need to make them count.  With a new experience comes a new perspective.  Here we go.  Eyes open, arms out, heart ready.  It's time to smile.  To celebrate.  To embrace.  To hug.  To laugh.  It's time to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy, determined and devoted.

This is it.

on leading a double life

{via}

A friend of mine joined Twitter the other day.  This, just days after he told me in a previous conversation that he doesn't understand Twitter or the sense of tweeting.  I tried explaining it to him, but I don't think he understood it very well.

"I didn't know you were on Twitter," he said.

"I am.  But don't follow me, because then you'll discover my other life."

"What 'other life?'"

"My blog life."

Confession: Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives - a real entrepreneur-by-day, hockey-player-by-night life and a blog life.  Except I didn't realize this until tonight, when I said it to my friend. 

Not very many of my real-life, non-blog friends know about this blog (for good reason).  None of them know that I'm a part of a blogging community and have met some of my [now] closest friends through it.  None of them know about the intimate details that I reveal on this blog.  It's amazing what we will reveal on the internet (via blogs), but we won't tell our real life, non-blogger friends. It's even more amazing at the number of bloggers who have formed real life friendships with other bloggers.  In fact, even most of my Twitter followers are bloggers.  

I got nervous when my friend said he would follow me on Twitter.  And then I [kind of] jokingly said that I would follow him back and tag him in every tweet, as my defense mechanism to get him to not follow me.  I feel like I'm living a double-life because my real life friends just don't understand blogging, blogger meet-ups, or friendships based around blogging.  It makes it very challenging to have a conversation about something I read on a blog when that person has no idea what a blog is. 

While I may not reveal my identity on this, I do reveal intimate thoughts based around my life events.  And sometimes I blog about my real life friends or conversations that spark blog fodder (such as this).   I reveal pieces of my intimate life that I wouldn't necessarily share with my real life friends because it's so much easier to feel less vulnerable when you sit behind a computer screen and type your words, than having to say it to someone face-to-face.  I've come to learn that not every one of my real life friends have the capacity to hold intellectual, stimulating conversations that I often crave.

Today, I announced (via Twitter and FB) that I am one of six Stratejoy Season 4 Bloggers (YAY!!!).  That means I get to spend the next six months blogging about my past, present and future, my Quarterlife crisis, and my journey to discovering authentic happiness.  It means being incredibly honest and open with the Stratejoy Tribe (and the internet) about my life - the challenges I face, the adventures I'm about to take, the bouts of depression I've conquered, the details of my broken and damaged past.  I'm incredibly excited for this opportunity, and to get to know my other Season 4 sisters, but I'm also nervous because once I put it out there, I can't take it back. 

I plan on sharing my Stratejoy adventures with my real life friends, in the hopes that they'll understand what blogging is, why I do it, and how it's become a big part of my every day life.  Because it's my outlet.  After a long day, I blog.  When I'm feeling creative, I blog.  When I want to talk about something, I blog.  I do it because I love it.  

Do what you love and forget the rest.

"to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice."

{via}

I had my first therapy session the other night since my therapist has returned from maternity leave.  I finally told her about losing my job and trading the City of Brotherly Love for the Czech Republic in two months.  As predicted, she was very supportive and kept telling me I need to go.  She said I'm too worn out from my job and the nonprofit, and that this journey abroad could really be the best thing for me right now.  I hate when she's always right.

The more I think about Praha (that's Czech for 'Prague,' in case you were wondering), the more I think about what it means to make the most of this opportunity.  I can now travel the entire world on my own terms.  No deadlines, no commitments, no restrictions.  Opportunities like this don't come very often.  I can travel the world teaching English.  Europe.  Asia.  South America.  Australia (okay, so I can't teach English there, but I can at least visit). 

As of March 1st, I won't have any commitments to this city.  Sure, I'll be leaving my friends and the foundation I built here behind, but I shouldn't let those things hinder me from living life on my own terms.  After I spend my 85 days in Europe, I'm off to either South America or Asia.  I'll return back to the States for a brief stint to collect the rest of my belongings, but then I head back overseas.  And the most thrilling thing about that?  I don't know when I'll return to the States.  Costa Rica, Brazil, Japan, and South Korea are at the top of my 'must-see' list, and all of those countries offer plenty teaching positions.

I always had a plan.  I always had some kind of direction that I wanted my life to head in, but for the first time ever, I have no plan and no direction.  It's terrifying, intimidating, and overwhelming, but you can't put a price on experiences that have the ability to change your life forever. 


* title of the post is a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love.