Blo Mo.

Well, I did it!  I officially survived and finished NaBloPoMo.  What did I learn from this experience? 

• Blogging every day sucks.  Especially when I have nothing "important" or "creative" to write about.
• Blogging on the weekends is even worse.  My weekends are spent away from my blog and [most of the time] away from computers.  Having to put a reminder into my crackberry to blog on Saturdays and Sundays officially marks my nerdom status.
• Thinking of topics to blog about hurts my brain.
• I'm never doing NaBloPoMo again.  Ever.
• Nor will I be participating in NaNoWriMo.  Or whatever the hell it's called.
• Blogging for 30 days straight makes me not want to blog ever for a good week or two.
• The month of November is the longest. month. ever.  But I only think that because I had to blog every day.
  

I'm glad I conformed to society's norms participated, but you can bet I won't be blogging for a little while.  Perhaps now I can focus more on perfecting my blow job skills work-related stuff and less on "ohmygawdIforgottoblog!"

P.S. I'm still waiting for my date to Checkers.  And I expect a good cuddle session afterwards.  You know who you are...

the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten

I went out to dinner with a friend tonight (after I bought $85 worth of groceries, but hey, he paid for dinner) and we went out to Chinatown (go figure).

Tonight, I realized why I only eat at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, Sang Ke. 

We walked into the restaurant and got seated by the tanks full of fish, crabs, shrimps and eel.  Yes, eel.  We also experienced a little misty shower during our dinner (the employees were feeding the fish with the shrimp) which added to the awesome ambiance.  I didn't realize I needed an umbrella or poncho when I dined in Chinatown.

Anyway, so my friend ordered us an appetizer and I perused the 85-item menu, from frog to eel to ox, you name it, it was on the menu.  I ended up getting the Singapore rice noodles and he got he Peking duck. 

Our appetizer came (that's what she said) and it looked like red tubes.  I asked him what it was and he said, "fried pork."  It sure didn't look like fried pork.  So I tried it.  A little chewy, but it wasn't bad.  As I kept eating it, I started feeling queezy.  I don't think this was fried pork.

We finished our dinner and the check arrived with two fortune cookies and four orange slices. 

"I bet you the cost of dinner that you can't eat those four orange slices in two minutes." he said.

"Three minutes!!" I replied.

"Two and a half minutes.  You eat all four of those orange slices in two and a half minutes and I'll pay for dinner."

(little did he know, he was going to pay for dinner anyway - sucka.)

So he sets his watch and I grab the first orange slice.  Of course I'm laughing like a little girl as I'm eating these oranges, but I managed to consume all four of them in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. 

Well worth it.

OK, not really, but I can add that onto the "Skills" section of my resume, right?!

So he drops me off after dinner and about twenty minutes later, he sends me a text.

"You enjoyed your tripe!"

I immediately knew what he was talking about.  I nearly gagged.  Tripe is disgusting.  But perhaps it's not nearly as disgusting as what I actually consumed at dinner, which was...

wait for it....

wait for it....



FRIED PIG INTESTINE

Reason #58607 why I'm never going to China.

Ever.

And reason #6908 why I'm never going out to dinner with him again.

Ever.

Sometimes I really hate my friends...
 

Arrested Development

My Saturday night's are usually spent fornicating drinking with friends, but tonight it was spent watching Arrested Development.  Everyone told me it was a great show but I never really agreed.  That all changed when I was home for Thanksgiving and introduced to Fancast. 

I think I found my new favorite TV show. 

It makes your family seem normal compared to the Bluth's.

I want my own Tobias.  And I need to find a guy who wears cut-off jeans all the time.

family importance

Today is really Friday, but it feels like a Sunday.  I'm heading back to MY home tomorrow evening and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.  As much as I love spending time with my brother, I'm looking forward to going home to my own bed, my own room, my own house.

It's weird being home.  It's weird to drive down the same street I grew up on.  It's weird to walk into the same house I grew up in.

My brother asked me if I would ever move back to Pittsburgh.  Truth be told, never.  I know that sounds harsh, but Pittsburgh just isn't doing it for me anymore.  Besides my brother and a couple friends, I have nothing here for me.  The job market is lousy because the Steel City is still recovering from low-class economy.

I like the big city life because I never experienced it when I was growing up.  Our vacations were spent in upstate NY visiting family.  I guess I lived a somewhat sheltered childhood because I didn't grow up with cable television (my brother still doesn't have it - shocking, I know), central air (again, my brother still doesn't have it) or big vacation destinations.

My brother said something this weekend that really struck a cord in me:

"We were a poor family."

I never really considered my family to be "poor" growing up.  Sure, our parents never really bought us much stuff and we never wore labels, but I didn't think that meant we were poor.  But looking back on it now, our neighborhood is a low-class neighborhood (although you wouldn't think by looking at some of the houses in the area) and we went to a poor school district that was a center for school shootings (true story) and fights.
It's definitely not a school district I would ever send my kids to.  And while most school districts get better over time, it seems that ours has gotten worse.

I moved to a big city to give myself a better life.  I work hard for every penny I earn and I take pride in every penny I spend (regardless of my reasons for spending).  I don't have my parents income to fall back on.  I've used up some of my parents estate inheritance so I could put food on my table and a roof over my head.  I always thought I'd save that to buy my first house, but I've been using it to live my own life.

Last night my brother and I talked about something we rarely talk about - money.  While I've been trying to make a name for myself, so has my brother.  And only to realize now that he is a lot less fortunate than I am.  My brother basically put his own life on hold so that I could have one of my own.  He sacrificed his future [with his wife] so that I could have my "big city" life.  He's barely making ends meat.  He has no full-time job and barely any health insurance.  I want to help him but I'm at such a huge loss.  I owe him so much but I don't know where to begin.

Sometimes I really despise living 300 miles away from him because I can't spend more time with him like I have this weekend and I can't help him out with finances like he needs it.  Sure, I can send him money every once in a while, but I'd rather take him and his wife out to a nice dinner on a Saturday night because I know they'd appreciate that more.

It's been a rough Thanksgiving weekend for me between my dog dying and both of my brothers being very sick.  I'm shocked I haven't had a huge mental break down yet.  But this weekend definitely made me realize and value the importance of family.  It's difficult when all three of us live so far away from each other, but it makes "going home for the holidays" so much sweeter.


As much as I'm looking forward to going back to my home, I can't wait to come back to this home for Christmas...

praying

As the last hour of Thanksgiving Day ticks, I feel myself being more thankful for my family now, more than ever. 

Last Fall my brother underwent brain surgery to remove a benign tumor on his pituitary.  It was in the smack-dab middle of his brain and they had to go up through his nose to remove the tumor.  At the same time, he was diagnosed with diabetes and vertigo, making his health now even worse.  His tumor came back about six months ago, so they put him on anti-tumor pills, but his sinus infections seem to trigger his vertigo, making most days unbearable for him to even get out of bed.

I'm not religious, but I find myself praying for my brother with every day that passes.

Today, I'm going to pray even harder.

My brother called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and update me on his life.  We don't really talk much over the phone (mainly because he's too sick to talk for extended periods of time), so any communication we have is via text message or email.  It was nice to hear his voice though.  I haven't seen him since last Christmas, and I really missed him at Thanksgiving dinner tonight.

Anyway, tonight as he was updating me on school, work and health, he mentioned he will be getting another surgery in late January.  This time it's to help alleviate his meniere's disease.  While the surgery has a 70% success rate, it could also permanently make him deaf. 

It's all overwhelming and I'm barely processing all of it.  Mainly because I don't want to process any of it.  I hate seeing my brother so sick.  He's supposed to be the strong one in the family.

Today, I'm thankful that my brother's are still with me.  I'm thankful for quality time together, for laughing with them, for making jokes (and being the butt of them) and for all of our childhood memories that I'll carry with me to my grave.  Today, more than every, I'm thankful that I have the two best brothers in the world, even if we don't have the best relationship, even if we aren't that close.

Be thankful for your family, your friends and everything you've experienced in your life ... because you never know when it will be taken away from you. 

counting my blessings

"Cause I'm thankful for the blessings

And the lessons that I've learned..."

I'm thankful for:

having relatively good health. being with family. having food on my plate on this day. laughing. breathing. crying. soldiers over seas who are fighting for our freedom. television. football. pumpkin pie. puppies. memories with my family. smiling. reminiscing. good friends. my job. my other job. being an advocate. being a survivor. providing for myself. good days. warm weather. internet. laziness. sleeping. talking. a warm blanket. heating my house. hot chocolate with a shot of baileys. delicious thanksgiving food. being a good cook. my parents providing me with a great life. hope that I can provide my future children with the same. knowing both of my brothers and I will be together for Christmas. a few days away from work. quiet moments. relaxing moments. holidays.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving!

16 years

They say a dog is a man's best friend.  I've lost pets before - bunnies, guinea pigs, and even other puppies - but this one somehow seemed more painful than the rest.

I remember getting my puppy from a pet store on my brother's birthday.  I was so excited to have my first puppy - or at least a puppy to call my own.  We took her home and provided her with a great life.  It's always painful when they get sick or you have to take them to the vet for something.

Today, I came home to make the decision to put my puppy down.  She had been very sick for a while - throwing up, urinating around the house and days when she could barely walk around or even eat.  The moment she saw me, she immediately perked up, waged her tail and starting giving me kisses.  Those are the moments I'll always cherish.  But I could tell she was sick.  She limped around, she whined a lot and she just looked ... sick.  It broke my heart seeing her in that state, but as much as I wanted her with me still, it killed me to see her in such pain.  Deep in my heart, I know I made the right decision.  I know she's living a happier life.

She had a wonderful life and she gave me 16 wonderful years full of memories, love and happiness.  I know she was "just a dog" but she was part of my family and I loved her like I would love my own child.  Heartbreaking doesn't even describe it.

May she rest in peace.

the wounds will heal, but the scars will remain forever

{via}

Time heals all wounds, but scars leave a permanent mark.  On your skin.  On your soul.  On your ego.  On your heart.  And sometimes the wounds that take the longest to heal are the ones that have penetrated the deepest part of your soul. 

I used to believe in second chances.  To make amends.  Show growth.  Believe that the other person has the capacity to change their ways.  I give someone a second chance because I want to believe that they are a good person and that they do, indeed, have the capacity to change.  The reality is: people don't change - we are who we are. 

Nine times out of 10, I get burned on the second chance.  Betrayal.  Deceit.  Heartache.  The second chance always stings more than the first.  But I choose to get burned because I learn from every opportunity, decision and mistake I make.  I want to believe that there really are good people in this world and I just want someone to be that person.

I thought I would be okay.  I am, for the most part, but I still have that stinging feeling I can't shake.  Feeling taken advantage of.  Feeling vulnerable.  Feeling like a man got the best of me and ran away the first second he could.  Just thinking about it is enough to knock me down on my strongest day.  

If there's one thing I learned from therapy, it's to work through any pain you feel.  Acknowledge it, work through it, and then let it go.  Ignoring or hiding the pain will just make things worse.  Acknowledging the pain is easy; it's working through it that's the tough part.  Realizing that even the smartest man has his flaws.  Understanding that sharing too much too soon is never a good thing.  Knowing that your life was fine before he was a part of it and it will be fine again after you make him leave it.

Sometimes second chances aren't worth it.  Sometimes friendships and dating just don't mix.  Sometimes you really can't be just friends after you've become completely vulnerable to someone.  And sometimes you realize that it's not you, it's him and his flaws.  

"The things we said and did have left permanent scars..."

- Just a Feeling, Maroon 5 -

asking permission, the guy who's falling madly in love with me, cheesy wedding songs and just letting things happen

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

No, I'm not engaged.

(just wanted to clear the air) 


It seems like everyone is talking marriage/weddings lately.  And no, I don't say that just because she recently got engaged (who, by the way, I am so happy for!), but because a good handful of my friends have "wedding/marriage" on their minds.

My best friend is talking weddings and marriage in 2010 and she isn't even engaged yet.  Another friend of mine is getting married in June 2010.  And another friend of mine is getting married in August 2010. 

And you can bet I'm buying one dress and wearing it to all three weddings.

So, I have a huge fear of getting married after 30.  I don't know why, I just do.  Maybe because a lot of my friends are married and living their "happily ever after."  Or maybe because everyone says: "it's all down hill after 30" and I'd like to at least be engaged before it all goes down hill.  Or maybe because I'm afraid if I don't get my "happily ever after" by the time I'm 30, I'll never get it.

Yesterday I had a conversation with the guy that is falling madly in love with me (true story).  I commented on how it's supposed to snow over Thanksgiving break back home.  And I may or may not have said something like: "I knew I should have gone to Florida with you."  

His reply?

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

So about two or three months ago I had a conversation with the guy that is falling in love with me (I need a better nickname for him).  He told me he was moving to Florida in March for his job and I jokingly said something to the effect of:

"I expect an engagement ring before you leave."

I was joking!


After I said that, I immediately kicked myself and then told him I was kidding.  We haven't discussed engagement rings, marriage, weddings or the like since then.

Actually, that's a lie.  We drove down Walnut Street about a month ago and passed Tiffany's.  He made some comment about it (can't remember what) and I think I said something back (again, can't remember what).  I may have been drunk at the time.  Or I may have been not listening.

Sometimes I block people out when they talk to me.  Don't judge me.

Anyway.  We were in Tampa for a hockey tournament about a month and a half ago and we were discussing holiday plans.  He told me he was going home to Florida for Thanksgiving but that he was staying in Virginia for Christmas.  So because I feel that no one should ever have to spend Christmas alone, I invited him back to Pittsburgh to spend it with my family.  Sounds innocent enough, right?

Wrong.

A man who has plans of getting married to the girl and is going to Pittsburgh to meet the girl's family can only mean one thing.


The quest to ask for permission.

Excuse me while I go have an anxiety attack.

It's been like three months since I've been "seeing" this guy who is falling madly in love with me and I can't figure him out.  A good chunk of the time I want to ring his neck.  But then he has those shining moments when I think I genuinely like him and it cancels out those bad thoughts.

Every other relationship I've had, I've jumped right into it.  Mainly because I was drunk I didn't really know any better, but also because that relationship immediately had a spark.  This one?  Well, I'm still trying to find that spark.  I don't want to give up just yet, but I also don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with him.  Or vice versa.


You know that saying: nice guys finish last?  Yeah, I'm starting to figure out why they finish last.  I'm so used to dating crappy guys that I don't really know what it's like to date a nice, good, quality guy.  All of my friends who have met this guy tell me they like him.  They tell me he really is good for me.  So why is it so hard for me to see that?

Hindsight's only 20/20.

I know I need to give him an honest chance, but it's hard to break away from my norm (or what I consider my "norm" over the last four years). 

I always had that fantasy of what "meeting the family" and "living together" and "getting married" would be like.  I realize I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to rush into anything, but I also realize that sometimes life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. 

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and let things happen on their own.

So... don't be surprised if you receive a wedding invitation from me this spring.

PS.  If/When I get married, I'm totally making this my wedding song.  Or this.

blog swap... kind of

Manic Monday.

You can find today's post here.

Tomorrow you'll get a real post.  I promise.

Maybe.

Sunday Bullets

• Today I slept in 'till 1:30PM and I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed.  It felt so awesome.  I wish I could sleep in every day.
• In an effort to enrich my education, I went to Barnes and Noble this weekend and bought a book on fundraising for non-profits guide.  Now, I don't usually buy that kind of stuff (mostly because I want to think I have all the answers when in reality, I don't), but I'm trying this thing called "reaching out and asking for more help."  So I spent a good part of today reading the book and taking notes.  It's actually quite helpful and I'm learning a lot more about fundraising and how to run a non-profit.  
• The upcoming work week is a short one (thank god) and I'm gearing up for a trip back home.  Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to going home and spending quality time with my family, regardless of how chaotic Thanksgiving day is going to be.  I'll be sure to pack my xanax and four bottles of wine in my luggage.
• I just realized that after I come back from Thanksgiving, my sports leagues start up.  I'll now be playing hockey on Tuesdays, co-ed soccer on Thursdays and women's soccer on Sundays.  Not to mention, my big hockey tournament in two weeks that I forgot I signed up for.  But you know what's even more awesome?  My ankle.  Giving me issues.  Especially at night when I wake up in the middle of the night and it's THROBBING (that's what she said).  
• One more week left of NaBloPoMo.  I can't effing wait until November is over.  And I'm never doing NaBloPoMo ever again.  I thought it would be cool to post every day, about all kinds of creative things, but now I realize I have nothing creative to write about - or maybe I'm just suffering from writer's block this month.  One this is over, I plan on taking a respite from blogging.  Maybe.
• My attempt at Christmas shopping this weekend failed.  Instead I went out to lunch with a friend, went to the book store, and then proceeded to buy a housewarming present for a friend.  Epic Fail.
• I'm glad Thanksgiving is this week because not only is it my favorite holiday, but it means I have a 4.5 day vacation where I can sleep in, eat lots of yummy food, drink and sleep some more.  It's going to be awesome.

Finally, I leave you with a joke.  Ahem.  Get ready, it's a good one.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

Thank you and good night!

squeeze really hard

Tonight I went out to the bar with absolutely no intentions of getting laid drunk.  Surprised?  Yeah, so am I.  All I wanted was to sit a the bar, enjoy a few drinks and chat with a friend.

What did I get?

A noisy bar surrounded by drunk bitches.  One of whom I nearly punched in the face because her other friend couldn't hold her liquor, stumbled to the bar to put her empty glass down and elbowed me in the side during the process.  So I called her out, shot her one of my infamous dirty looks and she apologized.  Then her friend makes some snide remark, I tell her she needs to stop being a cunt (yes, I said "cunt") and hold her liquor. 

Was that too harsh?

I mean really, is it too much to ask for cunts girls to hold their liquor?  I mean, I'm all about having fun with your friends and pounding a few drunks back, but there's really no need to get trashed and fumble around the bar. 

Well, unless you're this girl.

She likes fumbling around the bar.  She also likes intimate dinner dates, walks on the beach at sunset, heavy petting, holding hands, hugging and paying for dinner.

But she'll have to take you out on a second date before she makes you put out.


And by "put out," I mean ... hug her.


Hugs.  She loves them.  Lots and lots of hugs.  Squeeze really, really hard.


(that's what she said)

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

(via)

Messy, yet simple.

Crowded, yet elegant.

Lost, yet beautiful.

Broken, yet unique.

I woke up today feeling out of sorts.  I still feel out of it.  I mean, I'm here, I'm doing things and making strides, but I don't feel like myself.  I feel lost and messy and broken. 

I'm making great strides to help eradicate cervical cancer and raise awareness for the disease, but I don't feel like I'm making a difference; I don't feel like my actions are being noticed.

I'm making a conceited effort to learn more so I can grow professionally, but I still feel uneducated.

I'm making a conceited effort to read more, but I still feel like the stack of books just keep piling up on my desk.

I'm making a conceited effort to teach myself new programs, new software, and new projects, but I feel like I'm failing. 

I think I finally reached my breaking point.  I'm doing too much, I'm working too hard, I'm forcing myself to believe I can do it all.  I'm forcing myself to believe I'm invincible, but now it's caught up to me.  I need to stop doing so much.  I need to stop thinking so much.  I need to stop trying to cram 4928 projects into one single day, and let myself complete one project each day.  But it's hard (that's what she said) to not do too much, to not work so hard, to not believe I can do it all.  I want to be successful.  I want to make a change.  But I realize that I'm pushing myself beyond my limits and it's finally come at a cost.

I'm just glad tomorrow's a new day.

"I have to believe my actions still have meaning ... I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there..."

on concerts

The very first concert I ever attended was in high school to see Everclear.  To be honest, I didn't really listen to Everclear much, but the tickets were cheap and I figured, hey, what not, right?  Trojan was a sponsor for the concert so of course they were giving out free blow jobs  free samples. 

The opening act was Black Eyed Peas.  Yes, that's right, I saw Black Eyed Peas live in concert.  Of course, no one knew who the hell they were at this time because this was during their pre-Fergie and pop music era.  Everclear finally took the stage and the crowd (as usual) goes wild.  My friends and I attempted to push and squeeze our way to the front of the crowds.  There was a huge railing separating the crowd from the stage and security was all over the place.  About halfway through the show, they decided to bring some people on stage with them.  My one friend and I were chosen to go on stage with them and I am pretty sure at that point I was shrieking like a 4 year old.  We got to dance on stage with Everclear.  It was unbelievably awesome.  And I may or may not have given a blow job  stolen one of Art Alexakis's (lead guitarist and singer) guitar pics as I was leaving the stage. 

So the concert ends, the security kicks every one out and my friends and I walk around the streets of downtown.  At like midnight.  In a bad neighborhood.  I'm shocked that we weren't stabbed/raped/gang banged.  Anyway, so prior to the concert they were giving away back stage passes and of course we didn't win one.  But as we were sitting on the curb waiting for our ride, we saw a woman who did win a back stage pass walk past us.  So we asked her all these questions like, "Did you put out?"  "Did you meet them?  How awesome was it?  What were they like?"  Instead of answering our questions, she gives us her back stage pass and said, "go check it out yourself!"  Our jaws dropped.  We snatched the pass from her and literally RAN all the way back to the concert building.  We get to the door and security is blocking the entrance.  Go figure.  So my one friend offers a blow job  flirts with the security guard to no avail.  So then my other friend flirts with the security guard.  That didn't work.  Finally, I busted out my moves.  Shockingly, that didn't work either.  So then we pleaded and begged the security guard to let us past.  We even showed our back stage pass.  After about twenty minutes of bitching, moaning and whining, he finally let us through.  We run inside and witness the band signing autographs.  We try to play it cool and swagga (oh yes, I went there) over towards the band.  They turn to us, we strike up conversation, telling them how awesome they are and how awesome the show was.  They sign our naked chests  concert tickets, we take pictures and then we're kicked out.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say that concert was about a 25.  Seriously, what are the chances of meeting the band at your very first concert?!  It was beyond awesome.  And I still have the autographed concert ticket that I may or may not have laminated and it may or may not be framed with the guitar pic I stole. 

Don't judge me.

My second concert was to see LFO.  Remember them??  I may or may not have bought their CD.  And I may or may not still have it.  Anyway, a friend and I saw them in concert sometime during our high school years.  God, I can't believe I'm admitting that I saw LFO in concert.  I guess it could be worse - it could have been Hanson or the BSB. 

Moving on...

My third concert was during my freshman year of college to see John Mayer.  I went with my best friend and to be honest, the concert experience totally sucked.  It was raining, it was cold and my friend wanted to leave early because she wasn't really into him at all.  Needless to say, I was kind of pissed.  Who the hell leaves a concert early?!  Apparently we do.  Yeah, that concert experience totally blew donkey dick.  Hard.  (that's what she said.)

Then I went to see Hoobastank with a guy I was dating in college and his friend and girlfriend.  The concert was pretty decent.  Even though I didn't really know the band that well, I am now in love with them.  Although they haven't put out (that's what she said) a good album since their first one.  But I did MEET THEM.  Yes, I know you're jealous.  And I have pictures.  And I may or may not have grabbed the lead singer's ass while we were taking pictures. 

Then I went to FarmAID in Philadelphia about three or four years ago.  It's a big charity concert that raises awareness for Farms.  And I think it had something to do with food?  Anyway, the main reason I went was to see Dave Matthews.  Of course, he put on a good show, but he did it solo, so it wasn't as spectacular as I thought it was going to be.  Of course we all got drunk (and some of us may or may not have experienced drugs that sometimes come in a cigarette-like form).  Overall it was a good concert.  And I have a t-shirt from it that says "Farmer's kick ass."  But instead of the word "ass" there's a picture of a donkey.  Yeah, it's awesome.  Be jealous.

Then I went to see Dave Matthews Band about two years ago and it was one of the better concerts I've attended. Especially since he performed my absolute favorite DMB song ever, Crush.  Sometimes I dream of him singing that to me every night as I fall asleep.

What?

So, in 2009 I went to zero concerts.  ZERO.  I'm shocked.  I tried to go to the DMB concert a few months ago with a friend (she already had tickets) but I wasn't thrilled about dropping $150 on lawn seats.  I love you, Dave, but not $150 worth for lawn seats.  Sorry.

This morning, I woke up to a lovely email from Ticketmaster with a list of some of their 2010 concerts.  As I scrolled down the list, I noticed something about John Mayer.  Turns out he's coming to Philadelphia in February and I'm so going to be there.  And I may or may not have already bought my tickets.  And I may even wear my fitted "I heart John Mayer" tee. 

I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

in the zone

{via}

"I really like you.  You're beautiful, intelligent, and dynamic.  You make me laugh - and it's rare to find a woman who can make me laugh.  And you laugh at my jokes, which I think is great.  But... here's the thing.  If we continue to date each other, I'm going to turn into a douchebag and disappear after a couple months and never talk to you.  Because that's what I do.  I date someone for a little while and then bail.  And then find someone else to date for a while and bail.  I don't know why - maybe because I've been in a committed relationship for 10 years and it's the Bachelor screaming in me - but it's just what I do for right now.  Maybe down the road when I'm ready for another relationship, we can pursue it, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you.  Because I really, really do like you - I think the world of you - but I really want to be close friends years from now and I just don't want to ruin whatever we have, whatever this is."  

Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?

Well, I do.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.  I just had a hunch.  While I appreciate his honesty and upfront-ness, it still stings.  Investing some time into a person, beginning to feel something for someone, all to get pushed into the Friend Zone at the end.

I don't know how to maintain a friendship with an ex.  Ex-boyfriend.  Ex-dater.  Ex-whateveryoucallit.  In fact, I don't talk to any guys that I've been involved with.  Not my college boyfriend.  Not the guy I dated last summer or two years ago.  Not even any of the guys I've had casual encounters with.  Actually, that's a lie.  I'm good friends with one guy that I had a brief stint with.  But for the most part, I don't know how to be friends with an ex.  Because the friendship is never the same, and things are always off kilter when your ex starts dating someone else.  And I'm the kind of person who falls hard and fast for someone, and would prefer not to experience the after-effects of trying to maintain a friendship with an ex.

Thankfully, I haven't invested too many feelings or emotions into this (which is exactly why I dislike relationships - the feelings!  the emotions!  the break-ups!  I can't handle it!!), but it still stings.  It's like someone punched me in the stomach.  Because we shared intimate secrets, stories, and life experiences with each other and I allowed myself to become vulnerable to him.  It still hurts when you really do like someone - and those feelings are returned - but the guy just can't commit.  Or he won't commit.  Perhaps it's not the fact that he doesn't want a commitment right now (which is fine, because frankly I don't think I could handle a serious commitment right now, either), so much as it is the fact that he knows and wants to be a serial dater, and won't let anyone hold him back from being that.

Don't get me wrong, I get the whole enjoy your singlehood and date around thing, I do.  I did it, I enjoyed it.  It even made for some great blog fodder.  I guess I just don't understand it when feelings are returned and invested.  Am I too old-fashioned by believing in monogamy? 

Now I know why he made the rule of not dating anyone from the gym or hockey leagues.  Because whether we stay friends or not, I still have to see him at least once a week.  But at least he's off to Brazil for three weeks, so I have some time to figure out where to go from here. 

Is it really possible to stay close friends with an ex or someone you dated?  Or am I just that socially incompetent?

tomato, tomahto

When I was in third grade, my parents made me take speech classes because I couldn't pronounce my "R's" correctly.  My classmates used to make fun of me because of that.  And then I killed them. To this day, I hate any word with the letter "R" in it.  Especially the small words like "are" and "for."

Pittsburgh has somehow developed its own jargon called "Pittsburgh-ese."  We say things like "dahntahn" (downtown) and "Stillers" (Steelers).  And we say phrases like: "Yinz goin' dahntahn to see dem Stillers 'n at?"  which translates to: "Are you guys going downtown to watch the Steelers game?"

I was fortunate enough not to grow up with a Pittsburgh accent.  Although I occasionally catch myself saying "yinz" (translates to "you guys").  And I definitely say "pop" instead of "soda."  Philly people mock me endlessly for that one.  And if you're lucky enough, you'll hear me say things like "jagoff," "gumband" and "hoagie."  I guess "hoagie" isn't that unusual, but true Philadelphian's say "subs" and I've been called out for saying "hoagie" a couple times in the past.

Recently, I've started becoming more conscious of what I say.  Or rather, how I say it.

Example.

I say:  "elemen-TARY"

You say: "elementree"

Use it in a sentence.  "I barely remember anything from elemen-tary school."

Yes, that's how I pronounce it.  I never thought it was weird until recently when all of my friends point out the fact that it's the wrong pronunciation.  It's spelled E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y.  Right?  RIGHT.

How do you say: W-H-E-N?

"When" right?  As in: "When did you send me the email?"

I say: "win."  As in, "Win are you going to the bar?"

Don't judge me. 

So the holiday that's coming up is Thanksgiving.  Or shall I say, THANKSgiving.  So I took a poll to see how many people say "Thanksgiving."  The results came back and most people emphasize it as: "ThanksGIVing."

I asked my brother the other night how he says it and he says it the same way I do.  So I'm starting to think it's a Pittsburgh thing.  I guess I do have an accent.  At least it's not a big one.

(that's what she said).

on happiness

(via)

Positively Present is one of my favorite blogs to read.  It gives advice on how to be more positive and happy in our lives.  And really, who doesn't need that?

I saw the picture above on today's post.  It really struck a chord in me.  And I started thinking, how happy am I really?

Six years ago I was living in Pittsburgh, finishing school and getting ready to embark on another chapter.  Six years ago I wasn't happy.  I had just ended a bad relationship and all I wanted to do was finish school and leave the city.  Pittsburgh is a small town.  It's a college town and most people who grow up in Pittsburgh, don't leave.  I knew that I didn't want to be one of those people.  All of my friends from high school went to Penn State and found their way back to Pittsburgh.  I didn't want to be like them, either.

When I applied for jobs, I landed two: one with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia and the other with the Attorney General's office in Washington, D.C.  My dream was to live in D.C.  But at the time, I knew I couldn't afford it.  So I declined the job offer and took the one in Philadelphia.  My first year in Philly was tough.  The only person I knew in this city was my ex and I had no intentions of spending any time with him.  It took me a while before I branched out of my comfort zone, but I found a few sports leagues to join and I attended some networking events with co-workers.  By the end of that first year, I had built myself a nice social network.

It's been five years now and that original social network no longer exists, but I believe that I've made myself a better social network.  I believe that those friends I met during that first year here weren't really "friends."  Maybe they were temporary friends; maybe I was just holding out until a better friend came along.

Twenty-five years of living has taught me to dispose of all the crappy friends in my life.  I learned that second chances don't come often - and if I give you a second chance, well, you better make the most of it.  I learned that certain people will always let you down and sometimes it's those friends who you never thought could, end up exceeding your expectations. You're going to have crappy friends and those friends who will do anything for you - but it's up to you to realize what they are worth to you.  Sometimes we forget that; we forget how worthy a friend really is to us.  We focus too much on those moments they let us down and forget about those moments they stood beside us when we really needed them. 

The friends I've made over the last five years are worth more than the weight of gold.  The memories I've created in this city are unforgettable.

Am I happy?

Yes.  Absolutely.  I may not be happy every second of every day, but I'm happy with the life I've created for myself in this city.  I'm happy lucky to have the friends I do and the memories I'll never forget .  I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about living in Philadelphia; certain memories I have of this city sting every part of my body, but I'm working on letting go of that painful past and creating a unforgettable, happy future for myself.  I still have a lot of work to do, but so far, I think I've done pretty well.

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better."

- Garden State -

reason #45786 why I'm an alcoholic:

I received an email from a friend today that said:

"...I think I'm having a baby."

My friend is 25 years old and unemployed.  And she still lives at home with her parents.  I think my head exploded after reading that email.

I can't even process that sentence yet.  Mainly because I don't want to process that because I know that IF she is pregnant, she's going to keep it and I don't support that decision at all based on her financial status and lack of employment... and the fact that she is just not ready to bring a baby into this world.  But I have to support her through this because it's what friends do. 

"...we all need mirrors to remind ourselves of who we are..."

(I apologize again, for the crappy post today.  I actually had a really great post to write, but then that happened and well... I had to vent about it.  Feel free to delete me from your readers now.)

let me google that for... myself

I'm participating in my non-profit's suicide pool and I'm one of five people left.  Oh yeah, and I'm the only girl remaining.  The winner of the pool wins $225.  You know what I can buy with $225?  A lot of hookers and blow.  A sweet Nintendo Wii.

So this week, my picks were the Arizona Cardinals and the Minnesota Vikings.  My friend couldn't decided between the Pittsburgh Steelers or the Baltimore Ravens.  I knew going into this weekend that the Steelers wouldn't beat the Bungles.  He told me I was wrong (saying that the Steelers wouldn't lose to Cincinnati twice), but I knew I'd be right. 

Turns out?  I was right. 

I'm always right.

me: you're lucky you went with the Ravens this week

him: I was testing you.

me:  I may not be as smart as you, but I know my football.

him:  sure, what's an illegal shift?

me:  a shift that's illegal

him:  how about encroachment

me: advancing beyond the line illegally

him:  intentional grounding

me: quarterback throws the football away to avoid a sack

him:  boarding?

me: ::thinking::  no.

him:  charging?

me:  no.  stop giving me hockey terms.

him:  test.  google helps, doesn't it?

OK fine, maybe I had some help with google - but I still know my football.  And I'm still going to win this pool.  And I'm still going to buy some hookers and blow myself a nintendo wii.

(I apologize for this lame post.  NaBloPoMo is getting the best of me right now and I'm only half way through.  I promise to post something more substantial about hookers and blow tomorrow.)

"it's only life"

Today my non-profit held our charity soccer tournament.  It's events and days like today that stress me out.  I always, always go into these events wishing we raised hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet we always end up walking away with a hundred ... or a couple thousand, like we did tonight.

But surprisingly, I'm proud of my team for working as hard as they did and raising almost $2,000.  It makes doing what I do so much more enjoyable and rewarding.  It makes my life more complete.

Today was a learning experience.  It was our second biggest fundraiser and it somehow turned out being our most profitable one yet. 


Today I learned that hard work really does pay off.  And if you put your faith in certain people, everything will come together as it needs to.  And maybe hopefully someday this will grow into something bigger and better than what it already is.


Today I learned that "it's only life..."  We work so hard to pay our bills; we work so hard at maintaining friendships and relationships; we work so hard to reap the rewards.  It's only life.  It's not about the money or how hard you work or how hard you fall; it's about life - living it and loving it.  Even on your darkest day, it's only life.


Tonight, as the clock strikes midnight, I leave you with one of my favorite songs and a piece of advice, especially for all of your twenty-something's out there:

take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,

just take your time, it's only life

 

the good, the bad... and a lewis black joke

I've lived in this City of Brotherly love for about five years now and it's been five years too long  it's time for the good, the bad and...a Lewis Black joke.

And since it's Friday, you get bullets.

You're welcome.

The Good:

• Kelly Drive.  I absolutely despise driving on 76 (aka the "Schuylkill" - more on that later).  I am absolutely terrible with navigating (just ask her), so it took me a good long while to find back roads in this city.  I finally figured out how to get onto Kelly Drive from the city and I have to say, I love driving on it.  Except when drunk.  Never take Kelly Drive when intoxicated because of all the twists and turns.  But on a warm, summer night I find myself turning the music up a little louder, rolling my windows down a little lower and just taking it all in (that's what she said).  

• Boat House Row.  If you drive on the Schuylkill or Kelly Drive at night, you'll eventually see Boat House Row.  And it's absolutely gorgeous.  See?

• Art Museum on the 4th of July.  I love fireworks, and not just on Independence Day.  I've seen many fireworks shows in several different cities in my lifetime and I have to say, the fireworks at the Art Museum on the 4th of July are breathtaking.  Plus, the city has musical performances.  Last year it was Sheryl Crow and the year before that it was John Legend.  Seriously?  It's awesome.  If you live in this city and haven't experienced sex the fireworks, do it next summer.  See?

(this poster doesn't do it justice)

• Soft pretzels.  I've eaten a lot of cock soft pretzels in my day and philly soft pretzels kick every other city's soft pretzel ass.  Spicy mustard on the side, please.

• The Phanatic.  Even though I don't like the Phillies, I will say that they have the best. mascot. ever.  

(at the World Series Parade - 2008)

•  Parks.  The parks here are phenomenal.  I walk through Rittenhouse Park every day and it's by far one of my favorite things about living in this city.  Especially during the summer when everyone is out enjoying the nice weather.  Love Park which has the renown Love statue (case closed).  And finally,  Fairmount Park, which is the largest public park in the country.  True story.  It even kicks Central Park's ass.  Central Park is 843 acres and Fairmount Park is 9200 acres.  How you like them apples, NYC!

The Bad:

• The Schuylkill (pronounced "school-kill").  Or as I call it, the Highway to Hell.  I avoid it at all costs because of the gi-normous cluster f*ck that it always is.  

• The Philadelphia Eagles.  Here's an idea.  Let's work really hard to win the NFC Championship, punch your ticket to the Super Bowl and then once you get to the Superbowl, CHOKE!  Seriously, it's time to trade in McNabb and Reid. 
  

• The Philadelphia Phillies.  I'd be lying if I said I was mad when the Yankees won the World Series this year.  Truth be told, I can't stand 99% of the Phillies.  Except Cole Hamels.  He's hot and I'd totally have his babies if his wife would let me.

• Philadelphia Cheesesteaks.  I've never eaten so many cheesesteaks in the last five years than I have my entire life.  And granted, I haven't really eaten that many cheesesteaks, but when you live in the city that is known for them, it's kind of hard to turn one down.  Especially at 3AM when you're highly intoxicated. 
  

A Lewis Black joke:

• You ever read the ingredients in sunblock?  I've never seen those words anywhere.  You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you?  You go, "oh no, the sun's out!"  It could be zebra cum; you don't know.  You may not like that joke, but YOU DON'T KNOW.
  

Ba-dum-dum-tsss.

(the joke may or may not have been better hearing it from Lewis Black himself).

Enjoy your weekend!

choosing an authentic life

{via}

The domino effect.  One small change that naturally triggers more, with an intention for those changes to transform your life.

I've hit a crucial point in my life - re-evaluating my friendships, my relationships dating life, my career and my overall happiness.  I no longer want to settle for anything less than what I truly want.  And I want authenticity - the real thing - in every area of my life.  Except that I can't simply acquire authenticity, I have to become it.

Friendships

This year has been a turning point in the friendship department.  I spent a significant amount of time analyzing my friendships and choosing which ones to hold onto. Our friendships aren't defined through the number of connections on Facebook, or the number of followers on Twitter, or the number of contacts we have stored in our cell phones.  Our friendships are defined by honesty and authenticity.  Of your 500+ friends on Facebook, how many of them do you actually talk to?  Like, in person having genuine conversations?  Small talk, for me, is fake.  I want real, stimulating conversations over wine and cheese, pancake brunches, or coffee.  Conversations that start in the early afternoon and continue well into the night.  I crave those meaningful conversations.

It took me a while to realize exactly what I need in my friendships.  For a while, it felt like my circle of friends was dwindling by the day, but I realized that I was just weeding out the friends who couldn't satisfy my needs.  I don't need 500 friends on Facebook as long as I have two or three close girl friends by my side. 

Career

I love what I do.  I have so much passion and dedication for the cause.  I want to make a difference in this world on a much larger scale than I am currently doing.  I know that it's going to take time, but sometimes I get impatient.

It took me two weeks to finish my applications for graduate school, and I nearly had an anxiety attack when I mailed them out, but now that the process is completed, I'm relieved.  Except for the fact that I'm now waiting for the schools to make a decision and dammit, I just want to know!  It took me a while to realize - and accept - that I need to return to school in order to launch my career on a larger scale.  I was putting it off for so long because I wasn't sure where my heart was.  I've worked in the legal field for nearly a decade now, and I really do enjoy it.  But I love my nonprofit, and I've worked too damn hard to give it up now.  I want a career where I can do both successfully, and hopefully graduate school will help me figure all of that out.

When you find your passion in your life, hold onto it because you don't know how long it will last.  

Relationships/Dating

I hate dating.  There, I said it.  It sucks.  I don't know what the "rules" are anymore.  I don't know what the boundaries are for comfortable and inappropriate.  I don't know whether I should offer to pay on the first date (which I did, and he declined) or just assume he's going to foot the bill.  I don't know if I'm supposed to be the one chasing after him, or let him chase after me.  I just. don't. know.

I hate the dating game even more so when the guy you're dating is nearly a decade older than you (not that age matters, but really, sometimes it does), is divorced, and takes life more seriously.  The rules become more complicated and things move incredibly slower. 

Yet, maybe this is exactly what I need right now - to be grounded with someone who has more life experience and can help guide me through all of this life stuff.  Or maybe I'll just end up in the infamous 'friend zone' by Thanksgiving. 

Working towards authenticity

I feel like I've hit a milestone.  Like I'll look back on my 27th year and remember all of the things I did to improve my quality of life.  Realizing my true self worth and refusing to settle for anything less than what I want.  Surrounding myself with people who make me happy.  Doing things that I'm passionate about.  Working toward a successful career.   

Isn't that what life's all about?

it's time to think teal

I say: "pink" you say: _____?

Panther?  Flowers?

No.

I bet 99.9% of you would say "breast cancer."

I say: "teal" you say _____?

::crickets::

Exactly.

Pink is automatically associated with breast cancer.  Teal is automatically associated with nothing.

During the month of October, I couldn't get away from seeing pink everywhere - in bars, in restaurants, at work and even on the jerseys of the Philadelphia Eagles football team.  Even as I type this, I realize that certain things on my blog are pink and I hate it.  I'm starting to despise the color because of how well branded it is with breast cancer.

What about all of the other types of cancers that are out there?

Did you know that the pancreatic cancer color is purple?  How many people do you know who had pancreatic cancer?

Did you know that cervical cancer is nearly 100% preventable if detected and treated early enough?  Did you know you can get HPV from heavy petting?!?!

I am proud to say I am a cervical cancer survivor.  A survivor.  That means I battled through intensive radiation and chemo therapy and survived.  That means I fought for my life and beat the odds.  That means I now have a story to tell, and a reason to care.  I'm starting to learn that there are very few people in this world (whom I've met) that actually care about my story.  Now granted, I haven't told my story to every person I've met, but I have been outed in Shape and Glamour magazine over the summer (and if you missed my article, well shame on you!).

Being an advocate for a disease like this isn't easy.  One hard truth is that I can't force people to care; they have to care on their own.  I can't force people to attend my fundraisers or donate money; they have to do it willingly.  I'm working so hard to raise awareness but most days I feel like I'm failing.  Most days I feel like the fundraisers we hold just aren't good enough because we aren't raising hundreds of thousands of dollars and hundreds of thousands of women aren't coming out every year to walk for our cause.

I raise awareness for this because when I was diagnosed at the age of 23, I knew very little about HPV and cervical cancer.  All I knew was that women get HPV from having sex.  I raise awareness for this because I want to educate the public on how important it is for women to get tested and checked every year; I want men to know that they are the reason why women get HPV.  I want people to know that it's OK to talk about what's happening below the waist - it's OK to stand up and tell your story.  How can we possibly raise awareness for cervical cancer if no one wants to talk about it?  How can we raise awareness for this if no one cares about it?

Yet, everyone seems to care about breast cancer.  Everyone seems to donate $5 to Susan Komen and her yearly Mother's Day walks.  Everyone seems to be OK with talking about breast cancer.

When it comes down to it - cancer is cancer.  No matter how you look at it, no matter what part of the body it's located, it's still deadly.  So why does breast cancer trump cervical cancer?  Why is prostate cancer starting to trump testicular cancer?

I'm making it my life to eradicate cervical cancer because I truly believe that no other woman should ever endure the physical and emotional pain that I went through.  I believe in making a difference and saving another woman's life.

And that life I save?  Well, it could be your sister's or your mother's or your best friend's.

Or maybe, just maybe, it could be your own.

"The saddest thing in the world is wasted talent.  You can have all the talent in the world, but if you don't do the right thing, nothing happens.  But when you do it right, good things happen."

- A Bronx Tale -

a tribute

(via)

In second grade, my class did a tribute to the U.S.A.  We sang songs like God Bless America and You're a Grand Old Flag and read poems or quotes that were dedicated to our country.  It's the only reason why I can recite all 50 states (yes, there's a song that recites all of them).  This performance was done in front of the entire school and I may have messed up when I read my poem.  Don't judge me.  I was like 8 years old.  And I may have had a bowl cut.

My senior year of high school I played indoor soccer with this church youth group (I'm not religious, I just did it for the kicks.  And the hot boys.)  I met this one guy, and after about a month of playing soccer together and hanging out, I invited him to my senior prom.  We remained close friends after my prom and even after graduation.  As I was getting ready to head off to college, he was enlisting in the Navy.  We didn't keep in touch much after that since I knew he was going to be stationed in Tennessee.

The summer after my freshman year of college, I received a phone call from a friend (a different friend from the church youth group).

"I've been trying to reach you for the last week!"
"Sorry, I've been busy with school and stuff.  What's up?"

"I take it you didn't hear what happened?"

"Um, no.  What's wrong?"

"Joe died.  He was on leave from the Navy and was out with some friends in the ocean and he had a seizure and drowned.  I'm so sorry."

My grandfather flew planes in WWII.  My uncle was in the Air Force but never activated (thankfully).  But this one hit close to home because it was the first time I knew someone in the military who died.

How many people woke up today wishing they had the day off?

I bet quite a few.

Those who are fighting over seas don't get a day off.  They risk their lives so we can go to work, go to the gym and provide for ourselves.  They leave their families behind, not knowing if they'll ever see them again. 

Today, I woke up being thankful to those who risk their lives every day so that I can lead a good life.  Today, I'm blessed because I'm living a somewhat normal life, while others are sacrificing everything they have for me.  And you.  And your family.

We need more days like today.  Veteran's Day isn't about having the day off from work - it's about being thankful to those who are fighting so you can live.

So, thank you, to anyone and everyone who has ever served or is currently serving for our country. 

"And I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me
And I'd gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today

'Cause there ain't no doubt, I love this land, God bless the U.S.A."

need a new direction

Today I applied for a job. 

It's a position I've already held, but with a different company.  It's a job that, at the time, I wasn't sure I really enjoyed, but now after being out of it for over a year, I really miss it.  I miss the interaction, the phone calls, the contact.  I miss sitting in meetings all day and being so busy you forget to eat lunch.  My current job has those days, but it's not every day.  Realistically, this isn't where I want to be; this isn't what I want to do.

I know I'm qualified for the position, but I don't know if my experience at a different company is going to help me or hurt me.  Same with my volunteer experience with my non-profit.  I know employers sometimes look at volunteer experience as a negative, especially if you are still actively involved with it.

I need a change.  I need a job that provides interaction and networking opportunities.  I need a job that gets me away from the desk and gets me in front of clients, candidates, vendors, and the like.  I realize, perhaps a little too late, that I thrive on social interaction.  I like meeting people and helping people.  I like networking with others.  I like how you can learn something from someone - regardless of how well you know them.  I need all of that again. 

I need something more stimulating and satisfying (that's what she said). I need some better direction and a vision of what I want to do.
 

"It is better to be happy for a moment and be burned up with beauty, than to live a long time and be bored all the while."

- Hellen Keller*

* Quote dedicated to my lover, because she loves Hellen Keller ..................................... jokes.

 ** Also, for all of you Hellen Keller fans out there, I present you with this awesome website.  You can translate your text messages to Helen Keller-speak.  It's awesome.  You're welcome. 

Post brought to you by:

 

"don't forget to tip your bartenders"

• What's a customary tip for a bartender?

Me?  I usually tip $1 for each drink.  And maybe I'll leave the extra quarter or two if it gets me laid I feel generous. 

Baltimorians?  Baltimorialites?  They don't tip.  10 people each bought a Miller Lite or a Coors Lite that cost $3.75 and all 10 people paid the $3.75 and didn't tip.  Actually, one guy left the extra quarter.  Clearly he felt the need to be generous.

I never understood people who don't tip their bartenders.  I mean, I know we're in a recession and all, but don't you understand that your bartenders are working on tips?  How would you feel if someone tipped you a quarter on a $4.00 drink?!

Reason #5968 why I don't like Baltimore.

I think the only good thing B-more has going for them are their crab cakes.  I had true Maryland style crab cakes this weekend and they definitely did not disappoint.

Also?  The Inner Harbor is nice ...... but not great.  Although I am jealous that Baltimore has an ESPN Zone and Philly doesn't.  For all who don't know, ESPN Zone is probably the best. overpriced. sports. bar. ever.  It's like Dave and Busters but with more TV's and less games.  OK fine, so it's nothing like Dave and Busters but it's still awesome.  And Philadelphia needs to get one ASAP.

Needless to say, I probably won't be making a trip down to B-more any time soon.  It was nice to get away for a night, but I'm glad I'm home.

Philadelphia - 1
Baltimore - 0

this post brought to you by:

second chances

I'm not a big fan of giving second chances.

I gave Baltimore a second chance yesterday.  I wasn't impressed.  The city reminds me too much of home.  I realized, as I was walking the streets, that I need to live in a city that has a thriving nightlife.  I need a city that offers something every night of the week.

I gave myself a second chance on a guy.  I wasn't impressed.  I think I was forcing myself to give in and let him fill a void - but I realized on my drive home today that I don't want just some guy to fill that void. I don't want to settle, and I certainly don't want to be misleading or inflict any kind of [unintentional] pain on him.

The good thing about second chances is your learn from them.  You begin to realize what you want, what you like, what you will tolerate.  I like my life how it is and I think I'd be making a huge mistake to allow some guy to fill a void just because I'm lonely or just because I can say that I have someone.  I don't want any of that.  Not yet.  Not right now.

When you find someone - or something - that you really like, you'll feel it.  Deep down in your heart you'll really feel it and know that it's what you want or who you want or where you want your life to lead.

Feel it and let it feel you... because once you do feel it, it's absolutely incredible.

this post brought to you by:

 

on traveling

2009 has surely been the year of traveling for me.  I went to:

Las Vegas, NV
Boston, MA
Chicago, IL
Washington, DC
Tampa, FL
Atlantic City, NJ

New York City, NY

And I still have Phoenix, AZ and two trips to Pittsburgh lined up. 

It's amazing I'm able to do so much traveling in between the crazy whorish life I lead.  But in all honesty, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I want to see the world.

Even if it takes me my entire life to do it, I want to see everything I can.  I love the culture, the food, the social environment and everything each city has to offer.

Today, I'm taking a trip to Baltimore, MD.  I was there two years ago when my best friend briefly lived there, but I never really got to see and experience the city.  The first time I went I wasn't a big fan of the city (mainly because it reminded me of home too much), but I think I need to give Baltimore a second chance.  It's apparently got a lot to offer (like delicious seafood!) and I think I owe it that much.

Open heart, open mind.

Let's do this.

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on bad sex

"In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?"

- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

I've been watching episodes of Sex and the City religiously lately.  I own all six seasons (and the movie) but it seems like every time I watch an episode, I get something different out of it.  Also, I find myself watching the show when I, myself, am sorting through a relationship  relationship-ish-type situation, in the hopes that I'll find my answers from the show.

It's hard to know what a good relationship is when you've spent your entire dating career in bad ones.  It also doesn't help when you surround yourself with people who are in bad relationships. 

I have this guy who is falling head over heels in love with me (seriously!) and I can't decide if I want to hug him or punch  hi-five him.  Most of the time I just want to hi-five him, but every now and then he has his shining moments when I want to hug him.  He's an overall good guy (and as they say, nice guys finish last) but I don't know how I feel yet.

One thing I can't get used to is all of the touchy-feely-ness.  It makes me want to gag.  For real.  He feels the need to hug me every. five. seconds. and I just want to throw up  walk away.  Another thing that's difficult to get used to?  All of the "you're so gorgeous/beautiful/awesome/etc." compliments he throws at me.  It's one thing to do it once in a while (which is what I prefer), but it's another thing to do it every. five. minutes.  Now, I'm sure the typical girl loves to be compliments every second of every day, but me?  I'm perfectly fine with getting complimented never once a year.  Seriously.  I am.  And it makes me feel like a guy who feels the need to compliment a woman all the time is insecure with himself. 

Maybe?  Just a little?

Or not.

(that was my attempt at psychology there)

So one thing I'm terrified of is sex. With him. 

There, I said it.

I usually wait five minutes a couple dates before I'll sleep with a guy.  Well, depending on my mood. 

Just kidding.

Or am I?

But this guy?  Well, for whatever reason, I'm terrified of playing slap and tickle  bumpin' uglies  hiding the salami  having sex.  Mostly because I know he's already in love with me (true story) and I know that once the sex has been paid for had, there's nothing else left.  Everything's been laid on the table.  And I guess maybe I'm more afraid of having bad sex with him because if it IS bad, there's no turning back.  I'm totally screwed and he'll want to get married.  Now, of course the sex could be mind blowing  orgasmic really good, but in all seriousness, how many times have you slept with a guy who has been REALLY GOOD IN BED? 

 Me? 

Three.  Three guys out of the 486594 [insert number here] I have been with were really good in bed.  Sure, I've been with guys who have been good in bed, but guys who are really good?  Few and far between.

While sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, it definitely IS important.  At least for me.  I mean, I honestly can't be in a relationship with a guy who is terrible in bed.  It just won't work.  I need to have that physical (and sexual) attraction or the relationship is destined to fail. 

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in this whatever-it-is relationship-type-situation.  I'm trying to compromise (I didn't say it was going well, just the mere fact that I'm trying), but it's hard (that's what she said).  I feel like I'm stuck in my single-gal-ways and I can't get break out of them.  I know I need to open myself up again to the possibility of having a relationship with this guy, but I just can't seem to do it.  Something is holding me back and I just don't know what it is.

Probably the idea of terrible sex.

Or maybe the fact that he's moving to Flo-rida in February and it would mean having to make a long-distance relationship work for at least two years before he would get relocated again.

Nope, it's definitely the bad sex.

FML.

on big decisions

Follow your heart and not your mind; your heart feels things your mind cannot see.

It's easy to give advice, but hard to take it.

For the last several months I have been thinking about some big decisions; decisions that have the potential to be life-changing in some way.  Decisions that are so big, they're scary.  But I don't think I'm scared to make those big decisions.  I'm scared about the aftermath.  I'm scared about making the wrong decision.

I'm trying to sort it all out.  I've spent this week trying to do just that.  It hasn't been easy.  With 2009 drawing to a close, I need to step to the plate and make some things happen in 2010. 

I need to figure out what I want.

Easier said than done.

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..."

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