ready to fly

 "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

I'm not a big fan of New Years Eve.  Mainly because I've never really had a spectacular, knock your socks off New Year's Eve celebration.  I think the best NYE was about three years ago when I spent it in Florida with my BFF's family.  Still though, it wasn't knock your socks off spectacular because it involved a crying baby and a crazy Aunt and Uncle (not mine, thankfully). 


Although I do remember my very first New Year's in Philadelphia when I had to call the cops at 5AM and file a domestic disturbance report in my apartment.  Yeah, that was fun.


Needless to say, I'm ready for 2010 already.  It's not that 2009 was a bad year, in fact, quite the opposite. I'll always think of 2009 as my soul searching year.  But I'm ready to finally move on with this soul searching and see where it takes me.


My biggest goal for 2010 is to move out west by April - job or no job.  It's a decision I've been putting off for about four years now and I am finally ready to do it.  I like Philly - I wouldn't have moved here if I didn't - but I know this isn't where I want to stay for the rest of my life. 


Where am I going?


No clue.  


I'm hoping a job will tell me where I need to go, but if not, then I'm considering my options - San Diego, San Francisco, Dallas, Phoenix, and Seattle.  I know I need to live in/near a big city.  I also know I need to live in warmer climates.  Sorry, but this snow BS just isn't cutting it.  I want to wear my flip flops all year long.

It's been a tough decision - leaving this place - but I know it's for the best.  I have four months (at the very most) to get my life here wrapped up.  I'm excited, but also nervous.  It was easy to leave Pittsburgh right after college because I didn't have anything holding me back.  But this time it's different.  I've made a name for myself here and I'm going to miss the friends I've met, the things I've done and the lessons I've learned here.  These last five years have really shaped my life.  I've met some incredible people - some of whom I'll truly never forget - and I've done some incredible things.  It's always sad leaving a place you call "home."

Always moving forward, never looking back.

That's my motto for 2010.  It's time to push myself to do the things I never thought I could do.  It's time to feel things I never thought I could feel.   

The sky is the limit.  I'm ready to fly.

Wishing all of you a happy and healthy New Year.  Much love, success and happiness to you as you continue your journey through life.

 

always moving forward, never looking back

I have spent a good portion of my life caring about others rather than caring about myself.  Even when I was going through my chemotherapy treatments, I spent those moments asking the other cancer patients how they were feeling and if I could help them with anything, rather than spending that time on myself.

I have a knack for putting others before myself.  I do it because I believe that I genuinely care about others (well, most others) and I realize that there are people in this world who are a lot less fortunate than I am.  Or you are.  And those are the people who truly need help.

Late last night I had a brief one-sided conversation with a friend.  They asked why I was up so late and I said, "I'm getting stuff done."  That opened the flood gates.

"What?"

"Applying for jobs."

"Where?  Why?"

"Because I'm done living here.  I've been here 5 years now and I don't want to be here forever.  I'm ready for a change.  Expand my horizons."

"Where?"

"Sacramento.  Seattle.  Los Angeles.  San Francisco.  Phoenix.  Dallas.  Houston.  Anywhere but Philadelphia."

"Lots of Asians in California.  Not so much in Phoenix or Texas."

It was at that moment that I realized:

Some people just don't know how to be a friend.

I don't ask much of anyone.  Even in my moments of need, I don't really ask people for support.  But all I needed was a friend, and that person couldn't be much of one. 

I'm making a big decision.  I'm leaving my career to pursue a dream.  I'm leaving my home state to pursue a better, happier life.  I'm leaving my friends to hopefully find others.  I'm giving up everything with the hopes of gaining something much more rewarding and valuable. 

I applied for jobs in Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, Phoenix and Dallas.  Now all I can do is sit back and hope that something good comes out of all of this.  I'm taking a huge risk, but in my heart I know it will lead to a happier, more rewarding life. 

For the first time in probably a long time, I'm putting myself before anyone else.  Selfish?  No.  Smart.  I'm finally ready to move on.  It's the decision I've been juggling for the last four years.  I stayed in Philadelphia because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go next. 

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you'd rather be."

For the first time in my life, I finally have some clarity.  I'm ready to pack up and leave.  I'm ready for a new city.  I'm ready for a happier life.  I deserve this.  Yes, it's going to be sad to leave my friends behind, but I know they'll do well.  I know they will move on with their lives with or without me in it.  I need to do this for myself ... because everyone else is moving onto bigger and better things.  Now it's MY turn.

For the first time in my life, I'm ready.  And I'm not looking back. 

I want this.

"My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to..."

In the spirit of giving, I decided to join the masses (of bloggers) and help another awesome blogger out.  Please send prayers, good thoughts, and Ryan Reynolds her way.  As a cancer survivor myself, my heart truly aches for Brandy and her man.  You both are in my thoughts during this difficult time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

on realizations, job opportunities, moving to California, and making my dreams a reality

"Take your hesitance
And your self-defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be so afraid
Of facing everyday
Just take your time, it's only life"

Sometimes it takes helping someone else through their problem(s) before you realize you just helped yourself through your own.

 Tonight, I had a realization. 

It was the first time in a very long time that I was able to think clearly.  Part of it had to do with helping my BFF through her current struggle with her lack of a job and finding out what her next step is.  Another part of it had to do with the fact that I was out of my element (even though I was back in my hometown) and able to get away from my hectic city life.  I was finally able to think clearly on some things - albeit I had to talk my BFF through her own problems - to get that shining moment I needed to figure out my next step.

I moved away from home right after I graduated college because I needed something better in my life.  I needed to make something happen for myself.  It was scary and the first year was probably the hardest, adjusting to the streets, the people, the night life and the neighborhoods.  But I survived.  For five years I have now created this amazing life for myself in a city that I never thought I'd come back to.  I doubted myself and certain moments I wanted to give in, re-pack all of my belongings and move back home.  But I didn't.  I weighed it out, fought my battles and rose to the top. 

Tonight I realized that I'm ready for my next journey.  This move was only supposed to be temporary.  It's been five years.  I'm ready for something else.  I'm ready to pack up and leave. 

The other day I came across a job opening.  I wasn't actively looking, but it showed up in my google alerts and it caught my eye, so I checked it out.  The job couldn't be more perfect for me.  But there's a catch.  It's in Sacramento, California.  It means packing up and literally moving across the country. 

On my flight home, I kept thinking about the job.  What if I get an interview?  What if they offer me the position?  Could I really move across the country?  What about my life here in Philadelphia?  What about my friendships here?

The anxiety started to set in.  I could feel this huge weight on my shoulders. 

Tonight, I had a realization.  While talking to my BFF and telling her that she shouldn't have to settle for a dead end relationship, or a guy who won't let her experience her own life, I realized that I shouldn't have to settle for a job I'm not completely happy with, a city I'm not entirely in love with, or a life I'm settling for.

Then it hit me.  My missing piece - my missing happiness - is settling for a city, a job, a LIFE I'm not completely in love with. 

My best friend said she envied my life because I'm living on my own and doing all of this stuff.  I envy all of those people who quit their jobs on a whim with nothing else lined up and move half way across the country...or those people who quit their jobs and end up traveling the world.  I wish I had the balls to do that.

But the thing is, I could do that.  I could quit my job on Tuesday to travel the world or to move across the country.  But there's something preventing me from doing it - like money, bills, money, and rent.  Oh, and money. 

Tonight, I told my BFF that she needs to take some time away from her family and boyfriend and go somewhere - somewhere out of her element, like Denver.  She needs to take a long weekend and just go there - no cell phone, no email, no communication to the outside world.  She just needs to live, be and breathe.  She needs to re-gain that beauty and self-confidence that I once saw in her.  Like when she briefly lived in Baltimore. 

As I was telling my friend all of this, I realized that I need to take my own advice.  I need to go somewhere out of my element to just live, be and breathe. 

You only have this one life to live - make the most of it.

I promised myself that 2010 would be the Year of Me.  This is the year I make some big decisions and changes.  I decided I'm going to apply for that job in Sacramento.  And if that job doesn't pan out?  Well I'm going to start saving up enough money so I can quit my current job in April so I can travel... and perhaps move across the country.

January is a new month and a New Year.  All of those decisions I've been putting off for the last few years are going to be decided.  No hesitation, no second guessing, no reservations.  It's time to stop worrying about leaving my friends and the life I've made for myself here, and start planning the life I'm going to make for myself somewhere else.  Quite possibly in California. 

Sure, it's scary to think about the unknown, but that's what makes life so exciting and thrilling.  If we knew how our life was going to end up, would it be as fun or enjoyable?  Probably not.  Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and just do it.

It's my life, it's my turn.  At the end of the day, it's all about what makes me happy.  Those friends who truly matter will always be there.  So will my family.  I'm ready for my next journey.  It's time to make those dreams a reality.

"Don't look away
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it's only life"

reflections, experiences, soul searching and my inner happiness

When I was home for Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time reflecting back on what 2009 handed me.  Or maybe I should say, the decisions and mistakes I made lessons I learned. 

I realize, perhaps all too late, that our experiences shape our lives.  When you look back on your life, what do you remember most?  What gives your life any kind of substance?  Your experiences.  You remember the experiences that made you happy, and those that broke your heart.  You remember those experiences that challenged you to the very depths of your core, and those other ones that you hope to never live through again.  And hopefully, you learn from them.

At the young age of 26, I've experienced more than I wanted.  From bad friendships, to losing both of my parents, to breakups, to surviving cancer - these experiences (and all the other ones) have shaped my life.  In a way, they have made me the woman I am today - stronger, smarter and (hopefully) wiser.  I put a guard up to most people around me because I know that very few people in my life can be trusted.  I stand up for what I believe in because if I don't, neither will anyone else.  I work hard at everything I do because I truly believe it is the only way to become successful.  I take very few things for granted now a days.

With the New Year right around the corner, I have spent a lot of time soul searching.  Chalk it up to a quarter-life crisis, but I have recognized (again, perhaps all too late), that I'm searching for that missing piece of the puzzle to complete my inner happiness. 

2009 was surprisingly a good year.  I traveled, I tested my limits, I enriched my professional background and I created some great memories with some amazing friends.  That, in and of itself, is absolutely priceless.  But there's still something missing.  Yes, I'm happy, but I'm not completely happy.  I'm not inner-ly happy.  I'm just outer-ly happy.  Does that make sense?  I think I tend to portray a certain level of happiness to others around me so I don't show weakness.  I learned that weakness means vulnerability, and I hate feeling vulnerable to others.

About six months or so ago, I applied for a position with a government agency.  I never actually thought they would contact me about the job until recently when I received that phone call.  It took me by surprise, but a part of me felt happy.  But there's a catch (of course there is, nothing in life is easy, right?).  If I get cleared for this position, it means giving up my current life.  It means taking a respite from my friends, family and social life to pursue what could be a life-changing career.  It means permanently giving up my work in the non-profit field for a high-profile government career.  It means giving up that stability in my life and relocating every two years.  It means giving up everything I know for a life unknown.  Could I do it?  Absolutely.  Do I want to do it?  I'm still deciding.

2010 is my year of inner happiness.  I know I won't find my inner happiness immediately.  I also know that it could take an entire lifetime to find that inner happiness, but I want to know that by this time next year, I am one step closer to finding that inner happiness.  I want to know that I'm on the right path to living a good, successful, happy life, inside and out.  I want to know that I'm doing things for myself and no one else. 

Afterall... 

...I want to make the most of it.

"sometimes these cuts are so much deeper than they seem"

 

{via}

I had two choices - be gentle and sugar coat, or be brutally honest.

"I think you're amazing.  I really enjoy talking to you because it's so easy and so comfortable for me... and I don't usually connect with a guy this well, so soon.  But I felt like you punched me in my ovaries.  It really stung.  And for a while I was mad at you, but now I'm just bitter at the situation and how this played out.  Because you knew from Day One how this would end, and instead of being up front and honest with me, you chose to let things continue.  And now it sucks because I really liked you and now I don't know what to do.  So yes, that makes you a douchebag."

I chose the latter.

Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right when she said that there are no right moments, right guys, or right answers; we just have to say what's in our heart.

I leave for Prague in three months.  I have a check list of things I need to do before I leave, but I also created a list of things I want to do for myself.  I'm closing a big chapter of my life and in order to move forward, I really want to focus on finding personal closure with what I've made for myself in Philadelphia.

While it wasn't my ideal situation to tell him (in my car, after a hockey game), I owed it to myself to explain why I'm bitter.  I needed a sense of closure, and I needed it to be on my own terms.  He's not a bad guy, he's just a bad person [for me] to date.

As much as this dating experience sucked, I don't have any regrets.  I learned that I really do have the ability to feel something for someone after getting my heart shattered.  It's okay to become vulnerable, just don't let a man use that to his advantage.  And most importantly, know what you're worth and don't be afraid to tell him (or her).  

I wasn't sure I would be able to stay friends with him once he returned from Brazil.  I've never been able to maintain a friendship with a guy that I've been involved with.  But I'm leaving in three months, and I don't know what will happen with our friendship while I'm abroad, or when I return, and at the very least, I want to be friendly since we still have to see each other every week.  I want to be able to end things with a man on good terms, because I owe it to myself to at least try. 

 

* title of the post from Misery by Maroon 5

Friday Bullets

• This week I accepted a writing gig with Examiner.com as their Philadelphia Cancer Examiner.  My first article has been posted (check it out here) and so far, I've made $.56!  I know you are probably laughing at that, but hey, we are in a recession and it is $.56 I didn't have before!  Every penny helps, right?  So now that I am working a total of 4 (yes 4!) jobs, it leaves very little time for a social life.  I haven't drank in weeks (minus the happy hour I went to this week - I only had two beers).  Most nights I'd rather stay in and catch up on work or watch tv (or even sleep!) rather than hit the bars.  I think a lot of that has to do with the cold weather though.  I become a hermit during the winter months.
  
  
• My roommate confirmed this week that she has bed bugs in her room.  Awesome.  So we have an exterminator coming next week and it means I have to clear everything out of my room.  I guess that's a good thing since my room is kind of messy, but it's a huge inconvenience to have to clear everything out of my room and then put it all back.  But at least we don't have to pay for the exterminator (the joy of renting!)
  
  
• My presentation at Penn State this week went well.  I am hoping this turns into more speaking engagements at colleges and universities.  Even though the drive up to State College sucked, I'm glad I did it.  I was nervous as hell and I hate public speaking, but I hope this turns into something good for my non-profit(s).
  
  
• I've been watching old seasons of The Hills like it's my j-o-b.  Feel free to judge me.  Watching that show makes me wish I lived in L.A.  But then I think about my trip out to L.A. last fall and I realize that I wouldn't ever want to live there.  Too crazy of a city and too many tourists.  It also makes me wish I had more girl friends to hang out with, but then I see all of the drama that goes on in that show and I realize that's exactly why I don't get along with girls.  But it must be nice to wear flip flops and tank tops in January.
  
  
• I just realized that this weekend is my last free weekend until February.  Next weekend my non-profit is doing a bar crawl, then it's Christmas, then it's New Year's and then my non-profit has an event every weekend in January.  So my plan this weekend is to get a pedicure, get my holiday shopping done and mentally relax!  As much as I love being so busy, sometimes it's just overwhelming.
  
  

Best of 2009 Series - Best Book and Best Trip

Today's your lucky day because you get TWO for the price of a blow job  of one. 

BEST BOOK

This one was kind of hard (that's what she said!).  And I guess I can't count my coloring books.  Don't judge me.  I'm a big fan of biographies, memoirs (especially those of any kind of personal struggle) and economics.  I'm just now starting to get back into reading fiction (I read a lot of fiction when I was younger, but then I hit college and transitioned to non-fiction).  I loved Angels and Demons and I'm currently reading The Lost Symbol and I think it's amazing.  Oh and I fell in love with The Time Traveler's Wife, but the best book I read this year was The Blue Sweater by Jacqueline Novogratz.  It's an inspiring memoir of a woman who spent her life on a quest to understand global poverty and to find powerful ways of tackling it.  

I'm in the process of writing my own memoir so I'm always looking for any kind of inspiration and introspection.  This book did just that.  As I read it, I felt like I was walking right next to her through all of her journeys.  Everything is described with intricate detail and it makes you feel like you're there, experiencing it yourself.  It's not often that I read a book that captivates me this much.  I hope that one day, my memoir will have that same effect for someone else.

So why is a memoir about poverty titled The Blue Sweater?  Well, you'll just have to read it to find out.

BEST NIGHT OUT

This was another hard one (that's what she said!).  Of all of the nights out that I've had, how am I supposed to pick out the best one?  I've traveled to a lot of cities this past year and all of those trips involved some great nights out.  Like the road trip to Washington, D.C. where we pre-gamed in the hotel, went out to the bars till 3AM, almost went to a strip club, then went back to the hotel to play Kings until about 5AM.  Yeah, that was a good night.  Or any of the nights I spent in Vegas?  Yeah, more good ones.  But the best one?  

Saturday, October 25, 2009.  

Tampa, Flo-rida.

I travel around the U.S. to play in hockey tournaments about 4-5 times a year.  I had missed the June Sunshine Shootout and all of my friends who went, came back telling me how awesome of a trip it was.  I was a little jealous that I wasn't able to go, but when I heard they were hosting another Sunshine Shootout in October, I knew I had to be there.

Hockey, the beach, 80 degree weather and lots of drinking.  Who wouldn't want to do that?!


With any big tournament we travel to, there's always lots of drinking, laughing, pictures and debauchery.  Some of my favorite moments have been spent with my hockey mates, actually.  It's kind of awesome and scary at the same time.  

Anyway, so that Sunday was the last weekend of the tournament.  After all was said and done, we all had a "team night out" at a local bar.  We drank, we ate, we were merry.  When the bars closed, we all stood around outside trying to figure out who was the most sober to drive.  Turns out no one was really sober to drive (and we all ended up in cars we hadn't originally showed up in), but luckily we didn't have far to go.  The partying continued at a rental beach house with six cases of beer.  As we all drank into the wee hours of Monday morning, I found myself having a pants-off, dance-off with a Canadian.  We dared to see who would get naked.  He took off clothes, I took off clothes.  He took off jewelry, I took of jewelry.  Needless to say, I was standing in the kitchen with 20 of my hockey mates, stripping against a Canadian. 


The Canadian won the stripping contest and ran around the house naked.  Did I mention he was hairy and obese?  Yeah, it wasn't even close to hot.  

Of all the trouble I get myself into - especially during tournaments - I think this one goes down in the record books as my all-time low point.  


I can only imagine what the 2010 tournaments will bring me.

The Best of 2009 Series

Yesterday I decided I wouldn't blog for at least a week or two.  Then I found this and now my "no blogging for a week" idea is going down the drain.  While I most likely won't blog for all 31 days, I'll definitely recap MY "best of 2009" series.  Besides, it will be fun and I think we can all use a little "best of" in our lives right now with the winter weather ahead and the holiday shopping madness in session, yes?

YES!

So, here goes nothing...

BEST TRIP IN 2009

 I had to stop and think back to all of the places I visited in 2009: 

Boston, Vegas, Chicago, Washington, DC, Tampa, Atlantic City, Avalon, NJ, Pittsburgh, Detroit, NYC, Baltimore... and I think that's only half of the list.

While that may not seem like a lot of traveling to you, it was definitely a lot of traveling for me.  Especially since I managed to cross off some major cities I've never traveled to, like Vegas and Boston.

My best trip in 2009 was to:

Vegas, baby!

You can read the full re-cap of my trip here, but to sum it up - I went to Vegas for 5 days for a hockey tournament.  I drank four times my body weight, slept a total of 4 hours, won a hockey championship (and an MVP award), got proposition for a threesome, got mistaken for a prostitute, and spent five marvelous days with some of my closest friends.

Now I know why everyone says: "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."  It definitely goes down in my record book as one of the best. trips. ever. and I'm planning on going back in 2010.

Blo Mo.

Well, I did it!  I officially survived and finished NaBloPoMo.  What did I learn from this experience? 

• Blogging every day sucks.  Especially when I have nothing "important" or "creative" to write about.
• Blogging on the weekends is even worse.  My weekends are spent away from my blog and [most of the time] away from computers.  Having to put a reminder into my crackberry to blog on Saturdays and Sundays officially marks my nerdom status.
• Thinking of topics to blog about hurts my brain.
• I'm never doing NaBloPoMo again.  Ever.
• Nor will I be participating in NaNoWriMo.  Or whatever the hell it's called.
• Blogging for 30 days straight makes me not want to blog ever for a good week or two.
• The month of November is the longest. month. ever.  But I only think that because I had to blog every day.
  

I'm glad I conformed to society's norms participated, but you can bet I won't be blogging for a little while.  Perhaps now I can focus more on perfecting my blow job skills work-related stuff and less on "ohmygawdIforgottoblog!"

P.S. I'm still waiting for my date to Checkers.  And I expect a good cuddle session afterwards.  You know who you are...

the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten

I went out to dinner with a friend tonight (after I bought $85 worth of groceries, but hey, he paid for dinner) and we went out to Chinatown (go figure).

Tonight, I realized why I only eat at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, Sang Ke. 

We walked into the restaurant and got seated by the tanks full of fish, crabs, shrimps and eel.  Yes, eel.  We also experienced a little misty shower during our dinner (the employees were feeding the fish with the shrimp) which added to the awesome ambiance.  I didn't realize I needed an umbrella or poncho when I dined in Chinatown.

Anyway, so my friend ordered us an appetizer and I perused the 85-item menu, from frog to eel to ox, you name it, it was on the menu.  I ended up getting the Singapore rice noodles and he got he Peking duck. 

Our appetizer came (that's what she said) and it looked like red tubes.  I asked him what it was and he said, "fried pork."  It sure didn't look like fried pork.  So I tried it.  A little chewy, but it wasn't bad.  As I kept eating it, I started feeling queezy.  I don't think this was fried pork.

We finished our dinner and the check arrived with two fortune cookies and four orange slices. 

"I bet you the cost of dinner that you can't eat those four orange slices in two minutes." he said.

"Three minutes!!" I replied.

"Two and a half minutes.  You eat all four of those orange slices in two and a half minutes and I'll pay for dinner."

(little did he know, he was going to pay for dinner anyway - sucka.)

So he sets his watch and I grab the first orange slice.  Of course I'm laughing like a little girl as I'm eating these oranges, but I managed to consume all four of them in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. 

Well worth it.

OK, not really, but I can add that onto the "Skills" section of my resume, right?!

So he drops me off after dinner and about twenty minutes later, he sends me a text.

"You enjoyed your tripe!"

I immediately knew what he was talking about.  I nearly gagged.  Tripe is disgusting.  But perhaps it's not nearly as disgusting as what I actually consumed at dinner, which was...

wait for it....

wait for it....



FRIED PIG INTESTINE

Reason #58607 why I'm never going to China.

Ever.

And reason #6908 why I'm never going out to dinner with him again.

Ever.

Sometimes I really hate my friends...
 

Arrested Development

My Saturday night's are usually spent fornicating drinking with friends, but tonight it was spent watching Arrested Development.  Everyone told me it was a great show but I never really agreed.  That all changed when I was home for Thanksgiving and introduced to Fancast. 

I think I found my new favorite TV show. 

It makes your family seem normal compared to the Bluth's.

I want my own Tobias.  And I need to find a guy who wears cut-off jeans all the time.

family importance

Today is really Friday, but it feels like a Sunday.  I'm heading back to MY home tomorrow evening and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it.  As much as I love spending time with my brother, I'm looking forward to going home to my own bed, my own room, my own house.

It's weird being home.  It's weird to drive down the same street I grew up on.  It's weird to walk into the same house I grew up in.

My brother asked me if I would ever move back to Pittsburgh.  Truth be told, never.  I know that sounds harsh, but Pittsburgh just isn't doing it for me anymore.  Besides my brother and a couple friends, I have nothing here for me.  The job market is lousy because the Steel City is still recovering from low-class economy.

I like the big city life because I never experienced it when I was growing up.  Our vacations were spent in upstate NY visiting family.  I guess I lived a somewhat sheltered childhood because I didn't grow up with cable television (my brother still doesn't have it - shocking, I know), central air (again, my brother still doesn't have it) or big vacation destinations.

My brother said something this weekend that really struck a cord in me:

"We were a poor family."

I never really considered my family to be "poor" growing up.  Sure, our parents never really bought us much stuff and we never wore labels, but I didn't think that meant we were poor.  But looking back on it now, our neighborhood is a low-class neighborhood (although you wouldn't think by looking at some of the houses in the area) and we went to a poor school district that was a center for school shootings (true story) and fights.
It's definitely not a school district I would ever send my kids to.  And while most school districts get better over time, it seems that ours has gotten worse.

I moved to a big city to give myself a better life.  I work hard for every penny I earn and I take pride in every penny I spend (regardless of my reasons for spending).  I don't have my parents income to fall back on.  I've used up some of my parents estate inheritance so I could put food on my table and a roof over my head.  I always thought I'd save that to buy my first house, but I've been using it to live my own life.

Last night my brother and I talked about something we rarely talk about - money.  While I've been trying to make a name for myself, so has my brother.  And only to realize now that he is a lot less fortunate than I am.  My brother basically put his own life on hold so that I could have one of my own.  He sacrificed his future [with his wife] so that I could have my "big city" life.  He's barely making ends meat.  He has no full-time job and barely any health insurance.  I want to help him but I'm at such a huge loss.  I owe him so much but I don't know where to begin.

Sometimes I really despise living 300 miles away from him because I can't spend more time with him like I have this weekend and I can't help him out with finances like he needs it.  Sure, I can send him money every once in a while, but I'd rather take him and his wife out to a nice dinner on a Saturday night because I know they'd appreciate that more.

It's been a rough Thanksgiving weekend for me between my dog dying and both of my brothers being very sick.  I'm shocked I haven't had a huge mental break down yet.  But this weekend definitely made me realize and value the importance of family.  It's difficult when all three of us live so far away from each other, but it makes "going home for the holidays" so much sweeter.


As much as I'm looking forward to going back to my home, I can't wait to come back to this home for Christmas...

praying

As the last hour of Thanksgiving Day ticks, I feel myself being more thankful for my family now, more than ever. 

Last Fall my brother underwent brain surgery to remove a benign tumor on his pituitary.  It was in the smack-dab middle of his brain and they had to go up through his nose to remove the tumor.  At the same time, he was diagnosed with diabetes and vertigo, making his health now even worse.  His tumor came back about six months ago, so they put him on anti-tumor pills, but his sinus infections seem to trigger his vertigo, making most days unbearable for him to even get out of bed.

I'm not religious, but I find myself praying for my brother with every day that passes.

Today, I'm going to pray even harder.

My brother called to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving and update me on his life.  We don't really talk much over the phone (mainly because he's too sick to talk for extended periods of time), so any communication we have is via text message or email.  It was nice to hear his voice though.  I haven't seen him since last Christmas, and I really missed him at Thanksgiving dinner tonight.

Anyway, tonight as he was updating me on school, work and health, he mentioned he will be getting another surgery in late January.  This time it's to help alleviate his meniere's disease.  While the surgery has a 70% success rate, it could also permanently make him deaf. 

It's all overwhelming and I'm barely processing all of it.  Mainly because I don't want to process any of it.  I hate seeing my brother so sick.  He's supposed to be the strong one in the family.

Today, I'm thankful that my brother's are still with me.  I'm thankful for quality time together, for laughing with them, for making jokes (and being the butt of them) and for all of our childhood memories that I'll carry with me to my grave.  Today, more than every, I'm thankful that I have the two best brothers in the world, even if we don't have the best relationship, even if we aren't that close.

Be thankful for your family, your friends and everything you've experienced in your life ... because you never know when it will be taken away from you. 

counting my blessings

"Cause I'm thankful for the blessings

And the lessons that I've learned..."

I'm thankful for:

having relatively good health. being with family. having food on my plate on this day. laughing. breathing. crying. soldiers over seas who are fighting for our freedom. television. football. pumpkin pie. puppies. memories with my family. smiling. reminiscing. good friends. my job. my other job. being an advocate. being a survivor. providing for myself. good days. warm weather. internet. laziness. sleeping. talking. a warm blanket. heating my house. hot chocolate with a shot of baileys. delicious thanksgiving food. being a good cook. my parents providing me with a great life. hope that I can provide my future children with the same. knowing both of my brothers and I will be together for Christmas. a few days away from work. quiet moments. relaxing moments. holidays.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving!

16 years

They say a dog is a man's best friend.  I've lost pets before - bunnies, guinea pigs, and even other puppies - but this one somehow seemed more painful than the rest.

I remember getting my puppy from a pet store on my brother's birthday.  I was so excited to have my first puppy - or at least a puppy to call my own.  We took her home and provided her with a great life.  It's always painful when they get sick or you have to take them to the vet for something.

Today, I came home to make the decision to put my puppy down.  She had been very sick for a while - throwing up, urinating around the house and days when she could barely walk around or even eat.  The moment she saw me, she immediately perked up, waged her tail and starting giving me kisses.  Those are the moments I'll always cherish.  But I could tell she was sick.  She limped around, she whined a lot and she just looked ... sick.  It broke my heart seeing her in that state, but as much as I wanted her with me still, it killed me to see her in such pain.  Deep in my heart, I know I made the right decision.  I know she's living a happier life.

She had a wonderful life and she gave me 16 wonderful years full of memories, love and happiness.  I know she was "just a dog" but she was part of my family and I loved her like I would love my own child.  Heartbreaking doesn't even describe it.

May she rest in peace.

the wounds will heal, but the scars will remain forever

{via}

Time heals all wounds, but scars leave a permanent mark.  On your skin.  On your soul.  On your ego.  On your heart.  And sometimes the wounds that take the longest to heal are the ones that have penetrated the deepest part of your soul. 

I used to believe in second chances.  To make amends.  Show growth.  Believe that the other person has the capacity to change their ways.  I give someone a second chance because I want to believe that they are a good person and that they do, indeed, have the capacity to change.  The reality is: people don't change - we are who we are. 

Nine times out of 10, I get burned on the second chance.  Betrayal.  Deceit.  Heartache.  The second chance always stings more than the first.  But I choose to get burned because I learn from every opportunity, decision and mistake I make.  I want to believe that there really are good people in this world and I just want someone to be that person.

I thought I would be okay.  I am, for the most part, but I still have that stinging feeling I can't shake.  Feeling taken advantage of.  Feeling vulnerable.  Feeling like a man got the best of me and ran away the first second he could.  Just thinking about it is enough to knock me down on my strongest day.  

If there's one thing I learned from therapy, it's to work through any pain you feel.  Acknowledge it, work through it, and then let it go.  Ignoring or hiding the pain will just make things worse.  Acknowledging the pain is easy; it's working through it that's the tough part.  Realizing that even the smartest man has his flaws.  Understanding that sharing too much too soon is never a good thing.  Knowing that your life was fine before he was a part of it and it will be fine again after you make him leave it.

Sometimes second chances aren't worth it.  Sometimes friendships and dating just don't mix.  Sometimes you really can't be just friends after you've become completely vulnerable to someone.  And sometimes you realize that it's not you, it's him and his flaws.  

"The things we said and did have left permanent scars..."

- Just a Feeling, Maroon 5 -

asking permission, the guy who's falling madly in love with me, cheesy wedding songs and just letting things happen

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

No, I'm not engaged.

(just wanted to clear the air) 


It seems like everyone is talking marriage/weddings lately.  And no, I don't say that just because she recently got engaged (who, by the way, I am so happy for!), but because a good handful of my friends have "wedding/marriage" on their minds.

My best friend is talking weddings and marriage in 2010 and she isn't even engaged yet.  Another friend of mine is getting married in June 2010.  And another friend of mine is getting married in August 2010. 

And you can bet I'm buying one dress and wearing it to all three weddings.

So, I have a huge fear of getting married after 30.  I don't know why, I just do.  Maybe because a lot of my friends are married and living their "happily ever after."  Or maybe because everyone says: "it's all down hill after 30" and I'd like to at least be engaged before it all goes down hill.  Or maybe because I'm afraid if I don't get my "happily ever after" by the time I'm 30, I'll never get it.

Yesterday I had a conversation with the guy that is falling madly in love with me (true story).  I commented on how it's supposed to snow over Thanksgiving break back home.  And I may or may not have said something like: "I knew I should have gone to Florida with you."  

His reply?

"It would be great for my parents to meet their future daughter-in-law."

So about two or three months ago I had a conversation with the guy that is falling in love with me (I need a better nickname for him).  He told me he was moving to Florida in March for his job and I jokingly said something to the effect of:

"I expect an engagement ring before you leave."

I was joking!


After I said that, I immediately kicked myself and then told him I was kidding.  We haven't discussed engagement rings, marriage, weddings or the like since then.

Actually, that's a lie.  We drove down Walnut Street about a month ago and passed Tiffany's.  He made some comment about it (can't remember what) and I think I said something back (again, can't remember what).  I may have been drunk at the time.  Or I may have been not listening.

Sometimes I block people out when they talk to me.  Don't judge me.

Anyway.  We were in Tampa for a hockey tournament about a month and a half ago and we were discussing holiday plans.  He told me he was going home to Florida for Thanksgiving but that he was staying in Virginia for Christmas.  So because I feel that no one should ever have to spend Christmas alone, I invited him back to Pittsburgh to spend it with my family.  Sounds innocent enough, right?

Wrong.

A man who has plans of getting married to the girl and is going to Pittsburgh to meet the girl's family can only mean one thing.


The quest to ask for permission.

Excuse me while I go have an anxiety attack.

It's been like three months since I've been "seeing" this guy who is falling madly in love with me and I can't figure him out.  A good chunk of the time I want to ring his neck.  But then he has those shining moments when I think I genuinely like him and it cancels out those bad thoughts.

Every other relationship I've had, I've jumped right into it.  Mainly because I was drunk I didn't really know any better, but also because that relationship immediately had a spark.  This one?  Well, I'm still trying to find that spark.  I don't want to give up just yet, but I also don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time with him.  Or vice versa.


You know that saying: nice guys finish last?  Yeah, I'm starting to figure out why they finish last.  I'm so used to dating crappy guys that I don't really know what it's like to date a nice, good, quality guy.  All of my friends who have met this guy tell me they like him.  They tell me he really is good for me.  So why is it so hard for me to see that?

Hindsight's only 20/20.

I know I need to give him an honest chance, but it's hard to break away from my norm (or what I consider my "norm" over the last four years). 

I always had that fantasy of what "meeting the family" and "living together" and "getting married" would be like.  I realize I'm not getting any younger.  I don't want to rush into anything, but I also realize that sometimes life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. 

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow and let things happen on their own.

So... don't be surprised if you receive a wedding invitation from me this spring.

PS.  If/When I get married, I'm totally making this my wedding song.  Or this.

blog swap... kind of

Manic Monday.

You can find today's post here.

Tomorrow you'll get a real post.  I promise.

Maybe.

Sunday Bullets

• Today I slept in 'till 1:30PM and I woke up feeling somewhat refreshed.  It felt so awesome.  I wish I could sleep in every day.
• In an effort to enrich my education, I went to Barnes and Noble this weekend and bought a book on fundraising for non-profits guide.  Now, I don't usually buy that kind of stuff (mostly because I want to think I have all the answers when in reality, I don't), but I'm trying this thing called "reaching out and asking for more help."  So I spent a good part of today reading the book and taking notes.  It's actually quite helpful and I'm learning a lot more about fundraising and how to run a non-profit.  
• The upcoming work week is a short one (thank god) and I'm gearing up for a trip back home.  Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to going home and spending quality time with my family, regardless of how chaotic Thanksgiving day is going to be.  I'll be sure to pack my xanax and four bottles of wine in my luggage.
• I just realized that after I come back from Thanksgiving, my sports leagues start up.  I'll now be playing hockey on Tuesdays, co-ed soccer on Thursdays and women's soccer on Sundays.  Not to mention, my big hockey tournament in two weeks that I forgot I signed up for.  But you know what's even more awesome?  My ankle.  Giving me issues.  Especially at night when I wake up in the middle of the night and it's THROBBING (that's what she said).  
• One more week left of NaBloPoMo.  I can't effing wait until November is over.  And I'm never doing NaBloPoMo ever again.  I thought it would be cool to post every day, about all kinds of creative things, but now I realize I have nothing creative to write about - or maybe I'm just suffering from writer's block this month.  One this is over, I plan on taking a respite from blogging.  Maybe.
• My attempt at Christmas shopping this weekend failed.  Instead I went out to lunch with a friend, went to the book store, and then proceeded to buy a housewarming present for a friend.  Epic Fail.
• I'm glad Thanksgiving is this week because not only is it my favorite holiday, but it means I have a 4.5 day vacation where I can sleep in, eat lots of yummy food, drink and sleep some more.  It's going to be awesome.

Finally, I leave you with a joke.  Ahem.  Get ready, it's a good one.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

Thank you and good night!

squeeze really hard

Tonight I went out to the bar with absolutely no intentions of getting laid drunk.  Surprised?  Yeah, so am I.  All I wanted was to sit a the bar, enjoy a few drinks and chat with a friend.

What did I get?

A noisy bar surrounded by drunk bitches.  One of whom I nearly punched in the face because her other friend couldn't hold her liquor, stumbled to the bar to put her empty glass down and elbowed me in the side during the process.  So I called her out, shot her one of my infamous dirty looks and she apologized.  Then her friend makes some snide remark, I tell her she needs to stop being a cunt (yes, I said "cunt") and hold her liquor. 

Was that too harsh?

I mean really, is it too much to ask for cunts girls to hold their liquor?  I mean, I'm all about having fun with your friends and pounding a few drunks back, but there's really no need to get trashed and fumble around the bar. 

Well, unless you're this girl.

She likes fumbling around the bar.  She also likes intimate dinner dates, walks on the beach at sunset, heavy petting, holding hands, hugging and paying for dinner.

But she'll have to take you out on a second date before she makes you put out.


And by "put out," I mean ... hug her.


Hugs.  She loves them.  Lots and lots of hugs.  Squeeze really, really hard.


(that's what she said)

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

(via)

Messy, yet simple.

Crowded, yet elegant.

Lost, yet beautiful.

Broken, yet unique.

I woke up today feeling out of sorts.  I still feel out of it.  I mean, I'm here, I'm doing things and making strides, but I don't feel like myself.  I feel lost and messy and broken. 

I'm making great strides to help eradicate cervical cancer and raise awareness for the disease, but I don't feel like I'm making a difference; I don't feel like my actions are being noticed.

I'm making a conceited effort to learn more so I can grow professionally, but I still feel uneducated.

I'm making a conceited effort to read more, but I still feel like the stack of books just keep piling up on my desk.

I'm making a conceited effort to teach myself new programs, new software, and new projects, but I feel like I'm failing. 

I think I finally reached my breaking point.  I'm doing too much, I'm working too hard, I'm forcing myself to believe I can do it all.  I'm forcing myself to believe I'm invincible, but now it's caught up to me.  I need to stop doing so much.  I need to stop thinking so much.  I need to stop trying to cram 4928 projects into one single day, and let myself complete one project each day.  But it's hard (that's what she said) to not do too much, to not work so hard, to not believe I can do it all.  I want to be successful.  I want to make a change.  But I realize that I'm pushing myself beyond my limits and it's finally come at a cost.

I'm just glad tomorrow's a new day.

"I have to believe my actions still have meaning ... I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there..."

on concerts

The very first concert I ever attended was in high school to see Everclear.  To be honest, I didn't really listen to Everclear much, but the tickets were cheap and I figured, hey, what not, right?  Trojan was a sponsor for the concert so of course they were giving out free blow jobs  free samples. 

The opening act was Black Eyed Peas.  Yes, that's right, I saw Black Eyed Peas live in concert.  Of course, no one knew who the hell they were at this time because this was during their pre-Fergie and pop music era.  Everclear finally took the stage and the crowd (as usual) goes wild.  My friends and I attempted to push and squeeze our way to the front of the crowds.  There was a huge railing separating the crowd from the stage and security was all over the place.  About halfway through the show, they decided to bring some people on stage with them.  My one friend and I were chosen to go on stage with them and I am pretty sure at that point I was shrieking like a 4 year old.  We got to dance on stage with Everclear.  It was unbelievably awesome.  And I may or may not have given a blow job  stolen one of Art Alexakis's (lead guitarist and singer) guitar pics as I was leaving the stage. 

So the concert ends, the security kicks every one out and my friends and I walk around the streets of downtown.  At like midnight.  In a bad neighborhood.  I'm shocked that we weren't stabbed/raped/gang banged.  Anyway, so prior to the concert they were giving away back stage passes and of course we didn't win one.  But as we were sitting on the curb waiting for our ride, we saw a woman who did win a back stage pass walk past us.  So we asked her all these questions like, "Did you put out?"  "Did you meet them?  How awesome was it?  What were they like?"  Instead of answering our questions, she gives us her back stage pass and said, "go check it out yourself!"  Our jaws dropped.  We snatched the pass from her and literally RAN all the way back to the concert building.  We get to the door and security is blocking the entrance.  Go figure.  So my one friend offers a blow job  flirts with the security guard to no avail.  So then my other friend flirts with the security guard.  That didn't work.  Finally, I busted out my moves.  Shockingly, that didn't work either.  So then we pleaded and begged the security guard to let us past.  We even showed our back stage pass.  After about twenty minutes of bitching, moaning and whining, he finally let us through.  We run inside and witness the band signing autographs.  We try to play it cool and swagga (oh yes, I went there) over towards the band.  They turn to us, we strike up conversation, telling them how awesome they are and how awesome the show was.  They sign our naked chests  concert tickets, we take pictures and then we're kicked out.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say that concert was about a 25.  Seriously, what are the chances of meeting the band at your very first concert?!  It was beyond awesome.  And I still have the autographed concert ticket that I may or may not have laminated and it may or may not be framed with the guitar pic I stole. 

Don't judge me.

My second concert was to see LFO.  Remember them??  I may or may not have bought their CD.  And I may or may not still have it.  Anyway, a friend and I saw them in concert sometime during our high school years.  God, I can't believe I'm admitting that I saw LFO in concert.  I guess it could be worse - it could have been Hanson or the BSB. 

Moving on...

My third concert was during my freshman year of college to see John Mayer.  I went with my best friend and to be honest, the concert experience totally sucked.  It was raining, it was cold and my friend wanted to leave early because she wasn't really into him at all.  Needless to say, I was kind of pissed.  Who the hell leaves a concert early?!  Apparently we do.  Yeah, that concert experience totally blew donkey dick.  Hard.  (that's what she said.)

Then I went to see Hoobastank with a guy I was dating in college and his friend and girlfriend.  The concert was pretty decent.  Even though I didn't really know the band that well, I am now in love with them.  Although they haven't put out (that's what she said) a good album since their first one.  But I did MEET THEM.  Yes, I know you're jealous.  And I have pictures.  And I may or may not have grabbed the lead singer's ass while we were taking pictures. 

Then I went to FarmAID in Philadelphia about three or four years ago.  It's a big charity concert that raises awareness for Farms.  And I think it had something to do with food?  Anyway, the main reason I went was to see Dave Matthews.  Of course, he put on a good show, but he did it solo, so it wasn't as spectacular as I thought it was going to be.  Of course we all got drunk (and some of us may or may not have experienced drugs that sometimes come in a cigarette-like form).  Overall it was a good concert.  And I have a t-shirt from it that says "Farmer's kick ass."  But instead of the word "ass" there's a picture of a donkey.  Yeah, it's awesome.  Be jealous.

Then I went to see Dave Matthews Band about two years ago and it was one of the better concerts I've attended. Especially since he performed my absolute favorite DMB song ever, Crush.  Sometimes I dream of him singing that to me every night as I fall asleep.

What?

So, in 2009 I went to zero concerts.  ZERO.  I'm shocked.  I tried to go to the DMB concert a few months ago with a friend (she already had tickets) but I wasn't thrilled about dropping $150 on lawn seats.  I love you, Dave, but not $150 worth for lawn seats.  Sorry.

This morning, I woke up to a lovely email from Ticketmaster with a list of some of their 2010 concerts.  As I scrolled down the list, I noticed something about John Mayer.  Turns out he's coming to Philadelphia in February and I'm so going to be there.  And I may or may not have already bought my tickets.  And I may even wear my fitted "I heart John Mayer" tee. 

I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

in the zone

{via}

"I really like you.  You're beautiful, intelligent, and dynamic.  You make me laugh - and it's rare to find a woman who can make me laugh.  And you laugh at my jokes, which I think is great.  But... here's the thing.  If we continue to date each other, I'm going to turn into a douchebag and disappear after a couple months and never talk to you.  Because that's what I do.  I date someone for a little while and then bail.  And then find someone else to date for a while and bail.  I don't know why - maybe because I've been in a committed relationship for 10 years and it's the Bachelor screaming in me - but it's just what I do for right now.  Maybe down the road when I'm ready for another relationship, we can pursue it, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you.  Because I really, really do like you - I think the world of you - but I really want to be close friends years from now and I just don't want to ruin whatever we have, whatever this is."  

Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?

Well, I do.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming.  I just had a hunch.  While I appreciate his honesty and upfront-ness, it still stings.  Investing some time into a person, beginning to feel something for someone, all to get pushed into the Friend Zone at the end.

I don't know how to maintain a friendship with an ex.  Ex-boyfriend.  Ex-dater.  Ex-whateveryoucallit.  In fact, I don't talk to any guys that I've been involved with.  Not my college boyfriend.  Not the guy I dated last summer or two years ago.  Not even any of the guys I've had casual encounters with.  Actually, that's a lie.  I'm good friends with one guy that I had a brief stint with.  But for the most part, I don't know how to be friends with an ex.  Because the friendship is never the same, and things are always off kilter when your ex starts dating someone else.  And I'm the kind of person who falls hard and fast for someone, and would prefer not to experience the after-effects of trying to maintain a friendship with an ex.

Thankfully, I haven't invested too many feelings or emotions into this (which is exactly why I dislike relationships - the feelings!  the emotions!  the break-ups!  I can't handle it!!), but it still stings.  It's like someone punched me in the stomach.  Because we shared intimate secrets, stories, and life experiences with each other and I allowed myself to become vulnerable to him.  It still hurts when you really do like someone - and those feelings are returned - but the guy just can't commit.  Or he won't commit.  Perhaps it's not the fact that he doesn't want a commitment right now (which is fine, because frankly I don't think I could handle a serious commitment right now, either), so much as it is the fact that he knows and wants to be a serial dater, and won't let anyone hold him back from being that.

Don't get me wrong, I get the whole enjoy your singlehood and date around thing, I do.  I did it, I enjoyed it.  It even made for some great blog fodder.  I guess I just don't understand it when feelings are returned and invested.  Am I too old-fashioned by believing in monogamy? 

Now I know why he made the rule of not dating anyone from the gym or hockey leagues.  Because whether we stay friends or not, I still have to see him at least once a week.  But at least he's off to Brazil for three weeks, so I have some time to figure out where to go from here. 

Is it really possible to stay close friends with an ex or someone you dated?  Or am I just that socially incompetent?

tomato, tomahto

When I was in third grade, my parents made me take speech classes because I couldn't pronounce my "R's" correctly.  My classmates used to make fun of me because of that.  And then I killed them. To this day, I hate any word with the letter "R" in it.  Especially the small words like "are" and "for."

Pittsburgh has somehow developed its own jargon called "Pittsburgh-ese."  We say things like "dahntahn" (downtown) and "Stillers" (Steelers).  And we say phrases like: "Yinz goin' dahntahn to see dem Stillers 'n at?"  which translates to: "Are you guys going downtown to watch the Steelers game?"

I was fortunate enough not to grow up with a Pittsburgh accent.  Although I occasionally catch myself saying "yinz" (translates to "you guys").  And I definitely say "pop" instead of "soda."  Philly people mock me endlessly for that one.  And if you're lucky enough, you'll hear me say things like "jagoff," "gumband" and "hoagie."  I guess "hoagie" isn't that unusual, but true Philadelphian's say "subs" and I've been called out for saying "hoagie" a couple times in the past.

Recently, I've started becoming more conscious of what I say.  Or rather, how I say it.

Example.

I say:  "elemen-TARY"

You say: "elementree"

Use it in a sentence.  "I barely remember anything from elemen-tary school."

Yes, that's how I pronounce it.  I never thought it was weird until recently when all of my friends point out the fact that it's the wrong pronunciation.  It's spelled E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y.  Right?  RIGHT.

How do you say: W-H-E-N?

"When" right?  As in: "When did you send me the email?"

I say: "win."  As in, "Win are you going to the bar?"

Don't judge me. 

So the holiday that's coming up is Thanksgiving.  Or shall I say, THANKSgiving.  So I took a poll to see how many people say "Thanksgiving."  The results came back and most people emphasize it as: "ThanksGIVing."

I asked my brother the other night how he says it and he says it the same way I do.  So I'm starting to think it's a Pittsburgh thing.  I guess I do have an accent.  At least it's not a big one.

(that's what she said).

on happiness

(via)

Positively Present is one of my favorite blogs to read.  It gives advice on how to be more positive and happy in our lives.  And really, who doesn't need that?

I saw the picture above on today's post.  It really struck a chord in me.  And I started thinking, how happy am I really?

Six years ago I was living in Pittsburgh, finishing school and getting ready to embark on another chapter.  Six years ago I wasn't happy.  I had just ended a bad relationship and all I wanted to do was finish school and leave the city.  Pittsburgh is a small town.  It's a college town and most people who grow up in Pittsburgh, don't leave.  I knew that I didn't want to be one of those people.  All of my friends from high school went to Penn State and found their way back to Pittsburgh.  I didn't want to be like them, either.

When I applied for jobs, I landed two: one with the District Attorney's office in Philadelphia and the other with the Attorney General's office in Washington, D.C.  My dream was to live in D.C.  But at the time, I knew I couldn't afford it.  So I declined the job offer and took the one in Philadelphia.  My first year in Philly was tough.  The only person I knew in this city was my ex and I had no intentions of spending any time with him.  It took me a while before I branched out of my comfort zone, but I found a few sports leagues to join and I attended some networking events with co-workers.  By the end of that first year, I had built myself a nice social network.

It's been five years now and that original social network no longer exists, but I believe that I've made myself a better social network.  I believe that those friends I met during that first year here weren't really "friends."  Maybe they were temporary friends; maybe I was just holding out until a better friend came along.

Twenty-five years of living has taught me to dispose of all the crappy friends in my life.  I learned that second chances don't come often - and if I give you a second chance, well, you better make the most of it.  I learned that certain people will always let you down and sometimes it's those friends who you never thought could, end up exceeding your expectations. You're going to have crappy friends and those friends who will do anything for you - but it's up to you to realize what they are worth to you.  Sometimes we forget that; we forget how worthy a friend really is to us.  We focus too much on those moments they let us down and forget about those moments they stood beside us when we really needed them. 

The friends I've made over the last five years are worth more than the weight of gold.  The memories I've created in this city are unforgettable.

Am I happy?

Yes.  Absolutely.  I may not be happy every second of every day, but I'm happy with the life I've created for myself in this city.  I'm happy lucky to have the friends I do and the memories I'll never forget .  I didn't think I would ever be able to say that about living in Philadelphia; certain memories I have of this city sting every part of my body, but I'm working on letting go of that painful past and creating a unforgettable, happy future for myself.  I still have a lot of work to do, but so far, I think I've done pretty well.

"We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better."

- Garden State -

reason #45786 why I'm an alcoholic:

I received an email from a friend today that said:

"...I think I'm having a baby."

My friend is 25 years old and unemployed.  And she still lives at home with her parents.  I think my head exploded after reading that email.

I can't even process that sentence yet.  Mainly because I don't want to process that because I know that IF she is pregnant, she's going to keep it and I don't support that decision at all based on her financial status and lack of employment... and the fact that she is just not ready to bring a baby into this world.  But I have to support her through this because it's what friends do. 

"...we all need mirrors to remind ourselves of who we are..."

(I apologize again, for the crappy post today.  I actually had a really great post to write, but then that happened and well... I had to vent about it.  Feel free to delete me from your readers now.)

let me google that for... myself

I'm participating in my non-profit's suicide pool and I'm one of five people left.  Oh yeah, and I'm the only girl remaining.  The winner of the pool wins $225.  You know what I can buy with $225?  A lot of hookers and blow.  A sweet Nintendo Wii.

So this week, my picks were the Arizona Cardinals and the Minnesota Vikings.  My friend couldn't decided between the Pittsburgh Steelers or the Baltimore Ravens.  I knew going into this weekend that the Steelers wouldn't beat the Bungles.  He told me I was wrong (saying that the Steelers wouldn't lose to Cincinnati twice), but I knew I'd be right. 

Turns out?  I was right. 

I'm always right.

me: you're lucky you went with the Ravens this week

him: I was testing you.

me:  I may not be as smart as you, but I know my football.

him:  sure, what's an illegal shift?

me:  a shift that's illegal

him:  how about encroachment

me: advancing beyond the line illegally

him:  intentional grounding

me: quarterback throws the football away to avoid a sack

him:  boarding?

me: ::thinking::  no.

him:  charging?

me:  no.  stop giving me hockey terms.

him:  test.  google helps, doesn't it?

OK fine, maybe I had some help with google - but I still know my football.  And I'm still going to win this pool.  And I'm still going to buy some hookers and blow myself a nintendo wii.

(I apologize for this lame post.  NaBloPoMo is getting the best of me right now and I'm only half way through.  I promise to post something more substantial about hookers and blow tomorrow.)

"it's only life"

Today my non-profit held our charity soccer tournament.  It's events and days like today that stress me out.  I always, always go into these events wishing we raised hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet we always end up walking away with a hundred ... or a couple thousand, like we did tonight.

But surprisingly, I'm proud of my team for working as hard as they did and raising almost $2,000.  It makes doing what I do so much more enjoyable and rewarding.  It makes my life more complete.

Today was a learning experience.  It was our second biggest fundraiser and it somehow turned out being our most profitable one yet. 


Today I learned that hard work really does pay off.  And if you put your faith in certain people, everything will come together as it needs to.  And maybe hopefully someday this will grow into something bigger and better than what it already is.


Today I learned that "it's only life..."  We work so hard to pay our bills; we work so hard at maintaining friendships and relationships; we work so hard to reap the rewards.  It's only life.  It's not about the money or how hard you work or how hard you fall; it's about life - living it and loving it.  Even on your darkest day, it's only life.


Tonight, as the clock strikes midnight, I leave you with one of my favorite songs and a piece of advice, especially for all of your twenty-something's out there:

take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,

just take your time, it's only life