knowing what you're worth

{photo credit}

Trial and error.  Test runs.  Experiments.  Chances.  Risks.  

Everything we do, every lesson we learn, and every mistake we make starts out as a risk, a chance, a test run.  We test the waters of a new career or job.  We take a chance on a relationship.  We risk starting over to find our own happiness.

After a while though, after all of the experiments, test runs, chances, and risks, and underneath all of the shit and the tears and the failure you begin to learn that you are worth it.  You learn that not every connection will turn into a long-lasting friendship and not every spark will turn into a relationship.  You learn that something that turned your world upside down (in the good way) can tear you to pieces in an instant.  You learn that sometimes following your heart isn't always the right thing and that sacrifices always come at an emotional cost.  You learn to not believe everything you hear and that promises can be broken.  You learn how to put yourself first in a way that everyone else won't understand, but it doesn't really matter what they think, as long as it's right for you.  You learn that happiness is fleeting but it shows you how to live for the moments.  You learn that loneliness can be excruciatingly painful but if you can sit with it, it will make you a stronger person.  

But most importantly, you learn how to start over.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Because you've already done it once, in a place you thought made you happy.  And now you have to do it again.  In a new city.  To find new happiness and new adventures and new gratitude.  But it's not because you're running away from what you started; it's because you know what you're worth and you're going to get it.  

solitude

Silence is golden.

I miss those moments of pure silence.  The ones where you can just sit on a bench in a park and stare out into the world.  The moments when you can hear yourself breathing and it becomes mesmerizing.

Today was one of those days.  A day when I just craved pure silence and moments in solitude but I was forced to be surrounded by people because of a planned Sunday potluck dinner and a friend's going away party.  All I wanted was five minutes to sit, stare, breathe, and think.  

Today was one of those days when I missed having my own room to escape to.  

Today was one of those days when I missed being around the friends who know me.  

Today was one of those days when I didn't want to participate in conversation and I didn't want people to ask me if I decided on staying or leaving Australia and I didn't want to hear about someone's trip overseas to the U.S.  

Today, I just wanted to be alone, but you give up your solitude when you make the choice to live in a hostel and create friendships. 

Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day...

on facing another difficult decision that won't leave me in Australia

"You need to be good to yourself.  Stop taking care of everyone else - let them make their own mistakes, let them find their own way.  Be the kind person you've always been, but know when to let someone go."

I met Trina last Tuesday evening at a cafe next to the Hostel the same night I met the boy.  Trina's an older Australian woman who's extremely kind, warm-hearted, and I've been exceptionally grateful to be able to spend quality time with her.

Today, I gushed and vented and revealed.  A woman who I've only known for a week knew all about my past, present, and future.  I told her the real reason why I'm traveling abroad and I confessed the loneliness that I've been struggling with. 

Everything happens for a reason.

It's so cliche, I know but I believe that everything that's led to my journey to Australia has happened for a reason.  Something made me get here and something deep in my heart allowed me to fall in love with this country.

But over the last 48 hours, a lot has changed.  Happiness is fleeting.  I've been battling some emotional demons that have risen and I've been trying to work through - yet again - a way to cover the damaged and broken with gratitude and love. 

Australia was supposed to be a holiday, and boy, a holiday it was.  I met a girl from Hollywood who I wouldn't normally be friends with and I met a man who made me feel things I've never felt before.  But I don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices hopes and dreams and a life worth living for a comfortable lifestyle or a relationship.  

I haven't been myself lately, and I don't know if it's because I've been partying every night with Ms. Hollywood or if I've been consumed with spending so much time with the boy, but I just haven't felt right and today it all caught up to me as I spent five hours at a cafe crying with Trina.  

I was offered a job in Taiwan teaching English at a summer camp.  It starts on July 1st and I can stay for as long (or little) as I want.  They have already provided me with an apartment and they will arrange airport pick up for me.  

As much as I'm enjoying my time in Australia, this country is ridiculously expensive and I could really use a paycheck right now.  But just as I start building a foundation here, I'm faced with another difficult decision. 

I thought about staying in Sydney for a year, but after analyzing that decision tonight at the cafe, I realized that it would have been based around a boy and a relationship that might not have worked out.  I want to give it a chance, but I also don't want to be one of those people who sacrifices their future for a relationship.  That's so not my thing. 

I believe that certain people come into your life for a reason.  Maybe this isn't supposed to be it.  Maybe this is supposed to show me that I have what it takes to feel something for someone again, and that it is okay to believe in falling in love again.  Maybe he's supposed to show me that it's okay to trust someone so quickly and it's okay to feel something for someone so soon. 

Maybe, just maybe, Australia was the stepping stone for me to feel whole again. 

on taking chances

 {via}

"If you get a chance, take it

If it changes your life, let it

Nobody said it would be easy

They just promised it would be worth it."

The problem with dating abroad is that I haven't been able to stay long enough in one city to justify dating someone.  I don't want to start something knowing it's going to end in a week because I have to leave the country.

When a certain chain of events didn't work out as planned for Thailand, I decided to stay in Australia for a while because I love it here so much.  Truth be told, I didn't think I'd meet someone here who could make me consider staying for this long.  

I am starting to realize that when you live abroad, and you know that you're only here for a certain amount of time, things start to move faster than usual.  I didn't think I'd want to take a chance on a man who lives in Australia, but I am ... and after spending six straight nights together at his bar, meeting his friends, brother, and coworkers, and going on our first official date last night, I don't know what to do now.

My intention was to visit Australia for five days, but then I started meeting people in the hostel and at the local bar, and suddenly I've been living here for three weeks.  My feelings of loneliness and homesickness have been crushed now that I have finally been able to build a [small] foundation here in Sydney. 

I want to give this a chance.  I owe it to myself now that I've finally found a genuine man who doesn't play games, but it's tough to do all of this knowing that I'll have to leave the country at the end of August.  All of his friends have asked me how long I'm staying and at this point, I just don't know. 

I suppose it's true what they say: you meet someone when you least expect it.  

I wasn't looking for anyone, but suddenly I've found someone. 

on needing a mental break from everything right now

I don't do well with crowds.  I like small groups, 5 people max.  I like intimate, stimulating conversations with people to learn everything I can about them - their family, their hometown and what brought them to wherever they are today. 

I'm also the kind of person that craves relaxed nights in with a bottle of wine and a good movie.  Or a Friday night to just decompress. 

I like drinking and hanging out with friends, but after a while, it does get to be overwhelming.  Especially when you see the same friends for 30 days straight, and you end up going to the same bars/night clubs week after week. 

Truth be told, I think a part of me is over that hump of partying till the wee hours of the morning every weekend.  My first two weekends in Prague, I stayed out Friday and Saturday nights until about 6 or 7AM both nights/mornings.  It. was. brutal.

All I wanted to do tonight was relax and watch movies, but instead I forced myself to be social and spend a few hours drinking some beers with my new friends.  It was certainly a fun night, but by 1AM I was exhausted.  I need to be productive this weekend (thanks to homework that consists of a grammar exam on Monday, a lesson plan on Wednesday, a grammar presentation on Wednesday, and a 10 page paper due on Monday).  I also want to spend this weekend going to some museums and actually doing fun touristy stuff downtown.  Without a massive hangover.

Truth be told, as much as I love my life in Prague, I miss my girlfriends back home.  I miss our Sunday brunches and our Saturday nights drinking wine and playing Phase 10.  I miss having friends around that I really connect with, because most of my new friends are a lot younger than I am, so they are still in that 'lets party every night' phase, and I've certainly grown out of that.  Sure, I like an occasional bender, but not when I have a weekend full of homework and the desire to explore my new city.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm getting too old for this.  Except, I feel guilty because I'm in Prague and it's beautiful and the bars never close and I feel guilty if I don't go out on a Friday or Saturday night with my classmates.

After graduation next week, I think I might just hop on a train and go to Paris or Italy for the week.

I just need a mental break from everything right now. 

by letting go, I moved forward

{via}

It amazes me how much stuff I own.  Clothes. Shoes. Papers. Unfinished projects. Books. Movies.  I suppose I blame it on acquiring things over the last five years after moving from apartment to apartment.  I always felt like I had a use for everything I kept, or that I would be able to use it in the future.

But then I decided to move out of the country and it was finally time to do something about it.  I've slowly been cleaning and packing over the last couple months, but today was the first time that I dedicated an entire day to packing.  For the last few weeks I've been avoiding everything.  Emotions. Packing. Cleaning. Goodbyes.  Truth is, I honestly cannot believe I'm doing this.  

Today, I cleaned out the clutter.  I tossed clothes I haven't worn in six months into white trash bags for donation.  I boxed up books, stuffed animals and pictures I won't be taking with me.  I let go of shoes I have only worn a few times, sweatshirts that I've had since I was in high school, and ripped jeans that are my absolute favorite, but I know I'll never wear again.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I sent out a few long awaited emails that I knew would be emotionally difficult to send, but was something I had to do to get closure on my own terms.  I contacted people from my past to acknowledge our differences and mistakes that have been made.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I organized my paperwork for Prague, made a check list of things I need to do before I leave, and things I need to do immediately upon landing.  I sat with the feeling of being overwhelmed by the process it will take for me to get transported from Prague Airport to my apartment.  Emotionally, I moved forward.

Today, I realized that less is more.  For the last six years I have been holding onto materialistic items - old clothes, old shoes, old makeup - things I don't need in order to live.  I put an old dress I had been holding onto for three years - a dress I had only worn once, but carries a ton of wonderful memories with it.  I forced myself to add it into the donation bag.  You know you're never going to wear this again, I said to myself.  By letting go, I moved forward.

It's funny to think about how much we hold onto - materialistically and emotionally.  We hold on because we're afraid to let go; we're afraid to find out who we become once we no longer have those things.  But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go.  

Today, I moved forward. 

if I could bottle up my emotions right now and hand it to someone, I'd label it 'f*ck'

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I'm neglecting this blog. 

Not intentionally.  Okay, maybe intentionally.  For one, I'm writing for Stratejoy every week and I'm already having a tough time trying to pump out posts for that.  Two, I have so many thoughts running through my brain and I just don't know how to write them down without busting into tears. 

I feel like I'm in a glass case of emotions.

Ten points to whoever catches that movie reference.

I'm just... so...

scared. terrified. sad. excited. nervous. anxious. overwhelmed. stressed. upset. depressed.

and...

and...

and...

I'm basically feeling every god damn emotion a human being could possibly feel, all at once.  And I don't know how the fuck to deal with it.  I spend my nights laying in bed watching netflix instead of packing because I'm just too fucking terrified to embrace the fact that I'm leaving.  I spend most of my time with my two best girl friends because I'm so effing upset and sad to leave them and I know I'm going to break down into tears when I say goodbye to them.  I've canceled plans with other friends because I just can't fucking see them, knowing it's one more 'goodbye' I have to say.  I'm too upset about going home to Pittsburgh to see my brother because I don't know when I'm going to see him again.

Fuck.

Sorry, I had to say it.  Because if I could bottle up everything I'm feeling and hand it to someone as a present, I would say, I got you a bottle of 'fuck.'

And then they'd be all, WTF? 

And I'd be all, I know.  I don't know.  Don't ask.  I don't know.  Fuck.

I swear, I'm not bi-polar.  

......yet. 

in the kitchen

{via}

Some people choose to go to the gym.  Or drink a glass bottle of wine.  Or hang out with friends.  Or read a book.  But when I'm having a bad day, all I want to do is go home and cook.  I know, it sounds so weird.  Work all day and then go home and work even more all night.  Sounds exhausting, right? 

I've been cooking since I was a little girl.  Both of my parents were ah.may.zing. cooks so they taught me and my brothers well.  After my father passed away, my mother went back to school to pursue a Master's degree while working full-time.  Clearly, this didn't leave much time for her to cook dinner for the family, so I stepped up to the plate.  Every night for three years, I cooked dinner.  While for some children it may seem like a chore, for me it wasn't.  In fact, it was something I looked forward to every night.  Creating recipes, playing with fire spices, and experimenting with bold flavors. 

My passion for life is in my food.  

I realized this tonight, after making three trips to three different grocery stores in the city looking for ricotta cheese.  Seriously, Trader Joe's doesn't carry ricotta cheese?!  

Tonight, I tested out a my own concoction for stuffed strawberries - ricotta cheese, cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla.  I'm sure there's a recipe out there somewhere, or someone's already thought of this, so I can't really take credit for it.  I never thought to pair ricotta cheese with fruit, but it's amazing how delicious it turned out.  This was actually a dry run for my big Super Bowl Sunday Brunch that I'm making for some friends.  I made two dozen stuffed strawberries and I ate all of them in ten minutes four hours.   

Don't judge me.

Earlier this week I also made Thai Basil Chicken with rice from scratch, and for the rest of the weekend I'm getting my hands dirty with a rosemary chicken & spinach salad, turkey meatballs (and maybe an attempt at homemade spaghetti sauce), and ricotta-blueberry pancakes. 

I don't use recipes because I hate them (I also hate measurements), but I decided to start writing things down so I can take credit for it in the future.  And for when I open up my own restaurant/bed & breakfast.

I dream big, what can I say.

Got any good recipes for me?  I promise I won't steal them.  Or at least give you credit for them.

Maybe.

PS:  Did you read my intro post on Stratejoy yet?  I'll be blogging there every Friday for the next six months.   Lots of delicious and honest writing.  Check me out, yo. 

"the world stares while I swallow the fear"

 {via}

Ever since I had that conversation and wrote about leading a double life, I can't stop thinking about it.  Why am I doing this?  What am I afraid of?  What's the point? ...are the questions running through my head.  I struggle with the idea that people - strangers, friends, random bloggers, acquaintances - could still like me (in whatever capacity) after I put it all out there.  Being vulnerable is scary.  I want to put it all out there without having people turn away or think differently of me.

I took a two hour walk around Center City today.  I walked around Fairmount, Rittenhouse, and Society Hill.  With coffee in hand and Pink's new song blasting on my iPod on repeat.

"Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever, ever feel

Like your less than

Fuckin' perfect"

I couldn't stop listening to that song.  I still can't.  The beat.  The lyrics.  She nailed it.  TWSS.

Today, I had a moment.  As I walked through Rittenhouse Park, after purchasing a new pair of Lucky jeans, and I tossed my Starbucks coffee cup in the trash can.  The simple act of throwing away that coffee cup made me feel like I was unchaining myself from this city.  Emotionally, I could feel the chains falling from my heart and soul.  Everything that was chaining me down was slowly being released.  And it felt amazing.  

It was during that stroll through the city when I realized that I don't want to continue leading this double life.  I want to put myself out there - honestly, and genuinely - without caring what others think.  

"Change the voices in your head

Make them like you instead"

Remember when I told you I was one of six Stratejoy bloggers?  Well, this week we finally go live.  And when I accepted the position, I made a promise to myself that I would write honestly and genuinely about things I'm struggling with, things I'm working on, and the hardships I've overcome.  Friends and acquaintances who don't know about my struggle with depression and losing my parents will finally read about it.  Because in order to find my authentic happiness, I need to learn to be comfortable revealing my dark and damaged past.  I have always cared about what others think - Will they judge me?  Will they feel sorry for me? - but now I just don't care.  

I don't want to be ashamed of what I've been through; I want to be proud of having the strength to survive.

** Title and quotes in this post can be heard in Pink's new amazing song, Fuckin' Perfect.

unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

{via}

When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

another one bites the dust

 {via}

"You can't have friends until you learn how to be one."

I never truly understood the meaning of friendship until I made the courageous decision to let go of a 15 year friendship with my [ex] best friend.  After spending two years fighting like hell to keep our friendship together, I realized that some things just aren't meant to last forever.  It was a cruel lesson to learn and a scary decision to execute, but letting go of that friendship was one of the best things I have done for myself because I am much happier without her in my life. 

Since my time in the City of Brotherly Love, I've been blessed with some incredible friendships, but I've also been burned by some outrageous friendships.  As my two months come to a close though, I'm really trying to invest as much as I can into those friendships that I want to make work. 

A close girl friend recently got engaged.  She's the longest girl friend I've had since living in this city, and while our friendship was built around hockey, I know it doesn't define the friendship.  I know we're better than that, but it's tough being the only one putting effort into this friendship.  Suddenly, I feel like I did four months ago - desperately fighting to keep another friendship together.  It's painful and draining to have to work this hard at friendships.  This is why 90% of my friendships are with men - they're just easier to maintain a friendship with.

I'm incredibly happy for my friend - really, I am - but I'm starting to realize that, once again, I'm standing on the edge of this cliff and I either have to let go and jump off, or continue holding on.  I don't know how much longer I can continue holding on.  Because as much as I want our friendship to endure well after I leave the country, realistically, I know it won't.  I don't know if I'm ready to let go of it just yet though.

It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

this is it: kicking negativity in the ass in order to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy

{via}

We're so quick to judge others, yet we're slow to react to our own decisions.  It's so easy to look at the negatives, the failures, and the mistakes, yet we blind ourselves from seeing our triumphs, accomplishments, and positive changes.  We cripple ourselves from being who we want to be and from accomplishing monumental, life-changing, gutsy dreams.

I'm not typically a big risk-taker.  I don't usually act without putting much careful thought into my decisions.  I spent a big part of my life as a pessimist because I was so used to devastating things happening to me.  Losing my father.  Losing my mother.  Getting cancer.  Nearly losing my oldest brother to a brain tumor.  Losing my job.  Negativity and devastation just feels normal to me now.  

I'm having a hard time knocking negativity and thoughts of failing to the wayside as I prepare for Praha.  I can't stop thinking about the things I'm sacrificing and the people I'm leaving behind.  I'm drowning in these thoughts and it's crippling me from reveling in the excitement and joy that lies ahead.

Whether I'm ready or not, this move is going to change my life.  Being pushed into new cultures, a new language, and new experiences.  Being lost in a city with so much history.  Being emotionally stable as I travel independently for six months.  This isn't make-believe, people, this is real life.  Big, bold, courageous and gutsy.  And I'm completely and utterly terrified. 

Two months from Monday, I board a plane heading to London, England.  Two months from Tuesday, I arrive in Prague.  It all finally hit me.  As I started packing up my bedroom today.  As I talked to my friend who will sublet my bedroom yesterday.  As I crossed things off my to-do list over the last two weeks.  I'm getting closer and closer to living life on my own terms and I'm feeling excited, overwhelmed, joyous, sad, and terrified. 

I want to kick this negativity right in the ass.  I want to stop harboring these feelings of failure and sadness.  I want to stop thinking about what I'm losing, sacrificing, and giving up, and start thinking about the things I'm about to gain.  A life-changing experience.  A new career path.  New friends.  New cultures.  A new city to call 'home.' 

These next two months really matter and I need to make them count.  With a new experience comes a new perspective.  Here we go.  Eyes open, arms out, heart ready.  It's time to smile.  To celebrate.  To embrace.  To hug.  To laugh.  It's time to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy, determined and devoted.

This is it.

on leading a double life

{via}

A friend of mine joined Twitter the other day.  This, just days after he told me in a previous conversation that he doesn't understand Twitter or the sense of tweeting.  I tried explaining it to him, but I don't think he understood it very well.

"I didn't know you were on Twitter," he said.

"I am.  But don't follow me, because then you'll discover my other life."

"What 'other life?'"

"My blog life."

Confession: Sometimes I feel like I lead two lives - a real entrepreneur-by-day, hockey-player-by-night life and a blog life.  Except I didn't realize this until tonight, when I said it to my friend. 

Not very many of my real-life, non-blog friends know about this blog (for good reason).  None of them know that I'm a part of a blogging community and have met some of my [now] closest friends through it.  None of them know about the intimate details that I reveal on this blog.  It's amazing what we will reveal on the internet (via blogs), but we won't tell our real life, non-blogger friends. It's even more amazing at the number of bloggers who have formed real life friendships with other bloggers.  In fact, even most of my Twitter followers are bloggers.  

I got nervous when my friend said he would follow me on Twitter.  And then I [kind of] jokingly said that I would follow him back and tag him in every tweet, as my defense mechanism to get him to not follow me.  I feel like I'm living a double-life because my real life friends just don't understand blogging, blogger meet-ups, or friendships based around blogging.  It makes it very challenging to have a conversation about something I read on a blog when that person has no idea what a blog is. 

While I may not reveal my identity on this, I do reveal intimate thoughts based around my life events.  And sometimes I blog about my real life friends or conversations that spark blog fodder (such as this).   I reveal pieces of my intimate life that I wouldn't necessarily share with my real life friends because it's so much easier to feel less vulnerable when you sit behind a computer screen and type your words, than having to say it to someone face-to-face.  I've come to learn that not every one of my real life friends have the capacity to hold intellectual, stimulating conversations that I often crave.

Today, I announced (via Twitter and FB) that I am one of six Stratejoy Season 4 Bloggers (YAY!!!).  That means I get to spend the next six months blogging about my past, present and future, my Quarterlife crisis, and my journey to discovering authentic happiness.  It means being incredibly honest and open with the Stratejoy Tribe (and the internet) about my life - the challenges I face, the adventures I'm about to take, the bouts of depression I've conquered, the details of my broken and damaged past.  I'm incredibly excited for this opportunity, and to get to know my other Season 4 sisters, but I'm also nervous because once I put it out there, I can't take it back. 

I plan on sharing my Stratejoy adventures with my real life friends, in the hopes that they'll understand what blogging is, why I do it, and how it's become a big part of my every day life.  Because it's my outlet.  After a long day, I blog.  When I'm feeling creative, I blog.  When I want to talk about something, I blog.  I do it because I love it.  

Do what you love and forget the rest.

"to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice."

{via}

I had my first therapy session the other night since my therapist has returned from maternity leave.  I finally told her about losing my job and trading the City of Brotherly Love for the Czech Republic in two months.  As predicted, she was very supportive and kept telling me I need to go.  She said I'm too worn out from my job and the nonprofit, and that this journey abroad could really be the best thing for me right now.  I hate when she's always right.

The more I think about Praha (that's Czech for 'Prague,' in case you were wondering), the more I think about what it means to make the most of this opportunity.  I can now travel the entire world on my own terms.  No deadlines, no commitments, no restrictions.  Opportunities like this don't come very often.  I can travel the world teaching English.  Europe.  Asia.  South America.  Australia (okay, so I can't teach English there, but I can at least visit). 

As of March 1st, I won't have any commitments to this city.  Sure, I'll be leaving my friends and the foundation I built here behind, but I shouldn't let those things hinder me from living life on my own terms.  After I spend my 85 days in Europe, I'm off to either South America or Asia.  I'll return back to the States for a brief stint to collect the rest of my belongings, but then I head back overseas.  And the most thrilling thing about that?  I don't know when I'll return to the States.  Costa Rica, Brazil, Japan, and South Korea are at the top of my 'must-see' list, and all of those countries offer plenty teaching positions.

I always had a plan.  I always had some kind of direction that I wanted my life to head in, but for the first time ever, I have no plan and no direction.  It's terrifying, intimidating, and overwhelming, but you can't put a price on experiences that have the ability to change your life forever. 


* title of the post is a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love.