the road not taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

It’s interesting to learn what life has in store for you.  A decision that seems so easy can often change the course of your life.  And the hardest decision you have to make may not change anything at all.

I kind of dated a friend from college two years ago.  I say “kinda” because we never carried the official titles and it was a long distance thing so I wanted to take it slow.  But he came out here to visit me and I would go home to visit him once or twice a month.  During that period, he had become one of my closest guy friends.  I had this great guy who I kind of dated and who was like a best friend to me.  Perfect, right?

Well it was more complicated than that.  At the time I couldn’t bare to do a long distance relationship.  I didn’t like the thought of being a plane ride away from a significant other.  I didn’t like the idea of not being able to see him whenever I wanted.  It wasn’t my idea of a great relationship.  But nonetheless, we kind of made it work.  And during this time I was still trying to figure out how I felt for this guy.  I mean, I liked him.  I liked spending time with him.  We always got along so well and could goof around and joke around with each other and not care.  We never got into any arguments.  By definition, it was a sign of it potentially being a great relationship.  But I still wasn’t sure.

He came out to visit me New Years 2007 with one of his friends and my BFF came out that weekend also.  We had a great time.  But it quickly ended and before I knew it I was saying goodbye as he was catching a flight back home.  Shortly after he got back home he and I had discussed our little situation in more detail.  I told him that I couldn’t do a long distance relationship … and he had a great job back home that he didn’t have any intention of leaving.  We both pursued the idea of moving to Washington, DC together (this was when I was so determined to move down there).  It was a compromise we could both live with.  He had even applied for teaching positions down in Virginia and received an offer at one.  And while I had interviewed at firms down there, I didn’t have anything solid and wasn’t sure I wanted to move without having a job secured.  And that idea eventually faded away.

And then through some of his friends he ended up meeting another girl.  He quickly became interested in her, but didn’t want to write me off so fast if there was any chance at a future together.  I told him that I wasn’t completely sure and that I didn’t want to hold him back from anything.  At this point I think my feelings for him were just now starting to become real, but I wasn’t sure how fast (or slow) it would take for them to develop into something deeper and I am not the kind of person who would want someone to put their life on hold for me, so I told him to pursue the other girl if he is really interested.

And so he did.  And things were going great.  Better than he had ever imagined.  But while his relationship with the other girl was going great, our friendship was dissolving.  We went from talking every day to once a day to once a week to once a month to a friendly holiday text (you know, the “merry christmas” ones you send the people in your phone that you claim are your friends but you never see them or call them).  And now I can’t tell you the last time I talked to him.  Months.  Many, many months.

I logged onto my computer last night to check some emails, my blog and facebook.  I noticed that he had changed his relationship status on facebook.  So of course I needed to check it out.  I’m sure if I tell you that last night was Valentine’s Day (aka what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year), I’m sure you can figure out what his status changed to.  Yes, it went from “in a relationship” to “engaged.”  Truth?  I was happy, but my heart sunk a little.

The girl that I pushed him to is the very girl he proposed to last night.  I haven’t dug up the courage to congratulate him yet.  I think because I’m still trying to dig through my feelings about that.  I’m happy for the guy – don’t get me wrong – but a tiny little part of me is jealous.  While another part of me is wondering if I let another great guy slip through my hands.  Had I decided to start a relationship with him, would that have been me he would have proposed to last night?  I can’t help but sit here and wonder.

We spend our lives searching for the one. But how many times have we rejected perfectly great guys (or gals) because we didn’t know any better, because we were afraid of settling for “right now” instead of taking a chance?  I can’t help but feel like I missed out on what could have been something amazing because I was too scared … or because I was too naive … or because I was waiting for something better to come along, when in fact that something better was staring me straight in the face.
A decision that was so small, changed both of our lives.

Two roads diverged into the woods, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.