the four agreements

The Four Agreements:

Be impeccable with your word.

Don't take anything personally.

Don't make assumptions.

Always do your best.

The Four Agreements is based on Toltec wisdom and the ancient spiritual knowledge passed down through the cultural "masters" they call naguals.  The book is about grabbing a hold of your personal freedom that was always yours and using it to master your life and not allow others to master you.  By adhering to the "Four Agreements," you will find security within yourself and a better perception of the world around you.

When I first looked at this book, I doubted it.  And I may have judged it by its cover.  Yes, I do that.  Sometimes.  I also buy bottles of wine based on their labels.  Don't judge me.

After looking at it again, I decided to give it a chance.  Because we all deserve a chance.  The book blew me (TWSS) away.  

Seven years of hidden sadness, anger and grief has led me to inadvertently shut the door on certain things in my life.  Things that I may have once found happiness in, I had no longer felt happy about; things that I once thought were beautiful, were no more.  It was like someone stole a big part of myself, and rather than trying to get that part of myself back, I just let it died. Now I realize that this whole therapy thing is about getting that part of my life back, grieving for my parents, letting go of my past and being able to find that happiness and beauty I once possessed.

Be impeccable with your word.

Of the four agreements, this the most important one, yet also the hardest to follow.  What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?  It means expressing yourself in the direction of truth and love.  Speak with integrity.  Be aware of what you say and how you express yourself because it impacts you and others greatly. 

As we go through life, we are constantly influenced by people's words.  If the boys in fifth grade told you you were ugly, then you probably believed it.  Or maybe a teacher made you feel stupid and you decided that was true.  There are thousands of these instances where someone has not been impeccable with their word and we bought what they were selling.  We made agreements that they things they told us were true.

Think of how often you use your word to complain or express envy.  The idea is that every time we do that, we spreading poison into the world, and most importantly, we are poisoning ourselves.

So how does one actually be impeccable with their word?  Think before you speak and speak with integrity.  How many times have your words gotten you into trouble?

"You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love.  How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.  When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good, you feel happy and at peace.”

 Easier said than done, I know, but there's no time [for change] like the present.  But being impeccable with your word isn't just about speaking the truth, it's also about not always needing to speak.  Sometimes silence is golden.  A major step in learning the first Agreement is to also understand the second one:

Don't take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dream.  It's hard (TWSS) to not take everything personally.  Especially when someone's comment hits you so hard (TWSS), it's like a dagger stabbing you in the heart.  Trust me, I know.  I'm a very self-conscious person and have been known to take a lot of hits, comments and opinions personally.  

One thing I learned from reading this book is that every single person is living in their own little world or dream.  No two people are living the same world or dream.  Even married couples are living in different dreams.  When we take something personally, we make the assumption that the other person knows what is in our world or dream.  Even when a situation hits you so personally, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.  What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds.  Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think really is about you, it's about them.  It's them being selfish and wanting to poison your own world.  It's about that person not being impeccable with their word. 

Don't make assumptions.

"Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama."

It sounds so simple, right?  If only it were that easy.

Truth is, we make assumptions all the time.  We assume that we know how someone is going to react to to us.  We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful.  We make assumptions because we're afraid to ask questions.  How helpful would it be if we could directly communicate with someone and ask them questions when we don't understand what they are saying to us?

One of the biggest assumptions we make is that everyone sees the world the same way we do.  This is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.  We think everyone will judge us, criticize us, victimize us, and blame us, just as we do ourselves.  Before others have a chance to reject us, we've already rejected ourselves.  

So how do you overcome this?  

Ask questions.  Communicate clearly and effectively.  Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable.

Always do your best.

"Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret."

There's a difference between doing your best and being a perfectionist.  See, I'm a perfectionist.  I hate messes (contrary to how my bedroom looks at times).  I tackle a project and end up spending more time than necessary on it because in my head, it needs to be [and look] perfect.  And half way through, if it doesn't start looking perfect, I start all over again.  Maybe that's why I only blog like once a week - because I spend so much time writing that "perfect post."

I know that perfection doesn't really exist, but in my head it does.  Lately I've been trying to let go of "perfection" and accept the idea of "doing the best."  It's been hard (TWSS) to adjust to this because it means allowing a project to look or feel imperfect, however it feels more rewarding when I put my best effort into something.  

Actions speak louder than words.  We've all heard that before.  Always doing your best means putting your words into action.  Want to find a better job?  Do it.  Want to lose 15 pounds?  DO IT!  Too many of us sit behind our desks or computers because we are afraid of taking that extra step.  

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  Do it.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love your life.  It's yours and you have only this one chance.  Don't let anyone tell you how to feel.  Feel, do, and say whatever you want.  Live with a purpose. 

"When you let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment."

 - The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz -