trust and hope

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Trust.

A simple word with substantial meaning. 

For years, I've struggled with it. Even now, I still do.

I trusted my college boyfriend when he said he loved me and he cared about me, but then he cheated on me.  Twice.  With two different girls.  Then I trusted that he would protect me - like any boyfriend would protect his girlfriend - but he physically abused me.  So, I left him.

I've never been in a healthy relationship.  I'm sure it's odd since I've had three serious relationships and I've dated a handful of guys - but I can't say that of those three, any of them were healthy.  I just don't know what a healthy relationship is.  Maybe that's why I question whether true love really exists.

I trusted my best friend of 14 years to be my best friend and love and support me, even during my darkest days.  14 years of a friendship and I can't even trust her to listen to me when I need her to.  I can't trust her with much of my life anymore.  So I've stopped depending on her and sharing certain parts of my life with her.

Friendships are a two-way street.  You have to put into it just as much as the other person does, in order for it to last.  For the last decade or so, I've been putting everything I have into that friendship and getting very little in return.  Some people just don't know how to be concerned with anything except themselves.  It's taken me 14 years to realize just how self absorbed and self-centered my "best friend" really is.  And I realize, perhaps a little too late, that some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

I trusted myself to make the right decisions that would lead me to a successful career and happiness.  Most days I feel like I'm failing at everything.

Life isn't ever what you dreamed it would be.  You have to work hard at everything - friendships, relationships, jobs, sports, dieting, exercising - everything.  My biggest flaw is being too hard on myself.  With everything I do.  I can't help it.  I want perfection.  I know it doesn't exist, but a girl can still hope.  Hope [and faith] is what gets me through each and every day.  

I want to be more trusting, but I am afraid of becoming too vulnerable.  I keep [most] people at a distance because I don't appear vulnerable to them.  When you're vulnerable, they can take advantage.  I want to seem strong, independent and determined.

I started seeing a therapist (one that I actually like) because I need to put myself back together again.  I need to feel whole and complete.  I tend to lose track of myself because I get so concerned with others.  I hide my emotions because I don't want to appear vulnerable and weak to others.  I don't discuss the intricate details of my life openly because I'm afraid of the judgment, criticism and sympathy that someone will give me.  Even though I seem strong, independent, determined and focused, I'm also emotional and vulnerable.

At the end of the day, it's all about me.

I need to be more trusting [in others] and more believing [in myself].  I need to let go of that which I cannot control and let others lead their own path.  I need to be more accepting of myself and believe that I really will conquer this world one day.  But most importantly, I need to continue to have hope and faith, each and every day.

Sometimes hope is all we have left in this world to keep on living.

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