by letting go, I moved forward

{via}

It amazes me how much stuff I own.  Clothes. Shoes. Papers. Unfinished projects. Books. Movies.  I suppose I blame it on acquiring things over the last five years after moving from apartment to apartment.  I always felt like I had a use for everything I kept, or that I would be able to use it in the future.

But then I decided to move out of the country and it was finally time to do something about it.  I've slowly been cleaning and packing over the last couple months, but today was the first time that I dedicated an entire day to packing.  For the last few weeks I've been avoiding everything.  Emotions. Packing. Cleaning. Goodbyes.  Truth is, I honestly cannot believe I'm doing this.  

Today, I cleaned out the clutter.  I tossed clothes I haven't worn in six months into white trash bags for donation.  I boxed up books, stuffed animals and pictures I won't be taking with me.  I let go of shoes I have only worn a few times, sweatshirts that I've had since I was in high school, and ripped jeans that are my absolute favorite, but I know I'll never wear again.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I sent out a few long awaited emails that I knew would be emotionally difficult to send, but was something I had to do to get closure on my own terms.  I contacted people from my past to acknowledge our differences and mistakes that have been made.  By letting go, I moved forward.

Today, I organized my paperwork for Prague, made a check list of things I need to do before I leave, and things I need to do immediately upon landing.  I sat with the feeling of being overwhelmed by the process it will take for me to get transported from Prague Airport to my apartment.  Emotionally, I moved forward.

Today, I realized that less is more.  For the last six years I have been holding onto materialistic items - old clothes, old shoes, old makeup - things I don't need in order to live.  I put an old dress I had been holding onto for three years - a dress I had only worn once, but carries a ton of wonderful memories with it.  I forced myself to add it into the donation bag.  You know you're never going to wear this again, I said to myself.  By letting go, I moved forward.

It's funny to think about how much we hold onto - materialistically and emotionally.  We hold on because we're afraid to let go; we're afraid to find out who we become once we no longer have those things.  But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is let go.  

Today, I moved forward. 

if I could bottle up my emotions right now and hand it to someone, I'd label it 'f*ck'

 {via}

I'm neglecting this blog. 

Not intentionally.  Okay, maybe intentionally.  For one, I'm writing for Stratejoy every week and I'm already having a tough time trying to pump out posts for that.  Two, I have so many thoughts running through my brain and I just don't know how to write them down without busting into tears. 

I feel like I'm in a glass case of emotions.

Ten points to whoever catches that movie reference.

I'm just... so...

scared. terrified. sad. excited. nervous. anxious. overwhelmed. stressed. upset. depressed.

and...

and...

and...

I'm basically feeling every god damn emotion a human being could possibly feel, all at once.  And I don't know how the fuck to deal with it.  I spend my nights laying in bed watching netflix instead of packing because I'm just too fucking terrified to embrace the fact that I'm leaving.  I spend most of my time with my two best girl friends because I'm so effing upset and sad to leave them and I know I'm going to break down into tears when I say goodbye to them.  I've canceled plans with other friends because I just can't fucking see them, knowing it's one more 'goodbye' I have to say.  I'm too upset about going home to Pittsburgh to see my brother because I don't know when I'm going to see him again.

Fuck.

Sorry, I had to say it.  Because if I could bottle up everything I'm feeling and hand it to someone as a present, I would say, I got you a bottle of 'fuck.'

And then they'd be all, WTF? 

And I'd be all, I know.  I don't know.  Don't ask.  I don't know.  Fuck.

I swear, I'm not bi-polar.  

......yet. 

unhappy, unsatisfied, disconnected

{via}

When I made the decision to move to Praha, I didn't look at it as a truth-seeking journey.  I chalked it up to turning a sour job loss into an incredible opportunity.  I didn't consider the fact that I was running away from my life here in the States.  Or the fact that I'm searching for something to fill an emotional void.  I looked at this as a chance to gain experience, to start fresh, to change my life.

I watched Eat Pray Love last night, and while it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be (movies based on books rarely are), I really connected to Elizabeth Gilbert's mission to leave her marriage and seek a life full of passion, truth and happiness.  Shouldn't we all be searching for ultimate happiness?

At the end of the movie, Elizabeth says:

"If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are willing to regard everything that happens on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."

And that's when I realized:  this is my truth-seeking journey. This is my self-discovering journey where I figure out my true self.  The hardest thing in the world for me to do, is be honest with myself.  The reality is, a big part of me is running away from the foundation I've built here.  I'm incredibly unsatisfied with nearly every aspect of my life, and that's a harsh truth to accept.  I don't know how to be satisfied here, so I'm choosing to run away.  Because it's so much easier to run away from everything, than face it head-on feeling unsatisfied.

Friends have told me they don't understand why I'm doing this.  Frankly, I'm beginning to think I don't understand either.  It's so much easier to say, "I'm spending time traveling the world" than it is to say, "I'm running away from my life here."   I don't know what I'm looking for.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find at the end of this journey.  I just know I'm unhappy, unsatisfied, and disconnected from what I have here.  I feel like everyone has their life in check - they know what they want and they're taking the steps to do it.  And I'm just standing here, with my feet in the cement, trying to figure out which direction to walk in.  

I want happiness, passion, and truth.  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of each day and be happy with myself.  I want to stop feeling unsatisfied, disconnected and empty.   I just want to feel something other than what I'm feeling right now.

this is it: kicking negativity in the ass in order to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy

{via}

We're so quick to judge others, yet we're slow to react to our own decisions.  It's so easy to look at the negatives, the failures, and the mistakes, yet we blind ourselves from seeing our triumphs, accomplishments, and positive changes.  We cripple ourselves from being who we want to be and from accomplishing monumental, life-changing, gutsy dreams.

I'm not typically a big risk-taker.  I don't usually act without putting much careful thought into my decisions.  I spent a big part of my life as a pessimist because I was so used to devastating things happening to me.  Losing my father.  Losing my mother.  Getting cancer.  Nearly losing my oldest brother to a brain tumor.  Losing my job.  Negativity and devastation just feels normal to me now.  

I'm having a hard time knocking negativity and thoughts of failing to the wayside as I prepare for Praha.  I can't stop thinking about the things I'm sacrificing and the people I'm leaving behind.  I'm drowning in these thoughts and it's crippling me from reveling in the excitement and joy that lies ahead.

Whether I'm ready or not, this move is going to change my life.  Being pushed into new cultures, a new language, and new experiences.  Being lost in a city with so much history.  Being emotionally stable as I travel independently for six months.  This isn't make-believe, people, this is real life.  Big, bold, courageous and gutsy.  And I'm completely and utterly terrified. 

Two months from Monday, I board a plane heading to London, England.  Two months from Tuesday, I arrive in Prague.  It all finally hit me.  As I started packing up my bedroom today.  As I talked to my friend who will sublet my bedroom yesterday.  As I crossed things off my to-do list over the last two weeks.  I'm getting closer and closer to living life on my own terms and I'm feeling excited, overwhelmed, joyous, sad, and terrified. 

I want to kick this negativity right in the ass.  I want to stop harboring these feelings of failure and sadness.  I want to stop thinking about what I'm losing, sacrificing, and giving up, and start thinking about the things I'm about to gain.  A life-changing experience.  A new career path.  New friends.  New cultures.  A new city to call 'home.' 

These next two months really matter and I need to make them count.  With a new experience comes a new perspective.  Here we go.  Eyes open, arms out, heart ready.  It's time to smile.  To celebrate.  To embrace.  To hug.  To laugh.  It's time to be balls-to-the-wall gutsy, determined and devoted.

This is it.

"to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice."

{via}

I had my first therapy session the other night since my therapist has returned from maternity leave.  I finally told her about losing my job and trading the City of Brotherly Love for the Czech Republic in two months.  As predicted, she was very supportive and kept telling me I need to go.  She said I'm too worn out from my job and the nonprofit, and that this journey abroad could really be the best thing for me right now.  I hate when she's always right.

The more I think about Praha (that's Czech for 'Prague,' in case you were wondering), the more I think about what it means to make the most of this opportunity.  I can now travel the entire world on my own terms.  No deadlines, no commitments, no restrictions.  Opportunities like this don't come very often.  I can travel the world teaching English.  Europe.  Asia.  South America.  Australia (okay, so I can't teach English there, but I can at least visit). 

As of March 1st, I won't have any commitments to this city.  Sure, I'll be leaving my friends and the foundation I built here behind, but I shouldn't let those things hinder me from living life on my own terms.  After I spend my 85 days in Europe, I'm off to either South America or Asia.  I'll return back to the States for a brief stint to collect the rest of my belongings, but then I head back overseas.  And the most thrilling thing about that?  I don't know when I'll return to the States.  Costa Rica, Brazil, Japan, and South Korea are at the top of my 'must-see' list, and all of those countries offer plenty teaching positions.

I always had a plan.  I always had some kind of direction that I wanted my life to head in, but for the first time ever, I have no plan and no direction.  It's terrifying, intimidating, and overwhelming, but you can't put a price on experiences that have the ability to change your life forever. 


* title of the post is a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love.

we all have to believe in something

It happened. 

I was standing in the kitchen on Christmas Eve with my two brothers, their wives, and my oldest brother's mother-in-law.  We shared stories, laughed and drank wine.  We celebrated an engagement, a new house, Christmas, and family togetherness.  My oldest brother asked me if I had decided on Prague, and without any hesitation I said, "I'm going."

I have never been so confident about a decision in my entire life.  No guilt, no regrets, no second guessing myself.  I'm still terrified, but in an oh-my-god-I'm-really-doing-this kind of way.

Eventually, you reach a point in life where you stop questioning your decisions, your abilities, and yourself and just do it.

People tell me I'm being selfish.  My oldest brother said he doesn't understand why I'm doing this.  Someone told me I'm destined to fail.

I've spent the last three years trying to make a difference in this world to save women's lives from cancer.  I have dedicated my heart and soul to helping others because it's just who I am, and because I genuinely care about others. 

You can't help others until you learn how to help yourself.

I've been struggling over the last month to put myself back together.  I spiraled into depression a couple weeks ago - something I haven't done since 2003 - and felt completely lost in life.  Maybe I am being selfish, but I think I deserve to be.  We all deserve to be a little selfish in order to live life on our own terms.

I haven't told that many people about Prague.  Not because I don't want to, but because I know what they are going to say.  Except this isn't about them, it's about me.  It's about rediscovering myself, uncovering a new type of happiness, and continuing to live life on my own terms.

"You don't have to understand why I'm doing this, you just have to support me."

My oldest brother doesn't get it because he spent nearly a decade in school to earn a PhD, and he has been working with BP since.  So yeah, he doesn't get why I'm doing this because his career path has always been shoveled for him. 

Not everyone will understand your decisions in life, or support the path you follow, but the only thing that matters is your ability to believe in yourself.  

And for the first time in a long time, I believe in myself, in my abilities, and in this.

Oh, the places you'll go

{{This post is part of #reverb10, an annual event and month-long online initiative to reflect on this year and manifest what's next for 2011.

 

Today's prompt: Travel.  How did you travel in 2010?  How and/or where would you like to travel next year?}}

 

{photos taken in Pittsburgh, PA; Seattle, WA; Washington, D.C.; Honeoye Lake, NY; Savannah, GA; Philadelphia, PA}

I made a New Year's resolution three years ago to travel more.  It's the only resolution I've been able to keep.  I want to hit all 48 states by my 30th birthday.  I dream big, what can I say.  This year I crossed the State of Washington off my list, and soon-to-be Texas.  At the end of 2010, I will have visited 21 out of 50 states. 

In 2011, I'll be traveling internationally for at least three months.  On my list to visit are Czech Republic, Austria, Germany, Slovakia, and Poland.  I'm dying to see Paris, return to Italy, and visit my friend in London while I'm over there, but I'm not sure if I'll have enough time (or money!), since I will only be able to stay in the Schengen Area for a max of 90 days on a passport, and most likely won't have a working visa by the time I get kicked out of Europe. 

I'm excited for my traveling plans next year.  I really want to immerse myself in the different cultures and history while I'm abroad.  The first time I went to Europe, in 2004, I didn't really appreciate international traveling (mainly because I got sick the moment I landed in Austria), the cultures, and the food, but now that I've grown and developed my traveling (and food) palate, I'm really looking forward to this.

And if all goes well, hopefully I'll find myself back in my homeland in 2011, too.

Prague or bust.

{via}

I'm heading to Prague, Czech Republic on March 17, 2011.  I'll be living abroad for 2-3 months and earning my TEFL Certification.  I'll be traveling Europe and hopefully creating a different feeling of happiness for myself that I never knew existed.  I'm excited but insanely terrified.

This isn't moving two hours away from home, this is moving across bodies of water to a different continent.  Because once I'm in Prague, there's no turning back for at least three months.  It's a serious commitment in a different country that requires an open mind, an open heart, and being adventurous. 

As excited as I am about this opportunity, I'm terrified to go.  The 8 hour plane ride.  The jet lag.  The culture shock.  The home-sickness.  The fact that I'm doing this all alone.  It's overwhelming to think about, but I know deep down in my heart that this is something I need to do for myself.

Because if I don't do this now, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Prague or bust.

"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

{via}

When I graduated college, the decision to move to Philadelphia was easy.  I was done with school and I had a job waiting for me.  My fear of living in a big city and not knowing anyone disappeared because I was anxious to start that next chapter of my life.  

You'll never leave where you are, until you decide where you'd rather be.

When I moved to Philadelphia, it was supposed to be temporary.  One year, max.  I wanted to gain professional experience in a big city, so that I could move onto better things.  And since I had already spent a summer living in Philadelphia prior to moving here, it was easy to make that decision.  The first year was the hardest, and I realize that Philadelphians aren't typically warm and friendly to outsiders.  But over the last five years, I've done well for myself.  I gained some invaluable professional experience in the Corporate and Nonprofit world, I discovered my passion for helping others and making a difference, I found some amazing girl friends who would go above and beyond for me, and I'm a part of a great ball hockey community.  The things I've done, the people I've met, and the experiences I've created here are priceless.  But the problem is, it's not enough.  These are the reasons keeping me in Philadelphia.  The friendships, the jobs, the comfortable lifestyle of living in a big city.  A big part of me is settling for this kind of life, when deep down, I know that I want more.  I want more experiences - bigger experiences, more adventure, more thrills, more failures, more of not knowing and I'm not going to continue getting that by staying here.

 

When one door closes, another one opens.

The first rule in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is not to panic.  When I found out my law firm is dissolving, I panicked.  What do I do now?  How will I afford to pay rent?  How will I survive?  I spent close to two weeks shutting myself from the outside world.  I stopped talking to friends, I stopped playing hockey, I stopped doing all of the things I was so used to doing because I was terrified and upset.  I still am terrified and upset.  Losing a job is a devastating thing, and most Gen-Y'ers aren't prepared, emotionally and financially, when it happens. 

I had everything planned out - re-brand my nonprofit organization, start graduate school, and make 2011 the best year yet.  And then this happens and suddenly I feel like I have no motivation to even get out of bed each day.

But then I realized that losing my job isn't the worst thing in the world.  Sure, it sucks, but I've already been through other monumental, devastating life events that I can certainly handle losing my job.  It's about making the most of what you have, regardless of how bad it is and how much it hurts.

Everything happens for a reason.

I've been so caught up over losing my job, that I forgot about what happens next.  Traveling.  Adventures.  New opportunities.  Challenges.  The unknown.  It wasn't the right time to move to Chicago or California when I had made those decisions a few years ago.  It wasn't smart to just quit a job and lose all my benefits, just so I could find out what else is out there.  But now?  Now this is my chance.  To travel.  To seek new opportunities.  To face new challenges.  To do the things that people don't think I'm capable of.

This is it.

I applied for a Teach English in a Foreign Country (TEFC) Certification program.  It's a rigorous four weeks of classes (and live teaching) taught by certified professors who teach you the skills to teach English.  Upon acceptance (into the program) and completion (of the certification), I will have the education, experience, and certification that allows me to teach English abroad in any country.  For as long as I want.  I could start as early as mid-January, and I could study in Prague, Barcelona, or London.  Studying in Europe, teaching English, traveling the world, and getting paid to do it all.  How can I pass this up now?  

I'll know my acceptance into the program sometime next week.  When I get accepted, I'll start my program in late-February/early March in either London or Prague.  And after that, the rest is history.  Now that I have nothing holding me back here, all that awaits are new challenges, new dreams, and new beginnings.  

Maybe 2011 will still be my best year yet, after all.

"There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be.  Sometimes they're little, subtle moments.  Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming.  NO one asks for their life to change, but it does.  It's what you do afterwards that counts.  That's when you find out who you really are."

- Whistler -

* title of the post is from Fight Club.  Only one of my most favorite movies ever.

how do you make those life-changing decisions?

(via)

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."

- Flora Whittemore -

When faced with a big, life-changing decision, what do you do?

Do you make the more sensible decision or do you take the risk, not knowing what the outcome is?  How do you evaluate it?  How many people do you talk to about it?  Which people do you talk to about it?

I've never been good at making those tough choices.  Especially ones that could change your life.  But lately I've been re-evaluating where I am in my life.

I'm almost 27, with a job that's starting to make me miserable, in a city that is slowly becoming unsatisfying.  The only thing keeping me here, really, are my friends.

My decision?   

Quit my job at the end of August (when my lease expires) and buy a plane ticket to my home land and spend a few weeks traveling abroad.  Risk the unknown - both in a new country, and when I return to the States - not knowing if I'd be able to find a job when I return, not knowing how long I'd be able to live off of a small savings account, not knowing .... anything.  

or

Stay at my current job (and hold onto the benefits of having health insurance and growing my retirement fund), in my current city, and settle for what I have.....until I can find something better.  IF I can find something better.

I have every intention of re-visiting my home land, but I've always had an excuse not to.  I don't have enough money.  I don't have the time.  I don't... I don't... I don't... I'm starting to run out of excuses.  I'm starting to realize that I need to do this, but it's a trip that could potentially change my life and that?  Is scary.  Because this time I have control over it.  I can do it on my own terms.  

Teachers prepare you for certain things in the "real world," but they don't prepare you for those life-changing decisions you have to make.  Moments that could change your life, for better or worse.  Time that cannot be undone.  Experiences that will shape another part of your life. 

A decision (and trip) that could potentially change my life and I'm too scared to make it. 

"I promise to go in with an open heart and an open mind."

...is what I wrote on a post-in note and tucked it away in my purse, as I was packing for Flo-rida.  

My lack of female-based-friendships stems from my own insecurities.  I have never really had girl friends who have accepted me completely and authentically for who I am.  Perhaps this insecurity lies in the type of relationship I had with my mother.  Her and I were never close, so I never really grew up knowing what it was like to have close relationships with anyone.  I've had girl friends come and go, and in the end, the all seemed to have betrayed me one way or the other.  Even my friendship with my best friend isn't that close-knit, and this is a girl I have known for about 15 years.  

I find it difficult to relate to most girls I know or meet because of my past.  I shouldn't let my past hinder me from building new relationships, but those past experiences have resulted in crossing over into adulthood a lot sooner for me.  It's hard to connect with someone on an emotional level when the other person is at a different level than you.  

It wasn't until recently when I starting building close friendships with girls.  Blogging does wonders.  My non-blog friends find it weird when I talk about my blog friends.  The reality is, my non-blog friends just don't get it.  I may not reveal my job, my work, or my identity on here, but I do reveal deep, dark, intimate details of my life - past and present - that I wouldn't normally talk about.  And it's not because I share it for my readers (hi readers!), but I share it for myself, because writing - whether it's in a journal, on a post-it note, or on my blog - is my creative outlet.  And I do enjoy looking back on my old posts to see how far I have come in a week, a month or a year.  Self-reflection can be therapeutic. 

I never did the Spring Break thing, and I grew up with 2 older brothers, so sharing and living with girls is a big adjustment for me.  I've lived with two different sets of girls for about two years now, and I am always very self-conscious of what I do around the house, what I say to them and whether they think I'm hogging the televisions too much.  I spend my time at my house alone, watching TV in my basement or watching a movie on my computer in my bedroom.  I just don't know how to bond with my roommates.

Today I am off to spend a long weekend sharing a beach house with a bunch of girls (and a couple guys).  I know the girls.  I play hockey with them.  They know who I am, I know who they are, but I've never really gotten to know them, and maybe that's my fault because my first impression was that I just didn't like them.  Except now we will be forced to live together, drink together and play hockey together for four straight days and I don't have an excuse not to get to know them.  So, I made a promise:

Go in with an open heart and an open mind.

And who knows, I may come back with a couple new friendships.

Or, I may come back wanting to kill hurt them all.

Blog Swap: A Himalayan Adventure

 ** Today is 20SB blog swap day and it's my honor and privilege to introduce the wonderful and talented Claire.  Claire is officially my new favorite Canadian blogger because she is awesome and says "eh" a lot.  OK, fine, I kind of made that up, but she is still awesome sauce!  

We decided to blog about adventures because everyone loves a crazy adventure story, right?!  You can check out my crazy adventure - and believe me, you definitely WANT to read it - about that time I got ruffied and woke up in a ditch...............in AUSTRIA.  **

I had been in India for nearly four months. I was traveling with my friend S and we were finally on our own. The first 3 and a half months of the trip had been a school trip. It was amazing. S and I were two of 26 university students who were traveling through India with our professor and his wife. We were traveling and we were getting credit from our school. We held lectures in train stations, on rooftops and amongst busy markets. We saw temples and farms and cities packed with more people than I thought possible.

There is a lot to be said for traveling with 25 other people. There are 25 people there to help carry your backpack when you're so sick you worry you might not make it. There are 25 other people to comfort you when you miss home and there are 25 other people to experience all the fantastic sights and sounds and smells with.

But, there are also 25 other people to consult when deciding on weekend side trips to the desert and 25 other people that you must endure while on hour 8 of a 15 hour train ride in blistering 40 degree heat (that's about 100 degrees F).

Needless to say, although our goodbyes were tearful, S and I were happy to be off on our own.

We caught a bus from where we were staying in the Rajasthani desert to Delhi and immediately booked the first bus ride we could that was heading into the mountains. It was hot and we wanted some cool air and mountain views.

After a hilariously frightening 8 hour bus ride (hilarious due to the sweet bollywood movies they played and frightening as a result of the treacherous mountain roads) we landed in Dharamshala - the home of the Dalia Lama.

There we met monks in traditional robes and shaved heads rockin' out with ipods, movie theaters showing the latest blockbusters (all pirated, of course) and endless views of the beautiful Himalayan mountains.

We also met Doug. Doug was from Vancouver and had just landed in India after extensive travel in China. He was traveling alone and in need of company. We were happy to oblige because Doug was one person, not 25 persons.

We left one afternoon on a walk. We walked through the city until we were past its outskirts and headed along one of the many paths that lead away from civilization. We had been told there were some neat temples to the north of the city and we were on a hunt to find them.

Even as we crept further and further away from the center of town we still passed lots of people. Although we were in the middle of the foothills of the mountains, we were not exactly in the middle of nowhere.

That is until we were in the middle of nowhere. We had been having such a great time getting to know each other and enjoying the scenery that no one really paid attention to where we were going.

This was a big mistake. In case you didn't have any common sense (much like us at the time) it is not wise to wander into the wilderness in a strange country without paying a little bit of attention to where you're going. Yeah, the paths may look well-worn and you may pass a few goats now and then, but it's still wise to bring a map or drop some bread crumbs as you go.

We were lost in the Himalayan Mountains. And it was getting dark. And S and I were with a strange man who we had just met the day before.

After nearly four months of travel, you'd think S and I wouldn't be stupid enough to make that many mistakes.

After we all had a minor freakout (which calmed our fears that Doug might be a crazy man cause he was just as scared as we were), we started walking. We walked vaguely in the direction we thought we had come, making somewhat educated guesses when we came to forks in the path, we eventually ended up back at our hostel.

Although we may have walked the last little bit in the lingering light of evening grasping each others' hands for fear of the Himalayan boogymen, we made it.

We all feasted that night on delicious momos (Tibetan dumplings) and bad Indian beer. I think we deserved it!

on meeting Senators, feeling powerful, second-guessing,making a difference and realizing my life's passion

(photo via, me.  i take awesome photos, I know.)

January 27, 2010.  What did YOU do that day? 

I bet most people went to work, went to the gym, went to happy hour.

But me?

I advocated and lobbied for increased federal funding for cervical cancer treatments on Capitol Hill.

I met with Senator Arlen Specter, Senator Bob Casey and Congressman Mike Doyle to discuss their support with the health care bill and their stance on increasing federal funding for women's health issues in 2011.

On January 27, 2010 I MADE A DIFFERENCE.

It was my first time on Capitol Hill (shocking, since I love that city and visit nearly eight times a year) and it was my first time attending a briefing for something that directly affects me.  It was the very first time in my life that I felt powerful and I had the ability to make a difference for me, my friends, my family and my future children.

By lobbying for more federal funding for cervical cancer programs, it allows all women to receive proper treatments (including vaccines and surgeries).  It allows my future children and grandchildren [and your future children and grandchildren] to hopefully never have to worry about getting HPV or cervical cancer.

Yesterday was nothing short of thrilling and invigorating.  Standing in rooms with Senators and Congressmen who have the ability to change health care with a snap of their finger was absolutely priceless.  Most people don't get that opportunity.

Yesterday was eye-opening to my decision to pack up and leave for the West Coast.  Yesterday, I fell in love with Washington, D.C. all over again.  I fell in love with the ability to make a difference in today's current [and future] health care situation.  I fell in love with my passion to one day work on Capitol Hill and live in D.C., and this could very well change my decision to move out West.

There's something about that city that keeps drawing me back.

Yesterday, on the train ride home, I realized that I want to pursue a career on Capitol Hill in nonprofit, advocating and lobbying for women's rights. 

(and not just because there are so many HOT legislators in D.C.)

I want the ability to continue to lobby for health care changes (especially for women) and continue to make a difference in this world.  I want to know I'm making this country a better place for my children and grandchildren.  

This is my passion.  This is my goal.  This is my life. 

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they

thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you're kind,
amazing things will happen."
- Conan O'Brien -

on realizations, job opportunities, moving to California, and making my dreams a reality

"Take your hesitance
And your self-defense
Leave them behind, it's only life
Don't be so afraid
Of facing everyday
Just take your time, it's only life"

Sometimes it takes helping someone else through their problem(s) before you realize you just helped yourself through your own.

 Tonight, I had a realization. 

It was the first time in a very long time that I was able to think clearly.  Part of it had to do with helping my BFF through her current struggle with her lack of a job and finding out what her next step is.  Another part of it had to do with the fact that I was out of my element (even though I was back in my hometown) and able to get away from my hectic city life.  I was finally able to think clearly on some things - albeit I had to talk my BFF through her own problems - to get that shining moment I needed to figure out my next step.

I moved away from home right after I graduated college because I needed something better in my life.  I needed to make something happen for myself.  It was scary and the first year was probably the hardest, adjusting to the streets, the people, the night life and the neighborhoods.  But I survived.  For five years I have now created this amazing life for myself in a city that I never thought I'd come back to.  I doubted myself and certain moments I wanted to give in, re-pack all of my belongings and move back home.  But I didn't.  I weighed it out, fought my battles and rose to the top. 

Tonight I realized that I'm ready for my next journey.  This move was only supposed to be temporary.  It's been five years.  I'm ready for something else.  I'm ready to pack up and leave. 

The other day I came across a job opening.  I wasn't actively looking, but it showed up in my google alerts and it caught my eye, so I checked it out.  The job couldn't be more perfect for me.  But there's a catch.  It's in Sacramento, California.  It means packing up and literally moving across the country. 

On my flight home, I kept thinking about the job.  What if I get an interview?  What if they offer me the position?  Could I really move across the country?  What about my life here in Philadelphia?  What about my friendships here?

The anxiety started to set in.  I could feel this huge weight on my shoulders. 

Tonight, I had a realization.  While talking to my BFF and telling her that she shouldn't have to settle for a dead end relationship, or a guy who won't let her experience her own life, I realized that I shouldn't have to settle for a job I'm not completely happy with, a city I'm not entirely in love with, or a life I'm settling for.

Then it hit me.  My missing piece - my missing happiness - is settling for a city, a job, a LIFE I'm not completely in love with. 

My best friend said she envied my life because I'm living on my own and doing all of this stuff.  I envy all of those people who quit their jobs on a whim with nothing else lined up and move half way across the country...or those people who quit their jobs and end up traveling the world.  I wish I had the balls to do that.

But the thing is, I could do that.  I could quit my job on Tuesday to travel the world or to move across the country.  But there's something preventing me from doing it - like money, bills, money, and rent.  Oh, and money. 

Tonight, I told my BFF that she needs to take some time away from her family and boyfriend and go somewhere - somewhere out of her element, like Denver.  She needs to take a long weekend and just go there - no cell phone, no email, no communication to the outside world.  She just needs to live, be and breathe.  She needs to re-gain that beauty and self-confidence that I once saw in her.  Like when she briefly lived in Baltimore. 

As I was telling my friend all of this, I realized that I need to take my own advice.  I need to go somewhere out of my element to just live, be and breathe. 

You only have this one life to live - make the most of it.

I promised myself that 2010 would be the Year of Me.  This is the year I make some big decisions and changes.  I decided I'm going to apply for that job in Sacramento.  And if that job doesn't pan out?  Well I'm going to start saving up enough money so I can quit my current job in April so I can travel... and perhaps move across the country.

January is a new month and a New Year.  All of those decisions I've been putting off for the last few years are going to be decided.  No hesitation, no second guessing, no reservations.  It's time to stop worrying about leaving my friends and the life I've made for myself here, and start planning the life I'm going to make for myself somewhere else.  Quite possibly in California. 

Sure, it's scary to think about the unknown, but that's what makes life so exciting and thrilling.  If we knew how our life was going to end up, would it be as fun or enjoyable?  Probably not.  Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and just do it.

It's my life, it's my turn.  At the end of the day, it's all about what makes me happy.  Those friends who truly matter will always be there.  So will my family.  I'm ready for my next journey.  It's time to make those dreams a reality.

"Don't look away
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it's only life"

Best of 2009 Series - Best Book and Best Trip

Today's your lucky day because you get TWO for the price of a blow job  of one. 

BEST BOOK

This one was kind of hard (that's what she said!).  And I guess I can't count my coloring books.  Don't judge me.  I'm a big fan of biographies, memoirs (especially those of any kind of personal struggle) and economics.  I'm just now starting to get back into reading fiction (I read a lot of fiction when I was younger, but then I hit college and transitioned to non-fiction).  I loved Angels and Demons and I'm currently reading The Lost Symbol and I think it's amazing.  Oh and I fell in love with The Time Traveler's Wife, but the best book I read this year was The Blue Sweater by Jacqueline Novogratz.  It's an inspiring memoir of a woman who spent her life on a quest to understand global poverty and to find powerful ways of tackling it.  

I'm in the process of writing my own memoir so I'm always looking for any kind of inspiration and introspection.  This book did just that.  As I read it, I felt like I was walking right next to her through all of her journeys.  Everything is described with intricate detail and it makes you feel like you're there, experiencing it yourself.  It's not often that I read a book that captivates me this much.  I hope that one day, my memoir will have that same effect for someone else.

So why is a memoir about poverty titled The Blue Sweater?  Well, you'll just have to read it to find out.

BEST NIGHT OUT

This was another hard one (that's what she said!).  Of all of the nights out that I've had, how am I supposed to pick out the best one?  I've traveled to a lot of cities this past year and all of those trips involved some great nights out.  Like the road trip to Washington, D.C. where we pre-gamed in the hotel, went out to the bars till 3AM, almost went to a strip club, then went back to the hotel to play Kings until about 5AM.  Yeah, that was a good night.  Or any of the nights I spent in Vegas?  Yeah, more good ones.  But the best one?  

Saturday, October 25, 2009.  

Tampa, Flo-rida.

I travel around the U.S. to play in hockey tournaments about 4-5 times a year.  I had missed the June Sunshine Shootout and all of my friends who went, came back telling me how awesome of a trip it was.  I was a little jealous that I wasn't able to go, but when I heard they were hosting another Sunshine Shootout in October, I knew I had to be there.

Hockey, the beach, 80 degree weather and lots of drinking.  Who wouldn't want to do that?!


With any big tournament we travel to, there's always lots of drinking, laughing, pictures and debauchery.  Some of my favorite moments have been spent with my hockey mates, actually.  It's kind of awesome and scary at the same time.  

Anyway, so that Sunday was the last weekend of the tournament.  After all was said and done, we all had a "team night out" at a local bar.  We drank, we ate, we were merry.  When the bars closed, we all stood around outside trying to figure out who was the most sober to drive.  Turns out no one was really sober to drive (and we all ended up in cars we hadn't originally showed up in), but luckily we didn't have far to go.  The partying continued at a rental beach house with six cases of beer.  As we all drank into the wee hours of Monday morning, I found myself having a pants-off, dance-off with a Canadian.  We dared to see who would get naked.  He took off clothes, I took off clothes.  He took off jewelry, I took of jewelry.  Needless to say, I was standing in the kitchen with 20 of my hockey mates, stripping against a Canadian. 


The Canadian won the stripping contest and ran around the house naked.  Did I mention he was hairy and obese?  Yeah, it wasn't even close to hot.  

Of all the trouble I get myself into - especially during tournaments - I think this one goes down in the record books as my all-time low point.  


I can only imagine what the 2010 tournaments will bring me.

"don't forget to tip your bartenders"

• What's a customary tip for a bartender?

Me?  I usually tip $1 for each drink.  And maybe I'll leave the extra quarter or two if it gets me laid I feel generous. 

Baltimorians?  Baltimorialites?  They don't tip.  10 people each bought a Miller Lite or a Coors Lite that cost $3.75 and all 10 people paid the $3.75 and didn't tip.  Actually, one guy left the extra quarter.  Clearly he felt the need to be generous.

I never understood people who don't tip their bartenders.  I mean, I know we're in a recession and all, but don't you understand that your bartenders are working on tips?  How would you feel if someone tipped you a quarter on a $4.00 drink?!

Reason #5968 why I don't like Baltimore.

I think the only good thing B-more has going for them are their crab cakes.  I had true Maryland style crab cakes this weekend and they definitely did not disappoint.

Also?  The Inner Harbor is nice ...... but not great.  Although I am jealous that Baltimore has an ESPN Zone and Philly doesn't.  For all who don't know, ESPN Zone is probably the best. overpriced. sports. bar. ever.  It's like Dave and Busters but with more TV's and less games.  OK fine, so it's nothing like Dave and Busters but it's still awesome.  And Philadelphia needs to get one ASAP.

Needless to say, I probably won't be making a trip down to B-more any time soon.  It was nice to get away for a night, but I'm glad I'm home.

Philadelphia - 1
Baltimore - 0

this post brought to you by:

on traveling

2009 has surely been the year of traveling for me.  I went to:

Las Vegas, NV
Boston, MA
Chicago, IL
Washington, DC
Tampa, FL
Atlantic City, NJ

New York City, NY

And I still have Phoenix, AZ and two trips to Pittsburgh lined up. 

It's amazing I'm able to do so much traveling in between the crazy whorish life I lead.  But in all honesty, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

I want to see the world.

Even if it takes me my entire life to do it, I want to see everything I can.  I love the culture, the food, the social environment and everything each city has to offer.

Today, I'm taking a trip to Baltimore, MD.  I was there two years ago when my best friend briefly lived there, but I never really got to see and experience the city.  The first time I went I wasn't a big fan of the city (mainly because it reminded me of home too much), but I think I need to give Baltimore a second chance.  It's apparently got a lot to offer (like delicious seafood!) and I think I owe it that much.

Open heart, open mind.

Let's do this.

this post brought to you by:

 

the time I had a "strip-off" with a Canadian

Things I learned in Tampa, Florida this weekend:

• Drinking on the beach, listening to the ocean waves is probably one of my favorite things to do.  There's nothing more relaxing than sipping on a corona, listening to the waves crash and watching people walk up and down the beach.  
• I have a love/hate relationship with Canada.  I met a couple new Canadian hockey friends over the weekend.  One lives in Seattle and is from Nova Scotia.  The other is from Ontario.  Or maybe Toronto?  Anyway, I love when Canadian's say "eh" after each sentence.  I hate how loud and obnoxious they are when intoxicated.  I also hate how awesome they are at playing hockey.  My women's team lost to the Canadian bitches women in the championship game yesterday.  
• Having a "strip-off" at 5AM this morning with a drunk Canadian man is never a good decision.  Even worse?  When the drunk Canadian is standing butt-naked in front of a room full of fellow hockey players.  While y'all were sleeping at 5AM, I was stripping against a Canadian.  New low.
  
• Certain friends will certainly throw you under the bus or stab you in the back at just the right time (usually when you are drinking and hanging out with close friends).  Then what do you do?  Walk away.  You don't ask questions, you don't look back.  You simply walk away knowing that real friends would never do something like that.
• Trying to teach a Canadian how to dance is a lot harder than it seems.  Especially when the Canadian bounces up and down, rather than swaying the hips.  Clearly his hips do lie.
• First impressions aren't everything and people can sweep you off your feet when you least expect it.  I'm trying to keep an open heart and an open mind.  The possibilities are endless and right now, things are good.
• Staying up 24 hours drinking, playing hockey, drinking more and catching a flight home isn't as fun as I thought it would be.  I'm completely and utterly exhausted.  I need sleep and lots of it.
• It's tempting to move down to Florida when the weather is sunny and in the 80's.  Coming home today to 50 degree weather was miserable.  I like things hot.  Phoenix, AZ can't come soon enough.
• New Port Richey (where our tournament was being played) is NOT ANYWHERE NEAR TAMPA.  The 15 minute drive we thought it was going to be turned out to be about 50 minutes.  And it really sucks when you have to make that drive about 5 times each day.
• Ybor City is not as awesome as I thought it would be.  We went to a Pirate Bar Saturday night and it turned out to be pretty lame.  I was hoping for pirates and wenches and all I got was a $45 bar tab.

All in all, it was definitely an exciting, event-filled weekend.  I haven't fucked partied like that since Vegas.  Good times, good times.