frustrated

"There's a fine line between friendship and business - the key is knowing what it is and separating yourself from that line."

 There I was, standing in front of 20 graduate students at Villanova (most of whom were probably 10 years older than me), discussing Nonprofit Leadership.  I wasn't really nervous at all, but as I stood there talking to them, I wondered: 

What does a 26-year-old up and coming business woman have to offer these graduate students and professionals?

Most of them had a decade of professional experience on me.

I don't have a degree in Nonprofit Management.  I don't have a professional background in Marketing, Public Relations or Finance.  And the closest I've come to managing a group of employees is working in the Human Resources Department at an old law firm.  By and large, I scream whore  unqualified.  

Growing up, my parents taught me to suck  work hard.  But they also taught me that it's important to enjoy the work I do.

I had absolutely no intentions of working in the nonprofit field.  I never thought I had the ability to make a difference in this world.  But here I am, 26 years old with a grassroots nonprofit organization that is struggling in every way possible.  It isn't even close to where I wanted it to be when we first started, and it won't be where I wish it would be five years from now.  It sucks and I hate it.  I don't get paid for this.  I put in roughly 60 hours a week working on projects for my nonprofit and at the end of the day, I go to sleep sometimes wishing it would all disappear.  Is that wrong?

One big lesson I learned recently is that you need to bridge a gap between friendship and business.  After losing one of my hardest working volunteers (who is also one of my closest friends), it put a huge dent in our friendship, as well as my work ethic with my nonprofit.  I made the mistake of taking it personally, even though I knew it was all business and had nothing to do with our friendship.  But it's hard (TWSS) when you create a deep personal and business relationship with someone.  You can't help but take it personally; you feel like you've wronged them in some way, otherwise, why else would they leave?

The good thing is, time heals all wounds and I know that my friendship with that person is way more important than my nonprofit and I know that our friendship will fall back into place just as it was before.

This week has been an intense ride (TWSS) and I'm starting to realize that I'm spreading myself too thin on too many projects.  Actually, I knew this before, but I never wanted to actually believe it.  There's a different between knowing and believing.  I'm starting to realize that I'm not cut out for this - managing a nonprofit.  Yes, I have volunteers to help me, but I don't have much experience and I feel like I'm leading them, myself and my organization in the wrong direction.  Why else would we be struggling?  

I wanted to help because my best friend was doing this.  This is her organization; I'm just here for the ride (TWSS?).  But over the last six months, I've been doing all of the grunt work - writing grants, applying for grants, writing proposals.  You know, that fun stuff.  While my best friend, who is supposed to be my partner in all of this, gets all of the glory - networking, planning events, etc.  I don't get it and it's beyond frustrating.  I put in 50 hours of work every week doing EVERYTHING for my nonprofit and I have yet to see a reward.  I don't ask for much praise (mainly because I don't like it), but there's nothing worse than working your ass off to make this nonprofit run efficiently and effectively and know that my best friend doesn't even appreciate any of it.  Yet, she criticizes me the moment I don't give her praise for something she does.  

I'm not cut out for this.  I don't have the degree or the professional experience to be running my own nonprofit organization.  The only thing that keeps me going in all of this is my work ethic and trying to find any little piece of encouragement I can give myself to keep pushing forward.  

My best friend is moving to Florida next month.  She says if she can't find a job by June, then she's moving to Australia with her sister indefinitely.  I didn't ask for this.  I'm busting my ass to file papers with the government and apply for grants so we can continue our efforts, yet she doesn't even think about what happens to this organization after she moves.  I know what would happen if I left the organization - it would go up in flames.  

I rarely ever quit anything I put my heart and soul into, but for the very first time in my life I feel like I want to quit this.  I'm not made out for this.  My best friend is going to move away, detach herself from the organization entirely and not even care about what happens to this, our volunteers or our efforts.

This is her business.  Why am I picking up all of the pieces?