"That's the thing ... there are some things people don't admit because they just don't like the way it sounds."
The first step in any road to recovery is admitting it.
The loneliness set in about three weeks ago. I have been so busy with getting other things in order that it nearly caught me off guard. I was sitting at home, watching a movie and I felt this sudden pain in my chest. Not the I'm having a heart attack pain, but more like a deep weight setting on my chest.
For the last six years, I have battled depression. I was diagnosed right after my mother passed away, and rather than take anti-depressants (I've witnessed first hand what it can do to a person), I decided I would fight it on my own. Most times, I win. But every once in a while, my depression wins. And those times it does win? It's beyond painful.
Lately, I've been fighting a double battle - depression and loneliness. I've been too scared to admit it to myself but I know fighting it will only do worse damage than working through it. I'm lonely. But not the I'm lonely and need a relationship or more friends to cure this way.
I envy every single person who has the ability to talk to their parents whenever they want. I lost both of my parents by age 20, and having to grow up without them truly sucks. I knew it was going to be hard, but I guess I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. Not a moment goes by when I don't think about them. Everything I've experienced in the last six years, I've had to experience on my own. I have no parental support system anymore. And the love and support I have from my brothers and friends, don't make up for what I've already lost. You can't replace the love and support of a mother or father.
I don't regret anything I've done in my life. Sure, maybe there were things I would have done differently, but I'm sure there are things in your life that YOU would do differently too, right? Losing both of my parents at such a young age gave me strength. Right after my mother died, I truly believed that my life was no longer worth living (if that's not a clear sign of depression, then I don't know what is). And I may have explored certain options (think hard enough and I'm sure you can figure out what those 'options' were), but when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. My father actually executed that option when I was 12 years old and no good came out of it. I didn't want to follow that same path. I'm so much stronger than that, but it took six long years for me to finally realize it.
I'm trying to recover from all of this, but I know it's not going to happen over night. I've thought about therapy, but I tried that years ago and it didn't help at all. Or maybe I just didn't like my therapist. But I tend to believe that if I can't solve my own problems, then who can?
And yes, maybe I should feel guilty complaining about what I'm suffering through considering those children in Haiti lost everything, but you know what? To each his own. Everyone is suffering from something, and regardless of how big or small it is, it's just as important as what the person next to you is going through.
the past has left its stain
now I feel the shame
I'll seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
The thing I like about therapy - when you find a good person to talk to - is being able to solve your problems and understand your feelings without judging yourself for having those thoughts and feelings. I remember feeling so stupid for bickering with my Dad (it was more than bickering), and feeling so dumb having issues with a relationship I was in. But the things I learned about myself taught me that not only were my emotions legitimate, but that there were healthier ways to process them.
ReplyDeleteThat's my plug for therapy, ha.
Additionally, I won't even pretend to understand what it is you've been through. I can't imagine having lost my parents so young, or at all, and take advantage of their accessibility. I just hope that the light that shines around and through you starts to shine completely within you, and that you feel the warmth and brightness that you project to the world.
Hugs and bottles of wine...
Growing up in a first generation Asian family, I was mentally abused. To be honest, I don't feel like I have a family. All I have is myself.
ReplyDeleteI fight the battle alone. Like you, I usually win. There are days that it will give me the 1-2 punch that knocks me off my feet. But I know that I will not give up. Never! I may be down, but I will rise up and stand strong. Even if I can't fight on certain days, I will stand up, hold my ground and take the punches. I refuse to give up.
I want to live life with happiness and sorrow. Joy and pain. Good and bad. We are meant to experience life and live it, not let it pass us by or deteriorate its value. I am not the strongest person in the world, but I am strong enough to live it to its fullest.
You are such a strong woman. Every time I read a post I am impressed with your persistence, faith, and will. I wish I could offer words of wisdom beyond that. All I know is that if you need to talk or just need to get your mind off things I am there. Also, it definitely could be that you didn't like your therapist, sometimes its just great to have someone listen. Lova ya.
ReplyDeleteStarting a comment with "I know how you feel" always seems a little cliche. You already know my history with this, and the everyday struggle. It's hard, and it never really goes away. Sometimes there aren't "good days" and "bad days" so much as "good moments" and "bad moments". I believe in your ability to overcome any and everything.
ReplyDeleteNo matter where we end up, I do hope that if you need a friend to talk to you, you'll give me a shout. Just don't call me. That rule still applies, I don't care who you are. :)
I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. As much as I bicker and argue with mine, I couldn't imagine them not being there.
ReplyDeleteBut I also have to say thank you. I thought I was the only one that thought good old fashioned self-reflection and working through problems was the best way to solve them. It makes me so distraught to see the amount of people these days turning to meds to "cure" them when in fact for the most part it's just numbing them to the pain. J has often urged me to get on some sort of nerve or antidepressant medicine and I refuse. Call me hardheaded, but I'd rather feel the pain and work through it than numb it out. Numbing and blocking solves nothing.
I hope you feel better soon. :)