"Completion comes from not adding another piece onto ourselves, but from surrendering our ideas of perfection."
- Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, Mark Epstein -
The most challenging thing about therapy is breaking down the walls, uncovering your soul and exposing yourself (metaphorically speaking) to a stranger. You have to be able to trust that they can help you figure out how to grieve with your past and move on to your future. You have to be patient, willing, and open to new ideas, new thought-processes and accept the fact that their job is to help you fix yourself. And find yourself.
From relationships to friendships to family to work - I uncovered my heart and soul to this woman. I had to if I ever have a shot at recovering from what I have been through. I told her things I haven't even told some of my closest friends. I told her how broken and damaged I am - mentally - because I never had the chance to grieve for my parents or cope with my cancer. I felt downright exhausted after my first session.
Over the weekend, I told someone that I had just started seeing a therapist, and he did the one thing I feared most.
He laughed.
He found it comical that I need to see a therapist because I witnessed my father hanging from the pipes in my basement with a rope tied around his neck when I was 12 years old; Or that for nearly one year of my two year battle with cervical cancer I was facing death in the eyes and fighting for my life.
Nothing about this is funny.
I have experienced more in my twenty six years of life, than most people ever will in their lifetime. I have been through hell and back and I'm still [somehow] standing on my two feet.
I'm stronger than you'll ever be, I thought to myself. It's not easy to ask for professional help. But it makes it much more difficult when I have people - so-called "friends" - in my life who are being unsupportive of my decisions and laughing at this.
My life isn't perfect. And I have done some things in my past that have led to my damaged and broken life - but I know that I need help; I know that I need to talk to someone, to get this all out of my system in order to move on and be happy.
Seven years of unresolved grief, sadness, depression and loneliness.
I deserve to be happy after what I have lived through.
And I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. Not now, not ever.
A real friend does not laugh at you when you reveal something that makes you vulnerable. I know you know there is no shame in your game, and I am one of those people who believes everyone could use a little therapy. I'm not afraid to admit I've been to a counselor and I think that shows that we both are ok with who we are. Can others say the same?
ReplyDeleteI almost cried. ALMOST.
ReplyDeleteTherapy is so cliche these days. Even now. But the good news is that you're going to be the one benefiting from all of this. YOU. Not them. YOU.
Also, not that I approve of the laughing, because I don't... but I think it's something that has to do with your free-spirited personality. I know you'd never laugh at someone who was going to therapy, but some people, I think find you to be...SO FREAKIN FUNNY.
This is not justification for what he did, but merely just a viewpoint.
STILL horrible that he laughed. JERK!
I completely agree with the title of this. People that don't understand therapy often have never been through anything traumatizing and that that sometimes means you need help processing and healing from it. They have no idea what you've lived through. Be proud of yourself for committing to getting healthier and happier.
ReplyDeleteHe LAUGHED at you? What the FUCK?
ReplyDeleteI am brand new to your blog but just reading this entry, um, yes, I would say you are stronger than 99% of everyone I know including myself. I am kind of appalled at this dude. I mean. Gah. What the fuck.
Honestly? I wish I had the strength to maybe go into therapy, also. Like, when one of your best friends tells you that you should, it probably means you should, right? I guess I'm just stubborn. And scared. I don't want to talk about things, I just want to bury them and move on. I don't want to be open and vulnerable and have to face everything.
Anyway. I think it's great that you are on your way to being happy, and, yes, you so totally deserve it.
Ok.. I am going to be honest. I am sitting here at my desk, on a rainy Wednesday morning, crying over this post. You are absolutely beautiful, and I don't even know you but I know it is so true. You do deserve to be happy and you should take any measure to feel that way.
ReplyDeleteAnd that quotation at the top struck me to the core... How perfectly worded, how simple and true.
Thank you.
Best,
Hannah Katy